Reflections of 2010

Well we are coming to a close of the year 2010. Here is a small reflection of my family's life over the year...

We started out the year with a large snow that closed school!!

Our baby girl turned 7!

We found out we are expecting!

We now have a 7th Grader & 2nd Grader!
(I do not have a picture of it, but my husband has also became a college student this year!)

We found out we are expecting a boy!

We celebrated Nehemiah's 3rd angelversary!

We became parents to a teenager!!
(2nd from left)

We celebrated an awesome Christmas!

What will the New Year bring us? A new baby, a new job, a new car, a new house, a new outlook on life? Well, whatever it is I know it will be fantastic!

I plan to work on my walk with Christ & to become a better mom so my kids will have someone they can be proud of & a better wife to my husband to keep our marriage going strong. I plan to work on myself image as well so I can have a long healthy life with my children.

We hope everyone has fun ringing in the New Year! Be safe & merry!

God Bless

"For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace & not of evil, to give you a future & a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

CHRISTmas is

...a silent night
...a gift
...simple
...beautiful
...like magic
...family
...extraordinary
...interesting
...here again
...meaningful
...year round
...a celebration
...popular
...traditions
...is sharing
...cheerful
...catching
...wonderful
...Jesus

'Tis the Reason for the Season!


"Do not be afraid, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be to all people. For there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior who is Christ the Lord & this will be the sign to you: You will find a Babe wrapped in swaddling cloths lying in a manger & suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God & saying "Glory to God in the highest, & on Earth peace, goodwill toward men!" Luke 2:10-14

Time Flys By...

I cannot believe it is CHRISTmas Eve already & in 7 days it will be January 2011! My how this year has flown by.

We have had such an exciting year actually & maybe that is why it has gone by so fast. My husband & I decided we would reconcile our relationship just to find out a short time later that we were expecting & my eldest became a teenager & from there things have just gotten better & better.

We have 18 days until we meet our sweet precious baby boy! It has been a long, stressful at times, exciting moment & I know we are not guaranteed anything in the end, but I believe we are in good hands.

I still miss Nehemiah on a daily basis & wish he were here with us to celebrate CHRISTmas & get to be a physical part of our family. It comforts me to know that we have a guardian angel who watches over us & we will be reunited with him once again.

For now I wish everyone a Merry CHRISTmas & a prosperous New Year! If this year seemed like it was an unbearable year, I just pray that this new year brings you happiness, peace & comfort. Remember that Jesus Christ was born to a virgin so that one day He would pay the price for our sins. He bears the scars from the cross for you & I.



"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace & not of evil, to give you a future & a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

34 Weeks & Stuff

Hi All:
Two weeks ago, at my last appointment, I had lost the remaining weight that I had actually gained after having lost it the beginning of my pregnancy.

So, this morning I had to go for another sonogram this morning before my regularly scheduled doctor's appointment to make sure the baby was growing accordingly.

We saw the most beautiful baby on the screen! He is 5 lbs 1oz & has rather long feet. He is already face down & did not want us looking at his face. At one point he turned his head & had his arm over his face, but we could see his lips & nose. He is going to have Makaila's mouth. He was moving his mouth like he was talking & at one point stuck out his tongue.

I had asked the sonographer to verify his boy parts were still there. As soon as she scanned over them, he closed his legs real tight. It was cute. She said if he were not facing my backside we could do a 3D sonogram.

At our doctor's appointment, which is after a huge Thanksgiving dinner & a potluck lunch Friday at work for our baby, I have only gained 1 pound!! We did find out today we will be meeting our little man on 1/11/11 (as long as the hospital does not have to move us to another day).

So, with just 5 weeks to go, we will continue to keep praying for our little blessing & wait patiently for his arrival.



"Blessed shall be the fruit of your body, the produce of your ground & the increase of your herds, the increase of your cattle & the offspring of your flocks." Deuteronomy 28:4

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

Today is the day we give Thanks & enjoy a huge feast with friends & family. Why is this day highlighted more than any other day? Shouldn't everyday be Thanksgiving?

A few days ago I re-post a story that I had put out here on a previous Thanksgiving & I hope everyone read it (again) & shares it with others. Click here to read it.

This year some of our family could not make here this year. We will definitely be missing you guys!

All month myself & a few others have been posting on our Facebook accounts what we are thankful for. I love the idea & I had even posted a prayer, which I would love to share with everyone as I close this post.

Dear Heavenly Father:
I pray to You this holiday season for peace & comfort for those who are missing those dear to them. I pray they not forget why we celebrate Thanksgiving & Christmas. I pray that while they remember their thorns, I also pray they remember the crown of thorns You wore. I also pray they remember that one day we'll be back with the ones we love for a Glorious celebration with You in Heaven Father! ~Amen

Thanksgiving....

Sandra felt as low as the heels of her Birkenstocks as she pushed against a November gust and the florist shop door. Her life had been easy, like spring breeze. Then in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a minor automobile accident stole her ease. During this Thanksgiving week she would have delivered a son.

She grieved over her loss. As if that weren't enough, her husband's company threatened a transfer. Then her sister, whose holiday visit she coveted, called saying she could not come. What's worse, Sandra's friend infuriated her by suggesting her grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer. "She has no idea what I'm feeling," thought Sandra. "Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?" she wondered. For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For an airbag that saved her life but took the life of her unborn child?

"Good afternoon, can I help you?" The shop clerk's approach startled her.

"I ... I need an arrangement," stammered Sandra.

"For Thanksgiving? Do you want beautiful but ordinary, or would you like to challenge the day with a customer favorite I call the 'Thanksgiving Special'?" asked the shop clerk. "I'm convinced that flowers tell stories," she continued. "Are you looking for something that conveys 'gratitude' this Thanksgiving?"

"Not exactly!" Sandra blurted out. "In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong."

Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the shop clerk said, "I have the perfect arrangement for you."

Then the door's small bell rang, and the shop clerk said, "Hi, Barbara ... let me get your order." She politely excused herself and walked toward a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and long-stemmed thorny roses. Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped. There were no flowers!

"Want this in a box?" asked the clerk. Sandra watched for the customer's response. Was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed.

"Yes, please," Barbara replied with an appreciative smile. "You'd think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn't be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again," she said as she gently tapped her chest.

"Uh," stammered Sandra, "that lady just left with, uh ... she just left with no flowers!"

"Right, said the clerk, "I cut off the flowers. That's the Special. I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet."

"Oh, come on, you can't tell me someone is willing to pay for that!" exclaimed Sandra.

"Barbara came into the shop three years ago feeling much like you feel today," explained the clerk. "She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had lost her father to cancer, the family business was failing, her son was into drugs, and she was facing major surgery."
"That same year I had lost my husband," continued the clerk," and for the first time in my life, had just spent the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too great a debt to allow any travel."

"So what did you do?" asked Sandra.

"I learned to be thankful for thorns," answered the clerk quietly.

"I've always thanked God for good things in life and never to ask Him why those good things happened to me, but when bad stuff hit, did I ever ask! It took time for me to learn that dark times are important. I have always enjoyed the 'flowers' of life, but it took thorns to show me the beauty of God's comfort. You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we're afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others."

Sandra sucked in her breath as she thought about the very thing her friend had tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is I don't want comfort. I've lost a baby and I'm angry with God."

Just then someone else walked in the shop. "Hey, Phil!" shouted the clerk to the balding, rotund man. "My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement ... twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems!" laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue-wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator.

"Those are for your wife?" asked Sandra incredulously. "Do you mind me asking why she wants something that looks like that?"

"No ... I'm glad you asked," Phil replied. "Four years ago my wife and I nearly divorced. After forty years, we were in a real mess, but with the Lord's grace and guidance, we slogged through problem after problem. He rescued our marriage. Jenny here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she learned from 'thorny' times, and that was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific 'problem' and give thanks for what that problem taught us."

As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra, "I highly recommend the Special!"

"I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life." Sandra said to the clerk. "It's all too ... fresh."

"Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my experience has shown me that thorns make roses more precious. We treasure God's providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember, it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don't resent the thorns."

Tears rolled down Sandra's cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on resentment. "I'll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please," she managed to choke out.

"I hoped you would," said the clerk gently. "I'll have them ready in a minute."

"Thank you. What do I owe you?"

"Nothing. Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart. The first year's arrangement is always on me."

The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra. "I'll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you would like to read it first." It read:
"My God, I have never thanked You for my thorns.
I have thanked You a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns.
Teach me the glory of the cross I bear;
Teach me the value of my thorns.
Show me that I have climbed closer to You along the path of pain;
Show me that, through my tears, the colors of Your rainbow look much more brilliant."

Praise Him for your roses, thank Him for your thorns. When the going gets tough, the tough seek the Lord!

Grief & the Holidays

At holiday time, many people are dealing with loss & are often caught in a dilemma between the need to grieve & the pressure to get into the spirit of the season. Holidays or not, it is important for the bereaved to find ways to take care of themselves. The following guidelines may be helpful:

1. Plan ahead as to where & how you will spend your time during the holidays. Let yourself scale back on activities if you want to. Redefine your holiday expectations. This can be a transition year to begin new traditions & let others go.

2. Select a candle in your loved one's favorite color and scent. Place it in a special area of your home & light it at a significant time throughout the holidays, signifying the light of the love that lives on in your heart.

3. Give yourself permission to express your feelings. If you feel an urge to cry, let the tears flow. Tears are healing. Scientists have found that certain brain chemicals in our tears are natural pain relievers.

4. Shakespeare once said, “Give sorrow words…” Write an “un-sent letter” to your loved one. expressing what you are honestly feeling toward him or her at this moment. After you compose the letter, you may decide to place it in a book, album or drawer in your home, leave it at a memorial site, throw it away, or even burn it & let the ashes rise symbolically.

5. When you are especially missing your loved one, call family members or dear friends & share your feelings. If they knew him or her, consider asking them to share some memories of times they shared with your loved one.

6. If you live within driving distance of the cemetery, decorate the memorial site with a holiday theme. This could include flowers, garlands, ribbons, bows, evergreen-branches, packages, pine cones or a miniature Christmas tree. Decorating the site yourself can be helpful in remembering & celebrating your loved one's life during the holidays, and may free you to cherish the present holiday with your remaining family.

7. Play music that is comforting and meaningful to you. Take a few moments to close your eyes and feel the music within the center of your being.

8. Give money you would have spent for gifts for your absent loved one to a charity in your family member's name. Consider donating money to the public library to buy a particular book. Have the book dedicated to your loved one's memory. Buy a present for a child who would not otherwise have a gift during the holiday season.

9. Read a book or article on grief.

10. Remember the reality that the anticipation of the holidays without your family member is often harder than the actual holidays themselves.

"God comforts us in all our afflictions so we in turn maybe able to comfort those with the comfort where with we are comforted by God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

30 Weeks 3 Days

I just celebrated my birthday as well as my 30 week mark! Very exciting I must say! That means we only have 9 weeks to go.

At my last appointment I had to do the 1 hour glucose test. Yay! Something I wish the fathers had to do as well. Anyway, I got a call a week later to tell me I FAILED & would have to do a 3 hour glucose test & I am anemic so I have to add an iron pill to my daily regimen.

So, Saturday, I got up early & went to the hospital. I registered & then drank my 8oz. orange glucose drink, gave a urine sample & a blood sample.

Thirty minutes later, gave another blood sample; however, I could not give that urine sample.

After an hour I had to give another urine sample & blood sample.

After another hour I had to give another urine sample & blood sample.

After just one more hour, it was time for one more urine sample & one more blood draw.

Well, I got my call earlier this week & was told my glucose test was normal this time. Wew!

I have to stay on my iron pill though, since the baby is growing so much he will need more of my iron & since I am having a c-section, there will be blood loss. So, I have to keep taking this pill. We also found out that if the hospital is not already full, we get to plan our c-section to January 11, 2011! I guess we will find out for sure in two weeks when we go back to the doctor.

We are getting excited though! We bought our first baby item & I think it has helped ease some anxiety, especially with my husband. It is a pack-n-play with Monkeys on it! It is super cute & we already have it put together in our room.

I do not know why I am so fascinated with the monkey theme. We registered at Babies R Us & they had all this monkey themed baby stuff, so that is when it started. Besides, if this baby comes out like his sisters he will be hairy!

Now we are planning our baby shower. Well, actually, I just e-mailed one of our cousins all the information I had & she is going to get started planning our shower. Then, not long after that our little baby boy will be making his grand entrance.

Happy 3rd Angelversary!

It was rather draining this year for some reason. I do not want my son to feel I have forgotten him just because we are expecting another baby boy.

This year we went to the park next to our apartment & released balloons.
Here are a few pictures to share:

Happy 3rd Angelversary!

It honestly does not feel like we lost you 3 years ago. I still remember everything from the day we received our devastating news to the next day you were born into this world.

I was honestly afraid to see you, but you were beautiful! You had ten fingers & toes, your ears where formed on the side of your head along with your nose on your face & your lips were slightly parted. Your eyes were still sealed tightly as you never got to open them & look us in the face.

I was too scared to pick you up for fear that you would fall apart, so I just touched you everywhere & talked to you. Sometimes I wish I had had the nurse put you in my arms. Your skin was soft & clean from having been bathed. The little cards they gave us with your footprints are a reminder that you were here.

We love you son & will never forget you.

Love Always,
Mommy, Daddy, Andrea, Makaila & Crispin

Nehemiah's Story

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

For those of you in the Amarillo area, today is the official Pregnancy & Infant Loss Candle Light Vigil.

It is held annually at Medi Park on Streit Street at 7pm. Come out & remember your precious angel or if you know someone who has lost a baby come out for them. There is a balloon release following.

If you cannot make it out to the park, light a candle at 7pm & let it burn for one hour for a continuous wave of light.

Upcoming Angelversary

Hi All:
As you know Monday, October 18th will be Nehemiah's 3rd Birthday/Angelversary.

This year we would like everyone to pick 3 things you can do to honor our sweet angel. Some ideas would be write a letter to an old friend, pray for someone, make a donation, light a candle, release a balloon, etc.

Once you have completed your tasks we would like for you to send us a message listing the tasks that were performed, this is optional.

Thank you to each & everyone of you who have supported us these past 3 years. We appreciate you all.

God Bless,

How Come No One Understands Me?

The post title is a question I have heard from other grieving mothers, as well as, "What is wrong with people?" or "Just let me be, I will get over this on my own!". I have been this mother.

I have had something spark inside me over the past few days & noticed that as a parent of a baby angel people are not always out to get me or not understanding. Their thinking is just not the same as mine & maybe the words they choose to share are really not about coming off as an attack or to say, "Get over it already". Maybe they just really do not know what to say or since they do not understand, they think they are just trying to be consoling.

I have felt at times that people are telling me that they do not want to be a part of my grieving or remembering & that they think I should just get help or move on. I know that is probably not at all what they were saying.

Also, there may be times when someone has tried to be there & their actions were taken the wrong way & then feelings were hurt. As a grieving parent sometimes we may have to let someone else grieve with us or even for us. I have had instances of both acts of kindness taken as selfish acts & selfish acts taken as selfish acts:

After giving birth & having to do an emergency procedure to stop the bleeding, I got moved to a private room of the labor & delivery ward. Some of my husband's biological family from his father's side showed up, these are people whom we never speak to. We had been to a dance they attended at least eleven years prior & they attended our wedding seven years before, but my husband had not had a relationship with these people since he was a small child. I took this as a sign of selfishness. I mean, did they expect to see a show or something? How can you show up at a traumatic moment after no communication what so ever? Later we found out that my mother-in-law had called them, but my feelings were hurt. This particular incident has been forgiven. I know these women were only there to comfort & show support.

Then my mom & JD had each left to go take showers & eat some relatives showed up to see me. I had barely woke up myself. My mother-in-law was showing them the beautiful box the hospital donated with photos of Nehemiah, which I had not seen yet, a blanket, a card signed by all the nurses & some cards with his hand prints on them. All of a sudden the woman starts crying, LITERALLY, about how she may never get to have kids of her own & she will be stuck with her stepson as her only child. I just played like I was asleep, praying for either my mom or JD to show up & get them out of my room. I was so heartbroken! This particular incident, I have not gotten over.

Then there is the one who thinks they have to be "The Rock". Well honey let me tell you, you are not anyone's rock until you have cried with them. There was a time when I thought my husband was not human, when he did not cry or talk about his feelings. He would always just sit & console me. Well that just made me feel like I was getting on his nerves or I was going to bring him down. When he finally cried for me & let me console him, that was when I realized we were a rock for each other.

October

We are entering our third year of having an angel baby. It has gotten easier to bear, but our hearts still ache for our little baby boy. Not too many people ask me questions anymore & sometimes I feel like people have forgotten or think because we are expecting & because this baby is a boy, that we have forgotten or just gotten over Nehemiah. Not by a long shot!

This month is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. So on October 15th we plan to go to Medi Park for the 4th annual Candle Light Vigil @ 7pm.
I have not planned anything for his birthday yet. Last year we gave out Forget Me Not seed packets with a picture of his hands & a poem & the four of us released balloons.

I ask that each one of you light a candle on the 15th for all the angels. Let it burn for one hour for a continuous wave of light.

Update 24 Weeks

We only have about 15 weeks left! We are so grateful for every moment I spend carrying & nurturing this baby to term.

The other part we are excited about is the fact that we are having a boy. We have heard time & time again that they are so "easy". After two girls, we are ready for "easy". I pray for an easy going child, but with his two drama queen sisters, I am not too sure what we are going to get.

We have a tweenager who is at the stage where she hates me & I am never right. Who thinks her daddy hangs the moon & stars. The only problem with this, is I do not think it is a phase at times because she has been like this most of her life. She is a major daddy & papa's girl. We could end up like my mom & I have.When I was growing up I did not always see eye-to-eye with her either. I can honestly say my mom is my best friend.

I have my little one who has always thought I hung the moon & stars. She can be a daddy's girl at times, but for the most part, she is a mama's girl. This may change once she becomes a teenager, but at least I will have some experience & maybe not take things so personally when she does hate me.

Held Together With Tape & Glue

Anyone who has ever experienced a loss of a loved one or dear friend, knows that with the loss comes great emotional, fear gripping, grief. I know I have spoken about the stages of grief & even described what each one entails.

There is no one way to describe how one feels after a loss when asked. We usually say "fine" or "ok", maybe even "I'm getting by". I just watched the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy & there is a line in the show that goes "I'm busy, holding myself together with tape and glue". That would be a great way to let someone know how you are feeling.

If you broke a perfect vase or a pot, you might try to salvage it by gluing it. Is it the same? No, it is now imperfect & has many cracks. That is how one might describe the way their heart is. Yes, it is back together, but it still has the little imperfections & cracks in it that can never be smoothed away.

Over the last couple of days I have wondered, worried really, will I still think about Nehemiah as much when this baby comes? Will I still miss what might have been with Nehemiah when this baby comes? I am sure that is what most think about when they move on to another part of their life. I do miss him right now while I carry this child. I am happy by all means, but still it can cause emotions to flare. Makes me think about that "what if" or "what might have been"; however, when I think about how this baby would not be on his way if Nehemiah had made it makes me feel guilty for thinking about Nehemiah being here instead of this baby & then I feel guilty for being happy this baby is coming, like I am happy Nehemiah passed, when that is not the case at all. It is like a never ending cycle & that was a bit of a ramble!

Not long after we lost Nehemiah, a woman I worked with told me, "Jennifer, the only way you will ever be happy again, is to have another baby". What!?!? That is so far from it. I am happy I am pregnant & do not take any day that I continue to carry this precious life for granted. I still miss my first son every day & this baby is by no means a "replacement" baby. For some people that may make them happy. But for me there are so many more emotions than that.

So, with all of that said, I am getting by every day & slowly my tape is coming off & the glue is a little less noticeable & my cuts are more like scars.

Excitement + Guilt

We are officially 21 weeks & 6 days. We have had our ultrasound this afternoon & have discovered we are having a baby BOY! So, my instincts were right!
He has all four chambers of his heart, a brain & sealed skull, a full bladder, two kidneys & a great big head & big feet! Which we are excited & feel we would be just as excited to see that he were actually a she. The sonogram shows we are 23 weeks & 4 days, moving our due date to January 6, 2011. The sonographer said my doctor probably will not move anything based on this, but we will see. Especially since it is a scheduled c-section & a VBAC is not an option in my case.

As well as excitement, there is a twang guilt. The guilt of being happy. Just because we are having another baby & a boy at that, does make losing Nehemiah any easier. It does not make us forget the baby boy we had almost three years ago. I get sad sometimes & the other night I was talking to the baby & accidentally called out Nehemiah's name. That broke my heart & I felt guilty.

I do not want to ever forget Nehemiah & what we have endured losing him. It was a lesson to learn how not to take life for granted & that I am a strong woman/mom. I know God gave us that special gift & the gift I am carrying now & we are truly blessed.

The other night, while getting comfortable in bed, I felt something poke my belly. I looked at JD & had asked him if he poked me, which he said no. Then today while we were waiting to be called back, I felt something small rub my belly. I just looked around, of course there was no one else waiting with us & no one was sitting close enough to touch me. I feel like angels are with us always. I would like to think maybe it was Nehemiah touching me. It is nice to think our baby has his own little guardian angel.

Next time, we might share our name choice!!



"For He shall give His angels charge over you, to keep you in all your ways" Psalm 91:11

21 Weeks & Another Checkup

We are 21 weeks today & still kicking!

Today I got to sneeze snot all over myself in the waiting room & overfill my pee cup, that dripped everywhere, & a new vitamin regimen added on & got a note to wear tennis shoes to work & heard a very strong heartbeat & got to ask the doctor to perform a prostate exam on the dear husband since he likes to be difficult at the appointments & got told I have gained back the last 2 pounds of the 10 pounds I had lost earlier on...oh & we got to schedule a sonogram for Monday afternoon! What a day I tell ya!

The new vitamin I get to take is a calcium pill with vitamin D since my bones hurt so bad that sometimes I feel like I need a walker just to walk. I do not like the taste, much less the smell of milk, so I do not drink it. So I have to take my prenatal vitamin with all of its glorious contents in the morning & the calcium pill in the evening before bed.

So, I cannot wait until Monday now to cure my curiosity of whether this little being is in fact a boy or a girl & so I can stop hearing "when are you having a sonogram" "had a sonogram yet to know what you are having" "have you had a sonogram & you are just keeping it from us" "know when you will get one" etc. I guess it is only down hill from here. I remember getting testy when the farther along you get people start asking "you ready to have that baby yet", "you haven't had that baby yet" "when are you due, you look well over your due date" etc. I am just thankful this time it will be a planned c-section so as soon as we set a date I can tell everyone (hopefully) one time precisely when this little beaner will make the grand entrance into the world.

Until then, thank you Lord for giving me this opportunity to carry & nurture a precious life & please give me patience as I have been a little testy with people lately.

20 Weeks & Counting

Today is very exciting for us here in the Reyna family! We have officially reached 20 weeks with our healthy kicking blessing!

So far everything has checked out as planned. We go for our next appointment next Tuesday. We are hoping they schedule us an ultrasound so we can find out what we are having.

I have never found out on my children what we were having beforehand. Just relied on buying things in neutral baby colors & a little on mother's intuition.

With Andrea, I wanted a boy so bad, but around 5 or 6 months I started feeling like "he" was going to be a "she". The funny thing about me carrying Andrea was, no one could guess what it was just by the shape of my belly. One day it would be high, the next low, one day a football shape, one day spread out. My mom, who is usually a good guess, could not even tell. Now, my grandma was a different story. When I opened her shower gift she had bought a bunch of dresses from a garage sale. I had asked her what we would do if the baby came out a boy & she just said, "oh, it won't, but if it does we can give those dresses to someone else, but it won't". We had our names picked for both sexes. Nehemiah Christopher if it was a boy & Andrea Denise if was a girl.

With Makaila, I really did not care this time. I was just excited. This time it was different for us in many ways. We were adults now, we were legally married, we had planned to have another baby, we had full-time jobs & we were "experienced". I dreamed about this baby wrapped in a yellow blanket. No one ever said the baby's name & I never knew the gender. When I came out of recovery & saw her for the first time I thought it was dej a vu. She looked just like the baby in my dreams, as well as Andrea did as a newborn. I did not have any kind of intuition. We had to find a girl name anyways just in case. So, we settled on Makaila Jeanine.

When we got pregnant with Nehemiah, we were all the things we were when we planned to have Makaila. From day one I knew this baby was a boy. We had planned to find out on this one. Since this was going to be our last, so we thought "what the hay". Well, that did not go according to plan. But as soon as I delivered, the nurse asked if we had wanted to know the gender. Of course we did & we were told it is a Boy.

Now, this baby...this is a whole other story in & of itself. JD & I had just started talking about getting back together when we conceived this baby. Call it "loss of self control" if you will. Yes, I was on the pill. Yes, I had missed a few, but I had missed a few before & nothing ever came of it. But the day my breasts were so tender I was literally in tears, JD knew. He said they were like that the times before. At first I just laughed & told him he was crazy. I was about to start, well that is what I had thought. So, the next morning, before anyone else got up, I went to the store. I was nervous. I mean, he had just moved in with me & the girls. We were still trying to get everything straightened out to tell our families, we really were not ready for another baby at all! We had already closed the discussion of other children a few months after the loss of Nehemiah.

When I took the test it was like I was 18 again & was going to have to tell our parents. Actually, I had to confirm JD's suspicions. When I told him, he originally was a little upset, but he set me down & told me that maybe this was really God's way of telling him to grow up & get his act together. So, we decided together to wait & tell anyone until we went to the doctor. The number one reason, we were scared out of our minds! What if we told everyone & then we get bad news at our appointment? What if this baby does not make it either?

After a few days though I had to sit JD back down & tell him that I really had good feelings about this pregnancy & that I knew in my heart that everything was going to be just fine with the baby & the two of us. We just have to keep the lines of communication alive & make sure we are not doubting our decision & to not let fear run our lives, marriage, pregnancy, parenting, etc.

So, back to the gender, intuition thingy. I have since day one with this baby felt it is a boy. To be honest though, I really just want a healthy, happy baby. We cannot be picky in life. We take what we are given & we accept the things we cannot change. I will love this baby unconditionally as I do my other babies. I am not giving away my names right now either because a few ladies I know who are pregnant, do not have names & I do not want them to steal.

Now, just to wait & find out when the time comes. Easier said than done!

Broken...

I have worn this little blue/pink rubber bracelet for almost three years. When my husband first gave it to me, I only took it off to shower. Then, I thought "hey this is rubber, leave it on". So I did. I wore it to every function, holiday, party, work, play, lake, pool etc. It was like a part of my arm. It was a remembrance I wore for the little life lost.

One side says "Remembering" & the other side had two tiny foot prints. The little feet rubbed off first. You would not know they were there if I did not tell you. I can still make them out. Tiny toes & all. Then a few weeks ago I noticed that the "B" had a little hole in it. This hole got a bit bigger & bigger, until one I decided I would wear it until it broke off.

Well, wouldn't you know it? I decided to take it off to put it on my bear & it broke! Ugh!
I just stared at the little blue/pink rubber in my hand first & then I cried for a few minutes & then I laughed at myself for getting so upset. Then I started to realize this little piece of me is now broken & can never be put back together....

Broken like my heart has been. A heart that can never be put back together the same as it was before it was broken. Just a simple reminder that we are breakable.



"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,
A broken & a contrite heart--
These, O God, You will not despise" Psalm 51:17

Wanted to post something a little different tonight....

Warning: Grab a Kleenex.
This brought my husband & I both to tears.

MARRIAGE

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outsidethe door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage.Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

A CHRIST-CENTERED MARRIAGE IS A MARRIAGE THAT IS SURE TO LAST A LIFETIME.

"So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate." Matthew 19:6

19 Weeks & School...

We have officially made it to 19 weeks without any complications! Woo hoo!

Praise to God for such a wonderful blessing. The baby's kicks are getting stronger and increasing. Not a lot of fear is running this pregnancy these days. I know we still have a ways to go, but it feels right this time.

The girls started back to school this week and are enjoying it so far, considering it is only Tuesday. The only problems we have faced getting them ready for school is bed time. We have heard "but it is not bedtime, the sun is still out" or "what time is it, bedtime is not until night time & it is still daytime?". We just give the stern look along with, "Go to bed".

Andrea is in 7th grade. She is going out for the volleyball team. I hope she makes the team, either A or B team is good. She played a few years back with Kids Inc and she had fun doing it.
Makaila is in 2nd grade. She wants to join Kids Inc cheer-leading. I think she would have fun doing that. She has already received a birthday party invite and it is from her "boyfriend".
JD has went back to school as well, so he is now working and going to school. He is majoring in computer technology, unless he changes it again. While waiting for his financial aid to go through he changed it three times. I really think he will stick with computers though.

Andrea's birthday is coming up and we have been trying to decide what we can do for her. She is going to be the big 1-3! It makes me feel old thinking about 13 years ago I had her. I can remember going into labor with her and not having her until seven minutes after midnight, all thanks to my big brother for jinxing me! He got a great birthday present that year. I would be so lucky to have a niece or nephew born my birthday. I remember her baby moments. Watching her grow into such a beautiful girl with such an attitude. I know my parents are probably reading this right now and laughing. Dad is probably thinking "like looking in a mirror".

Well, I hope everyone has a great school year!

The Full Original Copy of the Serenity Prayer

by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)

God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

"I will lift up my eyes to the hills--From whence comes my help?
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven & earth." Psalm 121:1-2

Check Up

Wednesday I had my monthly checkup. It went well. The little beaner did not want to be still so we can hear a heartbeat. The nurse would get a read & then the little beaner would move. One time beaner even kicked the Doppler, like to say, "Hey, get that off of me!".

Every appointment we have with the doctor, we hold our breaths until we hear that sweet washing machine sound. I even think my doctor holds her breath along with us. Not too sure when my next sonogram will be, but we have another appointment in 3 weeks. I am sure we will know by then when our next sonogram will be. This Tuesday we will be 18 weeks along, by our next appointment we will be 21 weeks. As soon as I reach that 20 week mark with this little baby still kicking & thriving, I will be able to breathe deeply.

JD & I discuss this often. Both of us scared to be too excited, even though we want so much to be. We understand all too well that no life is guaranteed, no pregnancy is guaranteed to have a happy ending. We may not be able to breathe deeply until we have this little baby put into our arms after taking his/her first breath.

So, for now I will continue to give the glory to God for giving me this little life to carry, nurture & care for until the day he/she makes the great grand entrance into the world.

Grief & Coping

Anytime we lose someone close to us it can be devastating. It can feel like your heart is going to stop beating at a moments notice & you will just crumple into a ball & die yourself.

To "stop" the pain we find things to make us "feel" better. There are some who engross themselves in work, sports, drugs, alcohol, sex; anything to get their mind off of the fact that they will never be able to see that person or talk to that person again. Sometimes forgetting that the world has not stopped just because a life has. Even forgetting those around us who may be in the same pain we are or are there to help. Marriages fall apart from lack of communication. One wants to talk about it, the other wants to move on from it. Siblings can have a falling out if one wants to remember a parent one way & the other one wants to remember them another.

When actually we need to stop, face the pain & let it all out. It does take time & the pain does not stop overnight just because you want it to. Communication is key.

There are 5 stages of grief. The stages do not come in any particular order. The stage may occur more than once. One stage may last longer than the others or you may even experience more than one stage at a time.

1. Denial-"this cannot be happening to me", not crying, not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.
2. Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back, or blaming them for leaving.
3. Bargaining-"I will be a better person if...", attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss, begging for them back.
4. Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, feeling numb, mourning loss of person as well as hopes, dreams & plans for the future, even suicidal thoughts, or thoughts of hurting someone else.
5. Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation & acceptance. You accept the loss not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that the person is gone & that it is not their fault, they did not leave you on purpose. Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort & healing.

What I have learned in my process is talking about it makes me feel better. Anytime I can share a small piece of my little man, I will. I have made a scrapbook to help. It has photos, scriptures & cards of condolences in it. A few months ago I found a Memorial Tear, designed by Kathy Bernu. It is a tear with a rose inside of it. You can hang it on a key chain, wear it on a necklace or carry it in your pocket. Also, at one of our grief sessions we got to pick out a rock to carry in our pockets & it has helped. It is like Nehemiah picked these items just for me to remember him by.

I have also turned to God a lot during my time of grief. Reading has helped me. Unfortunately for me, the only memories I have of Nehemiah are of pictures of him during sonograms, feelings of movement while I was pregnant with him & the photographs the hospital took for me. I did not get my moments with him I had prayed for or dreamed of, but I do cherish what I did have him with.

I hope if any of you are grieving right now, that you remember "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted" Matthew 5:4

Hormones, Hunger Pains, Night Sweats...

Anyone who has ever been pregnant or married to a pregnant woman knows what comes along with the whole deal.

There are those cravings that you have at midnight or crying at commercials or being hot & then cold. What about the gas & indigestion?

I do not like macaroni & cheese, I do not like milk, I do not like to eat cheese straight up; however, I have been craving mac & cheese everyday, I tried milk...it was not disgusting & I have had a hankering for Monterrey Colby Jack cheese....straight up!

Now I know I cannot eat &/or drink all of this everyday or I will be a huge cheese puff & when this baby is ready to come out I will have a chance of delivering a Chester Cheeto. How fun would that be?

I am emotional anyway, but it is about 90% worse when I am pregnant for some reason. I could cry at one thing, but turn around & laugh about something totally different. I have really done good so far, but don't think it has been easy. Especially the previews to that new movie "Charlie St. Cloud" with the hottie Zac Efron! It makes me tear up & I have not even seen the movie.

Then I am hot, then cold, then hot, then cold. It is quite funny to me when this happens. Throwing the covers off onto JD, then pulling them off of him to put them back on me, then throwing them off, then pulling them back on. Probably why I cannot stay asleep at night.

A few weeks ago I woke up at 1:00a.m. & could not go back to sleep all from dreaming about my delicious tostadas...well long story short, we all enjoyed some beef & bean tostadas with all the fixin's at 2:00a.m.! The girls were still up that night watching a movie & after our tummys were full, we went straight to bed. What a night that was! It has not happened since & hopefully it doesn't.

I should just be eating peanut butter, hot dogs & ketchup since that is probably all this baby is going to want to eat. Well, that is what his/her older sisters eat.

Pregnancy can be humorous & that is what makes it all exciting. Even though to those around us we probably work their nerves at times. We have to laugh now before the baby comes & we are too tired, cranky, hungry, stinky...well, you get the idea!

Week 14+

We are on week 14 & 5 days & all seems well & right with the world.

Still giving glory to God for the blessings in my life. Praying daily for this little miracle to stay here with us & be healthy. It is trying at times because of fear. The fear of another loss, the fear of what would come about if we lost this baby, the fear of having to feel the emptiness that comes along with the loss of a baby. However, I have accepted that I will not let fear run my life. It will not take over this pregnancy!

I have some sinus issues & I may lose a nose before long. I have one nostril that likes to run when I am without a tissue, but stops up when I am trying to sleep. I feel like cutting it off of my face. But how funny would I look then if I were to do that. JD tells me it will be all worth it in the end, so I guess I will survive.

Besides my nose being disgusting, I have felt like I can feel this baby move already. That is pretty exciting, yet scary too because I do not feel the baby all of the time so I start to panic a little. I just tell myself that I am not far enough along yet & to enjoy it when I feel the movements.

.................................

I am sorry, but I am going to break in here & ask you all who read my blog to pray for a few people today.

My grandma was admitted to the hospital over the start of the weekend for anemia & has had to receive at least 3 pints of blood since I last spoke with my dad. Not too sure what else they have determined, but just pray that the doctors listen to God for the best treatment. I hope to know more later.

Also, a small family in Dallas that my brother & his family know need prayers for healing & understanding. The wife went in for a DNC only to have it go badly. It seems she has lost 95% of her small intestines, but seems to be physically healing. Just pray for her continued healing & for comfort with their loss as well.

If I can pray for you, please let me know.



"Give ear to my words, O Lord, Consider my my meditation. Give heed to the voice of my cry, My King & my God, For to You I will pray." Psalm 5:1-2

Love of Our Father

It is difficult to lose a baby at any age or gestation. As a mother of an angel, I have felt like a failure. I would never wish anything like this on anyone no matter what. At times I have felt like it should be up to me who gets to have a baby when I am judging someone who I deem "unfit". But it really is not up to any one of us.

I do not feel like God gives us something just to take it away. He is not like our older brother who would say, "You want a bite of this delicious candy bar?" Just so when we say yes, he stuffs it all into his big fat mouth. I believe He decides that we may not be ready for what we are about to receive or He feels like we are not going to be able to handle that specific task & so He takes it back to give us something else.

It is like this saying, "When God takes something from your grasp, He is not punishing you...but merely opening your hands to receive something better".

Now at the time of any loss we are not thinking, "Oh thank You so much God, just can't wait to see what You are going to give me in return!" No, we are questioning ourselves, God, human nature, people around us, loved ones. Questioning every move we made to trick our minds into believing it was something we did & should be punished for.

When we lost our son I begged for 6 months to pass. Thinking in 6 months I would be over this hurt & my heart would not feel like it was going to explode in my chest every time I thought about what I lost. However, 6 months did not make me feel better. We fool ourselves that is what we do.

I never turned my back on God, I actually found myself crying out to Him even more than I had in a long long time. I looked up every bible verse I could find to help me in my pain. A few off the top of my head that helped were:
Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted & binds up their wounds
Matthew 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted
Nehemiah 8:10 Do not sorrow for the joy of the Lord is your strength
I read a lot of books too that I found comfort in.
Free to Grieve by Maureen Rank; she references the bible in this book.
Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg; she includes a journal section after each story which let you jot down questions or feelings.
A Silent Love by Adrienne Ryan; (this one is my favorite one) she not only talks about her losses, but she retells personal stories from other women, even her husband & parents partake.Music helped as you can see reading through my past posts. I love music anyway, but to have special songs when you are experiencing certain trials in your life is always helpful. Songs to cheer you up, songs when you are happy, songs when you are mad or songs to have fun!
The love of our Father is everlasting. We should trust in Him always. So if you are going through something right now that seems like there is no end in sight, remember God will never give you more than you can handle & as what my all wise brother would say "& this too shall pass".


"His favor is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

HaPpY 4tH oF jULy

Feeling much better this weekend. Do not know if it is because we have been just laying around watching movies or just starting to feel better.

No big plans for the 4th this year. The park they set the fireworks off is just down the street, so we are hoping they will be high enough in the air to see from our parking lot or maybe the park next door.

We have a bit bigger park on the North side of town that the fireworks use to be at & you could park on the boulevard to see them. Now they moved them to a smaller park off a busy road & charge you to park inside. You would have to camp out all day to get a good spot & to get out is crazy.

The last few years we have gone out to one of our aunt's home & shot them off ourselves & cooked out, but they have moved. So here is hoping we can see them from our apartment. Our local news channel shows them on TV, but that is nothing like the real thing.

For everyone else who is venturing out to family, friends, lakes, the park, please be careful & responsible.

Thank you to the service men & women who have made great sacrifices for our country's freedom!

Everyday is a New Day...

Wow! Today I was an emotional wreck! I do not know what has come over me. Nehemiah has been heavy on my mind today. I hope this is not how the remainder of my pregnancy will be.

Before we got pregnant, JD & I had talked about whether we would feel guilty having another baby or if we will feel guilty if we ended up having another boy. This discussion has come up again now that we are pregnant. Do we feel guilty having another child to "replace" him? I do not feel in anyway we replaced Nehemiah. For one, we were not trying! The other reason, I do not feel you can ever replace anyone or anything that you have lost that is near & dear to you. This baby that I am carrying is a new baby, a different baby, even if it turns out to be another boy.

Now today I felt saddened/guilty for being so happy. I almost felt like he kept reminding me he was here so that I will not forget him while I am thinking about this baby. Then again maybe it is my subconscious reminding me, putting Nehemiah in my thoughts.

Everyday is a new day, with new feelings & new emotions. I am happy here in this moment & like I have said before, I give all the glory to God. If it were not for Him, none of us would be here today.



"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-8