Held Together With Tape & Glue

Anyone who has ever experienced a loss of a loved one or dear friend, knows that with the loss comes great emotional, fear gripping, grief. I know I have spoken about the stages of grief & even described what each one entails.

There is no one way to describe how one feels after a loss when asked. We usually say "fine" or "ok", maybe even "I'm getting by". I just watched the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy & there is a line in the show that goes "I'm busy, holding myself together with tape and glue". That would be a great way to let someone know how you are feeling.

If you broke a perfect vase or a pot, you might try to salvage it by gluing it. Is it the same? No, it is now imperfect & has many cracks. That is how one might describe the way their heart is. Yes, it is back together, but it still has the little imperfections & cracks in it that can never be smoothed away.

Over the last couple of days I have wondered, worried really, will I still think about Nehemiah as much when this baby comes? Will I still miss what might have been with Nehemiah when this baby comes? I am sure that is what most think about when they move on to another part of their life. I do miss him right now while I carry this child. I am happy by all means, but still it can cause emotions to flare. Makes me think about that "what if" or "what might have been"; however, when I think about how this baby would not be on his way if Nehemiah had made it makes me feel guilty for thinking about Nehemiah being here instead of this baby & then I feel guilty for being happy this baby is coming, like I am happy Nehemiah passed, when that is not the case at all. It is like a never ending cycle & that was a bit of a ramble!

Not long after we lost Nehemiah, a woman I worked with told me, "Jennifer, the only way you will ever be happy again, is to have another baby". What!?!? That is so far from it. I am happy I am pregnant & do not take any day that I continue to carry this precious life for granted. I still miss my first son every day & this baby is by no means a "replacement" baby. For some people that may make them happy. But for me there are so many more emotions than that.

So, with all of that said, I am getting by every day & slowly my tape is coming off & the glue is a little less noticeable & my cuts are more like scars.