Capture Your Grief Day 28 - Special Place

Special Place - We did not choose to bury our baby, the hospital was supposed to do an autopsy & the ball was dropped and we have never asked what they did with his sweet body. 

So, my special place I go to is here. In my memory box & blanket given to me at the hospital, the scrapbook I made & a bear my friend had made for me.

Capture Your Grief Day 18 - Release

Release - My release comes on the day we celebrate our sweet angel, October 18th. Every year we release balloons with messages, but last year our area was out of helium and we lit sparklers instead. This year my mom got a helium tank so we did both. Here is our balloons being released this evening.

I caught this screenshot here.....notice the date & time?

Dear Diary: November 23, 2007

                                                                                         It's snowing!! 
Thanksgiving was a blast. Granny and I cut up stuff and cooked. Daddy and your cousin Alex helped with the fruit salad. Your other cousins and your sisters played. Then everyone started to show up.

It was so nice having everyone together. We have a new cousin Cannon. He is so precious. 


I had written my prayer and read it over and over. I was getting nervous. I stood between Daddy and your uncle Michael for some support. Papa stood behind me. Daddy told everyone I was reading something. I got so nervous I started to panic and cry. I handed it to your dad and said I couldn't do it. He handed it back to me, Michael grabbed my hand and Papa grabbed my shoulders. I took a deep breather and began. My voice kept cracking, but I got through it. Not one dry eye, when I got done, in the room.

Everyone hugged me one at a time. The prayer was not only meant for me and my pain. Your cousin is getting divorced, your great-aunt and great-grandma are having a hard time. Your Granny and Papa are having to celebrate holidays without two of their daughters (a story too long to tell) and probably a few others going through something quietly. 

I love you even though we never met. I will see you again in Heaven and i will hold you in my arms. You are precious to me and your footprints are on my heart. FOREVER!

"If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men. But Christ has indeed been raised from the dead, the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep. For since death came through man, the resurrection of the dead comes also through a man. For as in Adam all die, so in Christ all will be made alive." 1 Corinthians 15:19-22 

Dear Diary: November 21, 2007

Today your dad and I have been together 12 years. Crazy and in love still. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I wish you were still here. I would be 25 weeks pregnant and everyone would be able to feel you move now. I have written a prayer for tomorrow, I just hope I have the courage to read it. 

I am thankful for you and our time together. I miss you baby boy! 

Love,
Mommy <3>

"We love because God first loved us." 1 John 4:19

Dear Diary: November 19, 2007

Yesterday was one month since I gave birth to you. This weekend was good. Friday daddy and I had a date night. Dinner and a movie.

We worked on the house some more. I think we are finally done. Now just need to clean for Thanksgiving. 

I do miss you growing inside of me. I wish I never had to give you up!

I love you!

You are looking down us. I love you!

"Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints." Psalm 116:15

Dear Diary: November 16, 2007

I had a semi-bad day today. 

This morning at work I had a crying attack. A woman was in the bathroom talking about people dying around holidays. I just broke down soon after in the stairwell. 

 I have been doing good. My friend brought sonogram pictures and everyone decided to use my desk as the place to look at them and oo and ah over.

It hurt, but all I could do was sit there and smile. She is having a boy. I'm losing it! This sucks!

I wanted to cry so long and hard today, but I did not let myself. I prayed to God to send someone my way who understood. 

Her name is Paulina. She has a 16 year old and a 6 year old. Between the two she had two miscarriages. Her youngest daughter was believed to be her third, but she survived. Unfortunately not long after birth, she had a total hysterectomy. She wanted to try one more time for a boy, but was robbed. 

I believe God saved my womb for one more baby, but now is not the time. 

I love you!

It felt good to talk with her. When I talk about how I feel to people they either make a sad face or an ahhhh sound. I am thinking about seeking more help. 

I feel like I am making your dad upset when I talk about you or things I think about concerning you or the things I read about. I am going to pray more about it.

A lady at Drea's school told me she'd ask Andrea when am I due and she told the teacher you'd died. She told us her daughter had lost twins and how much harder that had to have been. I thought she was very inconsiderate. All she had to say is, "Andrea told me about your loss and I'm sorry to hear of it." People do not think! They are uneducated as such. I guess I am seeing it was meant to be for me to go through this. 

We are going back to church this weekend. I know it will help us a lot! I miss you baby boy! I think about you and I love you! 

Love, 
Mommy :) 

Jesus said, "You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy." John 16:20

Dear Diary: November 13, 2007

Hi baby!

I had a good two days. I have been tired and moody.

My friend is pregnant and I am so jealous. I am very happy for her. It hurts a little, but I do not resent her or her baby. There are pregnant women all around me and I am jealous of them all. 

I know if God wants me to have another baby He will give me one when I am ready. I am no where near ready right now. No way!

I do not want to replace you and I would feel so guilty. I might feel differently in 6-12 months. 

I am anxious to go back to Dr. H again. I pray to God she has answers.

I have been doing good on my stress level and getting upset over stupid stuff. I wish I had done better during my pregnancy. My anxiety attacks are better since going back to work. 

I miss you! I love you!

Thanksgiving is coming. Get to stuff ourselves with good food and good company.

Well, baby I better get some sleep.

Love you my love!   


""He will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces." Isaiah 25:8

Dear Diary: November 11, 2007

Yesterday we worked on the living room to get everything done for Thanksgiving. I have been very energetic since going back to work.

Today we put finishing touches on the living room and kitchen. We even went to church this morning. I put you in the prayer request. 

I have read both books I ordered online to help me deal and I am glad I read them. 

I am still praying we get some answers at my next appointment. That will be December 4th. I really do not know if I want anymore children. One thing I am scared this will happen again.

There is no way I can handle another loss and if it were worse next time I could lose my mind. I do not and cannot blame this on my Dr or God. There is a perfectly logical explanation as to why you left me so early. Nothing could have been done to save you. 

One thing, you were already gone at least a week and a half before we knew it. I am grateful you were a part of me even if for just a moment in time. To help ease my heart, I have two beautiful daughters, your sisters and I have you wonderful father and an awesome family that pulled together for us to make us feel peace and comfort. 

We will always miss you! And you were loved and always will be!

Nehemiah Christopher, gone but never forgotten! 

"Just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." 2 Corinthians 1:5

Dear Diary: November 9, 2007

Today is my birthday! It was nice. I had food at work and a small party at granny's. It was nice. 

Yesterday was my first day back to work. I got overwhelmed at first and cried for a second, but the rest of the day was good.

I talked about you and showed them your foot and handprints. It felt good to talk and be out. 

Today was good too. I got more work done today than yesterday.

Makaila is happy back at daycare. She is doing good. 

I love you Nehemiah and I miss you. I asked for a scrapbook, just a small one to fit in your box to hold your pix and sonograms and cards. 

Well, good-night baby. Mommy loves you! 

"This is what the Lord says: "Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears...there is hope for your future," declares the Lord." Jeremiah 31:16-17

Dear Diary: November 7, 2007

These last few days have been good. 

I go back to work tomorrow. I kind of miss it, the adult contact and the work will keep my mind busy. 

My appointment was good yesterday. No news on you yet. Dr. H says maybe my next appointment will have some results. She says we can try again. She asks that we wait about six months. She gave me some birth control pills to try. I miss you bebe!

I received one of the books I ordered too. Almost done reading it. I had a friend lose her baby a few years back. I have been debating calling her. It's been a while since I have spoken with her. I drive by L's grave every now and again. What do you think?

Makaila is ready for daycare tomorrow. I'm not much fun. 

I do not blame God, nor Dr. H. You must have been too sick for me to care for or it would be too hard for me to lose you later in your life. But I miss you and love you!

It will get easier, but I will never forget you.

Hopefully, daddy and I are going to start church this Sunday. I need it so I am going to pray about it. I can't go without him. We both need this! I love you!

Tonight your dad and I had a spat. I told him about my new book and thought he might like to read it. Instead me bringing it up made him feel like I was telling him what to do with his feelings which is not my intentions.

I have been crying now for about an hour. I do not know what to do or say now. I thought the other day he was just acting uninterested when I told him stories I read about other women losing a baby, but now I think I was making him think about you and hurting him instead. I guess I will wait until he needs me. I love him. And this should bring us together, not tear us apart. Now I really hope he still goes to church with me on Sunday. 

I am going to say my prayers and sleep now. Love you!

Forgot something, you dad says he can't break down. His job is to be strong for me so when I breakdown. I told him he does not always have to be the strong one, to let me be the one to care for him. He is so stubborn sometimes. I think that is something that makes me adore him. If I think of anything else, I will be back. 

Mommy loves you! I know your sisters do too. Makaila told you all the time when you were in my womb. She'd kiss my tummy and say, "Mama, he says he love you!" We all miss you!


"Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him For the help of His countenance." Psalm 42:5

    

Dear Diary: November 4, 2007

October is over! Today is grandma's birthday. 

I had a hard night last night. I was trying to go to sleep and I started crying. It seemed like an hour before I could quit. I got up and read a bit. It was almost 5:00 before I got back in bed and finally feel asleep.

This morning I keep dropping everything and breaking whatever I've dropped. I need to go back to bed and wake up again. 

The other night I had a nightmare! The doctors informed me they had a procedure to keep you in my womb and make you better. But I woke up and remembered you are already gone from my womb. I cried a while until i feel back to sleep. It was like I as reliving everything over and over. I try to change my dreams when the thoughts of you being gone enter my mind. I pray to God and I do thank Him for my time with you. You will always be a part of me. I felt you move and kick. I love you! I miss you!

I ran into an old friend yesterday. I almost forgot to tell you. I told her about you. It felt good to discuss you with someone. I gave her my number. I hope she calls me. She has three boys. I really hope she calls. We haven't talked in about four years.

I am so grateful I got to hear your heartbeat, and I got to see you move inside me and I got to feel you move and I got to love you! All this before you left me. 

Thank you God for my own guardian angel!

NEHEMIAH CHRISTOPHER REYNA **Name meaning** Consoled by God.

Dear Diary: November 2, 2007

Seven days until my birthday. Ugh! I don't want a party. I don't want to celebrate. I miss you!

I got a good night sleep last night. It's been taking me a while to get to sleep and then I can't get up in the mornings from being so tired. I can think about you now without crying uncontrollably.

Your dad is being super patient with me. He rented the movie "Knocked Up" a few nights ago and he could not stop apologizing. It was really alright with me. And then he told me I could take aspirin since I'm not pregnant and he apologized for that remark. It was really alright. He is right. And then he was telling me about his Christmas party, how it's going to be a baby shower too. He asked me if I'd want to go. He is so sensitive. He really has no reason to apologize to me. 

Men do not feel the way women do when it comes to this sort of thing. I forgive him. He is the best!

November 21st will be our twelve year anniversary. I know that is forever! Our six year wedding anniversary was October 20th.

I love you baby boy! XOXOXO

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; My heart trusted in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart greatly rejoices, And with my song I will praise Him." Psalm 28:7  

Dear Diary: November 1, 2007

We had a blast taking the girls out!

Makaila kept telling people how awesome their decorations are and they weren't scared at all! I was a little..shhh.

We visited Tio Juan, Grandma Becky, grandma Shirley, Aunt Na, Uncle Bo, Aunt Laci and Cadence. Cadence was a giraffe.

I cried at bedtime though. I miss you and I wish I could take you trick or treating. I know I did in my heart, but it is not the same. 

Today I am doing okay. This week I have been so lazy! I can't get up in the mornings. I am so tired for some reason. I have not had to take a sleeping pill for a week, so I do not know.  

I need to clean! This house is dirty! Ugh! I love you baby! You are missed! Truly!!

Just a few days until I go back to the doctor and then work. Ugh! I'm enjoying being off, but I'm lonely and I know KK misses her friends. I miss you!

Lots of love from me to you baby! :) <3


"Be not far from Me. For trouble is near; For there is none to help." Psalm 22:11 

Dear Diary: October 30, 2007

I am good today. 

I ordered two books from the internet to help me & daddy deal with our grief. I really miss you!

I kissed your pictures today. 

One week until I go to the doctor. Tomorrow is Halloween. Andrea is going to be a pumpkin & Makaila is going as a present.

I love you angel!
Good-night baby!
XOXOXO


Make a joyful noise ---even when it hurts.
The Lord never gives us more than we can handle. 

Dear Diary: October 29, 2007

I am doing okay.

Friday Makaila and I went to the park and the zoo. She has been keeping me company. She asked me if she was bad at daycare and that is why she is staying with me. I told her I need her to be with me. She is so sweet. You two would have so much fun together. I wish you were here. 

Sometimes I do forget I am not pregnant. This is really hard sometimes. When I get too sad I kiss your pictures. I am so glad I have them of you so I can remember what you look like.

I miss you baby!
I love you!


Their tiny feet go before us to show us the way home. ~Unknown

Dear Diary: October 25, 2007

I am okay. 

Yesterday I took Makaila to a consignment shop and she put on wigs and masks while I took pictures. 

Then we went to the park. We had fun. It was nice getting out and it wasn't too busy, so no anxiety attacks.

This morning is going good. I slept well with a little help, but it is nice to be able to sleep without waking up and not falling back to sleep.

Little boy, I miss you and love you!

XOXOXO





"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4 

Dear Diary: October 23, 2007

This is so hard! I know I'll get through this. I kiss your pictures every morning.

I think it hurts a little more because you are a boy. 

I feel like I disappointed daddy because I could not carry you full term. I know how much he wants a little boy.

I love you!


XOXOXOXO

"For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

Dear Diary: October 22, 2007

In April we were discussing having another baby. We could never really make up our minds when to start trying. Our little baby was conceived the second week of June. Due to the fact that the 1st day of my last menstrual cycle was the 1st day of May & I should have had another one beginning June 23rd.

On July 2nd I had the distinct feeling I was carrying precious cargo. Just to be on the safe side we waited one more week, not even telling anyone what was going on. 

I took a test on the morning of July 10th, the day before your daddy's birthday. It was positive. We told our parents & later that weekend, we told everyone in the family the news.

My first appointment was July 31st. This was just a nurse visit, but we set up a sonogram & gave past medical history. We were getting excited!

This time I was more anxious than the other two times. It almost seemed sureal. 

On August 1st at 8:00am, I went alone to this visit, I was so nervous, I thought they were going to tell me I am not pregnant. The tech was so nice she calmed me. 

Then we saw this beautiful heartbeat inside my womb. You are there!

I was so excited, still a little more anxious than normal. 

My first Dr visit was August 22nd at 12:15pm. The Dr (Dr. H) was wonderful. She explained that we would be able to plan your delivery. It would have to be around 39 weeks. We were really getting excited. I know that eased daddy's mind because he had doubts about having to go through another emergency c-section. This visit got weird & tense. 

When the doppler was put on my stomach there was not heartbeat. We had to across the street for another sonogram. I was feeling so uneasy. I as bracing for the worse. I felt guilty for feeling this way. As soon as we got in the room the teck turned on the machine & got ready. I kept my eyes closed until he said, "There he is! He's moving so much, no wonder you couldn't hear him." 

I opened my eyes & saw this little skeletal form "dancing" around. I was so happy & relieved.

My next appointment was September 19th at 11:15am. I had been feeling you move all week. I wish I'd written down the first day I'd felt you move. It hadn't been too long, but this week there was loads of movement. No one else could feel you yet, but I could. 

This time it took them a while to get you on the doppler again, but I could feel you so I wasn't nervous. 

About the second week of feeling you move daddy thought he felt you. I know you moved a lot under his hand when he put it on my stomach.

The week after my appointment I was feeling a little anxious again & for some reason. I asked daddy what we would do if we lost you early on. He told me not to think about it, but he would not blame me & he'd love me. I asked him if we'd try again, he said we'd have to see.

About a week before my last visit, I had been sore all over & had not been feeling you move. I thought maybe I had another UTI or just tired. I never expected what I was going to get. 

Wednesday, October 17, 2007 at 1:00pm I went in for my appointment. I felt good & ready. 

We were debating about finding out the sex. When they tried to hear your heartbeat with the doppler, they couldn't. Dr. H just said maybe you were moving a lot or that the placenta was in the way. So we went for a sonogram. 

There still was no doubt in my mind anything was wrong.

K, the tech, looked for you on the screen. When you came into view, I knew.

K went to get Dr. H. Your dad just kept asking me what was wrong. I just told him it looked like your heart was not beating.

When they came back in K showed Dr. H. You were measuring 18 1/2 weeks. You should have been 20. My heart fell. They left us alone to cry in each others arms. 

We had to go back to Dr. H's office to discuss what was next.

We decided we'd deliver you the next morning. Dr. H gave me something to help me sleep & granny and papa took us dinner.

Thursday,October 18, 2007
We got to the hospital at 8:30am. Granny came to be with us. After blood work and discussing all the procedures for the day, we began. 

It was 11:45am when we started to induce labor. They said it could take up to 48 hours. I was so scared. I had always had c-sections and I was not ready to give you up!

At 2:45pm they came with more meds. I was bleeding and the nurse felt my water bag, so we thought it was going to quicker than planned.

At 4:00pm or so, another Dr came in to put a folley in my cervix. This was to pen it up for you. They'd told me the gender may not be visible.

After the intense pain I delivered you at 9:41pm. A BOY! (The nurse did let it slip that your umbilical cord was around your neck two times, but we aren't sure if that is why you left us.)

I had to have a D/C to clean out my uterus and to stop the bleeding. When I got out of recovery they brought you to me. 

You were in a blue/green blanket with white starbursts on it in a white Moses basket. They had described you to me so I wouldn't be shocked.

You were 9oz (265 grams) & 9 inches long. You had ten fingers & ten toes. You were beautiful! Tiny, but beautiful!

I love you!
I miss you!
You are my guardian angel!
You have two big sisters and even though you three never met, I know they love you!

Nehemiah Christopher Reyna 

Was I too anxious?
Was I too nervous?
Was I too stressed?
Did I squish you when I was sleeping?
Could this have been prevented?
Why?
Am I a failure?
Did I want you enough?

Your dad is the best! He has been taking good care of me.

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14

5 Years Ago - Oct. 17, 2007 - Oct. 18, 2007

Exactly five years ago today, we made it to our doctor's appointment at 1:00pm, expecting to set up a sonogram.  We were still undecided whether we had wanted to know the gender. With your sisters we waited to find out what we were having until the moment they were delivered.

Your daddy and I were so excited!

Today was the day we received the most devastating news any parent would want to hear.

"Your baby has no heartbeat"

The next morning I would go into the hospital pregnant and one day later leave with empty arms....

and he said: "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." Job 1:21

Five Years Ago - Aug. 22, 2007

This appointment was rather scary. I had had a nightmare the night before that we would be told you were gone.

When Dr. H tried to hear your heartbeat with the doppler, nothing could be heard. She sent us directly across the street to have a sonogram done just to check on things. 

When the tech put the probe on my belly, I kept my eyes on the ceiling & held my breath. When he said, "There he is! No wonder you all could not hear him, he is all over the place!"

I nearly jumped off of the table to give him a hug!

You looked like a fish in water, moving your hands & legs every which way...kind of like "Hey Mom & Dad! I am here & I am excited to be your baby!"