Capturing Your Grief - Day 30

"Your Grief - Tell the World"

Here are a few faces of grief I would like to share. As well, there are five stages of grief. They come in no certain order, they last for no particular amount of time, and some come around more than once.

• Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
  
• Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
  
• Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
  
• Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
  
• Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”
  

Live Life

Grief is a mysterious thing in that you never know when it will hit. Sometimes right away, sometimes it takes a few days, months, etc. It does not always happen all at once, could last a while or it could be brief.

I have been asked how am I "ok" after my loss or how did I not blame God & I just say because my strength comes from the Lord. However, I have been thinking a lot about different stories that I have heard along my journey & I can honestly say that if my child had had to suffer with an illness or maybe one of my living children passed away without any explanation, what would my faith be like then? However, I pray I never find out.

I personally feel that God did not take us instead of our children for a reason. I am not sure what that reason is & one day hope to find out. I just know that I am not going to lie down & say that my life is over & be a complete wreck all the days of my life. God granted me life & I know that my child would not want to look down at me from Heaven & see a torn, shattered, beaten down woman, who is not taking care of herself & her other children. He would want to see his mother living her life & sharing his memory with all who will listen.

I guess what I am trying to say is, we still have a life to live, so why waste it?

Grief & Coping

Anytime we lose someone close to us it can be devastating. It can feel like your heart is going to stop beating at a moments notice & you will just crumple into a ball & die yourself.

To "stop" the pain we find things to make us "feel" better. There are some who engross themselves in work, sports, drugs, alcohol, sex; anything to get their mind off of the fact that they will never be able to see that person or talk to that person again. Sometimes forgetting that the world has not stopped just because a life has. Even forgetting those around us who may be in the same pain we are or are there to help. Marriages fall apart from lack of communication. One wants to talk about it, the other wants to move on from it. Siblings can have a falling out if one wants to remember a parent one way & the other one wants to remember them another.

When actually we need to stop, face the pain & let it all out. It does take time & the pain does not stop overnight just because you want it to. Communication is key.

There are 5 stages of grief. The stages do not come in any particular order. The stage may occur more than once. One stage may last longer than the others or you may even experience more than one stage at a time.

1. Denial-"this cannot be happening to me", not crying, not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.
2. Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back, or blaming them for leaving.
3. Bargaining-"I will be a better person if...", attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss, begging for them back.
4. Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, feeling numb, mourning loss of person as well as hopes, dreams & plans for the future, even suicidal thoughts, or thoughts of hurting someone else.
5. Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation & acceptance. You accept the loss not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that the person is gone & that it is not their fault, they did not leave you on purpose. Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort & healing.

What I have learned in my process is talking about it makes me feel better. Anytime I can share a small piece of my little man, I will. I have made a scrapbook to help. It has photos, scriptures & cards of condolences in it. A few months ago I found a Memorial Tear, designed by Kathy Bernu. It is a tear with a rose inside of it. You can hang it on a key chain, wear it on a necklace or carry it in your pocket. Also, at one of our grief sessions we got to pick out a rock to carry in our pockets & it has helped. It is like Nehemiah picked these items just for me to remember him by.

I have also turned to God a lot during my time of grief. Reading has helped me. Unfortunately for me, the only memories I have of Nehemiah are of pictures of him during sonograms, feelings of movement while I was pregnant with him & the photographs the hospital took for me. I did not get my moments with him I had prayed for or dreamed of, but I do cherish what I did have him with.

I hope if any of you are grieving right now, that you remember "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted" Matthew 5:4