We Just Went Home

I was just thinking 6 years ago, on this exact day, at this exact time, we were leaving the hospital with just a yellow memory box with the small mementos of ever having a baby, a vase of flowers, and my clothes.

We went home with no baby cradled in our arms. 

We went home with our hearts gaping. 

We went home with the what ifs.

We went home with the whys.

We went home to the cold realization that we would never see or know this baby.

We just went home.

To cry.

To cling to one another.

To sleep.

To an empty crib.


Six years have come and gone and I believe we are in a better place. Our arms are still a little bit empty, our hearts still gaping, the what ifs still linger, the whys are in the back of our minds, the reality has become real, we still cry, we still cling to one another, we are able to sleep and the crib has been put away.

We are filled with the gladness that one day we will be reunited with our forever baby and we will hear of the fun he had with Jesus. 


 

Grief is Hard

I am member of a grief forum online. In this group there are mothers who have lost their children to drug overdoses, killed by drunk drivers, murdered, suicide, SIDS, during delivery, during pregnancy, etc. It gets to me a little bit reading every story & looking at every picture. I try to limit my time on there per day as it can make you a bit paranoid & depressed.

Everyone knows that there is a time & place for politics & religion & I for one, do not believe in a group setting of difference of opinion you should bring up either unless you are ready for a war. 

"Where is your GOD, while my baby was dying?" was the caption under their child's picture. I felt compelled to answer this question, as well as a few other ladies. Some answers were not what I thought of our God, some answers were right on point with what the bible says, etc. I actually had not thought this particular "discussion" was getting out of hand. Mom's were giving their two cents worth & no one was getting mad. When all of a sudden a commenter took it too far. Cursing God & actually cursing me, as well as all the other "bible beaters". I sucked in my breath & kept my composure. Not like this woman was going to listen to what I had to say anyway. The whole post was deleted eventually anyway.

I understand when parents are new in grief that it is hard. There are more questions than answers. I understand that not everyone believes in our loving God. I do not judge, it is not my place. I still pray for every parent that is living the rest of their life without their children, every day. People do not realize there is a Satan too as they are bashing God. It actually just breaks my heart.

A few posts I read just make me confused. For example, "I do not know if I believe in God, but will you pray for me anyway?" When I am thinking, if you do not believe, what would you like me to pray for exactly? or "I trusted God & believed in Him & then this happened! Why?" When I am thinking, if you ever really believed & had faith, how can you question Him?

I am sure I sounded like a few women in the forum. After I lost Nehemiah, I would get so mad when I would hear of someone else finding out they were pregnant, especially if they were not married, used drugs, did not have a job, did not take care of themselves or their existing children.

Then one day, JD told me to just snapped out of it! He was right. Who in the world put me in charge? For one I was that teenage, unwed mother & I am sure there were plenty of women who hated me. 

I am just really thankful that our God is an understanding God. We fall down, He lifts us up. We get angry with Him, He forgives. 



I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

Live Life

Grief is a mysterious thing in that you never know when it will hit. Sometimes right away, sometimes it takes a few days, months, etc. It does not always happen all at once, could last a while or it could be brief.

I have been asked how am I "ok" after my loss or how did I not blame God & I just say because my strength comes from the Lord. However, I have been thinking a lot about different stories that I have heard along my journey & I can honestly say that if my child had had to suffer with an illness or maybe one of my living children passed away without any explanation, what would my faith be like then? However, I pray I never find out.

I personally feel that God did not take us instead of our children for a reason. I am not sure what that reason is & one day hope to find out. I just know that I am not going to lie down & say that my life is over & be a complete wreck all the days of my life. God granted me life & I know that my child would not want to look down at me from Heaven & see a torn, shattered, beaten down woman, who is not taking care of herself & her other children. He would want to see his mother living her life & sharing his memory with all who will listen.

I guess what I am trying to say is, we still have a life to live, so why waste it?

Grief is...

All engulfing
Managing
The price we pay
Healing
Good for us
More than emotion
Common
Sharing
A natural reaction
Long
Learning to live without
Heart-rending
Inevitable
Work
Part of Life
A unique challenge
Like a river
A journey
The agony
Cruel
No longer forbidden
Normal
Like a tsunami

Death & Grief

Death is a part of Life. You can't have life without death. Grief is death's best friend. Grief likes to torture us & give us headaches. We all lose & grieve in our lifetime. Some not to the extent as others, but we all experience it one way or another.

I know you have read me say this before, but grief is like a punch in the gut, it takes your breath away. Some days it feels like you are going to die yourself. You are thinking your heart just cannot take anymore or it will explode!

When I hear someone has lost a baby or child, it tears at my heartstrings. More now than it did before my own loss. I use to only be able to say "I can only imagine". Now, I can say "I know".

I never try to compare my grief or my feelings to another person's, as they may not feel the same way I did at that moment. I know grief is grief, but I do not think one should say to another "I know how you feel". Really? How do you know? Yes, you have been at the same crossroad & have had the same outcome, but you do not know how that person is feeling. I say wait it out & if they talk to you & their feelings are in fact the same as yours once were, then I think it is safe to say you know. You never want to downplay someone else's grief, nor make it your own.

In the beginning I cried day & night. Everything set me off. I would beg for God to hurry up & let six months pass. My thinking was, in six months I will be over this. I will be better & I can start over. Not everyone prays for life to pass them by when they lose someone. Some do not cry day & night.

I have met a few mothers who have just wanted to hurry & have another child & seem to be fine with that. Yes, they have bad days & are sad, but not to the extent of losing it right there in front of me. They are cool & calm, not the way I would say I had handled it. I never held back. If I was having a panic attack or just needed to bawl, I started right then & there. I did not want another child & I knew for me, it would not help me one bit in doing so. I needed to just be left alone to grieve with my husband.

I do not grieve the same way as I did 4-years ago, but I still grieve. I know that I have since been blessed with a precious baby boy, but that will never take away my pain & sorrow. My heart is scarred & will never be healed. It can be ripped open at any moment & I will grieve again. I just know how to live with grief in my life now. It will never go away while I am alive here on earth & I am okay with that, now.

Today I pray for peace & comfort for parents & grandparents who have lost their baby/grand-baby or child/grandchild. It is devastating & not something anyone of us would wish on our worst enemy. I would wish crabs or something, but not for their child to be taken by death.

Grief - Jeremiah 31:16-17

"This is what the Lord says: "Restrain your voice from weeping & your eyes from tears ... there is hope for your future," declares the Lord."

Grief - Psalm 32:6-7

"Let everyone who is godly pray to You while You may be found; surely when the might waters rise, they will not reach him. You are my hiding place; You will protect me from trouble & surround me with songs of deliverance."

Grief - 1Thessalonians 4:14-18

"We believe that Jesus died & rose again & so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in Him. According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord Himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel & with the trumpet call of God, & the dead n Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive & are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. & so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage each other with these words."

Grief & the Holidays

At holiday time, many people are dealing with loss & are often caught in a dilemma between the need to grieve & the pressure to get into the spirit of the season. Holidays or not, it is important for the bereaved to find ways to take care of themselves. The following guidelines may be helpful:

1. Plan ahead as to where & how you will spend your time during the holidays. Let yourself scale back on activities if you want to. Redefine your holiday expectations. This can be a transition year to begin new traditions & let others go.

2. Select a candle in your loved one's favorite color and scent. Place it in a special area of your home & light it at a significant time throughout the holidays, signifying the light of the love that lives on in your heart.

3. Give yourself permission to express your feelings. If you feel an urge to cry, let the tears flow. Tears are healing. Scientists have found that certain brain chemicals in our tears are natural pain relievers.

4. Shakespeare once said, “Give sorrow words…” Write an “un-sent letter” to your loved one. expressing what you are honestly feeling toward him or her at this moment. After you compose the letter, you may decide to place it in a book, album or drawer in your home, leave it at a memorial site, throw it away, or even burn it & let the ashes rise symbolically.

5. When you are especially missing your loved one, call family members or dear friends & share your feelings. If they knew him or her, consider asking them to share some memories of times they shared with your loved one.

6. If you live within driving distance of the cemetery, decorate the memorial site with a holiday theme. This could include flowers, garlands, ribbons, bows, evergreen-branches, packages, pine cones or a miniature Christmas tree. Decorating the site yourself can be helpful in remembering & celebrating your loved one's life during the holidays, and may free you to cherish the present holiday with your remaining family.

7. Play music that is comforting and meaningful to you. Take a few moments to close your eyes and feel the music within the center of your being.

8. Give money you would have spent for gifts for your absent loved one to a charity in your family member's name. Consider donating money to the public library to buy a particular book. Have the book dedicated to your loved one's memory. Buy a present for a child who would not otherwise have a gift during the holiday season.

9. Read a book or article on grief.

10. Remember the reality that the anticipation of the holidays without your family member is often harder than the actual holidays themselves.

"God comforts us in all our afflictions so we in turn maybe able to comfort those with the comfort where with we are comforted by God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

How Come No One Understands Me?

The post title is a question I have heard from other grieving mothers, as well as, "What is wrong with people?" or "Just let me be, I will get over this on my own!". I have been this mother.

I have had something spark inside me over the past few days & noticed that as a parent of a baby angel people are not always out to get me or not understanding. Their thinking is just not the same as mine & maybe the words they choose to share are really not about coming off as an attack or to say, "Get over it already". Maybe they just really do not know what to say or since they do not understand, they think they are just trying to be consoling.

I have felt at times that people are telling me that they do not want to be a part of my grieving or remembering & that they think I should just get help or move on. I know that is probably not at all what they were saying.

Also, there may be times when someone has tried to be there & their actions were taken the wrong way & then feelings were hurt. As a grieving parent sometimes we may have to let someone else grieve with us or even for us. I have had instances of both acts of kindness taken as selfish acts & selfish acts taken as selfish acts:

After giving birth & having to do an emergency procedure to stop the bleeding, I got moved to a private room of the labor & delivery ward. Some of my husband's biological family from his father's side showed up, these are people whom we never speak to. We had been to a dance they attended at least eleven years prior & they attended our wedding seven years before, but my husband had not had a relationship with these people since he was a small child. I took this as a sign of selfishness. I mean, did they expect to see a show or something? How can you show up at a traumatic moment after no communication what so ever? Later we found out that my mother-in-law had called them, but my feelings were hurt. This particular incident has been forgiven. I know these women were only there to comfort & show support.

Then my mom & JD had each left to go take showers & eat some relatives showed up to see me. I had barely woke up myself. My mother-in-law was showing them the beautiful box the hospital donated with photos of Nehemiah, which I had not seen yet, a blanket, a card signed by all the nurses & some cards with his hand prints on them. All of a sudden the woman starts crying, LITERALLY, about how she may never get to have kids of her own & she will be stuck with her stepson as her only child. I just played like I was asleep, praying for either my mom or JD to show up & get them out of my room. I was so heartbroken! This particular incident, I have not gotten over.

Then there is the one who thinks they have to be "The Rock". Well honey let me tell you, you are not anyone's rock until you have cried with them. There was a time when I thought my husband was not human, when he did not cry or talk about his feelings. He would always just sit & console me. Well that just made me feel like I was getting on his nerves or I was going to bring him down. When he finally cried for me & let me console him, that was when I realized we were a rock for each other.

A Poem I Found & Fell in Love With

Message to Mommy

Mommy, Please don't be so sad,
I miss you so much too.
It's beautiful here where I am
But I worry a lot about you.
I sleep with angels watching me,
There's only love up here...
I'm never lonely or afraid,
Cause God's so very near.
I walk with Jesus every day
He's very kind and loving.
Don't worry mom: He holds my hand, When we cross a golden street.
I never cry or hurt myself
I see Grandpa everyday...
I play and laugh and sing a lot
And I hear you when you pray.
Please mommy, don't be mad at God
You see, He loves me, too.
And even though you're not with me
I'm really still with you.

HeArTpRiNtS

This evening was our first night back at The Hope & Healing Place with our Pregnancy & Infant Loss Group (aka Heartprints). It was really nice. There was only one other couple there besides JD & myself. They had lost a baby at 20 weeks & 1 day gestation due to Turner Syndrome just this past January. I hope JD & I have given them a little insight as to what to expect. The wife & I share a lot of the same grief process & it was nice to be able to tell her how I felt during the first months. JD & I actually admitted things we had not even told one another. Like how I had prayed God to make the first 6 months speed by or how JD talks to Nehemiah in our garden when his little windmill gets to spinning.

We only have an hour, but we almost went two. Our therapist had to stop us. It was really nice to be able to finally talk to someone who can actually relate on more levels than just one, losing a child. I am telling you this is truly a God Send. Praise God! There were suppose to be some more couples; however, no one else showed up. I cannot wait until we meet again in two weeks. Maybe JD & I have found us some lifelong friends. Who knows. Praising God!

Usually we stop at Taco Bell after our meetings to eat before we go pick up the girls. Since I have given up chips that is out of the question. Man I was craving a Nacho Bell Grande so bad!! I am glad JD is supporting me in this or I am sure he would have driven right into their parking lot.

I just wanted to give everyone an update to how our session went.

You are Holy God! You are blessing our lives every day & for that we thank You!

Hope & Healing

Well, we got a letter in the mail Friday telling us our meetings at The Hope & Healing Place will begin again on Thursday, March 5th. I am very excited!

According to our previous e-mail there are 3 new people & a dad (not sure if he is included in the 3 or if he makes 4). Either way, Praise to God that we are reaching more people who are hurting after a pregnancy or infant loss. We started w/6 the first week & it dwindled down to just 4 (JD included) by the third week.

It does make me nervous though to begin again with new people. Only because you do not know what to expect. Our first time was so intense that I cried the whole time & did not say anything. Everyone who shared their story made me cry that much more. One of the other ladies did not share her story & never came back. I still pray for her to find peace & hopefully she will return to share her story w/someone.

It is nice to be able to share your own personal struggles w/someone who knows first hand what you are experiencing. It also feels good to just have someone listen. I have so much compassion for the ladies who shared their stories with us last time. We should be able to grieve & it helps that we have somewhere to go.

I will keep you informed on our little group. I cannot tell you anyone's name, but I can share my experience.

My Own Testimony of a God Send!

After losing a child (or any loved one) you always think, what is the lesson here? What could God have brought to us through this hurt & pain for? What is His reason everyone keeps telling us about? I think we have found ours. Well, let me back up a bit. After JD & I lost our son we were devastated. We both grieved differently. Me, outward; him, inward. At first I cried & cried & cried. JD was wonderful & supportive. But soon I felt like I was burdening him with my crying, so I stopped & started keeping a journal. However, his inward struggle was far worse than anyone could see. He started having chest pains & could not sleep. He hurt is back & slept on the couch for about two months. He never told his doctor what we had been through, so his doctor just put him on blood pressure medication & a couple of other meds. I wanted to talk about our loss, he didn't. We started drifting away from each other. On a couple of occasions he would just go off on me & a few hours later act like nothing ever happened. It got to where he would not even remember what he had said to me. One evening he poured syrup on my head (funny now, but not at the time) & after I got into the shower he asked me why I was taking a shower so early for. When it could not get any worse, he told me he wanted out. He could not do it anymore, he had lost his "passion". He did not want to learn the guitar, he did not want to go to church, he did not want to play softball (which is his life) & he did not want to be with me. I was devastated yet again. First I lose my son & now I am going to lose my husband. How does that happen? Long story short, my dad observed a certain day with JD & decided I needed to call his doctor & talk to them about his medication; call his brother & talk to him about possible depression & get him in to see someone. First step, we went to his doctor, after talking with the doctor JD tells him he does not want any antidepressants. What does the doctor do? Put him on "anti-anxiety" medication; a very low dose he tells JD. Next step, to a therapist, who informs JD he is definitely depressed after a series of questions. Then, the doctor tells JD that he is actually on an antidepressant & not anti-anxiety medication. We go see him four times & he helps us along on our journey. We move back in together & decide we need to help other people in the same shape we are in. I had looked into some help earlier with no avail. So, we put our minds together & came up with an idea to start a support group; however, before we could get it started, we get a call from The Hope & Healing Place. I had been there earlier to get counseling without JD & they had some other women who have lost babies & needed support, so would we be interested in coming in & maybe in the future help them out with other couples? WHAT A GOD SEND!?!?! Our first group consisted of JD & myself, along with four other women & our wonderful Group Leader & her assistant. Unfortunately one the women only came to our very first night & we had one who only came two nights. Hopefully, they will come around again. But our first night was so intense. I did not talk at all. I thought I would just talk & talk & talk, but I cried the entire time. & JD, the one who lost his "passion", talked & talked & talked. He was the first one to talk too! He has not gotten all of his passions back, but we are so much closer than ever. Actually, since Nehemiah's first angelversary we have truly began healing properly. October was an intense month for the both of us. There are two other remembrances in October (4th-Walk to Remember & 15th-Candle Light Vigil) & we just did too much last year with it being our first year. Hopefully it will not always be that intense. Anyway, we are hopefully going to start up again. Our Group Leader has informed us that she has three other couples & one dad who is interested in coming. I pray that we are able to reach as many people who need us. Like I said, I could not find anything to meet our needs, but God has brought us all together through our pain to help others in pain.


 
The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart,
And saves such as have a contrite spirit. Psalm 34:18

Tears in Heaven (lyrics)

by Eric Clapton

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you feel the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
cause I know I dont belong here in heaven...

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?
Ill find my way through night and day
cause I know I just cant stay here in heaven...

Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart, have you begging please...begging please

Beyond the door theres peace Im sure
And I know therell be no more tears in heaven...

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you feel the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
cause I know I dont belong here in heaven...

My Personal Struggle

I have struggles, just as many of you out there. I try to look up to God & pray to Him when I am in my darkest hour. I still try to remember to say my morning & evening prayers everyday, along w/my noon ones when I hear of a struggling family, child or a loss of a loved one. My biggest struggle is the loss of my son. Seeing other mothers w/their babies sometimes brings tears to my eyes. I love children & since I was a little girl I had always wanted lots of babies.

I miss my son & what could have been. Nehemiah was due to be born March 8, 2008, but I would have had a scheduled c-section due to my previous two, so he would have come the last week of February.

When other women are pregnant I try to be happy for them, but when they say they weren't trying or didn't want kids it stings. Especially women who do not take care of themselves &/or they already have children they do not care for, it really hurts. I know I have no right to say who should have children & who should not & I try not to judge, but I am human & the green eyed jealous monster comes out & I think the worst.

I do wonder who would he look like & what would he grow up to be?
Would he have been mommy's little boy?
When everyone around is holding their baby w/out a care when I lost mine & will never get to hold him on earth I want to tell them so they know.

I want my son to spend holidays w/& get to celebrate his firsts & I want to hold him while he sleeps & smell his baby breath.
I want to be able to complain about no sleep & smelling like spit up & laugh at him making baby sounds & funny faces while he sleeps.
I know one day in heaven I will get to see my smiling boy & do all the things I am missing out on now. I just want it now!

When I am having a moment, I try to keep it to myself so I don't bring everyone else down around me. Which half of the time, they do not seem to notice me there anyways. They go on about their business & I still hurt. Waiting for some words of comfort or support, maybe a hug. There are people in my own family who have not said anything to me since my loss. I can tell when I am making someone uncomfortable when I bring it up & when people ask me if I will ever try for a third child or for a son. That is always awkward, more for them than for me. I get that look though when I tell them & that makes me feel awkward. I know that not everyone has been through this experience and it is easier to just ignore it, because what can you "REALLY" say to make things better? I do have advice for people who know someone who has lost a baby, HUG THEM!! Tell them you love them!! & ask them if they want to just talk about it. That is what I would like people to do for me. THAT WOULD BE THE NICEST THING EVER!!

I know some people they wonder "when will they get over it?" "when will they just move on?"...well, I cannot answer those questions for you. We take it one day at a time. If we are to get pregnant it will be by the grace of God, as we are not trying at the moment.
But for now I will meet you in my dreams Nehemiah & we will play patty cake & smile at each other until I can be where you are.

Mommy, Please Don't Cry.....

There are No Tears in Heaven.

Written by: Linda Dey Maz
Illustrations by: Laurie Snow Hein

I read this book after a girl from our support group suggested it. I do not want to copy it word for word, but I would like to share somethings from it, along with the scriptures printed in it.

"Mommy, please don't cry...
A beautiful angel carried me here!"
Let the little children come to Me, and do not hinder them for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Luke 18:15-17
"I met Jesus today, Mommy!
Ha cradled me in His arms.
He made me feel so happy inside."

He will wipe every tear from their eyes.
There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain,
for the old order of things has passed away. Revelations 21:4

"When it's time to rest angels tuck us in,
I never get scared mommy,
there is no darkness here!
Jesus is the light of Heaven."

Take heed that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven. Matthew 18:10

"Mommy, please don't cry...
I'll wait right here for you."

Thankful for My Thorns

After receiving this in an email a week before Thanksgiving 2007, I was inspired to write our Thanksgiving prayer.

Sandra felt as low as the heels of her Birkenstocks as she pushed against a November gust and the florist shop door. Her life had been easy, like spring breeze.

Then in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a minor automobile accident stole her ease. During this Thanksgiving week she would have delivered a son.

She grieved over her loss. As if that weren't enough, her husband's company threatened a transfer. Then her sister, whose holiday visit she coveted, called saying she could not come. What's worse, Sandra's friend infuriated her by suggesting her grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer. "She has no idea what I'm feeling," thought Sandra. "Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?" she wondered. For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For an airbag that saved her life but took the life of her unborn child?

"Good afternoon, can I help you?" The shop clerk's approach startled her. "I ... I need an arrangement," stammered Sandra. "For Thanksgiving? Do you want beautiful but ordinary, or would you like to challenge the day with a customer favorite I call the 'Thanksgiving Special'?" asked the shop clerk. "I'm convinced that flowers tell stories," she continued. "Are you looking for something that conveys 'gratitude' this Thanksgiving?"

"Not exactly!" Sandra blurted out. "In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong."

Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the shop clerk said, "I have the perfect arrangement for you."

Then the door's small bell rang, and the shop clerk said, "Hi, Barbara ... let me get your order." She politely excused herself and walked toward a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and long-stemmed thorny roses. Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped. There were no flowers!

"Want this in a box?" asked the clerk. Sandra watched for the customer's response. Was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed. "Yes, please," Barbara replied with an appreciative smile. "You'd think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn't be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again," she said as she gently tapped her chest.

"Uh," stammered Sandra, "that lady just left with, uh ... she just left with no flowers!"

"Right, said the clerk, "I cut off the flowers. That's the Special. I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet."

"Oh, come on, you can't tell me someone is willing to pay for that!" exclaimed Sandra.

"Barbara came into the shop three years ago feeling much like you feel today," explained the clerk. "She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had lost her father to cancer, the family business was failing, her son was into drugs, and she was facing major surgery."

"That same year I had lost my husband," continued the clerk," and for the first time in my life, had just spent the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too great a debt to allow any travel."

"So what did you do?" asked Sandra.

"I learned to be thankful for thorns," answered the clerk quietly.

"I've always thanked God for good things in life and never to ask Him why those good things happened to me, but when bad stuff hit, did I ever ask! It took time for me to learn that dark times are important. I have always enjoyed the 'flowers' of life, but it took thorns to show me the beauty of God's comfort. You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we're afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others."

Sandra sucked in her breath as she thought about the very thing her friend had tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is I don't want comfort. I've lost a baby and I'm angry with God."

Just then someone else walked in the shop. "Hey, Phil!" shouted the clerk to the balding, rotund man. "My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement ... twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems!" laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue-wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator.

"Those are for your wife?" asked Sandra incredulously. "Do you mind me asking why she wants something that looks like that?"

No ... I'm glad you asked," Phil replied. "Four years ago my wife and I nearly divorced. After forty years, we were in a real mess, but with the Lord's grace and guidance, we slogged through problem after problem. He rescued our marriage. Jenny here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she learned from 'thorny' times, and that was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific 'problem' and give thanks for what that problem taught us."

As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra, "I highly recommend the Special!"

"I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life." Sandra said to the clerk. "It's all too ... fresh."

"Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my experience has shown me that thorns make roses more precious. We treasure God's providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember, it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don't resent the thorns."

Tears rolled down Sandra's cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on resentment. "I'll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please," she managed to choke out.

"I hoped you would," said the clerk gently. "I'll have them ready in a minute."

"Thank you. What do I owe you?"

"Nothing. Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart. The first year's arrangement is always on me."

The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra. "I'll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you would like to read it first." It read:

"My God, I have never thanked You for my thorns.
I have thanked You a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns.
Teach me the glory of the cross I bear;
Teach me the value of my thorns.
Show me that I have climbed closer to You along the path of pain;
Show me that, through my tears, the colors of Your rainbow look much more brilliant."

Praise Him for your roses, thank Him for your thorns. When the going gets tough, the tough seek the Lord!

Telling My Story

Well, I have not really written much about myself or my family on here. I was going to just post bible verses & my favorite song lyrics & such. However, I have been following a few blogs that have really been pulling at my heartstrings & decided, I am going to share some feelings & really blog more.

I am no one special. I have not saved anyone from a burning building, I have not rescued someone from drowning or kept someone from killing their self, but I am a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a cousin, an aunt & a friend. I want to be someone who can help the hurting & the weak. To be an inspiration to someone.

Where to begin, I grew up here in Texas, never really traveled the world, only going as far as Arkansas (not complaining). I do not have lots of money, but I am the richest woman in the world. I have 2 beautiful daughters, Andrea & Makaila; a son in heaven, we named Nehemiah; a wonderful husband, JD; 2 awesome parents, Joe & Sherry; an older brother, Michael, (who, in my eyes is the "wind beneath my wings", he truly inspires me to be the best); a younger brother, Bo, (who I would say is one of my best friends) & 2 sisters, Samantha & Stephanie, who have chosen not to be in our lives (a whole other blog at a whole other time). Among my siblings, I have 7 nephews & 2 nieces.

JD & I are no where near the perfect couple, but I must say we are working on it. I was 18 & he was 17 & seniors in high school when we got pregnant with Andrea. We had no idea what we were doing. But we had our parents' support (after the initial shock & disappointment wore off) to help us. I lived with my parents & JD lived with his until we were ready to move into the real world together (many months later). We had many ups & downs starting out so young. I was also not ready to marry him just because we were expecting a baby; however, he acted ready, he wasn't.

My pregnancy was awesome, for a dumb teenager, except I gained 53lbs & ate everything! My older brother kept telling me I was not going to have her on my due date (October 8th), but on his birthday on October 21st instead. Well, I woke up on Monday, October 20th with slight cramping & some bleeding, but Andrea did not want to be born, so 17 1/2 hours later I had a c-section; @ 12:07am on Tuesday, October 21, 1997 she was here, weighing in @ 7lbs 11 1/2 oz. Hmmmm, maybe my brother knows something we don't. HA!

Except, earlier that day he bought me a cheese pizza (while I was in labor) because I was begging for one. My mom kept telling me no because I would throw up (well, I guess she was right). He also drove me to the hospital (both times), but would not run any of the red lights I begged him to run on our 2nd trip. I am sure glad he was there though.

We finally decided to get married on October 20, 2001 (why we chose the day before Andrea's birthday is beyond me). We were married by Bo's best friend, in my aunt's den with our family & closest friends.

We were 23 & 22 when we decided to try again. It took us 6 months to conceived, but this pregnancy, as before, was uneventful, except the fact that I kept losing weight & my doctor wanted me to gain weight (I was not as skinny as I was the 1st time, so I did not see the point) & I was too tired to eat, but slept ALL the time.

I only went 2 days over my due date of February 28th. Monday, March 3, 2003, my water broke at home while I was whining I did not want to go to work to hear "you look ready to pop" & "can I touch your belly" & "aren't you due yet!" I was going to try for a Vbac (vaginal delivery after c-section), but the baby had other plans. I was only at the hospital for an hour before I was whisked away to have an EMERGENCY C-section. I had to move myself to the operating table, only to turn on my side to see the fetal heart monitor going down from 62...61...60, I was dry shaven & knocked completely out only to wake up feeling like I had been cut in half & left to die. Makaila was born @ 9:35am, weighing in @ 7lbs 3oz.

Not ready to quit, we wanted to try for a third. This time hoping for a boy. We were 28 & 27 when we decided this. Many times going back & forth, because JD had watched a documentary about multiple c-sections & the risks & statistics of death & blah, blah, blah. Oh, where was I, so we decided to get started. It only took us three months before I knew it, I was pregnant. This pregnancy was actually eventful. Before every appointment I had nightmares that they were going to tell me my baby was dead. But the first appointment was good, weighing, peeing, talking, writing out my medical history, signing insurance documents. 2 weeks later I had my 1st sonogram & saw the little heartbeat. My next appointment (12 weeks) they could not find a heartbeat w/the Doppler & I was sent across the street to do an ultrasound. There the little bugger was, moving around so much the tech said that is why we could not hear the heart beat (I wish I had asked him if a DVD recording would have been possible). My next appointment (16 weeks) went great too & I was already feeling movement (way earlier than my other two).

But at 20 weeks, I was on to the heartbreak of my life! It was Wednesday, October 17th & I had not had my usual nightmare, but I knew I had not been feeling any movement for at least a week. They did the Doppler first. My nurse just asked me "do you have any other children?".......WTH!?!?! They sent me downstairs this time for an ultrasound. We waited FOREVER!!!! But as soon as she put the scanner on my belly & turned on the monitor, I knew! My baby was just laying there in the fetal position, NO heartbeat!! She turned off the monitor & told us she had to get the doctor. I started crying & JD did not know anything, he just asked me what was wrong......I could not look at him as I said "the baby is dead". He instantly broke down. They said the baby had been gone about 1 1/2 weeks. Next, we went back to the exam room to talk about our "options". The baby was big enough to be delivered, but too small to do a c-section. They could induce as early as the next day or wait until Monday. Andrea's birthday was that Sunday & there was no way I was going to have a birthday & family w/my baby dead inside of me, so we opted to deliver the next day.

They started the induction at 11:30 & I delivered a son @ 9:41pm on Thursday, October 18, 2007. The placenta did not want to come out all in one piece so I had to be put under to have a D&C. They almost could not get the bleeding stopped; it was explained to me later that there are three steps to get the bleeding to stop before a hysterectomy & I was at the third step, by the grace of God, they stopped it with a shot in my arm.

@ 4:30am they brought my son in to me in a beautiful white basket & he was wrapped in a green blanket. I was scared to pick him up, so the nurse unwrapped him & I just touched him & stared at him. JD looked at him, but he could not touch him. He was perfectly formed & so beautiful. My nurse was awesome! I wish I would have had her hand him to me to hold. Unfortunately, we did not have a funeral (I wish we had had him cremated) & the hospital dropped the ball so there was no autopsy. We will never know why he died & I hope the hospital did not throw him out with the trash. We have a special place in our garden with his stepping stone , an angel statue & a statue of a hand w/a baby in it.

I love my girls, but sometimes I just want my son back, even if just for a moment. I do not even know if we will ever try for another baby, but for now I find peace & comfort knowing that one day we will all be together in Heaven. I know Jesus is caring for my baby until I get there. We do not know if we will ever try again. This has broken us down to our lowest point, but also brought us closer together. Satan will not win!

That is all I have to share for now, but I do plan to do this more often. But for now, I wish you well & may God bless you every morning by waking you up w/the beautiful sun shine on your face & breath in your mouth.

Dreaming With a Broken Heart (lyrics)

by John Mayer

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

Now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my , roses in my hands?

Would you get them if i did?
No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part