Capture Your Grief Day 31 - Sunset

Sunset - the ending of the day the Lord has blessed us with.

Capture Your Grief Day 30 - Growth

Growth - I believe in a higher power ~God~ and the promises He has made. With that I know I will see my baby again in heaven.
I am growing everyday.

Capture Your Grief Day 29 - Healing

                                          This picture is from a few years ago.

Healing - My husband has been my rock. He lets me cry, talk, yell etc. He is the only one who knows exactly what I am going through & has helped my healing. There is my rainbow baby, Crispin, has been a ray of sunshine after the storm. I'm not completely healed & never will be, but the days are not as dark as before.

Capture Your Grief Day 28 - Special Place

Special Place - We did not choose to bury our baby, the hospital was supposed to do an autopsy & the ball was dropped and we have never asked what they did with his sweet body. 

So, my special place I go to is here. In my memory box & blanket given to me at the hospital, the scrapbook I made & a bear my friend had made for me.

Capture Your Grief Day 27 - Signs

Signs - When I am feeling sad or missing my little angel, I find these white furry feathers or I have had butterflies land in front of me & stay for a few moments. Sometimes I get a smell in my nose that reminds me of how it smelled when I had him & I know he is right beside me.

Capture Your Grief Day 26 - Community

 Community - To me Community is Family & Close Friends. I have always love the movie Lilo & Stitch & the Ohana saying. My family is rather large, so I picked this picture for today. 

Capture Your Grief Day 25 - Say it Out Loud

Say It Out Loud - I have four children! I get uncomfortable telling people I have 4 because then it sometimes turns into a lot of questions and sad looks. Sometimes I feel more uncomfortable for the person asking.

Captute Your Grief Day 24 - Artwork

 

Artwork - My art work is deisigning our Team shirts every year. I wish this picture was s bit clearer. The 2009 photo were his actual sized footprints walking in the shirt, the 2010 are his hands together like he is praying, 2011 was angel wings & his name, 2012 was the "Angel in the Book of Life" poem in the shape of the March of Dimes symbol & 2013 we did a baseball theme. My dad & I wor red shorts & baseball socks to run our 1st 5k in. 

Capture Your Grief Day 23 - Tattoo or Jewellery

Tattoo and Jewellery - I received this necklace from my husband & girls for my birthday after my loss and I never take it off. It says "My Guardian Angel Protect Me". I want to get a tattoo one day when I find the perfect one.

Capture Your Grief Day 22 - Words

Words - I had decided to name my son Nehemiah after the man in the bible. I had never paid attention to the verse in the picture until I had lost my baby. The name Nehemiah also means: comforted by God. Seems so fitting. I love this scripture because I know one day God will wipe away every tear and make all things right again. I faith that I will see my precious baby at that time.

Capture Your Grief Day 21 - Honour

Honour - I honour my son with a blog that I write on. We also walk as a Family Team every year for the March of Dimes and I make hats to donate to our two NICUs on his angelversary. It is the way I get my precious baby's name out there for everyone to get to know him.

Happy Sweet 16

I cannot believe that 16 years ago I delivered this beautiful young lady. 

I pray her next 16 years she follows her dreams and becomes the woman the Lord leads her to be.

Capture Your Grief Day 20 - Hope

Hope - I hope that one day no parent has to lose a baby during pregnancy and that all babies are born healthy at at least 39weeks and that no more babies die of SIDS. No parent should ever have to bury their dreams & hopes.



 

We Just Went Home

I was just thinking 6 years ago, on this exact day, at this exact time, we were leaving the hospital with just a yellow memory box with the small mementos of ever having a baby, a vase of flowers, and my clothes.

We went home with no baby cradled in our arms. 

We went home with our hearts gaping. 

We went home with the what ifs.

We went home with the whys.

We went home to the cold realization that we would never see or know this baby.

We just went home.

To cry.

To cling to one another.

To sleep.

To an empty crib.


Six years have come and gone and I believe we are in a better place. Our arms are still a little bit empty, our hearts still gaping, the what ifs still linger, the whys are in the back of our minds, the reality has become real, we still cry, we still cling to one another, we are able to sleep and the crib has been put away.

We are filled with the gladness that one day we will be reunited with our forever baby and we will hear of the fun he had with Jesus. 


 

Capture Your Grief Day 19 - Support

We have too many to put in one picture so I simplified it.

They know who they are though.

They have join our Family Team each year, they help us raise money & sale chocolates, they let us cry on their shoulder....more importantly, they speak his name - Nehemiah.

I love you all and we would be insane without all of you.

Capture Your Grief Day 18 - Release

Release - My release comes on the day we celebrate our sweet angel, October 18th. Every year we release balloons with messages, but last year our area was out of helium and we lit sparklers instead. This year my mom got a helium tank so we did both. Here is our balloons being released this evening.

I caught this screenshot here.....notice the date & time?

Capture Your Grief Day 17 - Time

Time - 6yrs ago today we went in for a routine 20week checkup. We were expecting to set up an ultrasound to find out the gender of our baby. We were not expecting to be unable to find a heartbeat on the doppler, to sit in a waiting room for 2hrs waiting for a sonographer to get us in, to see our lifeless baby on a black & white monitor, to have our Dr come in to tell us we the baby may have passed 1 1/2weeks before, that I would need to deliver within the next few days. But those are all the things we heard. I will remember this day the rest of my life. 

Capture Your Grief Day 16 - Season

Season - My son was born still 2 weeks before my birthday. Up until last year, I did not want to celebrate my birthday because I thought it was unfair that I got to celebrate something my son never will. I love the holidays though. When I am hurting I love to have family around, so those days were not affected.

Capture Your Grief Day 15 - Wave of Light

Wave of Light - For the last 7 years a sweet woman in our area holds a candle light vigil at our local park. She started this in 2007 after she lost her sweet baby boy. We are very thankful for her generosity to come put every year and let us remember our babies together. She has candles, snacks, balloons and give always. This was our 6th vigil for our sweet Nehemiah. 

Capture Your Grief Day 14 - Family

This is our family of 6.
It consists of Dad, Mom, Big Sisters Andrea & Makaila, our Angel Nehemiah, and our Rainbow Crispin. We are a happy family. We love to have fun & be silly.
We think about our precious angel often and talk about him when we do.
The 18th of this month will be his 6th angelversary.

Capture Your Grief Day 13 - Book

A Silent Love by Adrienne Ryan. This is a beautiful book of other mother's experiences in loss. It was very helpful. I purchased it off of Amazon.com.

Capture Your Grief Day 12 - Article

 This was a blog I read not long after my loss. It is Bring The Rain.

It is a wonderful blog.

Capture Your Grief Day 11 - Triggers

 I had issues with Baby Showers and Baby Boys when I initially went through my loss. This one is my main trigger now.

Capture Your Grief Day 10 - Beliefs

I believe that Jesus died on the cross for our sins & will be returning one day soon to retrieve His people. 

I believe that when a small child passes, they are received in heaven. One day I will be reunited with my sweet angel baby. 

Matthew 19:14 Jesus said, Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.

Capture Your Grief Day 9 - Music

 I do believe music soothes the soul & brings joy to the heart. The lyrics speak for me perfectly that is why I chose it. Since my baby was stillborn, he never saw my face.

Capture Your Grief Day 8 - Color

Blue is the color I associate with my baby boy, Nehemiah. Blue is a masculine color & the color most associated with having a boy. The sky is clear this morning & the most beautiful color of blue.

Capture Your Grief Day 7 - You Now

This is me my rainbow baby. I know Nehemiah picked him out especially for us.

I have come a long way in my 6 years on this walk. 

I am happy and blessed, even though I know a piece of my heart is missing. 

Capture Your Grief Day 6 - Ritual

1Thessalonians 5:17-18

Since my loss I have found that I pray more than I had in my lifetime. My relationship with God is stronger and I thank Him daily for my sweet angel Nehemiah.

Capture Your Grief Day 5 - Memory

At my 12 week appointment we could not find a heartbeat, so I was sent for a sonogram. 

This is my favorite memory because he was moving around and waving at us. 
Little did we know we would only have 8 weeks left with him. 

Capture Your Grief Day 4 - Strength

Nehemiah's legacy is our strength. 

Our journey has been rough, but it has only made us stronger.

Captue Your Grief Day 3 - Myth

One of the myths I heard after our loss is "Time will heal your heart".

Once something has been broken or torn apart, it can never be completely whole again.

The bandaid represents how we hold it together, but how easy it can come apart again.

Capture Your Grief Day 2 - Identity

When I was a young teenager I was reading my bible and started reading the book of Nehemiah. He was so strong and hardworking and had a love for God. I just knew from that moment I was going to name my future son Nehemiah. I have always liked the name Christopher, so I just put the two together.

When I saw my precious son for the first time, he was absolutley perfect! He was fully developed from his head to his toes. He had beautiful lips and the cutest little ears and nose. I breaks my heart that no sound ever passed those beautiful lips and his eyes never saw my face while he was here on earth, but I know he makes beautiful sounds in heaven singing with the angels. and warms my heart that his first sight was of Jesus recieving him.

Nehemiah means: Comforted by God. How fitting that I would be drawn to this name reading my bible and picking it out for my future son. God knew I would have a stillborn baby and He lead me to this name.  

Capture Your Grief Day 1 - Sunrise

Sunrises are a reminder from God that we are alive and blessed with another day!

Blog Slacker

I am such a blog slacker! I have not written anything on here in months and lots has happened.

I just realized today that we only have 1 day left of September and then we begin October. October is a busy month for our family. 

Our local hospital will be hosting Walk to Remember on Saturday, October 5th at Memorial Park; October 15th is the World Wide Candle Light Vigil; October 18th we celebrate/remember our sweet angel, Nehemiah, for our 6th year in a row; October 21st my sweet girl, Andrea, turns 16. 

I plan on posting in my blog the Capture Your Grief Challenge that I did last year.  I had so much fun and it was actually therapeutic. "It doesn’t matter whether you are only a week into this walk or you have been walking this road for 50 years, all are welcome to join in."

Andrea had foot surgery almost 2 weeks ago to remove a cyst. However, there was nothing there when the doctor opened her foot up. Is she healed? Even the doctor does not know. We will have to wait and see.

Three weeks ago JD and I have began going to church together on Wednesday night to hear the book of Job. He is really excited about going and I pray everyday he continues in his excitement. We have tried doing things together this past year only to let Satan intervene and then we end up quitting. He says once Crispin is willing to stay in the nursery he will attend Sunday morning with the girls and I. 

Last weekend was Pure Rebellion out our church. This is the most radical event I have ever attended. I highly recommend everyone attend this if it is ever in your area. There were a few skits and one I recorded and put up on YouTube. This event is not just for youth, I was touched by the testimonies that were given that night.

I pray for blessings upon you all as I end this post this evening. 

Prayer Flag ~ 2013

There is a lovely lady name Carly Marie, who like myself, is a mom of an angel named Christian. She writes names in the sand on the beach in Australia and she also started August 19th International Day of Hope. You can read more here about the event, as well as Christian's story.

This year I decided to participate by making a prayer flag to hang up somewhere special on August 19th.

Here is a little story behind what I chose to do for my theme for my prayer flag:

When I first started telling my co-workers that I was pregnant, a dear lady I work with bought me a blue and white stripped onesie, as well as a card to indicate what she believed I was carrying. 

Unfortunately, we never got to use the onesie on our sweet baby. So, I thought what better way to honor my baby then to use the special onesie for the base for my prayer flag.

The open heart represents my heart. 

The angel inside represents Nehemiah.

 The sparrow represents freedom.

My sweet angel is free from a world of hate and destruction.

Of course I had to put his name and birth date.

The stars represent lights of hope. Hope that one day I will be with 

my sweet baby and Jesus in Heaven.

The finished product!

Next year I plan to make another one and invite my family to help or make their own. I self taught myself to hand-stitch and all of the letters, the outline of the bird and the heart are all my handy work. The "N" is an iron-on that I stitched on with the buttons. I think I did a pretty good job. :) 

 

Grief That is Everlasting

Love is Made
Pregnancy Test Taken
Positive Results
Announcements Made
Congratulations Received
Sonograms Had
Pokes & Sticks
Excitement Setting In
Due Date is Set
Gender Revealed
Name Picked Out
Nursery Painted
Bed Put Together
Baby Shower Invites
Friends to Celebrate
Gifts Opened
Oo's & Ah's
One Last Final Checkup
No Heartbeat
Tears Begin to Fall
News Begins to Spread
Delivery of a Still Soul
Funeral Plans Made
Laying Baby to Rest
Balloons Taking Flight
Sadness Sets In
A Life Has Ended
The World Keeps Turning
Grief That is Everlasting

                                           In Memory of LBS 7/02/2013




"He will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces." Isaiah 25:8

Slacking, Running, and Other Things

I have seriously been slacking on the blog-front this year. And this post is almost 2 weeks late....But here goes!


We just finished up our 5th March for Babies season. It was a whopper of a go-around!

We sold 9 whole boxes of chocolates!
We made $90.00 at our Bake Sale! :(
We raised $1,526.00! :)
We had THE coolest t-shirts ever!
We had 21 walkers!

And.......my dad and I ran our first 5k in 46 minutes!

Dad and I have been training since the first week of January. Honestly, I never thought I would be ready, nor would I finish the race if I started. But I did! My "coach" dad and my good friend Crystal ran along side me, pushing me to keep going when all I wanted to do was walk...which I did do some of that. 

We had an absolute blast!

There was one down side to our walk though....the stomach bug had hit our household the week of the walk and my dear husband woke sick early in the morning the day of the walk. So, he was not there to congratulate us as the finish line; however, he always has next year.

Here are a few pictures from our day:

                                          Dad, Crystal and Myself at the End

                                                           Go Dad!

                                              Myself and Nehemiah's Bear

                              This little fellow showed up after we completed our run..
                                             Sent from Heaven Above!

 

 The Back of Our Cool Shirts!

 

My Children and Myself

                                                   The Awesome Supporters!