Telling My Story

Well, I have not really written much about myself or my family on here. I was going to just post bible verses & my favorite song lyrics & such. However, I have been following a few blogs that have really been pulling at my heartstrings & decided, I am going to share some feelings & really blog more.

I am no one special. I have not saved anyone from a burning building, I have not rescued someone from drowning or kept someone from killing their self, but I am a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a cousin, an aunt & a friend. I want to be someone who can help the hurting & the weak. To be an inspiration to someone.

Where to begin, I grew up here in Texas, never really traveled the world, only going as far as Arkansas (not complaining). I do not have lots of money, but I am the richest woman in the world. I have 2 beautiful daughters, Andrea & Makaila; a son in heaven, we named Nehemiah; a wonderful husband, JD; 2 awesome parents, Joe & Sherry; an older brother, Michael, (who, in my eyes is the "wind beneath my wings", he truly inspires me to be the best); a younger brother, Bo, (who I would say is one of my best friends) & 2 sisters, Samantha & Stephanie, who have chosen not to be in our lives (a whole other blog at a whole other time). Among my siblings, I have 7 nephews & 2 nieces.

JD & I are no where near the perfect couple, but I must say we are working on it. I was 18 & he was 17 & seniors in high school when we got pregnant with Andrea. We had no idea what we were doing. But we had our parents' support (after the initial shock & disappointment wore off) to help us. I lived with my parents & JD lived with his until we were ready to move into the real world together (many months later). We had many ups & downs starting out so young. I was also not ready to marry him just because we were expecting a baby; however, he acted ready, he wasn't.

My pregnancy was awesome, for a dumb teenager, except I gained 53lbs & ate everything! My older brother kept telling me I was not going to have her on my due date (October 8th), but on his birthday on October 21st instead. Well, I woke up on Monday, October 20th with slight cramping & some bleeding, but Andrea did not want to be born, so 17 1/2 hours later I had a c-section; @ 12:07am on Tuesday, October 21, 1997 she was here, weighing in @ 7lbs 11 1/2 oz. Hmmmm, maybe my brother knows something we don't. HA!

Except, earlier that day he bought me a cheese pizza (while I was in labor) because I was begging for one. My mom kept telling me no because I would throw up (well, I guess she was right). He also drove me to the hospital (both times), but would not run any of the red lights I begged him to run on our 2nd trip. I am sure glad he was there though.

We finally decided to get married on October 20, 2001 (why we chose the day before Andrea's birthday is beyond me). We were married by Bo's best friend, in my aunt's den with our family & closest friends.

We were 23 & 22 when we decided to try again. It took us 6 months to conceived, but this pregnancy, as before, was uneventful, except the fact that I kept losing weight & my doctor wanted me to gain weight (I was not as skinny as I was the 1st time, so I did not see the point) & I was too tired to eat, but slept ALL the time.

I only went 2 days over my due date of February 28th. Monday, March 3, 2003, my water broke at home while I was whining I did not want to go to work to hear "you look ready to pop" & "can I touch your belly" & "aren't you due yet!" I was going to try for a Vbac (vaginal delivery after c-section), but the baby had other plans. I was only at the hospital for an hour before I was whisked away to have an EMERGENCY C-section. I had to move myself to the operating table, only to turn on my side to see the fetal heart monitor going down from 62...61...60, I was dry shaven & knocked completely out only to wake up feeling like I had been cut in half & left to die. Makaila was born @ 9:35am, weighing in @ 7lbs 3oz.

Not ready to quit, we wanted to try for a third. This time hoping for a boy. We were 28 & 27 when we decided this. Many times going back & forth, because JD had watched a documentary about multiple c-sections & the risks & statistics of death & blah, blah, blah. Oh, where was I, so we decided to get started. It only took us three months before I knew it, I was pregnant. This pregnancy was actually eventful. Before every appointment I had nightmares that they were going to tell me my baby was dead. But the first appointment was good, weighing, peeing, talking, writing out my medical history, signing insurance documents. 2 weeks later I had my 1st sonogram & saw the little heartbeat. My next appointment (12 weeks) they could not find a heartbeat w/the Doppler & I was sent across the street to do an ultrasound. There the little bugger was, moving around so much the tech said that is why we could not hear the heart beat (I wish I had asked him if a DVD recording would have been possible). My next appointment (16 weeks) went great too & I was already feeling movement (way earlier than my other two).

But at 20 weeks, I was on to the heartbreak of my life! It was Wednesday, October 17th & I had not had my usual nightmare, but I knew I had not been feeling any movement for at least a week. They did the Doppler first. My nurse just asked me "do you have any other children?".......WTH!?!?! They sent me downstairs this time for an ultrasound. We waited FOREVER!!!! But as soon as she put the scanner on my belly & turned on the monitor, I knew! My baby was just laying there in the fetal position, NO heartbeat!! She turned off the monitor & told us she had to get the doctor. I started crying & JD did not know anything, he just asked me what was wrong......I could not look at him as I said "the baby is dead". He instantly broke down. They said the baby had been gone about 1 1/2 weeks. Next, we went back to the exam room to talk about our "options". The baby was big enough to be delivered, but too small to do a c-section. They could induce as early as the next day or wait until Monday. Andrea's birthday was that Sunday & there was no way I was going to have a birthday & family w/my baby dead inside of me, so we opted to deliver the next day.

They started the induction at 11:30 & I delivered a son @ 9:41pm on Thursday, October 18, 2007. The placenta did not want to come out all in one piece so I had to be put under to have a D&C. They almost could not get the bleeding stopped; it was explained to me later that there are three steps to get the bleeding to stop before a hysterectomy & I was at the third step, by the grace of God, they stopped it with a shot in my arm.

@ 4:30am they brought my son in to me in a beautiful white basket & he was wrapped in a green blanket. I was scared to pick him up, so the nurse unwrapped him & I just touched him & stared at him. JD looked at him, but he could not touch him. He was perfectly formed & so beautiful. My nurse was awesome! I wish I would have had her hand him to me to hold. Unfortunately, we did not have a funeral (I wish we had had him cremated) & the hospital dropped the ball so there was no autopsy. We will never know why he died & I hope the hospital did not throw him out with the trash. We have a special place in our garden with his stepping stone , an angel statue & a statue of a hand w/a baby in it.

I love my girls, but sometimes I just want my son back, even if just for a moment. I do not even know if we will ever try for another baby, but for now I find peace & comfort knowing that one day we will all be together in Heaven. I know Jesus is caring for my baby until I get there. We do not know if we will ever try again. This has broken us down to our lowest point, but also brought us closer together. Satan will not win!

That is all I have to share for now, but I do plan to do this more often. But for now, I wish you well & may God bless you every morning by waking you up w/the beautiful sun shine on your face & breath in your mouth.