Capture Your Grief Day 22 - Words

Words - I had decided to name my son Nehemiah after the man in the bible. I had never paid attention to the verse in the picture until I had lost my baby. The name Nehemiah also means: comforted by God. Seems so fitting. I love this scripture because I know one day God will wipe away every tear and make all things right again. I faith that I will see my precious baby at that time.

Nehemiah - Story of a Name

When I was 16 years old I had started going back to church with my uncle and his family.
I was read my bible and notes daily. I remember one day when I read the book of Nehemiah.

At that moment I decided I really loved the name. The name belonged to strong, hardworking man of the bible. From that day on I knew that name was going to be the name of my first born son. 

Fast forward two years later, I am pregnant with my first child. I had already told JD that I had a boy name picked out if it so happened we would have a boy. Well, God blessed us with a beautiful little girl instead.

Now fast forward 12 more years, I am pregnant with my third child. I had a feeling in my heart that it was to be a boy and reminded JD of the name I had picked out. Not knowing that pregnancy was not going to end well.

A few days after delivering my stillborn baby boy, Nehemiah, I was reading my bible. I went to the book of Nehemiah again and was skimming through when I noticed the verse that in chapter 8 verse 10 that reads:

"Then he said to them, “Go your way, eat the fat, drink the sweet, and send portions to those for whom nothing is prepared; for this day is holy to our Lord. Do not sorrow, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” 

The Hebrew meaning of Nehemiah is: "Comforted by Yahweh"

This afternoon I was looking through the add for the LifeWay Christian Store and in the add is a book called "The Living Room Series NEHEMIAH a heart that can break" by Kelly Minter. This is how the description of the book read:

"Nehemiah is a call to let God break your heart for a hurting lost world and move you to lead people to Christ. Nehemiah the man was so broken-hearted for those in need that he gave up the comforts of his Persian palace to meet their needs. This Bible study features video sessions, solid teaching of the Bible, music selections, and a relational approach you'll love."

It amazes me how many things we have read, seen, heard and spoken in our lifetime that we never really paid attention to. I feel like I made the right choice in selecting Nehemiah's name. That it was meant to be for me to be broken-hearted so that I may be able to get closer to God. That this little baby I was never meant to hold here on earth, would build me up to be a better person. Wow!

I love you my precious baby. Sleep tight in Jesus' loving arms.

Happy 3rd Angelversary!

It was rather draining this year for some reason. I do not want my son to feel I have forgotten him just because we are expecting another baby boy.

This year we went to the park next to our apartment & released balloons.
Here are a few pictures to share:

Love of Our Father

It is difficult to lose a baby at any age or gestation. As a mother of an angel, I have felt like a failure. I would never wish anything like this on anyone no matter what. At times I have felt like it should be up to me who gets to have a baby when I am judging someone who I deem "unfit". But it really is not up to any one of us.

I do not feel like God gives us something just to take it away. He is not like our older brother who would say, "You want a bite of this delicious candy bar?" Just so when we say yes, he stuffs it all into his big fat mouth. I believe He decides that we may not be ready for what we are about to receive or He feels like we are not going to be able to handle that specific task & so He takes it back to give us something else.

It is like this saying, "When God takes something from your grasp, He is not punishing you...but merely opening your hands to receive something better".

Now at the time of any loss we are not thinking, "Oh thank You so much God, just can't wait to see what You are going to give me in return!" No, we are questioning ourselves, God, human nature, people around us, loved ones. Questioning every move we made to trick our minds into believing it was something we did & should be punished for.

When we lost our son I begged for 6 months to pass. Thinking in 6 months I would be over this hurt & my heart would not feel like it was going to explode in my chest every time I thought about what I lost. However, 6 months did not make me feel better. We fool ourselves that is what we do.

I never turned my back on God, I actually found myself crying out to Him even more than I had in a long long time. I looked up every bible verse I could find to help me in my pain. A few off the top of my head that helped were:
Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted & binds up their wounds
Matthew 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted
Nehemiah 8:10 Do not sorrow for the joy of the Lord is your strength
I read a lot of books too that I found comfort in.
Free to Grieve by Maureen Rank; she references the bible in this book.
Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg; she includes a journal section after each story which let you jot down questions or feelings.
A Silent Love by Adrienne Ryan; (this one is my favorite one) she not only talks about her losses, but she retells personal stories from other women, even her husband & parents partake.Music helped as you can see reading through my past posts. I love music anyway, but to have special songs when you are experiencing certain trials in your life is always helpful. Songs to cheer you up, songs when you are happy, songs when you are mad or songs to have fun!
The love of our Father is everlasting. We should trust in Him always. So if you are going through something right now that seems like there is no end in sight, remember God will never give you more than you can handle & as what my all wise brother would say "& this too shall pass".


"His favor is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

Thought for Today...

No one ever expects to lose a child. I know I did not walk around thinking my babies would ever die during pregnancy. Never had the thought to reach into the crib or bassinet and feel if they were still breathing.

But when you do lose something as precious as a child, a part of you dies as well. It is an unbearable pain. One that will have you worrying about your other children.

I use to be jealous of the mothers who had a baby born alive and had their moment together. I just wish for one moment with Nehemiah alive and looking into my face. Smiling at me with his toothless grin. But then I am thankful that he was already gone when I delivered him, because I do not think I could have handled burying a baby whom I got to nurse or take him to meet his sisters and family before the Lord took them. I am thankful that I got to carry him, feel him moving and see him move on the sonogram machine.

I just wish one day no one would ever have to feel that pain of losing a child. We are not suppose to out live our children.

Now that I have experienced this kind of loss, I dread my children learning how to drive or going to parties. What if they are hit by a drunk driver or what if they are the drunk drive who hits someone and takes someone else's child? I dread my children leaving my sight, even for a moment. What if someone takes them & I find them in a shallow grave or they are hurt in the most horrible way?

I have faith though that the Lord is & will always take care of my children no matter what. I also have faith that my parenting will pay off and they won't be hurt.We have to continue to not think about the bad things that could happen. We have to continue to go on just like we did before the pain hit us in the gut so hard we could not catch our breaths in the fear that our heart would stop beating at any moment from being broken.

The next post and the one for tomorrow, that are actually lyrics to songs, sum up some of the way I feel every day.

I love you precious son! One day we will meet again and I will get to hold you in my arms.


"Do not sorrow for the joy of the Lord is your strength" Nehemiah 8:10