Check Up

Wednesday I had my monthly checkup. It went well. The little beaner did not want to be still so we can hear a heartbeat. The nurse would get a read & then the little beaner would move. One time beaner even kicked the Doppler, like to say, "Hey, get that off of me!".

Every appointment we have with the doctor, we hold our breaths until we hear that sweet washing machine sound. I even think my doctor holds her breath along with us. Not too sure when my next sonogram will be, but we have another appointment in 3 weeks. I am sure we will know by then when our next sonogram will be. This Tuesday we will be 18 weeks along, by our next appointment we will be 21 weeks. As soon as I reach that 20 week mark with this little baby still kicking & thriving, I will be able to breathe deeply.

JD & I discuss this often. Both of us scared to be too excited, even though we want so much to be. We understand all too well that no life is guaranteed, no pregnancy is guaranteed to have a happy ending. We may not be able to breathe deeply until we have this little baby put into our arms after taking his/her first breath.

So, for now I will continue to give the glory to God for giving me this little life to carry, nurture & care for until the day he/she makes the great grand entrance into the world.

Grief & Coping

Anytime we lose someone close to us it can be devastating. It can feel like your heart is going to stop beating at a moments notice & you will just crumple into a ball & die yourself.

To "stop" the pain we find things to make us "feel" better. There are some who engross themselves in work, sports, drugs, alcohol, sex; anything to get their mind off of the fact that they will never be able to see that person or talk to that person again. Sometimes forgetting that the world has not stopped just because a life has. Even forgetting those around us who may be in the same pain we are or are there to help. Marriages fall apart from lack of communication. One wants to talk about it, the other wants to move on from it. Siblings can have a falling out if one wants to remember a parent one way & the other one wants to remember them another.

When actually we need to stop, face the pain & let it all out. It does take time & the pain does not stop overnight just because you want it to. Communication is key.

There are 5 stages of grief. The stages do not come in any particular order. The stage may occur more than once. One stage may last longer than the others or you may even experience more than one stage at a time.

1. Denial-"this cannot be happening to me", not crying, not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.
2. Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back, or blaming them for leaving.
3. Bargaining-"I will be a better person if...", attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss, begging for them back.
4. Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, feeling numb, mourning loss of person as well as hopes, dreams & plans for the future, even suicidal thoughts, or thoughts of hurting someone else.
5. Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation & acceptance. You accept the loss not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that the person is gone & that it is not their fault, they did not leave you on purpose. Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort & healing.

What I have learned in my process is talking about it makes me feel better. Anytime I can share a small piece of my little man, I will. I have made a scrapbook to help. It has photos, scriptures & cards of condolences in it. A few months ago I found a Memorial Tear, designed by Kathy Bernu. It is a tear with a rose inside of it. You can hang it on a key chain, wear it on a necklace or carry it in your pocket. Also, at one of our grief sessions we got to pick out a rock to carry in our pockets & it has helped. It is like Nehemiah picked these items just for me to remember him by.

I have also turned to God a lot during my time of grief. Reading has helped me. Unfortunately for me, the only memories I have of Nehemiah are of pictures of him during sonograms, feelings of movement while I was pregnant with him & the photographs the hospital took for me. I did not get my moments with him I had prayed for or dreamed of, but I do cherish what I did have him with.

I hope if any of you are grieving right now, that you remember "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted" Matthew 5:4

Hormones, Hunger Pains, Night Sweats...

Anyone who has ever been pregnant or married to a pregnant woman knows what comes along with the whole deal.

There are those cravings that you have at midnight or crying at commercials or being hot & then cold. What about the gas & indigestion?

I do not like macaroni & cheese, I do not like milk, I do not like to eat cheese straight up; however, I have been craving mac & cheese everyday, I tried milk...it was not disgusting & I have had a hankering for Monterrey Colby Jack cheese....straight up!

Now I know I cannot eat &/or drink all of this everyday or I will be a huge cheese puff & when this baby is ready to come out I will have a chance of delivering a Chester Cheeto. How fun would that be?

I am emotional anyway, but it is about 90% worse when I am pregnant for some reason. I could cry at one thing, but turn around & laugh about something totally different. I have really done good so far, but don't think it has been easy. Especially the previews to that new movie "Charlie St. Cloud" with the hottie Zac Efron! It makes me tear up & I have not even seen the movie.

Then I am hot, then cold, then hot, then cold. It is quite funny to me when this happens. Throwing the covers off onto JD, then pulling them off of him to put them back on me, then throwing them off, then pulling them back on. Probably why I cannot stay asleep at night.

A few weeks ago I woke up at 1:00a.m. & could not go back to sleep all from dreaming about my delicious tostadas...well long story short, we all enjoyed some beef & bean tostadas with all the fixin's at 2:00a.m.! The girls were still up that night watching a movie & after our tummys were full, we went straight to bed. What a night that was! It has not happened since & hopefully it doesn't.

I should just be eating peanut butter, hot dogs & ketchup since that is probably all this baby is going to want to eat. Well, that is what his/her older sisters eat.

Pregnancy can be humorous & that is what makes it all exciting. Even though to those around us we probably work their nerves at times. We have to laugh now before the baby comes & we are too tired, cranky, hungry, stinky...well, you get the idea!

Week 14+

We are on week 14 & 5 days & all seems well & right with the world.

Still giving glory to God for the blessings in my life. Praying daily for this little miracle to stay here with us & be healthy. It is trying at times because of fear. The fear of another loss, the fear of what would come about if we lost this baby, the fear of having to feel the emptiness that comes along with the loss of a baby. However, I have accepted that I will not let fear run my life. It will not take over this pregnancy!

I have some sinus issues & I may lose a nose before long. I have one nostril that likes to run when I am without a tissue, but stops up when I am trying to sleep. I feel like cutting it off of my face. But how funny would I look then if I were to do that. JD tells me it will be all worth it in the end, so I guess I will survive.

Besides my nose being disgusting, I have felt like I can feel this baby move already. That is pretty exciting, yet scary too because I do not feel the baby all of the time so I start to panic a little. I just tell myself that I am not far enough along yet & to enjoy it when I feel the movements.

.................................

I am sorry, but I am going to break in here & ask you all who read my blog to pray for a few people today.

My grandma was admitted to the hospital over the start of the weekend for anemia & has had to receive at least 3 pints of blood since I last spoke with my dad. Not too sure what else they have determined, but just pray that the doctors listen to God for the best treatment. I hope to know more later.

Also, a small family in Dallas that my brother & his family know need prayers for healing & understanding. The wife went in for a DNC only to have it go badly. It seems she has lost 95% of her small intestines, but seems to be physically healing. Just pray for her continued healing & for comfort with their loss as well.

If I can pray for you, please let me know.



"Give ear to my words, O Lord, Consider my my meditation. Give heed to the voice of my cry, My King & my God, For to You I will pray." Psalm 5:1-2

Love of Our Father

It is difficult to lose a baby at any age or gestation. As a mother of an angel, I have felt like a failure. I would never wish anything like this on anyone no matter what. At times I have felt like it should be up to me who gets to have a baby when I am judging someone who I deem "unfit". But it really is not up to any one of us.

I do not feel like God gives us something just to take it away. He is not like our older brother who would say, "You want a bite of this delicious candy bar?" Just so when we say yes, he stuffs it all into his big fat mouth. I believe He decides that we may not be ready for what we are about to receive or He feels like we are not going to be able to handle that specific task & so He takes it back to give us something else.

It is like this saying, "When God takes something from your grasp, He is not punishing you...but merely opening your hands to receive something better".

Now at the time of any loss we are not thinking, "Oh thank You so much God, just can't wait to see what You are going to give me in return!" No, we are questioning ourselves, God, human nature, people around us, loved ones. Questioning every move we made to trick our minds into believing it was something we did & should be punished for.

When we lost our son I begged for 6 months to pass. Thinking in 6 months I would be over this hurt & my heart would not feel like it was going to explode in my chest every time I thought about what I lost. However, 6 months did not make me feel better. We fool ourselves that is what we do.

I never turned my back on God, I actually found myself crying out to Him even more than I had in a long long time. I looked up every bible verse I could find to help me in my pain. A few off the top of my head that helped were:
Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted & binds up their wounds
Matthew 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted
Nehemiah 8:10 Do not sorrow for the joy of the Lord is your strength
I read a lot of books too that I found comfort in.
Free to Grieve by Maureen Rank; she references the bible in this book.
Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg; she includes a journal section after each story which let you jot down questions or feelings.
A Silent Love by Adrienne Ryan; (this one is my favorite one) she not only talks about her losses, but she retells personal stories from other women, even her husband & parents partake.Music helped as you can see reading through my past posts. I love music anyway, but to have special songs when you are experiencing certain trials in your life is always helpful. Songs to cheer you up, songs when you are happy, songs when you are mad or songs to have fun!
The love of our Father is everlasting. We should trust in Him always. So if you are going through something right now that seems like there is no end in sight, remember God will never give you more than you can handle & as what my all wise brother would say "& this too shall pass".


"His favor is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

HaPpY 4tH oF jULy

Feeling much better this weekend. Do not know if it is because we have been just laying around watching movies or just starting to feel better.

No big plans for the 4th this year. The park they set the fireworks off is just down the street, so we are hoping they will be high enough in the air to see from our parking lot or maybe the park next door.

We have a bit bigger park on the North side of town that the fireworks use to be at & you could park on the boulevard to see them. Now they moved them to a smaller park off a busy road & charge you to park inside. You would have to camp out all day to get a good spot & to get out is crazy.

The last few years we have gone out to one of our aunt's home & shot them off ourselves & cooked out, but they have moved. So here is hoping we can see them from our apartment. Our local news channel shows them on TV, but that is nothing like the real thing.

For everyone else who is venturing out to family, friends, lakes, the park, please be careful & responsible.

Thank you to the service men & women who have made great sacrifices for our country's freedom!

Everyday is a New Day...

Wow! Today I was an emotional wreck! I do not know what has come over me. Nehemiah has been heavy on my mind today. I hope this is not how the remainder of my pregnancy will be.

Before we got pregnant, JD & I had talked about whether we would feel guilty having another baby or if we will feel guilty if we ended up having another boy. This discussion has come up again now that we are pregnant. Do we feel guilty having another child to "replace" him? I do not feel in anyway we replaced Nehemiah. For one, we were not trying! The other reason, I do not feel you can ever replace anyone or anything that you have lost that is near & dear to you. This baby that I am carrying is a new baby, a different baby, even if it turns out to be another boy.

Now today I felt saddened/guilty for being so happy. I almost felt like he kept reminding me he was here so that I will not forget him while I am thinking about this baby. Then again maybe it is my subconscious reminding me, putting Nehemiah in my thoughts.

Everyday is a new day, with new feelings & new emotions. I am happy here in this moment & like I have said before, I give all the glory to God. If it were not for Him, none of us would be here today.



"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-8

Gender? We Do Not Care...

Sorry, but for everyone out there who has not asked yet, we do not care what the gender of our baby will be as long as we have a healthy, living baby.

I get a little upset when people come up to me and ask me, "are you hoping for your boy this time?" or "do you hope this is your boy?". I mean come on! I have a boy! I do not want to be rude to these people when they ask, but inside I am screaming with pain. Everyone who has asked us so far knows we lost a baby boy, so it is not like some stranger at Wal-Mart is asking.

When my husband was asked if he hopes this one is his boy, my brother-in-law chimed in, "he has a boy, they are just hoping for a healthy baby". I thought it was really cool that he thought of that. I just say it doesn't matter when they ask. One day I just feel like my pregnancy hormones might cause me to explode when someone asks.

My question really is, how should we answer?

11 Weeks & 2 Days

Today I am 11 weeks & 2 days. It is exciting to know that I have a little being growing inside of me. It is also a nervous time as well. In less than 9 weeks we will be where we were when we found out our precious Nehemiah was no longer with us.

I try not to think about that moment when it pops into my head, but how can I not. At the beginning of this pregnancy I was not nervous. I did not let the thought of losing another baby enter into my mind. JD was nervous though. I think enough for the both of us. With the weeks going by I am starting to get nervous.

I have been told that once we make it past 20 weeks we will be able to sigh with relief. I, on the other hand, do not think so. I do not think I will be able to really "sigh with relief" until the doctor pulls this baby out of my womb & announces the gender to us & I hear the little beaner cry.

When I was pregnant with my oldest daughter, the thought of losing a baby never entered my mind. I was 18 & thought I could do anything & come out smelling like roses. You know what I am talking about, I thought I knew it all. I had not even met a single person who had ever lost a baby.

When I got pregnant with my second child, a co-worker lost her baby at 20+ weeks. She was due 3 or 4 weeks before me. It was unreal that something like that would happen to someone I knew & at the time I did ask why it happened to her & not me. I was thankful everyday for the life that I was carrying inside, but I just kept the thought "it will never happen to me".

When I got pregnant with my third child, I had nightmares & bad feelings every day. Especially days I had doctor's appointments on. It was like my mind was preparing me for what was to come. Now that I have lost a baby, the thought of "it will never happen to me" has changed to, "it can happen to anyone at anytime".

I do give God all the glory every morning for letting me carry this baby one more day. I feel different about this pregnancy than I did with Nehemiah, but Nehemiah is not far from my mind. I miss him & I know that if I had not lost him, this baby would not be here either. I try not to let the anxiety overcome me. I know if I do, this will not end well. I believe in positive thinking.

This is the message my sister-in-law sent me, it is the most encouraging message I have received so far: ' I'm of the opinion that you can think things into existence...good and bad. Give it to God and ask for the blessing of a healthy baby in His name. Matthew 21:22 says "And whatever you ask in prayer you will receive, if you have faith."'
I definitely agree with her thinking.

So on that note, we will see in a few weeks if I am able to breathe a little easier or if I am still in the same place. But for now, I will keep my positive thinking in place & praise God for this wonderful gift He has blessed us with.

Baby Update

We had our 1st trimester screening yesterday. I was super nervous the whole time we were there & they were feeding us so much information at one time & then wanted me to make the decision to what testing I would prefer. Ugh! Nerve racking!

I could not sleep the night before because I kept dreaming that this doctor was going to be a quack & in my dream she told us to terminate & then would not let us leave her office. It was so crazy!

We ended up choosing the safest & easiest testing. It is a noninvasive evaluation that combines a maternal blood screening test with an ultrasound evaluation of the fetus to identify risk for specific chromosomal abnormalities, including Down’s Syndrome Trisomy-21 & Trisomy-18. In addition to screening for these abnormalities, a portion of the test (known as the nuchal translucency) can assist in identifying other significant fetal abnormalities, such as cardiac disorders. The screening test does not detect neural tube defects. The nuchal translucency test is where they measure the fluid between the spine & the skin on the back of the neck.

I will have to go back in four weeks to have my second blood draw performed.

This little baby is very active. Kind of brought back memories of seeing Nehemiah on the screen moving around. I had a lot of emotions going on. I have not really thought anything negative about this pregnancy & have been feeling really good, but when we got there yesterday & they were feeding us all this information I really started to think about whether I really wanted to go through with it. What if they found something? What would we decide to do? What if we made the wrong choice if we had to make a choice? I know I have to give this pregnancy over to God & let Him be in control. I know in my heart everything will work out for the best.

To end on that note:

We did want to share our little beaner with you as well. It really is still rather early, but I feel like I have to share this & I feel really confident this pregnancy will end on a very good note.

JD says this baby has a "KK" head. If anyone knows my family, a few of our children have rather large heads. I like to think that means they are just special..

More to Expect...

We found out today that we go to our 1st Trimester Screening on June 28th. Really nervous about having to answer questions & being poked & prodded. I read on the Texas Tech website about this screening & it seems like a lot. Makes my heartbeat a little faster & I start feeling a little nauseous, or that could just be the pregnancy. But I know it will be worth it if it helps us to have a healthy baby in the end.

JD says he is nervous about us having another baby & I really feel good about it. I just have a really good feeling about this one. I am not saying I am not nervous at all or that I won't be nervous if I feel something out of the ordinary or perhaps as we approach the 20 week mark. With Nehemiah I had nightmares & bad feelings the entire time, like something was trying to prepare me for what was to come. It is hard to explain if you have never experienced anything like that before. It was like a premonition of sorts. I am not trying to say I am psychic or anything like that, but they do say that people know sometimes.

Makaila has been saying some really funny things. Being pregnant makes a person a little gassier & well, the other day I had to let out a little & she asked, "Mom, was that the baby?" She asked me today, "Will the baby be here next Monday?" When we tried explaining the baby will be here in January she wanted to know if that means the baby will be older than her (her birthday is in March). I am anxious to hear all the other questions she will ask as time goes on. I had read a blog when I was pregnant with her about a woman who was pregnant & had a 3 year old little boy. He would always say he wished he could climb inside to keep his baby sister company until she came out. I always got a kick out of what he had to say.

For now though, I just continue to pray for my marriage & for my children (born & unborn). For I know everything that happens is God's Will.



"You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in Your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed." Psalm 139:16

What to Expect When You're Not Expecting...

Well, a few months ago I was not sure where anything in my life was headed. I was praying every night for God's Will to come & make me a stronger woman.

My husband & I physically separated for almost 5 months, I was getting on with my life. Then, we decided to see where things would go. Finally, we decided to either "poop or get off the pot", make it work or end it!

It has only been about a month, but things are pretty good. He is willing to do whatever it takes to repair the damage he has caused, he is doing good so far. We are both frustrated he has not gotten a job.

However, not that we were expecting it to happen, actually not even trying, we have found out that we are pregnant. Mind you, we are scared out of our minds. We just got back together, we are still trying to get through the loss of our son & now we are expecting. There are so many emotions going on inside right now. I just want to share this special moment & ask that each one of you pray with us & for our little bean. To be expecting again after a stillbirth is quite scary in its self.

I got the same tech who had to deliver our bad news for us last time. She is wonderful! She had asked me if I had wanted another tech to do our sonogram. She talked to us about being nervous, took loads of pix & before we walked out of the room she had me get back up on the table for one more thing...to see if we could hear the heartbeat & guess what?!?!

WE COULD!

While she did the regular sonogram we could see our little bean moving around & a good strong heartbeat & the yolk, which helps provide for the baby for now.

We have our next appointment in July 14th. We are going to have an appointment with a fetal specialist with Texas Tech. They do testing that is performed during the 1st trimester to see if they can detect early problems. My awesome nurse will be calling me with that appointment time in a few weeks.

I am 9 weeks today & the projected due date is January 18, 2011, but since I will have to have a scheduled C-section, we are going to see if it is possible to have our little bean January 11, 2011. I know that is a ways off, but maybe it will give us some hope to put a date to see our darling.



"This is the day that God has made, rejoice & be joyful in it!" Psalm 118:24

Better Than a Hallelujah (lyrics)

by Sarah Hart, sung by Amy Grant
God loves a lullaby
In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
God loves the drunkards cry,
The soldiers plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah.

The woman holding on for life,
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what's been done,
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah
Better than a church bell ringing,
Better than a choir singing out,singing out.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

Better than a church bell ringing
better than a choir singin' loud
singin' loud
Repeat Chorus

A Mom is....

One of a kind
Born
a Beautiful Experience
Amazing
a Gift
Enough
Chief
Wonderful
Caring
a Chauffeur
Incredible
Special
Talented
a Never Ending Song

Happy Mother's Day to all you Moms!!

CHECKiNG iN & GETTiNG READY...

Wow!, I cannot believe we are already to the end of the month of February 2010. What a year this has started off to be. I am praying for better things & happiness to come my way.

I am definitely not one to be down & cry about my problems. I do have bad days though where I do not feel like getting out of bed or going to work. But if I didn't I would go crazy. I have a really good friend who brings me back up to where I need to be when I start to doubt myself or let myself get down. She does not sugarcoat anything either. LOL! I also have the grace of God to help me.

But, what is keeping me up right now is the fact that I am getting pumped about the March for Babies 2010. This is my 2nd year to be a part of this awesome organization. I have met some really great people & it feels good to know that I can help make a difference. I do not feel you had to have a preemie or a child with a genetic disorder or birth defect to be a part of the March of Dimes. You can do it for a friend or loved one, even your future grandchildren. Every little bit helps & that is what matters. These babies are what matters.

When a good friend of mine approached me to be a part of the March of Dimes, I did not feel like I belonged. I mean, my baby was not born alive or with a birth defect. I will, unfortunately, never get to know why my son did not make it into this world alive at full-term, until I meet Jesus that is. However, once I started reading the info & listening to other mother's I knew I belonged here. Hopefully one day we can prevent deaths during pregnancy & help all mothers come full-term & even know what causes birth defects that we can one day prevent them from occurring. It is a far stretch, but I believe it can happen.

So, if you are in my area & would like to walk with me & my team or perhaps you just want to donate, please visit my Team Nehemiah site & sign up or donate. All donations are tax deductible. You can even start your own team if you wish.

So, let's save us some babies!!



"Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in Your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.
How precious are Your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered!
I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, You are still with me!""
Psalm 139:14-18

Save a Place for Me... (lyrics)

by Matthew West
Don’t be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes
‘Cause everyday it’s sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world
Off your shoulders now
I’m dreaming of the day when I’m finally there with you
Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon
I have asked the questions why
But I guess the answer’s for another time
So instead I’ll pray
With every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here
So you just
Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon
And I wanna live my life
Just like you did
Make the most of my time
Just like you did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there
Until I get there
Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon

Heaven is the Face... (lyrics)

by Steven Curtis Chapman for Maria Sue Chapman
Heaven is the face of a little girl
With dark brown eyes that disappear when she smiles
Heaven is the place where she calls my name
Says, "Daddy please come play with me for awhile"
God, I know, it's all of this and so much more
But God, You know, that this is what I'm aching for
God, you know, I just can't see beyond the door
So right now Heaven is the sound of her breathing deep
Lying on my chest, falling fast asleep while I sing
And Heaven is the weight of her in my arms
Being there to keep her safe from harm while she dreams
And God, I know, it's all of this and so much more
But God, You know, that this is what I'm longing for
God, you know, I just can't see beyond the door
But in my mind's eye I can see a place
Where Your glory fills every empty space
All the cancer is gone
Every mouth is fed
And there's no one left in the orphans' bed
Every lonely heart finds their one true love
And there's no more goodbye
And no more not enough
And there's no more enemy
Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss
And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone
Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
And leads me to You
And we both run into Your arms
Oh God, I know, it's so much more than I can dream
It's far beyond anything I can conceive
So God, You know, I'm trusting You until I see
Heaven in the face of my little girl
Heaven in the face of my little girl

Thought for Today...

No one ever expects to lose a child. I know I did not walk around thinking my babies would ever die during pregnancy. Never had the thought to reach into the crib or bassinet and feel if they were still breathing.

But when you do lose something as precious as a child, a part of you dies as well. It is an unbearable pain. One that will have you worrying about your other children.

I use to be jealous of the mothers who had a baby born alive and had their moment together. I just wish for one moment with Nehemiah alive and looking into my face. Smiling at me with his toothless grin. But then I am thankful that he was already gone when I delivered him, because I do not think I could have handled burying a baby whom I got to nurse or take him to meet his sisters and family before the Lord took them. I am thankful that I got to carry him, feel him moving and see him move on the sonogram machine.

I just wish one day no one would ever have to feel that pain of losing a child. We are not suppose to out live our children.

Now that I have experienced this kind of loss, I dread my children learning how to drive or going to parties. What if they are hit by a drunk driver or what if they are the drunk drive who hits someone and takes someone else's child? I dread my children leaving my sight, even for a moment. What if someone takes them & I find them in a shallow grave or they are hurt in the most horrible way?

I have faith though that the Lord is & will always take care of my children no matter what. I also have faith that my parenting will pay off and they won't be hurt.We have to continue to not think about the bad things that could happen. We have to continue to go on just like we did before the pain hit us in the gut so hard we could not catch our breaths in the fear that our heart would stop beating at any moment from being broken.

The next post and the one for tomorrow, that are actually lyrics to songs, sum up some of the way I feel every day.

I love you precious son! One day we will meet again and I will get to hold you in my arms.


"Do not sorrow for the joy of the Lord is your strength" Nehemiah 8:10

Jesus Christ is Born

Luke 2:1-20 (NIV)

The Birth of Jesus

¹In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. ²(This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) ³And everyone went to his own town to register.

⁴So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. ⁵He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. ⁶While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, ⁷and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.

The Shepherds and the Angels

⁸And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. ⁹An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. ¹⁰But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. ¹¹Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. ¹²This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."

¹³Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,
¹⁴"Glory to God in the highest,
and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."

¹⁵When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, "Let's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about."

¹⁶So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. ¹⁷When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, ¹⁸and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. ¹⁹But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. ²⁰The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

The Night That Christ Was Born (lyrics)

(by Kirk Franklin)

Listen to the angels Rejoicing e'er so sweetly Receiving heaven's glory The night that Christ was born

Can't you see the people Coming from every nation Pleading for salvation The night that Christ was born

Oh such a wonderful savior To be born in a manger So that I can share His favor And my heart be made anew

Listen to the trumpets Shouting through the darkness Crying 'holy, holy' The night that Christ was born

Listen to the trumpets Shouting through the darkness Crying 'holy, holy' (Now Behold the Savior) The night that Christ was born

Heartbreaking.....

Update: This father & son have finally been reunited! Amen & praise to God! What an ordeal to have to go through.
..........................................................................

Originally Posted February 10, 2009
Could you imagine having (what you think is) the 'perfect' marriage & then one day your spouse leaves with your child & calls you from another country, where you were planing to meet them later for a vacation, to tell you they are not coming home & you will never see your child again? Demands you to give her a divorce & sign over parental rights? Then when your spouse remarries & dies while delivering the other man's baby, you think you will get your son back. Right? Wrong! Even after Brazil courts have awarded you your son back!

My husband & I watched David & Sean Goldman's story a few weeks ago on Dateline & could not believe how Brazil's government could help keep a son away from his father. I cried & I know JD was brought to tears. First of all the woman dying is a sign of Karma! But for the step-father to keep Sean, after he has a daughter of his own & Brazil does nothing to make him give the boy back is Ludicrous!

Please read this story & pray for this family. They have had to endure so much & it is time that Brazil returns that boy to his actual father!! Remember Elian Gonzales? We had to give him back.

Oh Holy Night (lyrics)

O holy night, the stars are brightly shining;
It is the night of our dear Savior's birth!
Long lay the world in sin and error pining,
Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth.

A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks
a new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees,
O hear the angel voices!
O night divine,
O night when Christ was born!
O night divine, O night,
O night divine!

Led by the light of Faith serenely beaming,
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.
So led by light of a star sweetly gleaming,

Here came the wise men from Orient land.
The King of Kings lay thus
in lowly manger, In all our trials
born to be our Friend!
He knows our need, To our weakness no stranger;

Behold your King!
Before the lowly bend!
Behold your King! your King!
before Him bend.

Truly He taught us to love one another;
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother
And in His name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,

Let all within us praise His holy name!

Christ is the Lord,
Oh praise His name forever,
His power and glory evermore proclaim
His power and glory
evermore proclaim.

Set Me Free (lyrics)

by Casting Crowns

It hasn't always been this way
I remember brighter days
Before the dark ones came
Stole my mind
Wrapped my soul in chains

Now I live among the dead
Fighting voices in my head
Hoping someone hears me crying in the night
And carries me away

Set me free of the chains holding me
Is anybody out there hearing me?
Set me free

Morning breaks another day
Finds me crying in the rain
All alone with my demons I am
Who is this man that comes my way?
The dark ones shriek
They scream His name
Is this the One they say will set the captives free?
Jesus, rescue me

As the God man passes by
He looks straight through my eyes
And darkness cannot hide

Do you want to be free?
Lift your chains
I hold the key
All power on Heav'n and Earth belong to me

You are free
You are free
You are free

BeTtEr LaTe ThAn NeVeR...

Here are pictures from
Nehemiah's 2nd Angelversary
Sunday, October 18, 2009!! It was a nice & windy day at Medi Park... We fed the ducks directly after we released the balloons.

Here KK writing her message of love..

Here Big Sister Drea writing her message of love..

Here I am writing my message of love....

Daddy's balloons & writing his message..

Ready to release our messages of love..

There they go...
We miss you son! Happy Birthday baby boy..

Happy Birthday/Angelversary!

Happy 2nd Birthday/Angelversary
Nehemiah Christopher Reyna!

We love you & miss you dear boy.

The four of us plan to go to Medi Park today & release balloons with messages. We will feed the ducks as well. It is hard to imagine that 2 years have gone by. During this time it has gotten easier. Not to say we are totally over this love, it is still hard to see newborn babies & to see babies at the age he would be.

I have tried picturing how he would look. When my oldest daughter Andrea was born, she had thin pink lips, hair covering her body from head to toe & the hair on her head was as black as night & thick as could be. She never lost her hair as most babies do, so it grew out nice & long. She has dark eyes, you cannot even see the pupil. She has her daddy's nose & ears (hopefully they won't get as big) & she has my smile. I have literally walked into a room & smiled & had people say, "We know who you are here for...Andrea your mom's here!". She has really long toes & fingers & she is 5'2 at 11 years old. We need to get her into playing basketball. She is really smart & talented. She may become a singer/songwriter. She use to make up the best & silliest songs. Or she could become president one day..she is bossy! Ask her cousins & her sister. She loves to talk, especially on the phone, so she may become a public speaker. Over the years we have kept a little binder for school & one question it asks is "What do you want to become when you grow up?", for the first two years she has custodian in it...lol For now she wants to be a doctor. I guess we will wait & see.

When Makaila was born, she had a full set of pink lips & she had hair from her head to her toes. Her hair was thinner & a little lighter than her sister's had been. Her hair fell out in the back & on the sides, so she had a baby mo-hawk for a while. The funny thing I remember about her hair though is when it grew back in it looked layered & it got lighter. She has golden streaks along her hairline & streaks running through it. People would stop me & ask if I had her hair cut into layers & added highlights. She has natural waves & body. This girl has the best hair ever, excluding the two cowlicks in the back that go in opposite directions, so I have to make sure & comb it wet to make sure it lays down. Her eyes are not so dark, more of a topaz color. She has her daddy's dimples. But her smile is a little different, it is radiating! Sometimes if I am mad & she smiles at me, it makes me stop being mad. She loves animals & dressing up (& going topless at the same time). Right now she is at that stage where she wants to do what sister does & sister gets rather annoyed by it. I just have to sit back & laugh as it is a little like dej a vu. She is silly & loves to be the clown. She loves to be called Beethoven & pretend to be a puppy. She is very smart as well & loves to read. She is girly yet holds her own at the same time. She is petite, where her sister has always been one of the tallest in her class, but she has a rather big head like her cousins (you know who you are..lol). She is in love with John Cena & wants to marry him one day. Or she may be the next Taylor Swift, as she knows all of the words to her songs & loves to sing.

So, when I try to imagine Nehemiah, I always wonder if he would have had his daddy's ears or nose. Would he have had a full head of hair that was dark or light. Would he have the thin layer of hair on his body & long eye lashes like his sisters do? Would his skin tone be olive like his oldest sister or a little paler like his middle sister? Would he like to sing or play football? Would he have been a mama's boy or a daddy's boy? Would he fight with his sisters or would they have babied him? Would his eyes be dark or light? I usually imagine him looking like a little JD & laughing as loud as Makaila & Andrea giving him piggyback rides.

We miss you little one & only hope we make you proud!

Love,
Mommy, Daddy, Andrea & Makaila



P.S. October 15th was Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. We went out to the candlelight vigil & I read two poems. I could not believe I had actually gotten up there to read them, but I had taken a look around the circle & that gave me the courage to do it. Originally I was going to read just one, I'll Be There, but a friend of mine had asked me to read the poem "Somebody" that I had posted earlier. I did not write either of these poems, but I love to share ones I find on the world wide web. It was a really nice night. Not too cold & the candles stayed lit. There were more people there this year than last year.

The Month of October...

Not only is October Breast Cancer Awareness Month, it is also Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. In our area they do not make a big deal about PIL as they do Breast Cancer & that makes me want to do something about it. Unfortunately we have not been able to attend any of the Group Grief Sessions as my part-time work schedule is not as flexible as I had hoped, but I plan to get with them to see how or what we can do to promote more.

October 15th is the designated day to remember our babies. Please light a candle starting at 7pm & let it burn for one hour. If we all do this it will produce a continuous wave of light.

We have a few other things planned this month as well, as this month was the month God gave us our little angel. To recap a little: October 17, 2007 was the day we got the most devastating news any parent dreads hearing & we delivered our special angel on October 18, 2007. This year the girls & I are going to donate our hair to the Locks of Love in memory of Nehemiah. We are not too sure what we will be doing on Sunday the 18th, but the four of us will be making it all about Nehemiah. I plan to send a little something in the mail to each person in my family to have as a reminder of this special baby who they never got to meet.



*Somebody

Somebody said
it was all for the best,
that something was probably wrong.

Somebody said
it was meant to be,
Different verse,
same miserable song.

Somebody said,
"You can have another!"
As if that would make it alright.

Somebody said
"It was not a real child."
Somebody's not very bright.

Somebody thinks it is helpful
To say when grieving should end.
Somebody shows their true colors.
Somebody isn't a friend.

But somebody said, "I'm sorry."
And sat quietly by my side.
And somebody shared my sorrow
And held my hand when I cried.

And somebody always listened
And called my lost baby by name.
And somebody understood
That I'd never again be the same.
~Author Unknown

bLoGgiNg iN...

Well, it has been a while since I actually wrote a post on here & thought it might be good to do a post.

Andrea is enjoying the 6th grade & will be 12 on the 21st of October. Makaila, aka Beethoven, is enjoying the 1st grade when she is not getting into trouble for making the other kids laugh. It has already been an interesting school year & it has only just begun.

I am working a part-time job right now which is really helping me clear my head, but also makes me sad to miss hearing how the girls' day went & putting them to bed. On my evening off during the week we spend the evening talking & laughing. They fill me in on everything. I'm off on Sundays which is nice too. We were spending it at the park watching softball, but the season is about over. Beethoven loves watching her daddy play "t-ball" & even asked him if he will still come watch her play "t-ball" when she gets big like him.

As of right now our marriage is complicated in so many ways. I would love to elaborate more than I have already to some, but until we work it out or separate for good, it would only make it that much more awkward/complicated. For anyone who is or has ever contemplated divorce knows what that means. You want to make your own decisions & if you blab your business to everyone then they all want to "help" & it just makes it that much more difficult to decide on your own what to do with judgments flying everywhere. I know sometimes it seems the decisions are so much easier when you are on the outside looking in, but until you are in that position you will never really know how hard it really is. You have what if's & what about's & some believe leaving & giving up would be just so easy.

We aren't two people who met in a bar last night & hooked up. We aren't two people who met online yesterday & think we are soul-mates today. We have history & it is too much history to let go. We have 14 years together & two beautiful daughters. We have been through a lot more in the last two years than people who have together 30 or 40 years together & I honestly am glad it was him who was here with me. But I am also in that place right now that if we do not work out I am okay with that. That I can say I gave it my all & I know it will be hard, but I can move on.

I have really let myself falter & I am not proud about that. I came on here & blogged about giving it up to God in May & by July we were having problems. I know this is a test & I had not been handling myself very well. However, the past couple of weeks I have been putting more & more of this back into God's hands because He is truly the only one who can help us at this point.

All I can ask for now is prayer from everyone as this month itself is going to have road bumps through out.



"Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." Eph. 5:15-20