We Just Went Home

I was just thinking 6 years ago, on this exact day, at this exact time, we were leaving the hospital with just a yellow memory box with the small mementos of ever having a baby, a vase of flowers, and my clothes.

We went home with no baby cradled in our arms. 

We went home with our hearts gaping. 

We went home with the what ifs.

We went home with the whys.

We went home to the cold realization that we would never see or know this baby.

We just went home.

To cry.

To cling to one another.

To sleep.

To an empty crib.


Six years have come and gone and I believe we are in a better place. Our arms are still a little bit empty, our hearts still gaping, the what ifs still linger, the whys are in the back of our minds, the reality has become real, we still cry, we still cling to one another, we are able to sleep and the crib has been put away.

We are filled with the gladness that one day we will be reunited with our forever baby and we will hear of the fun he had with Jesus. 


 

Grief That is Everlasting

Love is Made
Pregnancy Test Taken
Positive Results
Announcements Made
Congratulations Received
Sonograms Had
Pokes & Sticks
Excitement Setting In
Due Date is Set
Gender Revealed
Name Picked Out
Nursery Painted
Bed Put Together
Baby Shower Invites
Friends to Celebrate
Gifts Opened
Oo's & Ah's
One Last Final Checkup
No Heartbeat
Tears Begin to Fall
News Begins to Spread
Delivery of a Still Soul
Funeral Plans Made
Laying Baby to Rest
Balloons Taking Flight
Sadness Sets In
A Life Has Ended
The World Keeps Turning
Grief That is Everlasting

                                           In Memory of LBS 7/02/2013




"He will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces." Isaiah 25:8

My Shoes

I wear a pair of shoes
They are ugly shoes
Uncomfortable shoes
I hate my shoes
Each day I wear them and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step
Yet, I continue to wear them
I get funny looks wearing these shoes
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs
They never talk about my shoes
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt
No woman deserves to wear these shoes
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
~Unknown Author

She Will Never Love Another, The Way She Loved Him...

I have been thinking back to a conversation that was being held between a group of friends. I was not part of the conversation, nor was I not eavesdropping. I was actually with a person who was part of this group & taking it all in.

The conversation was about a young man who had died in an automobile accident. He left behind his parents, siblings, numerous friends & family, & a fiance.

The group was discussing how sad it was that he had not gotten to marry his fiance & how sad she must be. One person even chimed in to say that they hoped she was not being left out, since she was just the fiance.

I was daydreaming, drifting in and out of the conversation, until one man said, "At least she can still remarry".

My ears perked up, the way dogs do in movies & I listened closer as everyone else chimed in on how that was true, true, true. Then I was screaming inside of my head "I hope you did not say that to her!".

Oh, how to this day I wish I had said something. Not just anything. Not anything sarcastic. Not anything to belittle them. Just something that would have made them realize what the man had just said & what each individual had just agreed to.

It is this way with any kind of tragedy I suppose. There are those who would say:
"You can always find another partner"
"You can always have another baby"
"At least you have other siblings"
"At least you have your other parent"
"At least you have other children"

I know people mean well, one never really knows what to say to another person who is mourning. Especially one who has never experienced it first hand. I myself still do not have all of the words I wish to say to another person who is grieving the loss of a baby/child, but I do know what not to say.

So, if I could rewind time & go back to that one day, I would have to politely say, "But she will never love another, the way she loved him".

The point I am making today is, no matter how well our intentions are, think before you speak.

Unconditional Love

The love a mother has for her children,
The love a father has for his children,
The love our Father has for us, His children
This is called Unconditional Love!

I love that the Lord loves us!
I love that the Lord blessed my husband & I with the children we have!
I love the child the Lord blessed my husband & I that grows in our heart!
This is called Unconditional Love!

What a love this is!


"Let us love one another, for love comes from God.
Everyone who loves has been born of God & knows God.
Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." 1John 4:7-8

Grief is...

All engulfing
Managing
The price we pay
Healing
Good for us
More than emotion
Common
Sharing
A natural reaction
Long
Learning to live without
Heart-rending
Inevitable
Work
Part of Life
A unique challenge
Like a river
A journey
The agony
Cruel
No longer forbidden
Normal
Like a tsunami

Death is...

Milliseconds away
Not an option
Personal
An illusion
Sleep
Not dying
A mystery
Sought
Not glamorous
Real
Different
Silent
Not the end
Just the beginning
In store
Not dull
A familiar tragedy
Inevitable
Oddly life enhancing
Not the same
The road to awe

My Indian Giver

I was given a dream, a future that started planning in my mind.
I was given a miracle, a bundle of love I was supposed to have for the rest of my time.
I was given these thoughts of security and peace.
I was given the sense to feel, kicks and flutters of your tiny feet.
I was given my heart, another beat under my own.
You, my little boy, were supposed to be mine to love have and hold.
As I waited for you I got your room ready.
I picked your name and started planning.
I was getting anxious for you, waiting for your cries.
I wanted your little finger wrapped around mine.
I wanted to take the weight from my belly and have it put in my arms.
I wanted to nurse you and make you so strong.
The day I woke up and couldn't feel you move, I knew something wasn't right.
I went to get your daddy and we drove as fast as we could with nothing but you in our minds.
Thinking that when we got there we would her your heart pound,
but when we got there we heard nothing, not a flinch, not a sound.
When we saw you on the screen as still as could be,
It tore out my core out and that was when I lost me.
I could feel a piece of you leave as I screamed for someone to help.
You left me in that scream and to my knees I fell.
You were created with so much love, I thought that it was enough to make Him let you stay.
I keep replaying what I did wrong and how I could have changed that day.
I would have given my life for you, if I knew you were leaving me, if I had the chance.
I would have taken your place if only He would have asked.
I don't want to be without you and somehow I am labeled a survivor.
Hopefully God you will forgive me for calling you my Indian Giver.

Written by Nichole Cavote

Life is....

Never Guaranteed
A Blessing
Fun
Beautiful
A Highway
God Given
Big
Living
Nuts
Poetry
An Art
Good
A Dream
Not Read Only
A War
Wonderful
Colorful
A Feast
A Story
Like A Box Of Chocolates
Noise
A Zoo
Unfair
A Cartoon
Hard
What You Make It
Sweet
Short
A Ball
Eternal, if you believe Jesus Christ as your Savior! (John 3:16)

A Mom is....

One of a kind
Born
a Beautiful Experience
Amazing
a Gift
Enough
Chief
Wonderful
Caring
a Chauffeur
Incredible
Special
Talented
a Never Ending Song

Happy Mother's Day to all you Moms!!

A Dad is....

a Teacher.
Strong.
a son's first Hero.
Helpful.
a special Person.
a Coach.
the most Beautiful thing in the world.

*I truly believe a girl cannot grow into the woman she is to become without her father there to guide her. My dad has always been there for my brothers & I. He was a young dad, but I think he did an awesome job.

Thank you Dad for always being there to support me, even when you did not agree with some of my decisions & for helping me grow into the woman I have become. I love you!

P.S. 'DJ' says you are the father he never had & appreciates everything you have taught him & for not giving up on him!

My Daddy is the best dad in the world &
married to the greatest woman
God could have ever made for him...

Here are 3 of us he raised...
Now my brothers
are wonderful fathers themselves..

**My husband is another great father I must acknowledge. Tho we started out young & have had our own trials to overcome, I think we have only grown that much stronger together.

I love you sweet man & would not have asked for a better man to father my children.

Here is my honey as a 1st time dad...

& he is one special guy too!

Our beautiful children are lucky
to have you in their lives.

The Serenity Prayer.......

I know we all need to be reminded of this at times.........

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

-Reinhold Niebuhr

Trust in the Lord with all your heart & lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, & He will direct your paths. Proverbs 3, 5-6

Giving it Up to God.....

I have handful of blogs on that I just cannot help but check up on everyday.

It is like God is leading me to certain people to give & get encouraging words.

Some of the blogs I have read, the person's whole life has been completely turned upside down & inside out, but they continue to have trust & love in Christ. I think it is awesome!

I do not recall a time being mad directly at God when I lost my son. I remember being mad at myself or just the fact of not having him here with me. But I can honestly say I have not been mad at God. I am not saying I am perfect for this, because I am not. I admit I have mentioned times that it sucks & it being unfair. I have asked WHY? a thousand times. Was I not good enough, did I do something wrong, am I horrible mom to the ones I have, do I not deserve any more? But I have never cursed God nor turned my back on Him. If anything, this has actually brought me closer to Him. (Amen)

One day I was asking myself, why do we have to be so sad when someone dies? What about death makes us so sad? Why can't we be happy & joyful that they are lying in waiting for our Savior to come get them?

I praise God for giving me my little time I had to share with my son. Even though he was not breathing when he was born, he was surely alive inside my womb! I got to see him on the sonogram screen at 12 weeks moving around so much. It was like watching a fish in water!! I started feeling him move at 15+ weeks. I love those two things the most, besides when I got to see him after he was born.

Those are my memories I will hold on to for now. I know in my heart that one day Jesus is going to come back down to earth & take us all home. Then, I will get to play with my son & be with him for all eternity.

One more thing before I go, I am turning it ALL over to God, right this moment! I have believed my whole life that Jesus is my savior, but I know that I have not completely given it to Him yet. I trust Him & know He is the alpha & omega, the beginning & the end. I will walk in His path & I will let Him lead instead of me trying to lead myself & glorify You always. Jesus take my heart & make it Yours. My will is Your will. Amen

Before I go here is one thing my friend David Ramos twittered about & I wanted to share: "I always had a problem w/ the bumper sticker: Jesus Is My Co-Pilot. -He should be in total control! I dare u to try it. Give him the Wheel!"

tHiNgS tHaT tiCkLe mY fAnCY.....

The smell of the air before a storm.
Handmade cards.
Love stories.
Baby giggles.
Homemade ice cream.
X's & O's.
New rose buds.
The smell of a baby.
Listening to made up songs by little children.
Puppies.
Love letters.
Kool-aid smiles.
House full of family.
Coloring Easter eggs.
Fresh baked cookies.
Holidays.
Home cooking for my family.
Sleeping under the stars.
Sitting on the porch watching life.
Black & white photos.
My Girls!!

Drea, it had snowed the day we moved into our home,
March 14, 2005; it was Spring Break.

Drea after her 1st hair cut (May 2005).
It was to her behind.

KK, looking precious!
(2yrs. old in both pix)

A Mother is...

Born
a Guardian Angel Everyday
Something to be Loved
Worth
Truly a Blessing
Like a Queen
Something to be Honored
Irreplaceable
Something to be Treasured
The Purest Form of Love
Superior
a Life Giver
a Special Friend
Like No Other

Here is my mother @ 11months of age.

Here she is with four of her nine grandbabies!

Let me tell you a little about my mom, aka Granny.
She was born on Halloween 1958.
She met my dad in 1975 & they married May 11, 1976.
My brother Michael was born, October 21, 1976.
I soon followed on November 9, 1978.
Finally, there was Bo who was born June 17, 1980.
She is the sweetest, loving, most hardworking & supportive mother a girl could ever ask for & I know I am the luckiest woman alive to have been raised by her, along with my dad.
I would never trade her for anything!

I love you mom, thanks for giving me life & thank you God for giving me this wonderful woman I call MOM!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO MOMS EVERYWHERE!!

p.s. if you've never seen this video you need to check it out.

HoPe Is...

a waking
the thing with feathers
built
not a strategy
gone
not a plan
a choice
never lost
a good thing
a tall order
in the mechanism
spirituality
life foundation
more than wishful thinking
not for wimps
black
on the horizon
gold standard
a jewel
a stranger
alive
victory
uplifting

LiTtLe GiRls ArE.......

Wiser Than Men

Precious
Born Shoppers
in Love
Not to Be Trusted
Little Divas
Sweet
Daddy's Little Angels
Princesses
Silly
a Gift
Better at Math
Pretty
Perfect
Made of Sugar & Spice

Compassion is......

ChOicE!
BreAtHtaKinG!
UnivErSAl VaLue!
OutsHinEd bY IgNOranCe!
PoWEr!
foR thE BiRds!
TraNsfOrminG OuR WoRld!
in OuR LivES!
tHe BAsiS oF MOralIty!
LOvE!
TeNdErnEss!
thE KEy For BEttEring LivEs!
CEntRal to All REligiOns!
BeGan LiFE!
aN InSidE JoB!
Not AbOuT BecOmiNg FamOUs!
GoOd!
GenErOsiTy!
thE WaY!
tHe ExPRresSiOn oF PrActiCe ThrOUgh SeRVicE iN thE WoRld!
MorE ThaN FliNgiNg a CoIN to A BEggAr!

The World Is.....

.Flat!
..Not Enough!
...Yours!
....My Canvas!
.....Round!
......Curved!
.......Frozen!
........Rocky!
..........Mine!
..........Watching!
...........Changing!
..........Coming!
.........Your Video Game!
........Dangerous!
.......Creative!
......Ours!
.....Calling!
....Moving!
...Held Together by Duct Tape!
..Your Studio!
.Ready!

Jesus Is....

The Only WaY tO Heaven!
CoMinG!
Way CoOl!
My FRieNd!
ReAdy!
LoVE! The SoN Of GOD!
LoRD!
MaGic!
HoPe For TomORroW!
Not a RelIgioN!
thE GiFT!
My HomEbOy!
WoNDerfUL!
The LiGht of the WoRld!
AlivE!
WeEpinG!
a SoUL Man!
The CurE!
WorShipPed!
LiviNG!
The MesSiaH!
The WaY!
On OuR SidE!
HapPineSs! BoRn ArT!
LoRD of My LifE!
BetteR Than SanTa!
Not a BrAnD!
ThE ReaSOn foR EveRy SeasOn!