11 Weeks & 2 Days

Today I am 11 weeks & 2 days. It is exciting to know that I have a little being growing inside of me. It is also a nervous time as well. In less than 9 weeks we will be where we were when we found out our precious Nehemiah was no longer with us.

I try not to think about that moment when it pops into my head, but how can I not. At the beginning of this pregnancy I was not nervous. I did not let the thought of losing another baby enter into my mind. JD was nervous though. I think enough for the both of us. With the weeks going by I am starting to get nervous.

I have been told that once we make it past 20 weeks we will be able to sigh with relief. I, on the other hand, do not think so. I do not think I will be able to really "sigh with relief" until the doctor pulls this baby out of my womb & announces the gender to us & I hear the little beaner cry.

When I was pregnant with my oldest daughter, the thought of losing a baby never entered my mind. I was 18 & thought I could do anything & come out smelling like roses. You know what I am talking about, I thought I knew it all. I had not even met a single person who had ever lost a baby.

When I got pregnant with my second child, a co-worker lost her baby at 20+ weeks. She was due 3 or 4 weeks before me. It was unreal that something like that would happen to someone I knew & at the time I did ask why it happened to her & not me. I was thankful everyday for the life that I was carrying inside, but I just kept the thought "it will never happen to me".

When I got pregnant with my third child, I had nightmares & bad feelings every day. Especially days I had doctor's appointments on. It was like my mind was preparing me for what was to come. Now that I have lost a baby, the thought of "it will never happen to me" has changed to, "it can happen to anyone at anytime".

I do give God all the glory every morning for letting me carry this baby one more day. I feel different about this pregnancy than I did with Nehemiah, but Nehemiah is not far from my mind. I miss him & I know that if I had not lost him, this baby would not be here either. I try not to let the anxiety overcome me. I know if I do, this will not end well. I believe in positive thinking.

This is the message my sister-in-law sent me, it is the most encouraging message I have received so far: ' I'm of the opinion that you can think things into existence...good and bad. Give it to God and ask for the blessing of a healthy baby in His name. Matthew 21:22 says "And whatever you ask in prayer you will receive, if you have faith."'
I definitely agree with her thinking.

So on that note, we will see in a few weeks if I am able to breathe a little easier or if I am still in the same place. But for now, I will keep my positive thinking in place & praise God for this wonderful gift He has blessed us with.