Grief is Hard

I am member of a grief forum online. In this group there are mothers who have lost their children to drug overdoses, killed by drunk drivers, murdered, suicide, SIDS, during delivery, during pregnancy, etc. It gets to me a little bit reading every story & looking at every picture. I try to limit my time on there per day as it can make you a bit paranoid & depressed.

Everyone knows that there is a time & place for politics & religion & I for one, do not believe in a group setting of difference of opinion you should bring up either unless you are ready for a war. 

"Where is your GOD, while my baby was dying?" was the caption under their child's picture. I felt compelled to answer this question, as well as a few other ladies. Some answers were not what I thought of our God, some answers were right on point with what the bible says, etc. I actually had not thought this particular "discussion" was getting out of hand. Mom's were giving their two cents worth & no one was getting mad. When all of a sudden a commenter took it too far. Cursing God & actually cursing me, as well as all the other "bible beaters". I sucked in my breath & kept my composure. Not like this woman was going to listen to what I had to say anyway. The whole post was deleted eventually anyway.

I understand when parents are new in grief that it is hard. There are more questions than answers. I understand that not everyone believes in our loving God. I do not judge, it is not my place. I still pray for every parent that is living the rest of their life without their children, every day. People do not realize there is a Satan too as they are bashing God. It actually just breaks my heart.

A few posts I read just make me confused. For example, "I do not know if I believe in God, but will you pray for me anyway?" When I am thinking, if you do not believe, what would you like me to pray for exactly? or "I trusted God & believed in Him & then this happened! Why?" When I am thinking, if you ever really believed & had faith, how can you question Him?

I am sure I sounded like a few women in the forum. After I lost Nehemiah, I would get so mad when I would hear of someone else finding out they were pregnant, especially if they were not married, used drugs, did not have a job, did not take care of themselves or their existing children.

Then one day, JD told me to just snapped out of it! He was right. Who in the world put me in charge? For one I was that teenage, unwed mother & I am sure there were plenty of women who hated me. 

I am just really thankful that our God is an understanding God. We fall down, He lifts us up. We get angry with Him, He forgives. 



I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

We Are All Strong Enough

On Thursday, I went to be with my dear friend who was celebrating the 3rd birthday of her sweet Bubbas. On my way to the cemetery I was thinking about what I was going to say & if she would like my gift I had made for her & then I was starting feel really sad & thought of my poor dear friend. Right as I turned into the entry way Jeremy Camp's "There Will Be a Day" started playing on the radio.

I am not sure if everyone knows how that song goes, so I will share a few lyrics:

I can’t wait until that day where the very one I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery this is why this is why I sing….

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face

Well, she loved my gift, of course!! We hugged & talked. She has some very sweet nieces & nephew & her sister-in-love with her. She had white balloons to release. Of course I still had the sharpies in my purse from Nehemiah's balloon release, so I had to get those out. A couple more of her sweet friends showed up & we let the balloons go. It was cold & a little windy, but it was still very nice. Compared to the weather from the day before, this day was perfect.

As I was heading to the exit of the cemetery, I looked back & saw my dear friend sit down in front of her son. My heart broke just a little more for her & I wanted to go back, but I told myself she has to have some alone time with her sweet angel.

As soon as I made up my mind to leave another song came on the radio. This one being by Matthew West called "Strong Enough". Here are a few lyrics:You must You must think I'm strong To give me what I'm going through

Well, forgive me Forgive me if I'm wrong But this looks like more than I can do On my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough For the both of us

Both of these songs coming on let me know that God was listening to my heart & these particular songs were played for me personally at those moments.

Today, I am thankful for my life lessons that are brought to me by the loss of my sweet angel Nehemiah Christopher Reyna. I would never have met the people I have or be able to help people who are grieving the loss of a child if I had not lost my own.

To close, here are just a few pictures I would like to share.

This is the wreath I made my dear friend.
The blue airplane has wings painted on the wings that you can't see at this angle.

There go our balloons!

My candle burning brightly.

"I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me". Philippians 4:13