Well, we got a letter in the mail Friday telling us our meetings at The Hope & Healing Place will begin again on Thursday, March 5th. I am very excited!
According to our previous e-mail there are 3 new people & a dad (not sure if he is included in the 3 or if he makes 4). Either way, Praise to God that we are reaching more people who are hurting after a pregnancy or infant loss. We started w/6 the first week & it dwindled down to just 4 (JD included) by the third week.
It does make me nervous though to begin again with new people. Only because you do not know what to expect. Our first time was so intense that I cried the whole time & did not say anything. Everyone who shared their story made me cry that much more. One of the other ladies did not share her story & never came back. I still pray for her to find peace & hopefully she will return to share her story w/someone.
It is nice to be able to share your own personal struggles w/someone who knows first hand what you are experiencing. It also feels good to just have someone listen. I have so much compassion for the ladies who shared their stories with us last time. We should be able to grieve & it helps that we have somewhere to go.
I will keep you informed on our little group. I cannot tell you anyone's name, but I can share my experience.
After losing a child (or any loved one) you always think, what is the lesson here? What could God have brought to us through this hurt & pain for? What is His reason everyone keeps telling us about? I think we have found ours. Well, let me back up a bit. After JD & I lost our son we were devastated. We both grieved differently. Me, outward; him, inward. At first I cried & cried & cried. JD was wonderful & supportive. But soon I felt like I was burdening him with my crying, so I stopped & started keeping a journal. However, his inward struggle was far worse than anyone could see. He started having chest pains & could not sleep. He hurt is back & slept on the couch for about two months. He never told his doctor what we had been through, so his doctor just put him on blood pressure medication & a couple of other meds. I wanted to talk about our loss, he didn't. We started drifting away from each other. On a couple of occasions he would just go off on me & a few hours later act like nothing ever happened. It got to where he would not even remember what he had said to me. One evening he poured syrup on my head (funny now, but not at the time) & after I got into the shower he asked me why I was taking a shower so early for. When it could not get any worse, he told me he wanted out. He could not do it anymore, he had lost his "passion". He did not want to learn the guitar, he did not want to go to church, he did not want to play softball (which is his life) & he did not want to be with me. I was devastated yet again. First I lose my son & now I am going to lose my husband. How does that happen? Long story short, my dad observed a certain day with JD & decided I needed to call his doctor & talk to them about his medication; call his brother & talk to him about possible depression & get him in to see someone. First step, we went to his doctor, after talking with the doctor JD tells him he does not want any antidepressants. What does the doctor do? Put him on "anti-anxiety" medication; a very low dose he tells JD. Next step, to a therapist, who informs JD he is definitely depressed after a series of questions. Then, the doctor tells JD that he is actually on an antidepressant & not anti-anxiety medication. We go see him four times & he helps us along on our journey. We move back in together & decide we need to help other people in the same shape we are in. I had looked into some help earlier with no avail. So, we put our minds together & came up with an idea to start a support group; however, before we could get it started, we get a call from The Hope & Healing Place. I had been there earlier to get counseling without JD & they had some other women who have lost babies & needed support, so would we be interested in coming in & maybe in the future help them out with other couples? WHAT A GOD SEND!?!?! Our first group consisted of JD & myself, along with four other women & our wonderful Group Leader & her assistant. Unfortunately one the women only came to our very first night & we had one who only came two nights. Hopefully, they will come around again. But our first night was so intense. I did not talk at all. I thought I would just talk & talk & talk, but I cried the entire time. & JD, the one who lost his "passion", talked & talked & talked. He was the first one to talk too! He has not gotten all of his passions back, but we are so much closer than ever. Actually, since Nehemiah's first angelversary we have truly began healing properly. October was an intense month for the both of us. There are two other remembrances in October (4th-Walk to Remember & 15th-Candle Light Vigil) & we just did too much last year with it being our first year. Hopefully it will not always be that intense. Anyway, we are hopefully going to start up again. Our Group Leader has informed us that she has three other couples & one dad who is interested in coming. I pray that we are able to reach as many people who need us. Like I said, I could not find anything to meet our needs, but God has brought us all together through our pain to help others in pain.
The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart,
And saves such as have a contrite spirit. Psalm 34:18
I have struggles, just as many of you out there. I try to look up to God & pray to Him when I am in my darkest hour. I still try to remember to say my morning & evening prayers everyday, along w/my noon ones when I hear of a struggling family, child or a loss of a loved one. My biggest struggle is the loss of my son. Seeing other mothers w/their babies sometimes brings tears to my eyes. I love children & since I was a little girl I had always wanted lots of babies.
I miss my son & what could have been. Nehemiah was due to be born March 8, 2008, but I would have had a scheduled c-section due to my previous two, so he would have come the last week of February.
When other women are pregnant I try to be happy for them, but when they say they weren't trying or didn't want kids it stings. Especially women who do not take care of themselves &/or they already have children they do not care for, it really hurts. I know I have no right to say who should have children & who should not & I try not to judge, but I am human & the green eyed jealous monster comes out & I think the worst.
I do wonder who would he look like & what would he grow up to be?
Would he have been mommy's little boy?
When everyone around is holding their baby w/out a care when I lost mine & will never get to hold him on earth I want to tell them so they know.
I want my son to spend holidays w/& get to celebrate his firsts & I want to hold him while he sleeps & smell his baby breath.
I want to be able to complain about no sleep & smelling like spit up & laugh at him making baby sounds & funny faces while he sleeps.
I know one day in heaven I will get to see my smiling boy & do all the things I am missing out on now. I just want it now!
When I am having a moment, I try to keep it to myself so I don't bring everyone else down around me. Which half of the time, they do not seem to notice me there anyways. They go on about their business & I still hurt. Waiting for some words of comfort or support, maybe a hug. There are people in my own family who have not said anything to me since my loss. I can tell when I am making someone uncomfortable when I bring it up & when people ask me if I will ever try for a third child or for a son. That is always awkward, more for them than for me. I get that look though when I tell them & that makes me feel awkward. I know that not everyone has been through this experience and it is easier to just ignore it, because what can you "REALLY" say to make things better? I do have advice for people who know someone who has lost a baby, HUG THEM!! Tell them you love them!! & ask them if they want to just talk about it. That is what I would like people to do for me. THAT WOULD BE THE NICEST THING EVER!!
I know some people they wonder "when will they get over it?" "when will they just move on?"...well, I cannot answer those questions for you. We take it one day at a time. If we are to get pregnant it will be by the grace of God, as we are not trying at the moment.
But for now I will meet you in my dreams Nehemiah & we will play patty cake & smile at each other until I can be where you are.
