What Heals Your Heart ~ October 5th

Here is my first journal I kept after my loss.

Yes, that is Hello Kitty.

I had the worst nightmares ever that the first thing I thought was "I have to write these feelings down to get them out of my head". That book was just lying tehre so I started it. Then I found a pad of paper after I filled the book up (that is what's underneath the book). I also wrote because I was afraid I would forget something.

I have only read parts of the book one time since writing in it, that was when I wrote inserts on my blog for Nehemiah's 5th Angelversary.

I believe it has helped in my healing process.

5th Angelversary Celebration

 Angel of My Tears
How do you love a person who never go to be, 
or try to envision a face you never got to see?
How do you mourn the death of one who never got to live,
When there's nothing to feel good about and nothing to forgive?
I love you, my little baby, my companion of the night.
Wandering through my lonely hours beautiful and bright.
What does it mean to die before you were ever born, 
to live the lovely night of life and never see the dawn?
Ah! My little baby, you lived like anyone!
Life's a burst of joy and pain.
And then like yours, it's done.
I love you, my little baby, just as if you'd lived for years.
No more, no less, I think of you,
the Angel of My Tears.
~Author Unknown

It was slightly chilly, but not too bad. We did not get to do balloons this year because everyone is out of helium. We liked the sparklers though and glad we decided to them!
Papa was sick, so he did not get to attend and Makaila is missing in the pictures because she was more involved with the dogs that our cousins brought..lol

 Our night was wonderful. We lit sparklers and let our light shine...

 Uncle Bo lighting his fires...

 Grandma Becky letting her light shine... 

  Cousin Jessica joined us along with Baby Ezra...

 

 Big sister letting her light shine...

 

 It looks like cousin DJ is letting his face burn, but he didn't...lol...  

   Granny's light was shining...

Your Baby brother letting his light shine...

We ended our gathering with this precious poem...

Precious Little One
I'm just a precious little one who didn't make it there.
I went straight to be with Jesus, but I'm waiting for you here.
Many dwelling here where I live, waited years to enter in.
Struggled through a world of sorrow, a world marred with pain and sin. 
Thank you for the life you gave me, it was brief but don't complain.
I have all Heaven's Glory, suffered none of earth's great pain.
Thank you for the name you gave me.
I'd have loved to bring it fame.
But if I'd lingered in earth's shadows, I would have suffered just the same.
So sweet family-don't you sorrow.
Wipe those tears and chase the gloom.
I went straight Jesus' arms, from my loving Mother's womb.
~Author Unknown

Capture Your Grief - Day 18

"Your Family Portrait"

This is our family portrait taken at Nehemiah's 5th Angelversary Celebration. We have our Nehemiah bear in there with us.

Happy 5th Heavenly Birthday!

Nehemiah:
Wow! I cannot believe that 5 years ago to the date, I was induced & delivered such a sweet angel baby!

I can still remember everything, from the horrible news we received the day before, to delivering you. I remembered everyone who visited us, I remember being in so much pain, I remember being impatient to see you, I absolutely remember everything!

I am so blessed to have had the chance to have you grow in my womb, to feel your kicks, to see you alive & moving on a sonogram machine. I thank God every morning for my precious time for you & for the opportunity to become a better person so that I may receive my keys to the kingdom. So when I die I will not parish, but have everlasting life with you & Jesus. 

We love you dear son! Happy Birthday!

P.S. this evening we will be releasing our balloons to you & lighting sparklers in your memory.

Nehemiah's Hats

I am getting ready for our second annual delivery of Nehemiah's Hats. I have almost doubled what I made last year, so I believe I will be able to donate to both hospitals' NICUs.

It is just hard to believe that this year will be 5 years since our precious baby became an angel.

Here is a preview of what I have so far...still knitting away.

I think when I have some free time I may do a step-by-step instruction post. I did buy a smaller loom this year, but the hats are really teeny..think I might make some of those if I have time that they can give to the tiniest of babies.

I got some ideas from a blog I fell upon this evening, click here. I might try these next year. I will keep yall posted of what is next! 

Five Years Ago - Aug. 22, 2007

This appointment was rather scary. I had had a nightmare the night before that we would be told you were gone.

When Dr. H tried to hear your heartbeat with the doppler, nothing could be heard. She sent us directly across the street to have a sonogram done just to check on things. 

When the tech put the probe on my belly, I kept my eyes on the ceiling & held my breath. When he said, "There he is! No wonder you all could not hear him, he is all over the place!"

I nearly jumped off of the table to give him a hug!

You looked like a fish in water, moving your hands & legs every which way...kind of like "Hey Mom & Dad! I am here & I am excited to be your baby!"

5 Years Ago - Aug. 1, 2007

Five years ago this morning, I went to my first appointment. Your daddy had to work, so I went alone. 

As soon as she put the probe onto my uterus, there you were! This is the day we told everyone (except our parents, they already knew) we were pregnant! 

5 Years Ago - July 10, 2007

Five years ago today, the day before your daddy's birthday, we told our parents that we were expecting our third child!

I cannot believe it has been 5 years since I had you growing inside of me; forming into a little being that could ultimately cure cancer or AIDS.  

Little did we know, that we would only have 5 short months with you... 

"I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations." Jeremiah 1:5