Capture Your Grief Day 10 - Beliefs

I believe that Jesus died on the cross for our sins & will be returning one day soon to retrieve His people. 

I believe that when a small child passes, they are received in heaven. One day I will be reunited with my sweet angel baby. 

Matthew 19:14 Jesus said, Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.

Dear Diary: October 22, 2007

In April we were discussing having another baby. We could never really make up our minds when to start trying. Our little baby was conceived the second week of June. Due to the fact that the 1st day of my last menstrual cycle was the 1st day of May & I should have had another one beginning June 23rd.

On July 2nd I had the distinct feeling I was carrying precious cargo. Just to be on the safe side we waited one more week, not even telling anyone what was going on. 

I took a test on the morning of July 10th, the day before your daddy's birthday. It was positive. We told our parents & later that weekend, we told everyone in the family the news.

My first appointment was July 31st. This was just a nurse visit, but we set up a sonogram & gave past medical history. We were getting excited!

This time I was more anxious than the other two times. It almost seemed sureal. 

On August 1st at 8:00am, I went alone to this visit, I was so nervous, I thought they were going to tell me I am not pregnant. The tech was so nice she calmed me. 

Then we saw this beautiful heartbeat inside my womb. You are there!

I was so excited, still a little more anxious than normal. 

My first Dr visit was August 22nd at 12:15pm. The Dr (Dr. H) was wonderful. She explained that we would be able to plan your delivery. It would have to be around 39 weeks. We were really getting excited. I know that eased daddy's mind because he had doubts about having to go through another emergency c-section. This visit got weird & tense. 

When the doppler was put on my stomach there was not heartbeat. We had to across the street for another sonogram. I was feeling so uneasy. I as bracing for the worse. I felt guilty for feeling this way. As soon as we got in the room the teck turned on the machine & got ready. I kept my eyes closed until he said, "There he is! He's moving so much, no wonder you couldn't hear him." 

I opened my eyes & saw this little skeletal form "dancing" around. I was so happy & relieved.

My next appointment was September 19th at 11:15am. I had been feeling you move all week. I wish I'd written down the first day I'd felt you move. It hadn't been too long, but this week there was loads of movement. No one else could feel you yet, but I could. 

This time it took them a while to get you on the doppler again, but I could feel you so I wasn't nervous. 

About the second week of feeling you move daddy thought he felt you. I know you moved a lot under his hand when he put it on my stomach.

The week after my appointment I was feeling a little anxious again & for some reason. I asked daddy what we would do if we lost you early on. He told me not to think about it, but he would not blame me & he'd love me. I asked him if we'd try again, he said we'd have to see.

About a week before my last visit, I had been sore all over & had not been feeling you move. I thought maybe I had another UTI or just tired. I never expected what I was going to get. 

Wednesday, October 17, 2007 at 1:00pm I went in for my appointment. I felt good & ready. 

We were debating about finding out the sex. When they tried to hear your heartbeat with the doppler, they couldn't. Dr. H just said maybe you were moving a lot or that the placenta was in the way. So we went for a sonogram. 

There still was no doubt in my mind anything was wrong.

K, the tech, looked for you on the screen. When you came into view, I knew.

K went to get Dr. H. Your dad just kept asking me what was wrong. I just told him it looked like your heart was not beating.

When they came back in K showed Dr. H. You were measuring 18 1/2 weeks. You should have been 20. My heart fell. They left us alone to cry in each others arms. 

We had to go back to Dr. H's office to discuss what was next.

We decided we'd deliver you the next morning. Dr. H gave me something to help me sleep & granny and papa took us dinner.

Thursday,October 18, 2007
We got to the hospital at 8:30am. Granny came to be with us. After blood work and discussing all the procedures for the day, we began. 

It was 11:45am when we started to induce labor. They said it could take up to 48 hours. I was so scared. I had always had c-sections and I was not ready to give you up!

At 2:45pm they came with more meds. I was bleeding and the nurse felt my water bag, so we thought it was going to quicker than planned.

At 4:00pm or so, another Dr came in to put a folley in my cervix. This was to pen it up for you. They'd told me the gender may not be visible.

After the intense pain I delivered you at 9:41pm. A BOY! (The nurse did let it slip that your umbilical cord was around your neck two times, but we aren't sure if that is why you left us.)

I had to have a D/C to clean out my uterus and to stop the bleeding. When I got out of recovery they brought you to me. 

You were in a blue/green blanket with white starbursts on it in a white Moses basket. They had described you to me so I wouldn't be shocked.

You were 9oz (265 grams) & 9 inches long. You had ten fingers & ten toes. You were beautiful! Tiny, but beautiful!

I love you!
I miss you!
You are my guardian angel!
You have two big sisters and even though you three never met, I know they love you!

Nehemiah Christopher Reyna 

Was I too anxious?
Was I too nervous?
Was I too stressed?
Did I squish you when I was sleeping?
Could this have been prevented?
Why?
Am I a failure?
Did I want you enough?

Your dad is the best! He has been taking good care of me.

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14

SeRiOuS PrAyEr ReQuEsT

Today I participated in the March for Babies. I will make sure to post pictures later.

Right now though, there is a preemie (well she is 10months now) who needs serious prayers! Kayleigh Anne Freeman has been battling for her life since birth last June & has never gotten to go home. She has overcome so much; however, in the last few days they have noticed there is something wrong. She had surgery a few days ago to correct some things so she can go home. According to her EEG this morning, she has no brain activity, but she is breathing on her own. The doctors are not sure if she was deprived oxygen during or after surgery.

Her parents are now struggling more than ever with questions & have requested every person to pray for them.

• Pray they make the right decision.
• Pray for Kayleigh to get through this.
• If it is her time, Pray her parents have peace in knowing that their little baby has brought some closer to God through her.
  
• Pray for God's will.

This is such a sweet baby who has overcome so much in her short life. I pray that she can overcome this as well.



Let the little children come to Me, & do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 19:14

Matthew 19:14

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."