December Photo-A-Day 31

"Fun"

We:

 1. ate homemade chili

2. watched wrasslin 

3. played Wii

4. stuffed our faces with ooey gooey goodness

5. watched the ball drop 

6. toasted in the New Year

7. poured ourselves into bed

Nehemiah - Story of a Name

When I was 16 years old I had started going back to church with my uncle and his family.
I was read my bible and notes daily. I remember one day when I read the book of Nehemiah.

At that moment I decided I really loved the name. The name belonged to strong, hardworking man of the bible. From that day on I knew that name was going to be the name of my first born son. 

Fast forward two years later, I am pregnant with my first child. I had already told JD that I had a boy name picked out if it so happened we would have a boy. Well, God blessed us with a beautiful little girl instead.

Now fast forward 12 more years, I am pregnant with my third child. I had a feeling in my heart that it was to be a boy and reminded JD of the name I had picked out. Not knowing that pregnancy was not going to end well.

A few days after delivering my stillborn baby boy, Nehemiah, I was reading my bible. I went to the book of Nehemiah again and was skimming through when I noticed the verse that in chapter 8 verse 10 that reads:

"Then he said to them, “Go your way, eat the fat, drink the sweet, and send portions to those for whom nothing is prepared; for this day is holy to our Lord. Do not sorrow, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” 

The Hebrew meaning of Nehemiah is: "Comforted by Yahweh"

This afternoon I was looking through the add for the LifeWay Christian Store and in the add is a book called "The Living Room Series NEHEMIAH a heart that can break" by Kelly Minter. This is how the description of the book read:

"Nehemiah is a call to let God break your heart for a hurting lost world and move you to lead people to Christ. Nehemiah the man was so broken-hearted for those in need that he gave up the comforts of his Persian palace to meet their needs. This Bible study features video sessions, solid teaching of the Bible, music selections, and a relational approach you'll love."

It amazes me how many things we have read, seen, heard and spoken in our lifetime that we never really paid attention to. I feel like I made the right choice in selecting Nehemiah's name. That it was meant to be for me to be broken-hearted so that I may be able to get closer to God. That this little baby I was never meant to hold here on earth, would build me up to be a better person. Wow!

I love you my precious baby. Sleep tight in Jesus' loving arms.

December Photo-A-Day 30

"Your Winter Wonderland"

This was actually the snow we got on Christmas!! Yes, we had a white Christmas!

December Photo-A-Day 29

"Sky View"

Amarillo has the best sunsets!

December Photo-A-Day 28

"Words"

 

December Photo-A-Day 27

"Night Time"

 

December Photo-A-Day 26

"Grateful"

I have 3 beautiful, healthy, lively children. For that I am truly grateful!

December Photo-A-Day 25

"Morning"

This was Christmas morning...kids opening presents & catching their faces!

New Traditions

So I was watching Sister Wives, before anyone judges, this is a very interesting show. On the show one of the wives made all the children pj's to open on Christmas Eve.

I thought that would be the coolest, easiest gift to make for my kiddos. In the future I hope to make them for my niece & nephews as well. 

Anyway, I let the kids pick out the design they wanted & set to Googling the easiest way to make these & looked at countless YouTube videos. Finally getting my nerve up to make them.The whole time Makaila thought I was making them blankets...hehehe
 
My original plan was to let the kids open them at my mom's on Christmas Eve & let them try them on for everyone. Except something came over me last night & I thought I had better let them open them now. Everyone will see them on Christmas morning anyway.

Oh, thank you baby Jesus that I did. Because the ones I made for Makaila & Crispin where both snug in the waist area & Makaila's were too short. 

You can't really tell here because KK is sitting, but they are short..

So, I got up early this morning to make them each another pair. My only dilemma was I did not have anymore of the cute pink material Makaila had picked out.

Now I think KK's look like "skinny jean" style lounge pants...lol

December Photo-A-Day 24

"Favorite Part of Christmas Eve"

Watching my children spend time with their grandparents would be my number 1. 

Spending time with my family would be a close 2nd. I forgot about this project for the day & did not take a bunch of group pictures.

December Photo-A-Day 23

"Scarf"


This is my daughter's scarf that I just L.O.V.E.! We found it at a second-hand store & it is such a beauty..

December Photo-A-Day 22

"Tradition"

Every year we make & decorate sugar cookies while listening to Christmas music or stories. This year was definitely no different. 

December Photo-A-Day 21

"Peace"

December Photo-A-Day 20

"Tree Topper"

We have had this topper about 8 years now. Isn't she lovely? 

December Photo-A-Day 19

"Candy Cane"

Our family really enjoys the different flavors of candy canes. We usually do a different flavor than original.

December Photo-A-Day 18

"Stockings"

December Photo-A-Day 17

"Presents"

I love giving more than receiving. I especially like seeing my children's faces light up when they see what they are given!

December Photo-A-Day 16

"Outside Christmas Lights"

Decemeber Photo-A-Day 15

"Favorite Holiday Song"

This is my most favorite song to sing at Christmas time!

Decemeber Photo-A-Day 14

"Christmas Tree"

December Photo-A-Day 13

"Family"

December Photo-A-Day 12

"A Beautiful Sight"

I could only imagine being one of the first people to lay my eyes upon the newly born Messiah.

December Photo-A-Day 11

                           

"Green"

I love this shiny green Christmas tree I received from a co-worker years ago.

December Photo-A-Day 10

     

 

"Wrapping Paper"

These are the 3 types we are using...I love wrapping gifts
 

December Photo-A-Day 9

"Something You're Reading"

I just finished reading the Hunger Games series & have not started anything knew. So, I do not have anything to post here today...

December Photo-A-Day 8

"Ornaments"

Every year we take the kids & let them pick out the ornament of their choice. JD & I pick out one for Nehemiah. It took us 3 stores to find "the one".

December Photo-A-Day 7

"Bright"

December Photo-A-Day 5

"Today's Temperature"

                                     
 

December Photo-A-Day 4

"Joyous"

These little people bring joy to my life!

December Photo-A-Day 3

            "Red"
This hangs on our door

December Photo-A-Day 2

"Favorite Holiday Movie"

My children & I love this movie! I personally like this one better than the Jim Carrey version.

December Photo-A-Day 1

"Your View"

This is what I saw first thing Saturday morning in my living room.

Crazy Boys!!

Dear Diary: November 23, 2007

                                                                                         It's snowing!! 
Thanksgiving was a blast. Granny and I cut up stuff and cooked. Daddy and your cousin Alex helped with the fruit salad. Your other cousins and your sisters played. Then everyone started to show up.

It was so nice having everyone together. We have a new cousin Cannon. He is so precious. 


I had written my prayer and read it over and over. I was getting nervous. I stood between Daddy and your uncle Michael for some support. Papa stood behind me. Daddy told everyone I was reading something. I got so nervous I started to panic and cry. I handed it to your dad and said I couldn't do it. He handed it back to me, Michael grabbed my hand and Papa grabbed my shoulders. I took a deep breather and began. My voice kept cracking, but I got through it. Not one dry eye, when I got done, in the room.

Everyone hugged me one at a time. The prayer was not only meant for me and my pain. Your cousin is getting divorced, your great-aunt and great-grandma are having a hard time. Your Granny and Papa are having to celebrate holidays without two of their daughters (a story too long to tell) and probably a few others going through something quietly. 

I love you even though we never met. I will see you again in Heaven and i will hold you in my arms. You are precious to me and your footprints are on my heart. FOREVER!

"If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men. But Christ has indeed been raised from the dead, the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep. For since death came through man, the resurrection of the dead comes also through a man. For as in Adam all die, so in Christ all will be made alive." 1 Corinthians 15:19-22 

Dear Diary: November 21, 2007

Today your dad and I have been together 12 years. Crazy and in love still. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I wish you were still here. I would be 25 weeks pregnant and everyone would be able to feel you move now. I have written a prayer for tomorrow, I just hope I have the courage to read it. 

I am thankful for you and our time together. I miss you baby boy! 

Love,
Mommy <3>

"We love because God first loved us." 1 John 4:19

Dear Diary: November 19, 2007

Yesterday was one month since I gave birth to you. This weekend was good. Friday daddy and I had a date night. Dinner and a movie.

We worked on the house some more. I think we are finally done. Now just need to clean for Thanksgiving. 

I do miss you growing inside of me. I wish I never had to give you up!

I love you!

You are looking down us. I love you!

"Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints." Psalm 116:15

Dear Diary: November 16, 2007

I had a semi-bad day today. 

This morning at work I had a crying attack. A woman was in the bathroom talking about people dying around holidays. I just broke down soon after in the stairwell. 

 I have been doing good. My friend brought sonogram pictures and everyone decided to use my desk as the place to look at them and oo and ah over.

It hurt, but all I could do was sit there and smile. She is having a boy. I'm losing it! This sucks!

I wanted to cry so long and hard today, but I did not let myself. I prayed to God to send someone my way who understood. 

Her name is Paulina. She has a 16 year old and a 6 year old. Between the two she had two miscarriages. Her youngest daughter was believed to be her third, but she survived. Unfortunately not long after birth, she had a total hysterectomy. She wanted to try one more time for a boy, but was robbed. 

I believe God saved my womb for one more baby, but now is not the time. 

I love you!

It felt good to talk with her. When I talk about how I feel to people they either make a sad face or an ahhhh sound. I am thinking about seeking more help. 

I feel like I am making your dad upset when I talk about you or things I think about concerning you or the things I read about. I am going to pray more about it.

A lady at Drea's school told me she'd ask Andrea when am I due and she told the teacher you'd died. She told us her daughter had lost twins and how much harder that had to have been. I thought she was very inconsiderate. All she had to say is, "Andrea told me about your loss and I'm sorry to hear of it." People do not think! They are uneducated as such. I guess I am seeing it was meant to be for me to go through this. 

We are going back to church this weekend. I know it will help us a lot! I miss you baby boy! I think about you and I love you! 

Love, 
Mommy :) 

Jesus said, "You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy." John 16:20

Dear Diary: November 13, 2007

Hi baby!

I had a good two days. I have been tired and moody.

My friend is pregnant and I am so jealous. I am very happy for her. It hurts a little, but I do not resent her or her baby. There are pregnant women all around me and I am jealous of them all. 

I know if God wants me to have another baby He will give me one when I am ready. I am no where near ready right now. No way!

I do not want to replace you and I would feel so guilty. I might feel differently in 6-12 months. 

I am anxious to go back to Dr. H again. I pray to God she has answers.

I have been doing good on my stress level and getting upset over stupid stuff. I wish I had done better during my pregnancy. My anxiety attacks are better since going back to work. 

I miss you! I love you!

Thanksgiving is coming. Get to stuff ourselves with good food and good company.

Well, baby I better get some sleep.

Love you my love!   


""He will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces." Isaiah 25:8

Dear Diary: November 11, 2007

Yesterday we worked on the living room to get everything done for Thanksgiving. I have been very energetic since going back to work.

Today we put finishing touches on the living room and kitchen. We even went to church this morning. I put you in the prayer request. 

I have read both books I ordered online to help me deal and I am glad I read them. 

I am still praying we get some answers at my next appointment. That will be December 4th. I really do not know if I want anymore children. One thing I am scared this will happen again.

There is no way I can handle another loss and if it were worse next time I could lose my mind. I do not and cannot blame this on my Dr or God. There is a perfectly logical explanation as to why you left me so early. Nothing could have been done to save you. 

One thing, you were already gone at least a week and a half before we knew it. I am grateful you were a part of me even if for just a moment in time. To help ease my heart, I have two beautiful daughters, your sisters and I have you wonderful father and an awesome family that pulled together for us to make us feel peace and comfort. 

We will always miss you! And you were loved and always will be!

Nehemiah Christopher, gone but never forgotten! 

"Just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." 2 Corinthians 1:5

Dear Diary: November 9, 2007

Today is my birthday! It was nice. I had food at work and a small party at granny's. It was nice. 

Yesterday was my first day back to work. I got overwhelmed at first and cried for a second, but the rest of the day was good.

I talked about you and showed them your foot and handprints. It felt good to talk and be out. 

Today was good too. I got more work done today than yesterday.

Makaila is happy back at daycare. She is doing good. 

I love you Nehemiah and I miss you. I asked for a scrapbook, just a small one to fit in your box to hold your pix and sonograms and cards. 

Well, good-night baby. Mommy loves you! 

"This is what the Lord says: "Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears...there is hope for your future," declares the Lord." Jeremiah 31:16-17

Dear Diary: November 7, 2007

These last few days have been good. 

I go back to work tomorrow. I kind of miss it, the adult contact and the work will keep my mind busy. 

My appointment was good yesterday. No news on you yet. Dr. H says maybe my next appointment will have some results. She says we can try again. She asks that we wait about six months. She gave me some birth control pills to try. I miss you bebe!

I received one of the books I ordered too. Almost done reading it. I had a friend lose her baby a few years back. I have been debating calling her. It's been a while since I have spoken with her. I drive by L's grave every now and again. What do you think?

Makaila is ready for daycare tomorrow. I'm not much fun. 

I do not blame God, nor Dr. H. You must have been too sick for me to care for or it would be too hard for me to lose you later in your life. But I miss you and love you!

It will get easier, but I will never forget you.

Hopefully, daddy and I are going to start church this Sunday. I need it so I am going to pray about it. I can't go without him. We both need this! I love you!

Tonight your dad and I had a spat. I told him about my new book and thought he might like to read it. Instead me bringing it up made him feel like I was telling him what to do with his feelings which is not my intentions.

I have been crying now for about an hour. I do not know what to do or say now. I thought the other day he was just acting uninterested when I told him stories I read about other women losing a baby, but now I think I was making him think about you and hurting him instead. I guess I will wait until he needs me. I love him. And this should bring us together, not tear us apart. Now I really hope he still goes to church with me on Sunday. 

I am going to say my prayers and sleep now. Love you!

Forgot something, you dad says he can't break down. His job is to be strong for me so when I breakdown. I told him he does not always have to be the strong one, to let me be the one to care for him. He is so stubborn sometimes. I think that is something that makes me adore him. If I think of anything else, I will be back. 

Mommy loves you! I know your sisters do too. Makaila told you all the time when you were in my womb. She'd kiss my tummy and say, "Mama, he says he love you!" We all miss you!


"Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him For the help of His countenance." Psalm 42:5

    

Dear Diary: November 4, 2007

October is over! Today is grandma's birthday. 

I had a hard night last night. I was trying to go to sleep and I started crying. It seemed like an hour before I could quit. I got up and read a bit. It was almost 5:00 before I got back in bed and finally feel asleep.

This morning I keep dropping everything and breaking whatever I've dropped. I need to go back to bed and wake up again. 

The other night I had a nightmare! The doctors informed me they had a procedure to keep you in my womb and make you better. But I woke up and remembered you are already gone from my womb. I cried a while until i feel back to sleep. It was like I as reliving everything over and over. I try to change my dreams when the thoughts of you being gone enter my mind. I pray to God and I do thank Him for my time with you. You will always be a part of me. I felt you move and kick. I love you! I miss you!

I ran into an old friend yesterday. I almost forgot to tell you. I told her about you. It felt good to discuss you with someone. I gave her my number. I hope she calls me. She has three boys. I really hope she calls. We haven't talked in about four years.

I am so grateful I got to hear your heartbeat, and I got to see you move inside me and I got to feel you move and I got to love you! All this before you left me. 

Thank you God for my own guardian angel!

NEHEMIAH CHRISTOPHER REYNA **Name meaning** Consoled by God.

Dear Diary: November 2, 2007

Seven days until my birthday. Ugh! I don't want a party. I don't want to celebrate. I miss you!

I got a good night sleep last night. It's been taking me a while to get to sleep and then I can't get up in the mornings from being so tired. I can think about you now without crying uncontrollably.

Your dad is being super patient with me. He rented the movie "Knocked Up" a few nights ago and he could not stop apologizing. It was really alright with me. And then he told me I could take aspirin since I'm not pregnant and he apologized for that remark. It was really alright. He is right. And then he was telling me about his Christmas party, how it's going to be a baby shower too. He asked me if I'd want to go. He is so sensitive. He really has no reason to apologize to me. 

Men do not feel the way women do when it comes to this sort of thing. I forgive him. He is the best!

November 21st will be our twelve year anniversary. I know that is forever! Our six year wedding anniversary was October 20th.

I love you baby boy! XOXOXO

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; My heart trusted in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart greatly rejoices, And with my song I will praise Him." Psalm 28:7  

Dear Diary: November 1, 2007

We had a blast taking the girls out!

Makaila kept telling people how awesome their decorations are and they weren't scared at all! I was a little..shhh.

We visited Tio Juan, Grandma Becky, grandma Shirley, Aunt Na, Uncle Bo, Aunt Laci and Cadence. Cadence was a giraffe.

I cried at bedtime though. I miss you and I wish I could take you trick or treating. I know I did in my heart, but it is not the same. 

Today I am doing okay. This week I have been so lazy! I can't get up in the mornings. I am so tired for some reason. I have not had to take a sleeping pill for a week, so I do not know.  

I need to clean! This house is dirty! Ugh! I love you baby! You are missed! Truly!!

Just a few days until I go back to the doctor and then work. Ugh! I'm enjoying being off, but I'm lonely and I know KK misses her friends. I miss you!

Lots of love from me to you baby! :) <3


"Be not far from Me. For trouble is near; For there is none to help." Psalm 22:11 

Capture Your Grief - Day 31

"Sunset"

Dear Diary: October 30, 2007

I am good today. 

I ordered two books from the internet to help me & daddy deal with our grief. I really miss you!

I kissed your pictures today. 

One week until I go to the doctor. Tomorrow is Halloween. Andrea is going to be a pumpkin & Makaila is going as a present.

I love you angel!
Good-night baby!
XOXOXO


Make a joyful noise ---even when it hurts.
The Lord never gives us more than we can handle. 

Capturing Your Grief - Day 30

"Your Grief - Tell the World"

Here are a few faces of grief I would like to share. As well, there are five stages of grief. They come in no certain order, they last for no particular amount of time, and some come around more than once.

• Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
  
• Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
  
• Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
  
• Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
  
• Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”
  

Dear Diary: October 29, 2007

I am doing okay.

Friday Makaila and I went to the park and the zoo. She has been keeping me company. She asked me if she was bad at daycare and that is why she is staying with me. I told her I need her to be with me. She is so sweet. You two would have so much fun together. I wish you were here. 

Sometimes I do forget I am not pregnant. This is really hard sometimes. When I get too sad I kiss your pictures. I am so glad I have them of you so I can remember what you look like.

I miss you baby!
I love you!


Their tiny feet go before us to show us the way home. ~Unknown

Capture Your Grief - Day 29

"Music"

I totally believe that music can help with the healing process. Especially if it is a song that you can relate to & you let it into your heart. 

The musicians & the songs I have listed here are just a few that I have listened to (still do) & have helped me in healing. There are a lot more, but it would over take this blog...lol

Capture Your Grief - Day 27

"Artwork"

I do not have a drawing to share, I actually have a song my little brother wrote for my husband & I after our loss. I believe music is another form of art & thought I would share! 

Maybe some day, he will record himself singing it so I can share that here as well.

Why

Chorus:

Why does it hurt so bad, to lose someone you never held
And why does it hurt so bad, why does my heart melt
Why do we put ourselves through pain, why do we get mad
Why do always want the things that we know we cannot have

We wanna see him run, wanna see him dance
Just to see him smile, just to have a chance
A chance to change this world maybe bring us peace
There always comes a time in everyone's life
We'd give up everything and make a sacrifice
"Grant us this one thing, God we ask you please"

Chorus

Through all this world of pain and grief
He could have been "the one" been our sweet relief
Could have found the cure for A.I.D.S. maybe cancer too
He was needed in Heaven more than he was needed here
He went to the place where there's no pain or tears
One day we'll be with him and the chosen few

Chorus

Bridge:

Kiss him for me, one day we'll see his face
We don't hate you we just wonder why it happened that way
Kiss him for me, one day we'll see is face
We just wonder why these things go on in this place

Chorus

~Author Bo Phillips

Capture Your Grief - Day 26

"Their Age"