I Hate Change

When I thought I might be pregnant with my third child I had not been going to the OBGYN regularly, so I had to find someone.

I tried getting into a doctor that all my lady friends recommened to me; however, the receptionist on the telephone advised me that she was booked up a year. I knew if I was pregnant there was no way it was possible to be placed on a waiting list. I asked if there were any other doctors in their office with openings for new patients. I had advised her that I was most comforatable seeing a woman. She gave me two names to choose from. I asked her to make a recommendation. Well, she could not have recommended a better doctor for me!

This doctor was perfect! She was sweet, attentive, and was not judgey, like some can be about overweight women and when we lost Nehemiah she could not have been more wonderful!

I continued seeing her annually and even after my 4th pregnancy. She was awesome all the way through. 

Well, just a few days ago I opened a letter from her that she was "retiring from active practice immediately". When I read that sentence my heart stopped beating for a moment and tears filled my eyes! After the sting wore off a bit, I told myself I cannot change doctors! Who will I find? Then I thought, I did not get to tell her good-bye and I have not seen her since last May, couldn't she have waited until May to let me know she was retiring?

I hate change! I just cannot do it! Ok, I know I can, but I am really sad about it. I know we go through seasons and this is just one I will have to go through even though I do not want to. I just have to pray about it and I know the Lord will find me the perfect doctor, besides Himself of course.

March for Babies 2014

Here is Team Nehemiah 2014

Hard Working

When you are a team captain of a group of people, I do not think they realize how hard it is. There is a lot of preparation and information to get out, that there are times of miscommunication, hurt feelings, etc. You have to get people motivated for your cause to help you out, you have to have a strong support group to get in there and get their hands dirty. Some people like to just show up and that is fine too, but I think they miss all the small details it takes to keep it all going.

This is my 6th year to be a part of our local March of Dimes walk and to be team captain of my own family team. This year has been a little more stressful than years past though. It seems my support group has dwindled and there has been some discord amongst us. I feel like I might be being led into a different direction and I am ok with that. I just know I need to pray on it and make sure it is God talking to me, leading me, and not that of my self. 

Don't get me wrong, I have loved doing it and know that my reward is not here on earth, but with my Heavenly Father. I know I am making my baby boy proud, too.

I am forever thankful to those who have stood beside my family and have supported us in this great cause. It has been a great way to release some of our grief.

I will keep everyone posted in the future months on what my next endeavor may become. 


 
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

Generously Giving

Every year that I have participated in the March for Babies I tend to beat myself up for not making the top Family Team or for not getting as much money as a new team does.  

This Sunday we were in Matthew 6:1-4 and the lesson was on giving. It states that we should give in private and not to expect anything in return for it. That as long as we are giving and keeping it between ourselves and God, we will receive our rewards in Heaven.

So, I am making a promise to myself that I am going to do everything I can in honor of my Nehemiah and the babies I walk for and I am not going to beat myself up for not being in the top. As long as I have my heart in it, then I am doing it for the right reason.

I will pray for my team though and for myself to do everything we can to help our community in the mission to fight prematurity and birth defects.

I will no longer be upset if I am not getting the exact support that other teams are getting or raking in the funds other teams get. Instead, I will hold my head high and be proud of myself and my team for what we have accomplished over the past 5 years. 

This year, year 6, is going to be the best year, I just know it! 

And all glory be to God! 

P.s. if you feel the need to give, please click on the March for Babies icon on the right-hand side of my blog.

Some Kind of Testimony

My post from a few days ago I had stated that I did not really have a testimony to give; however, after this weekend's sermon I do have some kind of testimony!

All my years past of reading my bible and going to church I guess I was just really "going through the motions". I remember every bible story I learned as a child and I love telling them to my children. However, when you get serious about reading your bible you learn there is so much more to those bible stories you hear as a child. 

I have been reading a One Year Bible. When I read it, I am making notes of things to look into further and I am really learning a lot. Going to church regularly is helping me to learn more than I thought I already knew as well. 

My Pastor made the comment that he never did good in school, but when he got into bible college it was a whole other learning experience and he has no problems learning and retaining the information he has learned. I feel I can relate on some level with his statement. I can honestly say this past year I am doing more than "going through the motions". I am more than lukewarm, I am actually on fire for Christ! I am in love with my creator! And I cannot wait to learn more and more...

 

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) lyrics

My favorite Praise and Worship song at the moment...and I do not care that it is 9 minutes long. When it is on in our van, there is utter silence and sense of peace. My girls love the song too.
  

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"  
by Hillsong United
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
[x6]

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine 

Let Go and Let God

This past Sunday was emotional...to say the least.

The sermon was on Romans 8:28.
"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose."

Our Pastor gave us 5 examples in his life where something bad had happened and then what good had come of it. I was thinking back to my worst times and I am so glad that I did not turn my back on God. I know I am only standing because of Him! I do not want to imagine how my life would be right now had I never called on God in my times of despair.

We never want to hear the bad things, we all want roses and beautiful music. Well, tragedy can happen in the blink of an eye. Some people break down and became full of anger and hate towards God and even blame God. When I see them fall I wonder how can they turn their backs on God?

Satan is a liar! He knows what the Bible says and he knows how to trick us with it, too.  But our relationship with God should be a marriage - too solid to let evil come between us. Look back at the Book of Job...God was boasting about Job to Satan and Satan was sure he could turn him against God. But he didn't!

God has broad shoulders, but at some point you are going to have to let go and let God!

Romans 8:26-27

On Sunday mornings we are in Romans 8. It has truly been an awesome experience to be learning this book so far.

Last weekend we were in Romans 8:26-27. Talking about prayer and how we do not know what we should pray for, that is why we have the Holy Spirit to help us. I have never been a great prayer-er, but if someone asks me to pray for them, I do it. I know that the Holy Spirit will form my prayer.

I follow the prayer ritual I learned as a child, to pray for the needy and strangers, friends, family and then yourself. I was taught never to be selfish or demanding in your prayers and to make sure you always ask for forgiveness. So, I make sure to pray in this order, adding in "not my will, but Your will" to the end so I do not sound demanding. When I am done praying I sometimes remember that I have forgotten to pray for someone who had requested it. And so I start up again. I believe that is the Holy Spirit reminding me that I had told someone I would pray for them earlier and must remember to keep my promise.


In case you do not have a bible handy here it is for you:
Romans 8:26-27
"Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.
Now He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God."




As I hear every week from my Pastor, "The Holy Spirit is listed 20 times in Romans chapter 8"...thought I would pass on that tidbit of information. :) 

Jesus Saves

I have went to church for the most part of my life and I have always believed in and had faith in God. I have stood up in front of church congregations declaring my love for Jesus and accepting Him into my heart more times than I can count.

Almost 4 years ago my older brother helped in my search for the "right" church for my whole family. That is when I found the church I attend now. I can honestly say, I love it there! I have built my relationship with God up more than I had in the past and I love learning more and more.

The week of Thanksgiving our Pastor had an "open mike" night, if you want to call it that. People were giving their testimonies of how their relationship with God had changed within the last year or could share anything from within the last year they wished. My husband got up in front of everyone and gave his testimony. He started going with me in September when we started the book of Job. Let me tell you, it was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!

I was feeling a little bad because I did not have a testimony to give. I had not strayed away the way those who were giving their testimonies had. I was wondering if I had a real relationship with Christ, was I really saved?

This past week one of my girlfriends had a guest speaker come to her church. He started by telling everyone that he had grown up in church and did not have a testimony to give. He just always had his relationship because it was just a part of his life. When she told me this, I felt like she was supposed to hear this and share with me.

I am not by any means saying I am better than those who have gone through hell and back or been in a bad way before they found God, but I am thankful that I have not had to endure those things in order to have a relationship with God. 

If anyone who is reading this post is in a bad way or going through hell and want to come back or just not sure if you are saved, just remember Jesus saves. He is the only way to heaven and it is not too late to ask for repentance and for Him to come into your heart. 
When you are ready, here is a simple prayer you can say:

Lord Jesus, I am a sinner. But I believe that you died upon the cross for me. That You shed Your precious blood for the forgiveness of my sin. And I believe that on the third day,You rose from the dead, and went to Heaven to prepare a place for me.  I accept You now as my Savior, my Lord, my God, my friend. Come into my heart, Lord Jesus, and set me free from my sin. And, because You are my Savior, Jesus, "I shall not die, but have everlasting life".
Thank you Jesus!


 
“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Romans 3:23
“For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 6:23

Reflections of 2013

I cannot believe 2013 is over and we still do not have World Peace or flying cars.

Let's reflect back on a great year 2013 has been for my family, shall we?

January 

Our baby boy turned 2

 

February 

 

We enjoyed a few snow days!

March

Our baby girl turned 10

April

My dad and I ran our first 5k, with my friend Crystal

Here are our team Pictures {JD was sick :( }

August

 We became parents of a 10th grader

and 5th grader 

We started potty training.....so much fun :P

September

Andrea had foot surgery

October

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Candle Light Vigil

We celebrated Nehemiah's 6th Angelversary

We celebrated our sweet girl with a 

Surprise Sweet 16 Party!

 

 We had fun dressing up for Halloween

November

 Andrea, my mom and dad, and myself volunteered at

our church to feed Thanksgiving lunch.

 We had a lot to be thankful for this year!

December

We have had an amazing Christmas

I pray each of you a Blessed and Happy New Year!

Capture Your Grief Day 31 - Sunset

Sunset - the ending of the day the Lord has blessed us with.

Capture Your Grief Day 30 - Growth

Growth - I believe in a higher power ~God~ and the promises He has made. With that I know I will see my baby again in heaven.
I am growing everyday.

Capture Your Grief Day 29 - Healing

                                          This picture is from a few years ago.

Healing - My husband has been my rock. He lets me cry, talk, yell etc. He is the only one who knows exactly what I am going through & has helped my healing. There is my rainbow baby, Crispin, has been a ray of sunshine after the storm. I'm not completely healed & never will be, but the days are not as dark as before.

Capture Your Grief Day 28 - Special Place

Special Place - We did not choose to bury our baby, the hospital was supposed to do an autopsy & the ball was dropped and we have never asked what they did with his sweet body. 

So, my special place I go to is here. In my memory box & blanket given to me at the hospital, the scrapbook I made & a bear my friend had made for me.

Capture Your Grief Day 27 - Signs

Signs - When I am feeling sad or missing my little angel, I find these white furry feathers or I have had butterflies land in front of me & stay for a few moments. Sometimes I get a smell in my nose that reminds me of how it smelled when I had him & I know he is right beside me.

Capture Your Grief Day 26 - Community

 Community - To me Community is Family & Close Friends. I have always love the movie Lilo & Stitch & the Ohana saying. My family is rather large, so I picked this picture for today. 

Capture Your Grief Day 25 - Say it Out Loud

Say It Out Loud - I have four children! I get uncomfortable telling people I have 4 because then it sometimes turns into a lot of questions and sad looks. Sometimes I feel more uncomfortable for the person asking.

Captute Your Grief Day 24 - Artwork

 

Artwork - My art work is deisigning our Team shirts every year. I wish this picture was s bit clearer. The 2009 photo were his actual sized footprints walking in the shirt, the 2010 are his hands together like he is praying, 2011 was angel wings & his name, 2012 was the "Angel in the Book of Life" poem in the shape of the March of Dimes symbol & 2013 we did a baseball theme. My dad & I wor red shorts & baseball socks to run our 1st 5k in. 

Capture Your Grief Day 23 - Tattoo or Jewellery

Tattoo and Jewellery - I received this necklace from my husband & girls for my birthday after my loss and I never take it off. It says "My Guardian Angel Protect Me". I want to get a tattoo one day when I find the perfect one.

Capture Your Grief Day 22 - Words

Words - I had decided to name my son Nehemiah after the man in the bible. I had never paid attention to the verse in the picture until I had lost my baby. The name Nehemiah also means: comforted by God. Seems so fitting. I love this scripture because I know one day God will wipe away every tear and make all things right again. I faith that I will see my precious baby at that time.