My Personal Struggle

I have struggles, just as many of you out there. I try to look up to God & pray to Him when I am in my darkest hour. I still try to remember to say my morning & evening prayers everyday, along w/my noon ones when I hear of a struggling family, child or a loss of a loved one. My biggest struggle is the loss of my son. Seeing other mothers w/their babies sometimes brings tears to my eyes. I love children & since I was a little girl I had always wanted lots of babies.

I miss my son & what could have been. Nehemiah was due to be born March 8, 2008, but I would have had a scheduled c-section due to my previous two, so he would have come the last week of February.

When other women are pregnant I try to be happy for them, but when they say they weren't trying or didn't want kids it stings. Especially women who do not take care of themselves &/or they already have children they do not care for, it really hurts. I know I have no right to say who should have children & who should not & I try not to judge, but I am human & the green eyed jealous monster comes out & I think the worst.

I do wonder who would he look like & what would he grow up to be?
Would he have been mommy's little boy?
When everyone around is holding their baby w/out a care when I lost mine & will never get to hold him on earth I want to tell them so they know.

I want my son to spend holidays w/& get to celebrate his firsts & I want to hold him while he sleeps & smell his baby breath.
I want to be able to complain about no sleep & smelling like spit up & laugh at him making baby sounds & funny faces while he sleeps.
I know one day in heaven I will get to see my smiling boy & do all the things I am missing out on now. I just want it now!

When I am having a moment, I try to keep it to myself so I don't bring everyone else down around me. Which half of the time, they do not seem to notice me there anyways. They go on about their business & I still hurt. Waiting for some words of comfort or support, maybe a hug. There are people in my own family who have not said anything to me since my loss. I can tell when I am making someone uncomfortable when I bring it up & when people ask me if I will ever try for a third child or for a son. That is always awkward, more for them than for me. I get that look though when I tell them & that makes me feel awkward. I know that not everyone has been through this experience and it is easier to just ignore it, because what can you "REALLY" say to make things better? I do have advice for people who know someone who has lost a baby, HUG THEM!! Tell them you love them!! & ask them if they want to just talk about it. That is what I would like people to do for me. THAT WOULD BE THE NICEST THING EVER!!

I know some people they wonder "when will they get over it?" "when will they just move on?"...well, I cannot answer those questions for you. We take it one day at a time. If we are to get pregnant it will be by the grace of God, as we are not trying at the moment.
But for now I will meet you in my dreams Nehemiah & we will play patty cake & smile at each other until I can be where you are.