October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month.
If you live in the Amarillo area here are a few things going on this month you may participate either as an angel parent, angel grandparent, angel sibling, angel aunt, angel cousin, angel uncle, friend of any of these listed, etc.
"A Walk to Remember"
Saturday, October 1, 2011 @ 10 am
Memorial Park-Area # 1( east side of park) 2400 South Washington.
This walk is for parents, grandparents, siblings, health-care professionals, friends to observe National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month.
World Wide Wave of Light
5th Annual Pregnancy and Infant Loss Candlelight Vigil!
Saturday, October 15 · 7:00pm - 10:00pm
Amarillo Botanical Gardens (next to the playground)
1400 Streit Dr. Amarillo, Texas
I was thinking this morning about the people I have met after becoming a parent of an angel. I have met people I would never have met any other way & also caught back up with friends whom I had lost touch with, even gotten closer to a friend or two.
They always say God brings people into your life that you will help or who will help you. I do not think you can ever fully help someone who is going through something unless you have been in that same spot yourself.
I am thankful for the friends I have made & bonds that have gotten stronger because of my sweet Nehemiah. I miss my angel baby everyday, but it makes me feel good to think that he is making some really special friends up in Heaven. He is in great company!
I wear a pair of shoes
They are ugly shoes
Uncomfortable shoes
I hate my shoes
Each day I wear them and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step
Yet, I continue to wear them
I get funny looks wearing these shoes
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs
They never talk about my shoes
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt
No woman deserves to wear these shoes
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
~Unknown Author
I have been thinking back to a conversation that was being held between a group of friends. I was not part of the conversation, nor was I not eavesdropping. I was actually with a person who was part of this group & taking it all in.
The conversation was about a young man who had died in an automobile accident. He left behind his parents, siblings, numerous friends & family, & a fiance.
The group was discussing how sad it was that he had not gotten to marry his fiance & how sad she must be. One person even chimed in to say that they hoped she was not being left out, since she was just the fiance.
I was daydreaming, drifting in and out of the conversation, until one man said, "At least she can still remarry".
My ears perked up, the way dogs do in movies & I listened closer as everyone else chimed in on how that was true, true, true. Then I was screaming inside of my head "I hope you did not say that to her!".
Oh, how to this day I wish I had said something. Not just anything. Not anything sarcastic. Not anything to belittle them. Just something that would have made them realize what the man had just said & what each individual had just agreed to.
It is this way with any kind of tragedy I suppose. There are those who would say:
"You can always find another partner"
"You can always have another baby"
"At least you have other siblings"
"At least you have your other parent"
"At least you have other children"
I know people mean well, one never really knows what to say to another person who is mourning. Especially one who has never experienced it first hand. I myself still do not have all of the words I wish to say to another person who is grieving the loss of a baby/child, but I do know what not to say.
So, if I could rewind time & go back to that one day, I would have to politely say, "But she will never love another, the way she loved him".
The point I am making today is, no matter how well our intentions are, think before you speak.
The love a mother has for her children,
The love a father has for his children,
The love our Father has for us, His children
This is called Unconditional Love!
I love that the Lord loves us!
I love that the Lord blessed my husband & I with the children we have!
I love the child the Lord blessed my husband & I that grows in our heart!
This is called Unconditional Love!
What a love this is!
"Let us love one another, for love comes from God.
Everyone who loves has been born of God & knows God.
Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." 1John 4:7-8
I have started this post three different times today. Getting a few sentences out & then realizing that I was rambling or what I had written had no meaning. So, here I start again & decided to go a different route.
I always thought that after my loss I would always be there for my friends & family if they were to ever face the same ordeal of losing a child. However, I have found this tough & not as easy to comfort someone as I had originally thought. I feel absolutely helpless, but I hope that I do have the right words when the time comes. I know that my loss has meaning whether that is to help someone else out or to show what love I have for our Lord even through such great tragedy.
Today I went to the memorial of a sweet baby girl whose life was short & brief, yet has brought so much to my life & I know for many others who were following her story as well. She grew in her mother's womb for 32 weeks with a birth defect that we prayed would not take her life. We prayed that she would be healed & live a normal life. We prayed she would be used to show us how to fight. Unfortunately, God had another plan.
I had never been to a memorial for an infant & it was quite an experience, as well as heartbreaking. The pastor spoke of this baby as if she had lived for 32 years. It was comforting & he said some things that my husband said he had needed to hear.
Her parents are strong & steady. Letting the Lord lead them & turning to Him for comfort. This is how He wants it. He wants us when we are at our weakest. When we are at our lowest. When we are at our darkest. He loves us & knows what we can handle.
Right now it is not understandable why we must endure so much pain. In the end the reasoning will be shown to us.
My prayer today is for all of those mommies & daddies who not able to hold their babies in their arms; for peace & comfort as they must go on living with a piece of their heart missing. To one day know this too will be made right.
Oh how I L.O.V.E. Family Game Nights!
We bought a used Wii with our income tax & when we have a few extra dollars we go to the used games shop & buy a game to try out on game night. Or we play Yahtzee, which is my favorite game. I manage to win & I actually have no kind of strategy! That my friends is called L-U-C-K.
We eat junk food & play whatever game we can agree on. Usually someone gets their feelings hurt by the end of the night from losing & we have to call it a night. This is usually the same person who ribs those losing when they are in the lead. It is quite comical.
When I was a child & we played games, my dad cheated. Then that was passed down to my older brother. I have never mastered the art of cheating. The best I can do is when we play Uno & I lay down an extra card. I am sure my family is going to read this & be keeping a close eye on me in the future.
Not many people sit down to a meal together, much less have a game night. We have a small apartment so no dining table. However, we all sit together in the living room & talk about our day while we eat or watch a movie. We are together nonetheless.
We always ate dinner together when I was a child. We prayed before we ate & enjoyed small talk with dinner. Then it was time for dishes & then bed. I am glad we did that when I was a child. It is that close togetherness that children need. I think it makes them feel loved & secure.
Family is all we have at the end of the day anyhow.
I cannot believe it is already July! That means only about a month until school starts again. Andrea will be in the 8th grade & Makaila will be in the 3rd. Before we know it, Andrea will be driving & then dating. Ugh! So not ready for that one bit.
This July we have not had much excitement. Since we are so dry, we did not get a 4th of July show. Usually they have fireworks at the park & we sit in the parking lot of one of the churches close by. This year they did a laser light show & from what I understood, you had to actually be inside of the park to see it. Which stinks.
We have been experiencing 3 digit weather & with no rain, it has been pretty bad. We had a month of fires, which to me, seem to have tapered off. Hopefully people around here are using their noggins when grilling & smoking cigarettes outside.
The girls have been laying around watching movies, going to the park & swimming. We went camping at the end of June with my parents & it was quite fun! We got to spend time with my brothers & their families. JD has been keeping the kids during the day & umpiring in the evening & weekends. He had a few weeks off except for weekend tournaments & the season just started full-swing again.
I hope & pray everyone is having a safe & happy summer. Enjoy it while it lasts!
All engulfing
Managing
The price we pay
Healing
Good for us
More than emotion
Common
Sharing
A natural reaction
Long
Learning to live without
Heart-rending
Inevitable
Work
Part of Life
A unique challenge
Like a river
A journey
The agony
Cruel
No longer forbidden
Normal
Like a tsunami
I have a gift. I did not want this gift, it meant suffering and pain. The pain came because of love. A love which had manifested itself in a child. The child brought its love to me and asked for my love. Sometimes I did not understand this. Sometimes I did not appreciate it. Sometimes I was too busy to listen quietly to this love. But the love persisted; it was always there.
One day the child died. But the love remained. This time the love came in other forms. This time there were memories; there was sadness and anguish. And unbeleivable pain.
One day a stranger came and stood with me. The stranger listened and occasionally spoke. The stranger said "I understand", and did. You see the stranger had also been this way. We talked and cried together. The stranger touched me to comfort. The stranger became my friend as no other had. My friend said "I am always here", and was.
One day I lifted my head. I noticed another grieving, grey and drawn with pain. I approached and spoke. I touched and comforted. I said, "I will walk with you", and did.
I also had the gift.
author-Joe Lawley, is the co-founder parent of The Compassionate Friends.
Milliseconds away
Not an optionPersonal
An illusion
Sleep
Not dying
A mystery
Sought
Not glamorousReal
Different
Silent
Not the end
Just the beginning
In store
Not dull
A familiar tragedy
Inevitable
Oddly life enhancing
Not the same
The road to awe
Death is a part of Life. You can't have life without death. Grief is death's best friend. Grief likes to torture us & give us headaches. We all lose & grieve in our lifetime. Some not to the extent as others, but we all experience it one way or another.
I know you have read me say this before, but grief is like a punch in the gut, it takes your breath away. Some days it feels like you are going to die yourself. You are thinking your heart just cannot take anymore or it will explode!
When I hear someone has lost a baby or child, it tears at my heartstrings. More now than it did before my own loss. I use to only be able to say "I can only imagine". Now, I can say "I know".
I never try to compare my grief or my feelings to another person's, as they may not feel the same way I did at that moment. I know grief is grief, but I do not think one should say to another "I know how you feel". Really? How do you know? Yes, you have been at the same crossroad & have had the same outcome, but you do not know how that person is feeling. I say wait it out & if they talk to you & their feelings are in fact the same as yours once were, then I think it is safe to say you know. You never want to downplay someone else's grief, nor make it your own.
In the beginning I cried day & night. Everything set me off. I would beg for God to hurry up & let six months pass. My thinking was, in six months I will be over this. I will be better & I can start over. Not everyone prays for life to pass them by when they lose someone. Some do not cry day & night.
I have met a few mothers who have just wanted to hurry & have another child & seem to be fine with that. Yes, they have bad days & are sad, but not to the extent of losing it right there in front of me. They are cool & calm, not the way I would say I had handled it. I never held back. If I was having a panic attack or just needed to bawl, I started right then & there. I did not want another child & I knew for me, it would not help me one bit in doing so. I needed to just be left alone to grieve with my husband.
I do not grieve the same way as I did 4-years ago, but I still grieve. I know that I have since been blessed with a precious baby boy, but that will never take away my pain & sorrow. My heart is scarred & will never be healed. It can be ripped open at any moment & I will grieve again. I just know how to live with grief in my life now. It will never go away while I am alive here on earth & I am okay with that, now.
Today I pray for peace & comfort for parents & grandparents who have lost their baby/grand-baby or child/grandchild. It is devastating & not something anyone of us would wish on our worst enemy. I would wish crabs or something, but not for their child to be taken by death.
I was given a dream, a future that started planning in my mind.I was given a miracle, a bundle of love I was supposed to have for the rest of my time.I was given these thoughts of security and peace.I was given the sense to feel, kicks and flutters of your tiny feet.I was given my heart, another beat under my own.You, my little boy, were supposed to be mine to love have and hold.As I waited for you I got your room ready.I picked your name and started planning.I was getting anxious for you, waiting for your cries.I wanted your little finger wrapped around mine.I wanted to take the weight from my belly and have it put in my arms.I wanted to nurse you and make you so strong.The day I woke up and couldn't feel you move, I knew something wasn't right.I went to get your daddy and we drove as fast as we could with nothing but you in our minds.Thinking that when we got there we would her your heart pound,but when we got there we heard nothing, not a flinch, not a sound.When we saw you on the screen as still as could be,It tore out my core out and that was when I lost me.I could feel a piece of you leave as I screamed for someone to help.You left me in that scream and to my knees I fell.You were created with so much love, I thought that it was enough to make Him let you stay.I keep replaying what I did wrong and how I could have changed that day.I would have given my life for you, if I knew you were leaving me, if I had the chance.I would have taken your place if only He would have asked.I don't want to be without you and somehow I am labeled a survivor.Hopefully God you will forgive me for calling you my Indian Giver.Written by Nichole Cavote
Today marks the beginning of summer break for my girls & JD, even though school ended for him a few weeks ago. Now it is time for sleeping in, movie marathons, barbies, swimming pool time & staying up late.
I remember carefree summers. Granted it is nothing like it use to be. We stayed out late with the neighborhood kids playing hide-n-go seek in the dark & tag by porch light. I remember catching locus & collecting their dried skin stuck to the trees. Locus freak me out now though & we really do not have as many as we use to have. I wish my girls could enjoy those times with my 11 year-old self. Wouldn't that be something?
I love my hubby working part-time right now because he gets his own bonding time with his children. Granted, in a few weeks he may be begging for "free time"...lol! I love that he watches the baby when I am at work so we do not have to put him in the hands of strangers, aka daycare (it is that fear thing I talked about in my last post). I know with JD, Crispin is getting 100% of his attention & he is taken very good care of. I am a little jealous, but I know when JD gets done with school I plan to cut back on work to be with the children & hopefully get us all into volunteering somewhere.
I pray our summer is not filled with the dryness we have been experiencing right now, especially because of all of the fires we have been experiencing. They are talking about not having a firework show this year because of all the fires. Safety first! I pray for each & everyone of you to have an awesome & safe summer.
Time really does fly by when you are having fun! Where does it go, no one knows.
I remember thinking about all the things my girls would do when they were babies, like rolling over, walking, talking, but with Crispin it is different. I am not sure if it is because he is the last baby JD & I will have or if it is from knowing how fast a life can end. No matter how long or short it is.
Instead, I have woken myself, as well as JD, during the middle of the night to make sure Crispin is still breathing, that he is not too hot or too cold. That he has his paci or just to put him bed with us. When I go to the store I look around to make sure some crazy person is not about to jump out & steal my baby from me & make him their own.
One night, after our late night nursing session, I woke to find that Crispin was smashed up against me with the covers over his head. I pulled the covers back & touched his face, thinking it would startle him enough to make his hand move. But nothing. So, I lifted his hand up & it fell back down to the bed like he had been t.k.o.'d. I did this three more times all with the same result. I turned his head over to look at me, but that did nothing. Soon I had him uncovered & was shaking him a little. By this time I had startled JD & he was telling me he was fine & to look at his chest rising & falling. Sure enough he was because by now he was awake & ticked off! I just laid there laughing at myself.
I know he is a happy, healthy, 16.6 pound baby who loves his mama & is best friends with his daddy. Who loves his sisters & their crazy ways. Who loves to nurse, talk & smile, not always in that order. So, for now I will Praise Jesus for blessing me with my sweet precious boy & my beautiful little girls. I will enjoy their precious moments, for I know one day I will miss this.
The Princess
The Duchess
The Prince
Yesterday was Mother's Day & I had a blessed day!
The girls & I went to church. We enjoyed great praise & worship music & heard a great sermon. After church they made some homemade Mother's Day cards.
I went to eat dinner with my mom, sister-in-love, my grandma, my aunt Na & my cousin. Every year my mom treats us all to dinner. The last couple of years we have went to Texas Roadhouse. We chat with one another & enjoy great food. Later that evening my little brother took my mom & I to Ruby Tequila's. That was really nice as well.
I could not help it, but there was one thing that stuck in my mind the whole day was mothers without their children & children without their mothers.
I am blessed to have had two beautiful healthy girls before my precious Nehemiah came into & back out of our lives. I am blessed to still have my beautiful mother to celebrate Mother's Day with & her mother, who if it weren't for her I would not have my mother. I am also blessed to have a new baby boy to celebrate Mother's Day with.
My heart aches to think that one day my mother will not be here to celebrate our special day. Or that God could call another one of my children home to be with Him. I have to try not to think about these things & enjoy the time I have with each of them now. Just as I am sure when Father's Day approaches I will have these same thoughts, fathers without their children & children without their fathers.
I do believe with all of my heart that whether you have 15 children or 1, you are a mother or father. I also believe if any of those children, or all for that matter, were to be called home, you are still a mother or a father. Just the same as you are still someone's child if your parents are called home. It does not make us feel better, but hopefully brings peace knowing that one day we will never have to go a day without the one(s) we love.
I pray daily for my friends & family who are without their parents &/or children. It is tough to go on living feeling like you are not complete no matter how many years go by or how many children you have. Something will always be missing.
So for now we must make the best of the time we have & make new memories, remember the ones & just live life the way the ones we are missing would have wanted us to live it.
Happy Mother's Day After!
What a blast the walk was this year!
We did not have nearly as many people walk with us as last year, but we had quite a few new walkers. It started out windy & cool & actually turned into a pretty nice day.
My team, Team Nehemiah, raised $527.26! When I got everything started we only had 8 weeks left to get some money collected. We did not raise as much as last year, but we did meet our goal of $500.00!
I get so envious of other family teams who bring in $1,000's of dollars, but I have to remind myself that I am just starting out. Some of the family teams have been doing this a while & have got their supporters already lined up. I am praying that next year I can get my teammates more involved so we can get some more donations.
I know the walk for babies is not only about the monetary donations, it also about getting awareness out there that women need prenatal care & babies do need to be vaccinated. I would not have had the option for a 1st Trimester Screening had it not been for the March of Dimes & without that I might have stressed myself out into having a preemie baby instead of my 6lb 12 1/2oz healthy baby boy.
March of Dimes is my passion! Be on the lookout for posts in the future about fundraising & we can save some babies together!
Gracie, Laci, JD, Bo, Dad, Anthony, Mom, Lisa, Debbie, Kasi, Jillian, Priscilla, Me/Crispin,
Cadence, KK, Carson, Myka, Eli, Arianna, AB, Xavier
Mom, dad, Kasi, JD, Me/Crispin, Andrea,
Carson, Cadence & KK
This is for you son!
It is just 3 1/2 weeks away until the March of Dimes' March for Babies. I got a late start this year, which made me feel a little overwhelmed about a week ago. So, I put my thinking cap on & started plotting fundraiser ideas.
This past weekend my eldest daughter & I had our bake sale. We had typed up a letter detailing why we walk & asked each mother & daughter to bake something & then help us hold a bake sale to raise money. We had a great turn out! Two of my daughter's teachers even chipped in.
This always makes me feel great that I can do something like this. I don't raise thousands of dollars like some family teams are able to, but hopefully one day I can. To help with funding research to save the life of a baby born too soon or keep a baby from being born too soon or to stop a baby from being born with a birth defect, that is my passion!
