Capture Your Grief Day 18 - Release

Release - My release comes on the day we celebrate our sweet angel, October 18th. Every year we release balloons with messages, but last year our area was out of helium and we lit sparklers instead. This year my mom got a helium tank so we did both. Here is our balloons being released this evening.

I caught this screenshot here.....notice the date & time?

Capture Your Grief Day 17 - Time

Time - 6yrs ago today we went in for a routine 20week checkup. We were expecting to set up an ultrasound to find out the gender of our baby. We were not expecting to be unable to find a heartbeat on the doppler, to sit in a waiting room for 2hrs waiting for a sonographer to get us in, to see our lifeless baby on a black & white monitor, to have our Dr come in to tell us we the baby may have passed 1 1/2weeks before, that I would need to deliver within the next few days. But those are all the things we heard. I will remember this day the rest of my life. 

Capture Your Grief Day 16 - Season

Season - My son was born still 2 weeks before my birthday. Up until last year, I did not want to celebrate my birthday because I thought it was unfair that I got to celebrate something my son never will. I love the holidays though. When I am hurting I love to have family around, so those days were not affected.

Capture Your Grief Day 15 - Wave of Light

Wave of Light - For the last 7 years a sweet woman in our area holds a candle light vigil at our local park. She started this in 2007 after she lost her sweet baby boy. We are very thankful for her generosity to come put every year and let us remember our babies together. She has candles, snacks, balloons and give always. This was our 6th vigil for our sweet Nehemiah. 

Capture Your Grief Day 14 - Family

This is our family of 6.
It consists of Dad, Mom, Big Sisters Andrea & Makaila, our Angel Nehemiah, and our Rainbow Crispin. We are a happy family. We love to have fun & be silly.
We think about our precious angel often and talk about him when we do.
The 18th of this month will be his 6th angelversary.

Capture Your Grief Day 13 - Book

A Silent Love by Adrienne Ryan. This is a beautiful book of other mother's experiences in loss. It was very helpful. I purchased it off of Amazon.com.

Capture Your Grief Day 12 - Article

 This was a blog I read not long after my loss. It is Bring The Rain.

It is a wonderful blog.

Capture Your Grief Day 11 - Triggers

 I had issues with Baby Showers and Baby Boys when I initially went through my loss. This one is my main trigger now.

Capture Your Grief Day 10 - Beliefs

I believe that Jesus died on the cross for our sins & will be returning one day soon to retrieve His people. 

I believe that when a small child passes, they are received in heaven. One day I will be reunited with my sweet angel baby. 

Matthew 19:14 Jesus said, Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.

Capture Your Grief Day 9 - Music

 I do believe music soothes the soul & brings joy to the heart. The lyrics speak for me perfectly that is why I chose it. Since my baby was stillborn, he never saw my face.

Capture Your Grief Day 8 - Color

Blue is the color I associate with my baby boy, Nehemiah. Blue is a masculine color & the color most associated with having a boy. The sky is clear this morning & the most beautiful color of blue.

Capture Your Grief Day 7 - You Now

This is me my rainbow baby. I know Nehemiah picked him out especially for us.

I have come a long way in my 6 years on this walk. 

I am happy and blessed, even though I know a piece of my heart is missing. 

Capture Your Grief Day 6 - Ritual

1Thessalonians 5:17-18

Since my loss I have found that I pray more than I had in my lifetime. My relationship with God is stronger and I thank Him daily for my sweet angel Nehemiah.

Capture Your Grief Day 5 - Memory

At my 12 week appointment we could not find a heartbeat, so I was sent for a sonogram. 

This is my favorite memory because he was moving around and waving at us. 
Little did we know we would only have 8 weeks left with him. 

Capture Your Grief Day 4 - Strength

Nehemiah's legacy is our strength. 

Our journey has been rough, but it has only made us stronger.

Captue Your Grief Day 3 - Myth

One of the myths I heard after our loss is "Time will heal your heart".

Once something has been broken or torn apart, it can never be completely whole again.

The bandaid represents how we hold it together, but how easy it can come apart again.

Capture Your Grief Day 2 - Identity

When I was a young teenager I was reading my bible and started reading the book of Nehemiah. He was so strong and hardworking and had a love for God. I just knew from that moment I was going to name my future son Nehemiah. I have always liked the name Christopher, so I just put the two together.

When I saw my precious son for the first time, he was absolutley perfect! He was fully developed from his head to his toes. He had beautiful lips and the cutest little ears and nose. I breaks my heart that no sound ever passed those beautiful lips and his eyes never saw my face while he was here on earth, but I know he makes beautiful sounds in heaven singing with the angels. and warms my heart that his first sight was of Jesus recieving him.

Nehemiah means: Comforted by God. How fitting that I would be drawn to this name reading my bible and picking it out for my future son. God knew I would have a stillborn baby and He lead me to this name.  

Capture Your Grief Day 1 - Sunrise

Sunrises are a reminder from God that we are alive and blessed with another day!

Blog Slacker

I am such a blog slacker! I have not written anything on here in months and lots has happened.

I just realized today that we only have 1 day left of September and then we begin October. October is a busy month for our family. 

Our local hospital will be hosting Walk to Remember on Saturday, October 5th at Memorial Park; October 15th is the World Wide Candle Light Vigil; October 18th we celebrate/remember our sweet angel, Nehemiah, for our 6th year in a row; October 21st my sweet girl, Andrea, turns 16. 

I plan on posting in my blog the Capture Your Grief Challenge that I did last year.  I had so much fun and it was actually therapeutic. "It doesn’t matter whether you are only a week into this walk or you have been walking this road for 50 years, all are welcome to join in."

Andrea had foot surgery almost 2 weeks ago to remove a cyst. However, there was nothing there when the doctor opened her foot up. Is she healed? Even the doctor does not know. We will have to wait and see.

Three weeks ago JD and I have began going to church together on Wednesday night to hear the book of Job. He is really excited about going and I pray everyday he continues in his excitement. We have tried doing things together this past year only to let Satan intervene and then we end up quitting. He says once Crispin is willing to stay in the nursery he will attend Sunday morning with the girls and I. 

Last weekend was Pure Rebellion out our church. This is the most radical event I have ever attended. I highly recommend everyone attend this if it is ever in your area. There were a few skits and one I recorded and put up on YouTube. This event is not just for youth, I was touched by the testimonies that were given that night.

I pray for blessings upon you all as I end this post this evening. 

Prayer Flag ~ 2013

There is a lovely lady name Carly Marie, who like myself, is a mom of an angel named Christian. She writes names in the sand on the beach in Australia and she also started August 19th International Day of Hope. You can read more here about the event, as well as Christian's story.

This year I decided to participate by making a prayer flag to hang up somewhere special on August 19th.

Here is a little story behind what I chose to do for my theme for my prayer flag:

When I first started telling my co-workers that I was pregnant, a dear lady I work with bought me a blue and white stripped onesie, as well as a card to indicate what she believed I was carrying. 

Unfortunately, we never got to use the onesie on our sweet baby. So, I thought what better way to honor my baby then to use the special onesie for the base for my prayer flag.

The open heart represents my heart. 

The angel inside represents Nehemiah.

 The sparrow represents freedom.

My sweet angel is free from a world of hate and destruction.

Of course I had to put his name and birth date.

The stars represent lights of hope. Hope that one day I will be with 

my sweet baby and Jesus in Heaven.

The finished product!

Next year I plan to make another one and invite my family to help or make their own. I self taught myself to hand-stitch and all of the letters, the outline of the bird and the heart are all my handy work. The "N" is an iron-on that I stitched on with the buttons. I think I did a pretty good job. :)