I have started this post three different times today. Getting a few sentences out & then realizing that I was rambling or what I had written had no meaning. So, here I start again & decided to go a different route.
I always thought that after my loss I would always be there for my friends & family if they were to ever face the same ordeal of losing a child. However, I have found this tough & not as easy to comfort someone as I had originally thought. I feel absolutely helpless, but I hope that I do have the right words when the time comes. I know that my loss has meaning whether that is to help someone else out or to show what love I have for our Lord even through such great tragedy.
Today I went to the memorial of a sweet baby girl whose life was short & brief, yet has brought so much to my life & I know for many others who were following her story as well. She grew in her mother's womb for 32 weeks with a birth defect that we prayed would not take her life. We prayed that she would be healed & live a normal life. We prayed she would be used to show us how to fight. Unfortunately, God had another plan.
I had never been to a memorial for an infant & it was quite an experience, as well as heartbreaking. The pastor spoke of this baby as if she had lived for 32 years. It was comforting & he said some things that my husband said he had needed to hear.
Her parents are strong & steady. Letting the Lord lead them & turning to Him for comfort. This is how He wants it. He wants us when we are at our weakest. When we are at our lowest. When we are at our darkest. He loves us & knows what we can handle.
Right now it is not understandable why we must endure so much pain. In the end the reasoning will be shown to us.
My prayer today is for all of those mommies & daddies who not able to hold their babies in their arms; for peace & comfort as they must go on living with a piece of their heart missing. To one day know this too will be made right.
Oh how I L.O.V.E. Family Game Nights!
We bought a used Wii with our income tax & when we have a few extra dollars we go to the used games shop & buy a game to try out on game night. Or we play Yahtzee, which is my favorite game. I manage to win & I actually have no kind of strategy! That my friends is called L-U-C-K.
We eat junk food & play whatever game we can agree on. Usually someone gets their feelings hurt by the end of the night from losing & we have to call it a night. This is usually the same person who ribs those losing when they are in the lead. It is quite comical.
When I was a child & we played games, my dad cheated. Then that was passed down to my older brother. I have never mastered the art of cheating. The best I can do is when we play Uno & I lay down an extra card. I am sure my family is going to read this & be keeping a close eye on me in the future.
Not many people sit down to a meal together, much less have a game night. We have a small apartment so no dining table. However, we all sit together in the living room & talk about our day while we eat or watch a movie. We are together nonetheless.
We always ate dinner together when I was a child. We prayed before we ate & enjoyed small talk with dinner. Then it was time for dishes & then bed. I am glad we did that when I was a child. It is that close togetherness that children need. I think it makes them feel loved & secure.
Family is all we have at the end of the day anyhow.
I cannot believe it is already July! That means only about a month until school starts again. Andrea will be in the 8th grade & Makaila will be in the 3rd. Before we know it, Andrea will be driving & then dating. Ugh! So not ready for that one bit.
This July we have not had much excitement. Since we are so dry, we did not get a 4th of July show. Usually they have fireworks at the park & we sit in the parking lot of one of the churches close by. This year they did a laser light show & from what I understood, you had to actually be inside of the park to see it. Which stinks.
We have been experiencing 3 digit weather & with no rain, it has been pretty bad. We had a month of fires, which to me, seem to have tapered off. Hopefully people around here are using their noggins when grilling & smoking cigarettes outside.
The girls have been laying around watching movies, going to the park & swimming. We went camping at the end of June with my parents & it was quite fun! We got to spend time with my brothers & their families. JD has been keeping the kids during the day & umpiring in the evening & weekends. He had a few weeks off except for weekend tournaments & the season just started full-swing again.
I hope & pray everyone is having a safe & happy summer. Enjoy it while it lasts!
All engulfing
Managing
The price we pay
Healing
Good for us
More than emotion
Common
Sharing
A natural reaction
Long
Learning to live without
Heart-rending
Inevitable
Work
Part of Life
A unique challenge
Like a river
A journey
The agony
Cruel
No longer forbidden
Normal
Like a tsunami
I have a gift. I did not want this gift, it meant suffering and pain. The pain came because of love. A love which had manifested itself in a child. The child brought its love to me and asked for my love. Sometimes I did not understand this. Sometimes I did not appreciate it. Sometimes I was too busy to listen quietly to this love. But the love persisted; it was always there.
One day the child died. But the love remained. This time the love came in other forms. This time there were memories; there was sadness and anguish. And unbeleivable pain.
One day a stranger came and stood with me. The stranger listened and occasionally spoke. The stranger said "I understand", and did. You see the stranger had also been this way. We talked and cried together. The stranger touched me to comfort. The stranger became my friend as no other had. My friend said "I am always here", and was.
One day I lifted my head. I noticed another grieving, grey and drawn with pain. I approached and spoke. I touched and comforted. I said, "I will walk with you", and did.
I also had the gift.
author-Joe Lawley, is the co-founder parent of The Compassionate Friends.
Milliseconds away
Not an optionPersonal
An illusion
Sleep
Not dying
A mystery
Sought
Not glamorousReal
Different
Silent
Not the end
Just the beginning
In store
Not dull
A familiar tragedy
Inevitable
Oddly life enhancing
Not the same
The road to awe
Death is a part of Life. You can't have life without death. Grief is death's best friend. Grief likes to torture us & give us headaches. We all lose & grieve in our lifetime. Some not to the extent as others, but we all experience it one way or another.
I know you have read me say this before, but grief is like a punch in the gut, it takes your breath away. Some days it feels like you are going to die yourself. You are thinking your heart just cannot take anymore or it will explode!
When I hear someone has lost a baby or child, it tears at my heartstrings. More now than it did before my own loss. I use to only be able to say "I can only imagine". Now, I can say "I know".
I never try to compare my grief or my feelings to another person's, as they may not feel the same way I did at that moment. I know grief is grief, but I do not think one should say to another "I know how you feel". Really? How do you know? Yes, you have been at the same crossroad & have had the same outcome, but you do not know how that person is feeling. I say wait it out & if they talk to you & their feelings are in fact the same as yours once were, then I think it is safe to say you know. You never want to downplay someone else's grief, nor make it your own.
In the beginning I cried day & night. Everything set me off. I would beg for God to hurry up & let six months pass. My thinking was, in six months I will be over this. I will be better & I can start over. Not everyone prays for life to pass them by when they lose someone. Some do not cry day & night.
I have met a few mothers who have just wanted to hurry & have another child & seem to be fine with that. Yes, they have bad days & are sad, but not to the extent of losing it right there in front of me. They are cool & calm, not the way I would say I had handled it. I never held back. If I was having a panic attack or just needed to bawl, I started right then & there. I did not want another child & I knew for me, it would not help me one bit in doing so. I needed to just be left alone to grieve with my husband.
I do not grieve the same way as I did 4-years ago, but I still grieve. I know that I have since been blessed with a precious baby boy, but that will never take away my pain & sorrow. My heart is scarred & will never be healed. It can be ripped open at any moment & I will grieve again. I just know how to live with grief in my life now. It will never go away while I am alive here on earth & I am okay with that, now.
Today I pray for peace & comfort for parents & grandparents who have lost their baby/grand-baby or child/grandchild. It is devastating & not something anyone of us would wish on our worst enemy. I would wish crabs or something, but not for their child to be taken by death.
