Happy 3rd Angelversary!

It was rather draining this year for some reason. I do not want my son to feel I have forgotten him just because we are expecting another baby boy.

This year we went to the park next to our apartment & released balloons.
Here are a few pictures to share:

Happy 3rd Angelversary!

It honestly does not feel like we lost you 3 years ago. I still remember everything from the day we received our devastating news to the next day you were born into this world.

I was honestly afraid to see you, but you were beautiful! You had ten fingers & toes, your ears where formed on the side of your head along with your nose on your face & your lips were slightly parted. Your eyes were still sealed tightly as you never got to open them & look us in the face.

I was too scared to pick you up for fear that you would fall apart, so I just touched you everywhere & talked to you. Sometimes I wish I had had the nurse put you in my arms. Your skin was soft & clean from having been bathed. The little cards they gave us with your footprints are a reminder that you were here.

We love you son & will never forget you.

Love Always,
Mommy, Daddy, Andrea, Makaila & Crispin

Nehemiah's Story

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

For those of you in the Amarillo area, today is the official Pregnancy & Infant Loss Candle Light Vigil.

It is held annually at Medi Park on Streit Street at 7pm. Come out & remember your precious angel or if you know someone who has lost a baby come out for them. There is a balloon release following.

If you cannot make it out to the park, light a candle at 7pm & let it burn for one hour for a continuous wave of light.

Upcoming Angelversary

Hi All:
As you know Monday, October 18th will be Nehemiah's 3rd Birthday/Angelversary.

This year we would like everyone to pick 3 things you can do to honor our sweet angel. Some ideas would be write a letter to an old friend, pray for someone, make a donation, light a candle, release a balloon, etc.

Once you have completed your tasks we would like for you to send us a message listing the tasks that were performed, this is optional.

Thank you to each & everyone of you who have supported us these past 3 years. We appreciate you all.

God Bless,

How Come No One Understands Me?

The post title is a question I have heard from other grieving mothers, as well as, "What is wrong with people?" or "Just let me be, I will get over this on my own!". I have been this mother.

I have had something spark inside me over the past few days & noticed that as a parent of a baby angel people are not always out to get me or not understanding. Their thinking is just not the same as mine & maybe the words they choose to share are really not about coming off as an attack or to say, "Get over it already". Maybe they just really do not know what to say or since they do not understand, they think they are just trying to be consoling.

I have felt at times that people are telling me that they do not want to be a part of my grieving or remembering & that they think I should just get help or move on. I know that is probably not at all what they were saying.

Also, there may be times when someone has tried to be there & their actions were taken the wrong way & then feelings were hurt. As a grieving parent sometimes we may have to let someone else grieve with us or even for us. I have had instances of both acts of kindness taken as selfish acts & selfish acts taken as selfish acts:

After giving birth & having to do an emergency procedure to stop the bleeding, I got moved to a private room of the labor & delivery ward. Some of my husband's biological family from his father's side showed up, these are people whom we never speak to. We had been to a dance they attended at least eleven years prior & they attended our wedding seven years before, but my husband had not had a relationship with these people since he was a small child. I took this as a sign of selfishness. I mean, did they expect to see a show or something? How can you show up at a traumatic moment after no communication what so ever? Later we found out that my mother-in-law had called them, but my feelings were hurt. This particular incident has been forgiven. I know these women were only there to comfort & show support.

Then my mom & JD had each left to go take showers & eat some relatives showed up to see me. I had barely woke up myself. My mother-in-law was showing them the beautiful box the hospital donated with photos of Nehemiah, which I had not seen yet, a blanket, a card signed by all the nurses & some cards with his hand prints on them. All of a sudden the woman starts crying, LITERALLY, about how she may never get to have kids of her own & she will be stuck with her stepson as her only child. I just played like I was asleep, praying for either my mom or JD to show up & get them out of my room. I was so heartbroken! This particular incident, I have not gotten over.

Then there is the one who thinks they have to be "The Rock". Well honey let me tell you, you are not anyone's rock until you have cried with them. There was a time when I thought my husband was not human, when he did not cry or talk about his feelings. He would always just sit & console me. Well that just made me feel like I was getting on his nerves or I was going to bring him down. When he finally cried for me & let me console him, that was when I realized we were a rock for each other.

October

We are entering our third year of having an angel baby. It has gotten easier to bear, but our hearts still ache for our little baby boy. Not too many people ask me questions anymore & sometimes I feel like people have forgotten or think because we are expecting & because this baby is a boy, that we have forgotten or just gotten over Nehemiah. Not by a long shot!

This month is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. So on October 15th we plan to go to Medi Park for the 4th annual Candle Light Vigil @ 7pm.
I have not planned anything for his birthday yet. Last year we gave out Forget Me Not seed packets with a picture of his hands & a poem & the four of us released balloons.

I ask that each one of you light a candle on the 15th for all the angels. Let it burn for one hour for a continuous wave of light.