Happy 2nd Birthday/Angelversary
Nehemiah Christopher Reyna!
We love you & miss you dear boy.
The four of us plan to go to Medi Park today & release balloons with messages. We will feed the ducks as well. It is hard to imagine that 2 years have gone by. During this time it has gotten easier. Not to say we are totally over this love, it is still hard to see newborn babies & to see babies at the age he would be.
I have tried picturing how he would look. When my oldest daughter Andrea was born, she had thin pink lips, hair covering her body from head to toe & the hair on her head was as black as night & thick as could be. She never lost her hair as most babies do, so it grew out nice & long. She has dark eyes, you cannot even see the pupil. She has her daddy's nose & ears (hopefully they won't get as big) & she has my smile. I have literally walked into a room & smiled & had people say, "We know who you are here for...Andrea your mom's here!". She has really long toes & fingers & she is 5'2 at 11 years old. We need to get her into playing basketball. She is really smart & talented. She may become a singer/songwriter. She use to make up the best & silliest songs. Or she could become president one day..she is bossy! Ask her cousins & her sister. She loves to talk, especially on the phone, so she may become a public speaker. Over the years we have kept a little binder for school & one question it asks is "What do you want to become when you grow up?", for the first two years she has custodian in it...lol For now she wants to be a doctor. I guess we will wait & see.
When Makaila was born, she had a full set of pink lips & she had hair from her head to her toes. Her hair was thinner & a little lighter than her sister's had been. Her hair fell out in the back & on the sides, so she had a baby mo-hawk for a while. The funny thing I remember about her hair though is when it grew back in it looked layered & it got lighter. She has golden streaks along her hairline & streaks running through it. People would stop me & ask if I had her hair cut into layers & added highlights. She has natural waves & body. This girl has the best hair ever, excluding the two cowlicks in the back that go in opposite directions, so I have to make sure & comb it wet to make sure it lays down. Her eyes are not so dark, more of a topaz color. She has her daddy's dimples. But her smile is a little different, it is radiating! Sometimes if I am mad & she smiles at me, it makes me stop being mad. She loves animals & dressing up (& going topless at the same time). Right now she is at that stage where she wants to do what sister does & sister gets rather annoyed by it. I just have to sit back & laugh as it is a little like dej a vu. She is silly & loves to be the clown. She loves to be called Beethoven & pretend to be a puppy. She is very smart as well & loves to read. She is girly yet holds her own at the same time. She is petite, where her sister has always been one of the tallest in her class, but she has a rather big head like her cousins (you know who you are..lol). She is in love with John Cena & wants to marry him one day. Or she may be the next Taylor Swift, as she knows all of the words to her songs & loves to sing.
So, when I try to imagine Nehemiah, I always wonder if he would have had his daddy's ears or nose. Would he have had a full head of hair that was dark or light. Would he have the thin layer of hair on his body & long eye lashes like his sisters do? Would his skin tone be olive like his oldest sister or a little paler like his middle sister? Would he like to sing or play football? Would he have been a mama's boy or a daddy's boy? Would he fight with his sisters or would they have babied him? Would his eyes be dark or light? I usually imagine him looking like a little JD & laughing as loud as Makaila & Andrea giving him piggyback rides.
We miss you little one & only hope we make you proud!
Love,
Mommy, Daddy, Andrea & Makaila
P.S. October 15th was Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. We went out to the candlelight vigil & I read two poems. I could not believe I had actually gotten up there to read them, but I had taken a look around the circle & that gave me the courage to do it. Originally I was going to read just one, I'll Be There, but a friend of mine had asked me to read the poem "Somebody" that I had posted earlier. I did not write either of these poems, but I love to share ones I find on the world wide web. It was a really nice night. Not too cold & the candles stayed lit. There were more people there this year than last year.
Not only is October Breast Cancer Awareness Month, it is also Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. In our area they do not make a big deal about PIL as they do Breast Cancer & that makes me want to do something about it. Unfortunately we have not been able to attend any of the Group Grief Sessions as my part-time work schedule is not as flexible as I had hoped, but I plan to get with them to see how or what we can do to promote more.
October 15th is the designated day to remember our babies. Please light a candle starting at 7pm & let it burn for one hour. If we all do this it will produce a continuous wave of light.
We have a few other things planned this month as well, as this month was the month God gave us our little angel. To recap a little: October 17, 2007 was the day we got the most devastating news any parent dreads hearing & we delivered our special angel on October 18, 2007. This year the girls & I are going to donate our hair to the Locks of Love in memory of Nehemiah. We are not too sure what we will be doing on Sunday the 18th, but the four of us will be making it all about Nehemiah. I plan to send a little something in the mail to each person in my family to have as a reminder of this special baby who they never got to meet.
*Somebody
Somebody said
it was all for the best,
that something was probably wrong.
Somebody said
it was meant to be,
Different verse,
same miserable song.
Somebody said,
"You can have another!"
As if that would make it alright.
Somebody said
"It was not a real child."
Somebody's not very bright.
Somebody thinks it is helpful
To say when grieving should end.
Somebody shows their true colors.
Somebody isn't a friend.
But somebody said, "I'm sorry."
And sat quietly by my side.
And somebody shared my sorrow
And held my hand when I cried.
And somebody always listened
And called my lost baby by name.
And somebody understood
That I'd never again be the same.
~Author Unknown
Well, it has been a while since I actually wrote a post on here & thought it might be good to do a post.
Andrea is enjoying the 6th grade & will be 12 on the 21st of October. Makaila, aka Beethoven, is enjoying the 1st grade when she is not getting into trouble for making the other kids laugh. It has already been an interesting school year & it has only just begun.
I am working a part-time job right now which is really helping me clear my head, but also makes me sad to miss hearing how the girls' day went & putting them to bed. On my evening off during the week we spend the evening talking & laughing. They fill me in on everything. I'm off on Sundays which is nice too. We were spending it at the park watching softball, but the season is about over. Beethoven loves watching her daddy play "t-ball" & even asked him if he will still come watch her play "t-ball" when she gets big like him.
As of right now our marriage is complicated in so many ways. I would love to elaborate more than I have already to some, but until we work it out or separate for good, it would only make it that much more awkward/complicated. For anyone who is or has ever contemplated divorce knows what that means. You want to make your own decisions & if you blab your business to everyone then they all want to "help" & it just makes it that much more difficult to decide on your own what to do with judgments flying everywhere. I know sometimes it seems the decisions are so much easier when you are on the outside looking in, but until you are in that position you will never really know how hard it really is. You have what if's & what about's & some believe leaving & giving up would be just so easy.
We aren't two people who met in a bar last night & hooked up. We aren't two people who met online yesterday & think we are soul-mates today. We have history & it is too much history to let go. We have 14 years together & two beautiful daughters. We have been through a lot more in the last two years than people who have together 30 or 40 years together & I honestly am glad it was him who was here with me. But I am also in that place right now that if we do not work out I am okay with that. That I can say I gave it my all & I know it will be hard, but I can move on.
I have really let myself falter & I am not proud about that. I came on here & blogged about giving it up to God in May & by July we were having problems. I know this is a test & I had not been handling myself very well. However, the past couple of weeks I have been putting more & more of this back into God's hands because He is truly the only one who can help us at this point.
All I can ask for now is prayer from everyone as this month itself is going to have road bumps through out.
"Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." Eph. 5:15-20
Here are pictures from
Here KK writing her message of love..
Here Big Sister Drea writing her message of love..
Here I am writing my message of love....
Daddy's balloons & writing his message..
Ready to release our messages of love..
