20 Weeks & Counting

Today is very exciting for us here in the Reyna family! We have officially reached 20 weeks with our healthy kicking blessing!

So far everything has checked out as planned. We go for our next appointment next Tuesday. We are hoping they schedule us an ultrasound so we can find out what we are having.

I have never found out on my children what we were having beforehand. Just relied on buying things in neutral baby colors & a little on mother's intuition.

With Andrea, I wanted a boy so bad, but around 5 or 6 months I started feeling like "he" was going to be a "she". The funny thing about me carrying Andrea was, no one could guess what it was just by the shape of my belly. One day it would be high, the next low, one day a football shape, one day spread out. My mom, who is usually a good guess, could not even tell. Now, my grandma was a different story. When I opened her shower gift she had bought a bunch of dresses from a garage sale. I had asked her what we would do if the baby came out a boy & she just said, "oh, it won't, but if it does we can give those dresses to someone else, but it won't". We had our names picked for both sexes. Nehemiah Christopher if it was a boy & Andrea Denise if was a girl.

With Makaila, I really did not care this time. I was just excited. This time it was different for us in many ways. We were adults now, we were legally married, we had planned to have another baby, we had full-time jobs & we were "experienced". I dreamed about this baby wrapped in a yellow blanket. No one ever said the baby's name & I never knew the gender. When I came out of recovery & saw her for the first time I thought it was dej a vu. She looked just like the baby in my dreams, as well as Andrea did as a newborn. I did not have any kind of intuition. We had to find a girl name anyways just in case. So, we settled on Makaila Jeanine.

When we got pregnant with Nehemiah, we were all the things we were when we planned to have Makaila. From day one I knew this baby was a boy. We had planned to find out on this one. Since this was going to be our last, so we thought "what the hay". Well, that did not go according to plan. But as soon as I delivered, the nurse asked if we had wanted to know the gender. Of course we did & we were told it is a Boy.

Now, this baby...this is a whole other story in & of itself. JD & I had just started talking about getting back together when we conceived this baby. Call it "loss of self control" if you will. Yes, I was on the pill. Yes, I had missed a few, but I had missed a few before & nothing ever came of it. But the day my breasts were so tender I was literally in tears, JD knew. He said they were like that the times before. At first I just laughed & told him he was crazy. I was about to start, well that is what I had thought. So, the next morning, before anyone else got up, I went to the store. I was nervous. I mean, he had just moved in with me & the girls. We were still trying to get everything straightened out to tell our families, we really were not ready for another baby at all! We had already closed the discussion of other children a few months after the loss of Nehemiah.

When I took the test it was like I was 18 again & was going to have to tell our parents. Actually, I had to confirm JD's suspicions. When I told him, he originally was a little upset, but he set me down & told me that maybe this was really God's way of telling him to grow up & get his act together. So, we decided together to wait & tell anyone until we went to the doctor. The number one reason, we were scared out of our minds! What if we told everyone & then we get bad news at our appointment? What if this baby does not make it either?

After a few days though I had to sit JD back down & tell him that I really had good feelings about this pregnancy & that I knew in my heart that everything was going to be just fine with the baby & the two of us. We just have to keep the lines of communication alive & make sure we are not doubting our decision & to not let fear run our lives, marriage, pregnancy, parenting, etc.

So, back to the gender, intuition thingy. I have since day one with this baby felt it is a boy. To be honest though, I really just want a healthy, happy baby. We cannot be picky in life. We take what we are given & we accept the things we cannot change. I will love this baby unconditionally as I do my other babies. I am not giving away my names right now either because a few ladies I know who are pregnant, do not have names & I do not want them to steal.

Now, just to wait & find out when the time comes. Easier said than done!

Broken...

I have worn this little blue/pink rubber bracelet for almost three years. When my husband first gave it to me, I only took it off to shower. Then, I thought "hey this is rubber, leave it on". So I did. I wore it to every function, holiday, party, work, play, lake, pool etc. It was like a part of my arm. It was a remembrance I wore for the little life lost.

One side says "Remembering" & the other side had two tiny foot prints. The little feet rubbed off first. You would not know they were there if I did not tell you. I can still make them out. Tiny toes & all. Then a few weeks ago I noticed that the "B" had a little hole in it. This hole got a bit bigger & bigger, until one I decided I would wear it until it broke off.

Well, wouldn't you know it? I decided to take it off to put it on my bear & it broke! Ugh!
I just stared at the little blue/pink rubber in my hand first & then I cried for a few minutes & then I laughed at myself for getting so upset. Then I started to realize this little piece of me is now broken & can never be put back together....

Broken like my heart has been. A heart that can never be put back together the same as it was before it was broken. Just a simple reminder that we are breakable.



"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,
A broken & a contrite heart--
These, O God, You will not despise" Psalm 51:17

Wanted to post something a little different tonight....

Warning: Grab a Kleenex.
This brought my husband & I both to tears.

MARRIAGE

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outsidethe door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage.Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

A CHRIST-CENTERED MARRIAGE IS A MARRIAGE THAT IS SURE TO LAST A LIFETIME.

"So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate." Matthew 19:6

19 Weeks & School...

We have officially made it to 19 weeks without any complications! Woo hoo!

Praise to God for such a wonderful blessing. The baby's kicks are getting stronger and increasing. Not a lot of fear is running this pregnancy these days. I know we still have a ways to go, but it feels right this time.

The girls started back to school this week and are enjoying it so far, considering it is only Tuesday. The only problems we have faced getting them ready for school is bed time. We have heard "but it is not bedtime, the sun is still out" or "what time is it, bedtime is not until night time & it is still daytime?". We just give the stern look along with, "Go to bed".

Andrea is in 7th grade. She is going out for the volleyball team. I hope she makes the team, either A or B team is good. She played a few years back with Kids Inc and she had fun doing it.
Makaila is in 2nd grade. She wants to join Kids Inc cheer-leading. I think she would have fun doing that. She has already received a birthday party invite and it is from her "boyfriend".
JD has went back to school as well, so he is now working and going to school. He is majoring in computer technology, unless he changes it again. While waiting for his financial aid to go through he changed it three times. I really think he will stick with computers though.

Andrea's birthday is coming up and we have been trying to decide what we can do for her. She is going to be the big 1-3! It makes me feel old thinking about 13 years ago I had her. I can remember going into labor with her and not having her until seven minutes after midnight, all thanks to my big brother for jinxing me! He got a great birthday present that year. I would be so lucky to have a niece or nephew born my birthday. I remember her baby moments. Watching her grow into such a beautiful girl with such an attitude. I know my parents are probably reading this right now and laughing. Dad is probably thinking "like looking in a mirror".

Well, I hope everyone has a great school year!

The Full Original Copy of the Serenity Prayer

by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)

God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

"I will lift up my eyes to the hills--From whence comes my help?
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven & earth." Psalm 121:1-2

Check Up

Wednesday I had my monthly checkup. It went well. The little beaner did not want to be still so we can hear a heartbeat. The nurse would get a read & then the little beaner would move. One time beaner even kicked the Doppler, like to say, "Hey, get that off of me!".

Every appointment we have with the doctor, we hold our breaths until we hear that sweet washing machine sound. I even think my doctor holds her breath along with us. Not too sure when my next sonogram will be, but we have another appointment in 3 weeks. I am sure we will know by then when our next sonogram will be. This Tuesday we will be 18 weeks along, by our next appointment we will be 21 weeks. As soon as I reach that 20 week mark with this little baby still kicking & thriving, I will be able to breathe deeply.

JD & I discuss this often. Both of us scared to be too excited, even though we want so much to be. We understand all too well that no life is guaranteed, no pregnancy is guaranteed to have a happy ending. We may not be able to breathe deeply until we have this little baby put into our arms after taking his/her first breath.

So, for now I will continue to give the glory to God for giving me this little life to carry, nurture & care for until the day he/she makes the great grand entrance into the world.

Grief & Coping

Anytime we lose someone close to us it can be devastating. It can feel like your heart is going to stop beating at a moments notice & you will just crumple into a ball & die yourself.

To "stop" the pain we find things to make us "feel" better. There are some who engross themselves in work, sports, drugs, alcohol, sex; anything to get their mind off of the fact that they will never be able to see that person or talk to that person again. Sometimes forgetting that the world has not stopped just because a life has. Even forgetting those around us who may be in the same pain we are or are there to help. Marriages fall apart from lack of communication. One wants to talk about it, the other wants to move on from it. Siblings can have a falling out if one wants to remember a parent one way & the other one wants to remember them another.

When actually we need to stop, face the pain & let it all out. It does take time & the pain does not stop overnight just because you want it to. Communication is key.

There are 5 stages of grief. The stages do not come in any particular order. The stage may occur more than once. One stage may last longer than the others or you may even experience more than one stage at a time.

1. Denial-"this cannot be happening to me", not crying, not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.
2. Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back, or blaming them for leaving.
3. Bargaining-"I will be a better person if...", attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss, begging for them back.
4. Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, feeling numb, mourning loss of person as well as hopes, dreams & plans for the future, even suicidal thoughts, or thoughts of hurting someone else.
5. Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation & acceptance. You accept the loss not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that the person is gone & that it is not their fault, they did not leave you on purpose. Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort & healing.

What I have learned in my process is talking about it makes me feel better. Anytime I can share a small piece of my little man, I will. I have made a scrapbook to help. It has photos, scriptures & cards of condolences in it. A few months ago I found a Memorial Tear, designed by Kathy Bernu. It is a tear with a rose inside of it. You can hang it on a key chain, wear it on a necklace or carry it in your pocket. Also, at one of our grief sessions we got to pick out a rock to carry in our pockets & it has helped. It is like Nehemiah picked these items just for me to remember him by.

I have also turned to God a lot during my time of grief. Reading has helped me. Unfortunately for me, the only memories I have of Nehemiah are of pictures of him during sonograms, feelings of movement while I was pregnant with him & the photographs the hospital took for me. I did not get my moments with him I had prayed for or dreamed of, but I do cherish what I did have him with.

I hope if any of you are grieving right now, that you remember "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted" Matthew 5:4