Anyone who has ever been pregnant or married to a pregnant woman knows what comes along with the whole deal.
There are those cravings that you have at midnight or crying at commercials or being hot & then cold. What about the gas & indigestion?
I do not like macaroni & cheese, I do not like milk, I do not like to eat cheese straight up; however, I have been craving mac & cheese everyday, I tried milk...it was not disgusting & I have had a hankering for Monterrey Colby Jack cheese....straight up!
Now I know I cannot eat &/or drink all of this everyday or I will be a huge cheese puff & when this baby is ready to come out I will have a chance of delivering a Chester Cheeto. How fun would that be?
I am emotional anyway, but it is about 90% worse when I am pregnant for some reason. I could cry at one thing, but turn around & laugh about something totally different. I have really done good so far, but don't think it has been easy. Especially the previews to that new movie "Charlie St. Cloud" with the hottie Zac Efron! It makes me tear up & I have not even seen the movie.
Then I am hot, then cold, then hot, then cold. It is quite funny to me when this happens. Throwing the covers off onto JD, then pulling them off of him to put them back on me, then throwing them off, then pulling them back on. Probably why I cannot stay asleep at night.
A few weeks ago I woke up at 1:00a.m. & could not go back to sleep all from dreaming about my delicious tostadas...well long story short, we all enjoyed some beef & bean tostadas with all the fixin's at 2:00a.m.! The girls were still up that night watching a movie & after our tummys were full, we went straight to bed. What a night that was! It has not happened since & hopefully it doesn't.
I should just be eating peanut butter, hot dogs & ketchup since that is probably all this baby is going to want to eat. Well, that is what his/her older sisters eat.
Pregnancy can be humorous & that is what makes it all exciting. Even though to those around us we probably work their nerves at times. We have to laugh now before the baby comes & we are too tired, cranky, hungry, stinky...well, you get the idea!
We are on week 14 & 5 days & all seems well & right with the world.
Still giving glory to God for the blessings in my life. Praying daily for this little miracle to stay here with us & be healthy. It is trying at times because of fear. The fear of another loss, the fear of what would come about if we lost this baby, the fear of having to feel the emptiness that comes along with the loss of a baby. However, I have accepted that I will not let fear run my life. It will not take over this pregnancy!
I have some sinus issues & I may lose a nose before long. I have one nostril that likes to run when I am without a tissue, but stops up when I am trying to sleep. I feel like cutting it off of my face. But how funny would I look then if I were to do that. JD tells me it will be all worth it in the end, so I guess I will survive.
Besides my nose being disgusting, I have felt like I can feel this baby move already. That is pretty exciting, yet scary too because I do not feel the baby all of the time so I start to panic a little. I just tell myself that I am not far enough along yet & to enjoy it when I feel the movements.
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I am sorry, but I am going to break in here & ask you all who read my blog to pray for a few people today.
My grandma was admitted to the hospital over the start of the weekend for anemia & has had to receive at least 3 pints of blood since I last spoke with my dad. Not too sure what else they have determined, but just pray that the doctors listen to God for the best treatment. I hope to know more later.
Also, a small family in Dallas that my brother & his family know need prayers for healing & understanding. The wife went in for a DNC only to have it go badly. It seems she has lost 95% of her small intestines, but seems to be physically healing. Just pray for her continued healing & for comfort with their loss as well.
If I can pray for you, please let me know.
"Give ear to my words, O Lord, Consider my my meditation. Give heed to the voice of my cry, My King & my God, For to You I will pray." Psalm 5:1-2
It is difficult to lose a baby at any age or gestation. As a mother of an angel, I have felt like a failure. I would never wish anything like this on anyone no matter what. At times I have felt like it should be up to me who gets to have a baby when I am judging someone who I deem "unfit". But it really is not up to any one of us.
I do not feel like God gives us something just to take it away. He is not like our older brother who would say, "You want a bite of this delicious candy bar?" Just so when we say yes, he stuffs it all into his big fat mouth. I believe He decides that we may not be ready for what we are about to receive or He feels like we are not going to be able to handle that specific task & so He takes it back to give us something else.
It is like this saying, "When God takes something from your grasp, He is not punishing you...but merely opening your hands to receive something better".
Now at the time of any loss we are not thinking, "Oh thank You so much God, just can't wait to see what You are going to give me in return!" No, we are questioning ourselves, God, human nature, people around us, loved ones. Questioning every move we made to trick our minds into believing it was something we did & should be punished for.
When we lost our son I begged for 6 months to pass. Thinking in 6 months I would be over this hurt & my heart would not feel like it was going to explode in my chest every time I thought about what I lost. However, 6 months did not make me feel better. We fool ourselves that is what we do.
I never turned my back on God, I actually found myself crying out to Him even more than I had in a long long time. I looked up every bible verse I could find to help me in my pain. A few off the top of my head that helped were:
Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted & binds up their wounds
Matthew 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted
Nehemiah 8:10 Do not sorrow for the joy of the Lord is your strength
I read a lot of books too that I found comfort in.
Free to Grieve by Maureen Rank; she references the bible in this book.
Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg; she includes a journal section after each story which let you jot down questions or feelings.
A Silent Love by Adrienne Ryan; (this one is my favorite one) she not only talks about her losses, but she retells personal stories from other women, even her husband & parents partake.Music helped as you can see reading through my past posts. I love music anyway, but to have special songs when you are experiencing certain trials in your life is always helpful. Songs to cheer you up, songs when you are happy, songs when you are mad or songs to have fun!
The love of our Father is everlasting. We should trust in Him always. So if you are going through something right now that seems like there is no end in sight, remember God will never give you more than you can handle & as what my all wise brother would say "& this too shall pass".
"His favor is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5
Feeling much better this weekend. Do not know if it is because we have been just laying around watching movies or just starting to feel better.
No big plans for the 4th this year. The park they set the fireworks off is just down the street, so we are hoping they will be high enough in the air to see from our parking lot or maybe the park next door.
We have a bit bigger park on the North side of town that the fireworks use to be at & you could park on the boulevard to see them. Now they moved them to a smaller park off a busy road & charge you to park inside. You would have to camp out all day to get a good spot & to get out is crazy.
The last few years we have gone out to one of our aunt's home & shot them off ourselves & cooked out, but they have moved. So here is hoping we can see them from our apartment. Our local news channel shows them on TV, but that is nothing like the real thing.
For everyone else who is venturing out to family, friends, lakes, the park, please be careful & responsible.
Thank you to the service men & women who have made great sacrifices for our country's freedom!
Wow! Today I was an emotional wreck! I do not know what has come over me. Nehemiah has been heavy on my mind today. I hope this is not how the remainder of my pregnancy will be.
Before we got pregnant, JD & I had talked about whether we would feel guilty having another baby or if we will feel guilty if we ended up having another boy. This discussion has come up again now that we are pregnant. Do we feel guilty having another child to "replace" him? I do not feel in anyway we replaced Nehemiah. For one, we were not trying! The other reason, I do not feel you can ever replace anyone or anything that you have lost that is near & dear to you. This baby that I am carrying is a new baby, a different baby, even if it turns out to be another boy.
Now today I felt saddened/guilty for being so happy. I almost felt like he kept reminding me he was here so that I will not forget him while I am thinking about this baby. Then again maybe it is my subconscious reminding me, putting Nehemiah in my thoughts.
Everyday is a new day, with new feelings & new emotions. I am happy here in this moment & like I have said before, I give all the glory to God. If it were not for Him, none of us would be here today.
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-8
Sorry, but for everyone out there who has not asked yet, we do not care what the gender of our baby will be as long as we have a healthy, living baby.
I get a little upset when people come up to me and ask me, "are you hoping for your boy this time?" or "do you hope this is your boy?". I mean come on! I have a boy! I do not want to be rude to these people when they ask, but inside I am screaming with pain. Everyone who has asked us so far knows we lost a baby boy, so it is not like some stranger at Wal-Mart is asking.
When my husband was asked if he hopes this one is his boy, my brother-in-law chimed in, "he has a boy, they are just hoping for a healthy baby". I thought it was really cool that he thought of that. I just say it doesn't matter when they ask. One day I just feel like my pregnancy hormones might cause me to explode when someone asks.
My question really is, how should we answer?
Today I am 11 weeks & 2 days. It is exciting to know that I have a little being growing inside of me. It is also a nervous time as well. In less than 9 weeks we will be where we were when we found out our precious Nehemiah was no longer with us.
I try not to think about that moment when it pops into my head, but how can I not. At the beginning of this pregnancy I was not nervous. I did not let the thought of losing another baby enter into my mind. JD was nervous though. I think enough for the both of us. With the weeks going by I am starting to get nervous.
I have been told that once we make it past 20 weeks we will be able to sigh with relief. I, on the other hand, do not think so. I do not think I will be able to really "sigh with relief" until the doctor pulls this baby out of my womb & announces the gender to us & I hear the little beaner cry.
When I was pregnant with my oldest daughter, the thought of losing a baby never entered my mind. I was 18 & thought I could do anything & come out smelling like roses. You know what I am talking about, I thought I knew it all. I had not even met a single person who had ever lost a baby.
When I got pregnant with my second child, a co-worker lost her baby at 20+ weeks. She was due 3 or 4 weeks before me. It was unreal that something like that would happen to someone I knew & at the time I did ask why it happened to her & not me. I was thankful everyday for the life that I was carrying inside, but I just kept the thought "it will never happen to me".
When I got pregnant with my third child, I had nightmares & bad feelings every day. Especially days I had doctor's appointments on. It was like my mind was preparing me for what was to come. Now that I have lost a baby, the thought of "it will never happen to me" has changed to, "it can happen to anyone at anytime".
I do give God all the glory every morning for letting me carry this baby one more day. I feel different about this pregnancy than I did with Nehemiah, but Nehemiah is not far from my mind. I miss him & I know that if I had not lost him, this baby would not be here either. I try not to let the anxiety overcome me. I know if I do, this will not end well. I believe in positive thinking.
This is the message my sister-in-law sent me, it is the most encouraging message I have received so far: ' I'm of the opinion that you can think things into existence...good and bad. Give it to God and ask for the blessing of a healthy baby in His name. Matthew 21:22 says "And whatever you ask in prayer you will receive, if you have faith."'
I definitely agree with her thinking.
So on that note, we will see in a few weeks if I am able to breathe a little easier or if I am still in the same place. But for now, I will keep my positive thinking in place & praise God for this wonderful gift He has blessed us with.
