We only have about 15 weeks left! We are so grateful for every moment I spend carrying & nurturing this baby to term.
The other part we are excited about is the fact that we are having a boy. We have heard time & time again that they are so "easy". After two girls, we are ready for "easy". I pray for an easy going child, but with his two drama queen sisters, I am not too sure what we are going to get.
We have a tweenager who is at the stage where she hates me & I am never right. Who thinks her daddy hangs the moon & stars. The only problem with this, is I do not think it is a phase at times because she has been like this most of her life. She is a major daddy & papa's girl. We could end up like my mom & I have.When I was growing up I did not always see eye-to-eye with her either. I can honestly say my mom is my best friend.
I have my little one who has always thought I hung the moon & stars. She can be a daddy's girl at times, but for the most part, she is a mama's girl. This may change once she becomes a teenager, but at least I will have some experience & maybe not take things so personally when she does hate me.
Anyone who has ever experienced a loss of a loved one or dear friend, knows that with the loss comes great emotional, fear gripping, grief. I know I have spoken about the stages of grief & even described what each one entails.
There is no one way to describe how one feels after a loss when asked. We usually say "fine" or "ok", maybe even "I'm getting by". I just watched the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy & there is a line in the show that goes "I'm busy, holding myself together with tape and glue". That would be a great way to let someone know how you are feeling.
If you broke a perfect vase or a pot, you might try to salvage it by gluing it. Is it the same? No, it is now imperfect & has many cracks. That is how one might describe the way their heart is. Yes, it is back together, but it still has the little imperfections & cracks in it that can never be smoothed away.
Over the last couple of days I have wondered, worried really, will I still think about Nehemiah as much when this baby comes? Will I still miss what might have been with Nehemiah when this baby comes? I am sure that is what most think about when they move on to another part of their life. I do miss him right now while I carry this child. I am happy by all means, but still it can cause emotions to flare. Makes me think about that "what if" or "what might have been"; however, when I think about how this baby would not be on his way if Nehemiah had made it makes me feel guilty for thinking about Nehemiah being here instead of this baby & then I feel guilty for being happy this baby is coming, like I am happy Nehemiah passed, when that is not the case at all. It is like a never ending cycle & that was a bit of a ramble!
Not long after we lost Nehemiah, a woman I worked with told me, "Jennifer, the only way you will ever be happy again, is to have another baby". What!?!? That is so far from it. I am happy I am pregnant & do not take any day that I continue to carry this precious life for granted. I still miss my first son every day & this baby is by no means a "replacement" baby. For some people that may make them happy. But for me there are so many more emotions than that.
So, with all of that said, I am getting by every day & slowly my tape is coming off & the glue is a little less noticeable & my cuts are more like scars.
We are officially 21 weeks & 6 days. We have had our ultrasound this afternoon & have discovered we are having a baby BOY! So, my instincts were right!
He has all four chambers of his heart, a brain & sealed skull, a full bladder, two kidneys & a great big head & big feet! Which we are excited & feel we would be just as excited to see that he were actually a she. The sonogram shows we are 23 weeks & 4 days, moving our due date to January 6, 2011. The sonographer said my doctor probably will not move anything based on this, but we will see. Especially since it is a scheduled c-section & a VBAC is not an option in my case.
As well as excitement, there is a twang guilt. The guilt of being happy. Just because we are having another baby & a boy at that, does make losing Nehemiah any easier. It does not make us forget the baby boy we had almost three years ago. I get sad sometimes & the other night I was talking to the baby & accidentally called out Nehemiah's name. That broke my heart & I felt guilty.
I do not want to ever forget Nehemiah & what we have endured losing him. It was a lesson to learn how not to take life for granted & that I am a strong woman/mom. I know God gave us that special gift & the gift I am carrying now & we are truly blessed.
The other night, while getting comfortable in bed, I felt something poke my belly. I looked at JD & had asked him if he poked me, which he said no. Then today while we were waiting to be called back, I felt something small rub my belly. I just looked around, of course there was no one else waiting with us & no one was sitting close enough to touch me. I feel like angels are with us always. I would like to think maybe it was Nehemiah touching me. It is nice to think our baby has his own little guardian angel.
Next time, we might share our name choice!!
"For He shall give His angels charge over you, to keep you in all your ways" Psalm 91:11
We are 21 weeks today & still kicking!
Today I got to sneeze snot all over myself in the waiting room & overfill my pee cup, that dripped everywhere, & a new vitamin regimen added on & got a note to wear tennis shoes to work & heard a very strong heartbeat & got to ask the doctor to perform a prostate exam on the dear husband since he likes to be difficult at the appointments & got told I have gained back the last 2 pounds of the 10 pounds I had lost earlier on...oh & we got to schedule a sonogram for Monday afternoon! What a day I tell ya!
The new vitamin I get to take is a calcium pill with vitamin D since my bones hurt so bad that sometimes I feel like I need a walker just to walk. I do not like the taste, much less the smell of milk, so I do not drink it. So I have to take my prenatal vitamin with all of its glorious contents in the morning & the calcium pill in the evening before bed.
So, I cannot wait until Monday now to cure my curiosity of whether this little being is in fact a boy or a girl & so I can stop hearing "when are you having a sonogram" "had a sonogram yet to know what you are having" "have you had a sonogram & you are just keeping it from us" "know when you will get one" etc. I guess it is only down hill from here. I remember getting testy when the farther along you get people start asking "you ready to have that baby yet", "you haven't had that baby yet" "when are you due, you look well over your due date" etc. I am just thankful this time it will be a planned c-section so as soon as we set a date I can tell everyone (hopefully) one time precisely when this little beaner will make the grand entrance into the world.
Until then, thank you Lord for giving me this opportunity to carry & nurture a precious life & please give me patience as I have been a little testy with people lately.
