Wow!, I cannot believe we are already to the end of the month of February 2010. What a year this has started off to be. I am praying for better things & happiness to come my way.
I am definitely not one to be down & cry about my problems. I do have bad days though where I do not feel like getting out of bed or going to work. But if I didn't I would go crazy. I have a really good friend who brings me back up to where I need to be when I start to doubt myself or let myself get down. She does not sugarcoat anything either. LOL! I also have the grace of God to help me.
But, what is keeping me up right now is the fact that I am getting pumped about the March for Babies 2010. This is my 2nd year to be a part of this awesome organization. I have met some really great people & it feels good to know that I can help make a difference. I do not feel you had to have a preemie or a child with a genetic disorder or birth defect to be a part of the March of Dimes. You can do it for a friend or loved one, even your future grandchildren. Every little bit helps & that is what matters. These babies are what matters.
When a good friend of mine approached me to be a part of the March of Dimes, I did not feel like I belonged. I mean, my baby was not born alive or with a birth defect. I will, unfortunately, never get to know why my son did not make it into this world alive at full-term, until I meet Jesus that is. However, once I started reading the info & listening to other mother's I knew I belonged here. Hopefully one day we can prevent deaths during pregnancy & help all mothers come full-term & even know what causes birth defects that we can one day prevent them from occurring. It is a far stretch, but I believe it can happen.
So, if you are in my area & would like to walk with me & my team or perhaps you just want to donate, please visit my Team Nehemiah site & sign up or donate. All donations are tax deductible. You can even start your own team if you wish.
So, let's save us some babies!!
"Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in Your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.
How precious are Your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered!
I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, You are still with me!""
Psalm 139:14-18
by Matthew West
Don’t be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes
‘Cause everyday it’s sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world
Off your shoulders now
I’m dreaming of the day when I’m finally there with you
Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon
I have asked the questions why
But I guess the answer’s for another time
So instead I’ll pray
With every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here
So you just
Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon
And I wanna live my life
Just like you did
Make the most of my time
Just like you did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there
Until I get there
Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon
by Steven Curtis Chapman for Maria Sue Chapman
Heaven is the face of a little girl
With dark brown eyes that disappear when she smiles
Heaven is the place where she calls my name
Says, "Daddy please come play with me for awhile"
God, I know, it's all of this and so much more
But God, You know, that this is what I'm aching for
God, you know, I just can't see beyond the door
So right now Heaven is the sound of her breathing deep
Lying on my chest, falling fast asleep while I sing
And Heaven is the weight of her in my arms
Being there to keep her safe from harm while she dreams
And God, I know, it's all of this and so much more
But God, You know, that this is what I'm longing for
God, you know, I just can't see beyond the door
But in my mind's eye I can see a place
Where Your glory fills every empty space
All the cancer is gone
Every mouth is fed
And there's no one left in the orphans' bed
Every lonely heart finds their one true love
And there's no more goodbye
And no more not enough
And there's no more enemy
Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss
And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone
Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
And leads me to You
And we both run into Your arms
Oh God, I know, it's so much more than I can dream
It's far beyond anything I can conceive
So God, You know, I'm trusting You until I see
Heaven in the face of my little girl
Heaven in the face of my little girl
No one ever expects to lose a child. I know I did not walk around thinking my babies would ever die during pregnancy. Never had the thought to reach into the crib or bassinet and feel if they were still breathing.
But when you do lose something as precious as a child, a part of you dies as well. It is an unbearable pain. One that will have you worrying about your other children.
I use to be jealous of the mothers who had a baby born alive and had their moment together. I just wish for one moment with Nehemiah alive and looking into my face. Smiling at me with his toothless grin. But then I am thankful that he was already gone when I delivered him, because I do not think I could have handled burying a baby whom I got to nurse or take him to meet his sisters and family before the Lord took them. I am thankful that I got to carry him, feel him moving and see him move on the sonogram machine.
I just wish one day no one would ever have to feel that pain of losing a child. We are not suppose to out live our children.
Now that I have experienced this kind of loss, I dread my children learning how to drive or going to parties. What if they are hit by a drunk driver or what if they are the drunk drive who hits someone and takes someone else's child? I dread my children leaving my sight, even for a moment. What if someone takes them & I find them in a shallow grave or they are hurt in the most horrible way?
I have faith though that the Lord is & will always take care of my children no matter what. I also have faith that my parenting will pay off and they won't be hurt.We have to continue to not think about the bad things that could happen. We have to continue to go on just like we did before the pain hit us in the gut so hard we could not catch our breaths in the fear that our heart would stop beating at any moment from being broken.
The next post and the one for tomorrow, that are actually lyrics to songs, sum up some of the way I feel every day.
I love you precious son! One day we will meet again and I will get to hold you in my arms.
"Do not sorrow for the joy of the Lord is your strength" Nehemiah 8:10
