Dear Diary: October 25, 2007

I am okay. 

Yesterday I took Makaila to a consignment shop and she put on wigs and masks while I took pictures. 

Then we went to the park. We had fun. It was nice getting out and it wasn't too busy, so no anxiety attacks.

This morning is going good. I slept well with a little help, but it is nice to be able to sleep without waking up and not falling back to sleep.

Little boy, I miss you and love you!

XOXOXO





"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4 

Capture Your Grief - Day 24

"Siblings"

Andrea was just turning 7 when her baby brother passed away in my womb. I remember we had her 7th Birthday Party all planned out. But I received the bad news two days before her sleepover was planned. We had the option to deliver the next morning, or wait the whole weekend & deliver him on Monday. There was no way I was going to carry around my dead baby while I tried to celebrate my living child's birthday, so we decided to deliver the following morning, October 18, 2007.

Makaila was 4 years old when we discovered her baby brother had passed away in my womb. She did not quite understand what we were talking about since she had not actually gotten to see the baby, she only knew he was growing in my tummy. She kissed my belly every night before bed as soon as we told them we were expecting. She would tell me every time, "The baby says he loves you mama."

We will tell Crispin about his brother one day when he is old enough to understand. I feel Nehemiah picked Crispin out specially just for us.

Dear Diary: October 23, 2007

This is so hard! I know I'll get through this. I kiss your pictures every morning.

I think it hurts a little more because you are a boy. 

I feel like I disappointed daddy because I could not carry you full term. I know how much he wants a little boy.

I love you!


XOXOXOXO

"For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

Capture Your Grief - Day 23

"Their Name/Their Photo"

Dear Diary: October 22, 2007

In April we were discussing having another baby. We could never really make up our minds when to start trying. Our little baby was conceived the second week of June. Due to the fact that the 1st day of my last menstrual cycle was the 1st day of May & I should have had another one beginning June 23rd.

On July 2nd I had the distinct feeling I was carrying precious cargo. Just to be on the safe side we waited one more week, not even telling anyone what was going on. 

I took a test on the morning of July 10th, the day before your daddy's birthday. It was positive. We told our parents & later that weekend, we told everyone in the family the news.

My first appointment was July 31st. This was just a nurse visit, but we set up a sonogram & gave past medical history. We were getting excited!

This time I was more anxious than the other two times. It almost seemed sureal. 

On August 1st at 8:00am, I went alone to this visit, I was so nervous, I thought they were going to tell me I am not pregnant. The tech was so nice she calmed me. 

Then we saw this beautiful heartbeat inside my womb. You are there!

I was so excited, still a little more anxious than normal. 

My first Dr visit was August 22nd at 12:15pm. The Dr (Dr. H) was wonderful. She explained that we would be able to plan your delivery. It would have to be around 39 weeks. We were really getting excited. I know that eased daddy's mind because he had doubts about having to go through another emergency c-section. This visit got weird & tense. 

When the doppler was put on my stomach there was not heartbeat. We had to across the street for another sonogram. I was feeling so uneasy. I as bracing for the worse. I felt guilty for feeling this way. As soon as we got in the room the teck turned on the machine & got ready. I kept my eyes closed until he said, "There he is! He's moving so much, no wonder you couldn't hear him." 

I opened my eyes & saw this little skeletal form "dancing" around. I was so happy & relieved.

My next appointment was September 19th at 11:15am. I had been feeling you move all week. I wish I'd written down the first day I'd felt you move. It hadn't been too long, but this week there was loads of movement. No one else could feel you yet, but I could. 

This time it took them a while to get you on the doppler again, but I could feel you so I wasn't nervous. 

About the second week of feeling you move daddy thought he felt you. I know you moved a lot under his hand when he put it on my stomach.

The week after my appointment I was feeling a little anxious again & for some reason. I asked daddy what we would do if we lost you early on. He told me not to think about it, but he would not blame me & he'd love me. I asked him if we'd try again, he said we'd have to see.

About a week before my last visit, I had been sore all over & had not been feeling you move. I thought maybe I had another UTI or just tired. I never expected what I was going to get. 

Wednesday, October 17, 2007 at 1:00pm I went in for my appointment. I felt good & ready. 

We were debating about finding out the sex. When they tried to hear your heartbeat with the doppler, they couldn't. Dr. H just said maybe you were moving a lot or that the placenta was in the way. So we went for a sonogram. 

There still was no doubt in my mind anything was wrong.

K, the tech, looked for you on the screen. When you came into view, I knew.

K went to get Dr. H. Your dad just kept asking me what was wrong. I just told him it looked like your heart was not beating.

When they came back in K showed Dr. H. You were measuring 18 1/2 weeks. You should have been 20. My heart fell. They left us alone to cry in each others arms. 

We had to go back to Dr. H's office to discuss what was next.

We decided we'd deliver you the next morning. Dr. H gave me something to help me sleep & granny and papa took us dinner.

Thursday,October 18, 2007
We got to the hospital at 8:30am. Granny came to be with us. After blood work and discussing all the procedures for the day, we began. 

It was 11:45am when we started to induce labor. They said it could take up to 48 hours. I was so scared. I had always had c-sections and I was not ready to give you up!

At 2:45pm they came with more meds. I was bleeding and the nurse felt my water bag, so we thought it was going to quicker than planned.

At 4:00pm or so, another Dr came in to put a folley in my cervix. This was to pen it up for you. They'd told me the gender may not be visible.

After the intense pain I delivered you at 9:41pm. A BOY! (The nurse did let it slip that your umbilical cord was around your neck two times, but we aren't sure if that is why you left us.)

I had to have a D/C to clean out my uterus and to stop the bleeding. When I got out of recovery they brought you to me. 

You were in a blue/green blanket with white starbursts on it in a white Moses basket. They had described you to me so I wouldn't be shocked.

You were 9oz (265 grams) & 9 inches long. You had ten fingers & ten toes. You were beautiful! Tiny, but beautiful!

I love you!
I miss you!
You are my guardian angel!
You have two big sisters and even though you three never met, I know they love you!

Nehemiah Christopher Reyna 

Was I too anxious?
Was I too nervous?
Was I too stressed?
Did I squish you when I was sleeping?
Could this have been prevented?
Why?
Am I a failure?
Did I want you enough?

Your dad is the best! He has been taking good care of me.

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14

Capture Your Grief - Day 22

"Place of Care/Birth"

Capture Your Grief - Day 20

"Charity/Organization"

Capture Your Grief - Day 19

"Project"

5th Angelversary Celebration

 Angel of My Tears
How do you love a person who never go to be, 
or try to envision a face you never got to see?
How do you mourn the death of one who never got to live,
When there's nothing to feel good about and nothing to forgive?
I love you, my little baby, my companion of the night.
Wandering through my lonely hours beautiful and bright.
What does it mean to die before you were ever born, 
to live the lovely night of life and never see the dawn?
Ah! My little baby, you lived like anyone!
Life's a burst of joy and pain.
And then like yours, it's done.
I love you, my little baby, just as if you'd lived for years.
No more, no less, I think of you,
the Angel of My Tears.
~Author Unknown

It was slightly chilly, but not too bad. We did not get to do balloons this year because everyone is out of helium. We liked the sparklers though and glad we decided to them!
Papa was sick, so he did not get to attend and Makaila is missing in the pictures because she was more involved with the dogs that our cousins brought..lol

 Our night was wonderful. We lit sparklers and let our light shine...

 Uncle Bo lighting his fires...

 Grandma Becky letting her light shine... 

  Cousin Jessica joined us along with Baby Ezra...

 

 Big sister letting her light shine...

 

 It looks like cousin DJ is letting his face burn, but he didn't...lol...  

   Granny's light was shining...

Your Baby brother letting his light shine...

We ended our gathering with this precious poem...

Precious Little One
I'm just a precious little one who didn't make it there.
I went straight to be with Jesus, but I'm waiting for you here.
Many dwelling here where I live, waited years to enter in.
Struggled through a world of sorrow, a world marred with pain and sin. 
Thank you for the life you gave me, it was brief but don't complain.
I have all Heaven's Glory, suffered none of earth's great pain.
Thank you for the name you gave me.
I'd have loved to bring it fame.
But if I'd lingered in earth's shadows, I would have suffered just the same.
So sweet family-don't you sorrow.
Wipe those tears and chase the gloom.
I went straight Jesus' arms, from my loving Mother's womb.
~Author Unknown

Capture Your Grief - Day 18

"Your Family Portrait"

This is our family portrait taken at Nehemiah's 5th Angelversary Celebration. We have our Nehemiah bear in there with us.

Happy 5th Heavenly Birthday!

Nehemiah:
Wow! I cannot believe that 5 years ago to the date, I was induced & delivered such a sweet angel baby!

I can still remember everything, from the horrible news we received the day before, to delivering you. I remembered everyone who visited us, I remember being in so much pain, I remember being impatient to see you, I absolutely remember everything!

I am so blessed to have had the chance to have you grow in my womb, to feel your kicks, to see you alive & moving on a sonogram machine. I thank God every morning for my precious time for you & for the opportunity to become a better person so that I may receive my keys to the kingdom. So when I die I will not parish, but have everlasting life with you & Jesus. 

We love you dear son! Happy Birthday!

P.S. this evening we will be releasing our balloons to you & lighting sparklers in your memory.

5 Years Ago - Oct. 17, 2007 - Oct. 18, 2007

Exactly five years ago today, we made it to our doctor's appointment at 1:00pm, expecting to set up a sonogram.  We were still undecided whether we had wanted to know the gender. With your sisters we waited to find out what we were having until the moment they were delivered.

Your daddy and I were so excited!

Today was the day we received the most devastating news any parent would want to hear.

"Your baby has no heartbeat"

The next morning I would go into the hospital pregnant and one day later leave with empty arms....

and he said: "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." Job 1:21

Capture Your Grief - Day 17

I do not have any pictures of a first bath, a first birthday celebration, a first Christmas, a first of anything... 

What I do have are photographs of the first celebration of our baby's First Angelversary to share.

 

Me, reading scripture while my dad & girls huddle around..

 My brother preparing to read something with his wife & children around him, 

one of my good friends standing in the back..

 My husband & his cousin after her read his poem..

 Some of our family waiting to release their balloons..

Capture Your Grief - Day 16

"Release"

We release balloons with messages every year on Nehemiah's Angelversary!

Capture Your Grief - Day 15

 "Wave of Light"

Capture Your Grief - Day 14

"Community"

This is our community that has shown up for us for the March for Babies walks that we do in memory of our Nehemiah & in honor of all babies!

Capture Your Grief - Day 13

"Signs"

Every time I am thinking of my sweet angel, I find one of these fluffy white feathers. 

Capture Your Grief - Day 12

Today is suppose to be a picture of a "Scent" that reminds you of your baby. 

The only problem I have with today's topic is that I cannot put into words, much less a picture, of what exactly the smell is that goes past my nose when I think of my baby. 

It is a fresh smell, but that is the only way to describe it. So, today this white space is my fresh scent. 

Capture Your Grief - Day 11

"Supportive Friends & Family"

My husband & my mom!

Capture Your Grief - Day 10

"Symbol"
My youngest daughter picked this necklace out for my birthday & I had not taken it off. I view angels as a symbol of my baby.