A Little Story...

Here's a little story about this coat I would like to share:

Jd and I are high school sweethearts, so we have been through many fashion changes in the 2 decades we have been together. One day we decided to get matching Starters Jackets, know that I was a Florida State Seminole fan in high school and never really was a North Carolina Tar Heels, but Jd was, so whatever.

After a while we had decided we should get different coats, because matching couples are so lame. But, we became pregnant and lost a baby boy we named Nehemiah Christopher Reyna. (This would have been any of our older children's name had they been boys.)
After our loss we just could not give up these coats and my husband still wears his North Carolina hat religiously, just for the simple symbol - N.C. 
 

8th Angelversary

I know I say this every year, but I cannot believe it has been 8 years already since I gave birth to a sleeping angel! 

I woke up this morning to take my daugther to work and then go to the local Dollar Tree to get some boxes for our donations. When I returned home, my husband had warned me "not to make a big deal when I get on Facebook". So, I sat down at my desk and was getting ready to do listen to my church's online sermon when I thought I would check Facebook first....

Well, I was ugly crying by the time I had read through what he had written me, along with all of the sweet comments. Here is a screenshot of one of the posts he left me:

Here are the donations boxed up and ready to be delivered in a little bit. My parents usually join us in the evening for balloons and sparklers, but they are out of town this weekend. But we plan to still fire off our sparklers and eat cupcakes. 

I posted this little tunic because I just love the vintage look to the fabric. This is one my mom made. 

 

 

The patterns for the tunics and buntings are from Angel Outfitters.

(There are some knitted hats at the bottom of the box my mom made too).

 

October 15th - Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

For Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, we attended the 9th Annual Wave of Light here in our hometown. 

 

It was so peaceful and calm this night. There was no wind and it was quite warm. Seeing all of these luminaries lit up for all of the babies gone to soon, makes me sad, but I know we will be together soon. When I think of that, it makes my heart happy. Just to know that Jesus and my son will be waiting to greet me at the gates of Heaven. 

Capture Your Grief Day 22 - Words

Words - I had decided to name my son Nehemiah after the man in the bible. I had never paid attention to the verse in the picture until I had lost my baby. The name Nehemiah also means: comforted by God. Seems so fitting. I love this scripture because I know one day God will wipe away every tear and make all things right again. I faith that I will see my precious baby at that time.

Capture Your Grief Day 19 - Support

We have too many to put in one picture so I simplified it.

They know who they are though.

They have join our Family Team each year, they help us raise money & sale chocolates, they let us cry on their shoulder....more importantly, they speak his name - Nehemiah.

I love you all and we would be insane without all of you.

Capture Your Grief Day 18 - Release

Release - My release comes on the day we celebrate our sweet angel, October 18th. Every year we release balloons with messages, but last year our area was out of helium and we lit sparklers instead. This year my mom got a helium tank so we did both. Here is our balloons being released this evening.

I caught this screenshot here.....notice the date & time?

Capture Your Grief Day 2 - Identity

When I was a young teenager I was reading my bible and started reading the book of Nehemiah. He was so strong and hardworking and had a love for God. I just knew from that moment I was going to name my future son Nehemiah. I have always liked the name Christopher, so I just put the two together.

When I saw my precious son for the first time, he was absolutley perfect! He was fully developed from his head to his toes. He had beautiful lips and the cutest little ears and nose. I breaks my heart that no sound ever passed those beautiful lips and his eyes never saw my face while he was here on earth, but I know he makes beautiful sounds in heaven singing with the angels. and warms my heart that his first sight was of Jesus recieving him.

Nehemiah means: Comforted by God. How fitting that I would be drawn to this name reading my bible and picking it out for my future son. God knew I would have a stillborn baby and He lead me to this name.  

Blog Slacker

I am such a blog slacker! I have not written anything on here in months and lots has happened.

I just realized today that we only have 1 day left of September and then we begin October. October is a busy month for our family. 

Our local hospital will be hosting Walk to Remember on Saturday, October 5th at Memorial Park; October 15th is the World Wide Candle Light Vigil; October 18th we celebrate/remember our sweet angel, Nehemiah, for our 6th year in a row; October 21st my sweet girl, Andrea, turns 16. 

I plan on posting in my blog the Capture Your Grief Challenge that I did last year.  I had so much fun and it was actually therapeutic. "It doesn’t matter whether you are only a week into this walk or you have been walking this road for 50 years, all are welcome to join in."

Andrea had foot surgery almost 2 weeks ago to remove a cyst. However, there was nothing there when the doctor opened her foot up. Is she healed? Even the doctor does not know. We will have to wait and see.

Three weeks ago JD and I have began going to church together on Wednesday night to hear the book of Job. He is really excited about going and I pray everyday he continues in his excitement. We have tried doing things together this past year only to let Satan intervene and then we end up quitting. He says once Crispin is willing to stay in the nursery he will attend Sunday morning with the girls and I. 

Last weekend was Pure Rebellion out our church. This is the most radical event I have ever attended. I highly recommend everyone attend this if it is ever in your area. There were a few skits and one I recorded and put up on YouTube. This event is not just for youth, I was touched by the testimonies that were given that night.

I pray for blessings upon you all as I end this post this evening. 

Prayer Flag ~ 2013

There is a lovely lady name Carly Marie, who like myself, is a mom of an angel named Christian. She writes names in the sand on the beach in Australia and she also started August 19th International Day of Hope. You can read more here about the event, as well as Christian's story.

This year I decided to participate by making a prayer flag to hang up somewhere special on August 19th.

Here is a little story behind what I chose to do for my theme for my prayer flag:

When I first started telling my co-workers that I was pregnant, a dear lady I work with bought me a blue and white stripped onesie, as well as a card to indicate what she believed I was carrying. 

Unfortunately, we never got to use the onesie on our sweet baby. So, I thought what better way to honor my baby then to use the special onesie for the base for my prayer flag.

The open heart represents my heart. 

The angel inside represents Nehemiah.

 The sparrow represents freedom.

My sweet angel is free from a world of hate and destruction.

Of course I had to put his name and birth date.

The stars represent lights of hope. Hope that one day I will be with 

my sweet baby and Jesus in Heaven.

The finished product!

Next year I plan to make another one and invite my family to help or make their own. I self taught myself to hand-stitch and all of the letters, the outline of the bird and the heart are all my handy work. The "N" is an iron-on that I stitched on with the buttons. I think I did a pretty good job. :) 

 

Slacking, Running, and Other Things

I have seriously been slacking on the blog-front this year. And this post is almost 2 weeks late....But here goes!


We just finished up our 5th March for Babies season. It was a whopper of a go-around!

We sold 9 whole boxes of chocolates!
We made $90.00 at our Bake Sale! :(
We raised $1,526.00! :)
We had THE coolest t-shirts ever!
We had 21 walkers!

And.......my dad and I ran our first 5k in 46 minutes!

Dad and I have been training since the first week of January. Honestly, I never thought I would be ready, nor would I finish the race if I started. But I did! My "coach" dad and my good friend Crystal ran along side me, pushing me to keep going when all I wanted to do was walk...which I did do some of that. 

We had an absolute blast!

There was one down side to our walk though....the stomach bug had hit our household the week of the walk and my dear husband woke sick early in the morning the day of the walk. So, he was not there to congratulate us as the finish line; however, he always has next year.

Here are a few pictures from our day:

                                          Dad, Crystal and Myself at the End

                                                           Go Dad!

                                              Myself and Nehemiah's Bear

                              This little fellow showed up after we completed our run..
                                             Sent from Heaven Above!

 

 The Back of Our Cool Shirts!

 

My Children and Myself

                                                   The Awesome Supporters!


 

Nehemiah - Story of a Name

When I was 16 years old I had started going back to church with my uncle and his family.
I was read my bible and notes daily. I remember one day when I read the book of Nehemiah.

At that moment I decided I really loved the name. The name belonged to strong, hardworking man of the bible. From that day on I knew that name was going to be the name of my first born son. 

Fast forward two years later, I am pregnant with my first child. I had already told JD that I had a boy name picked out if it so happened we would have a boy. Well, God blessed us with a beautiful little girl instead.

Now fast forward 12 more years, I am pregnant with my third child. I had a feeling in my heart that it was to be a boy and reminded JD of the name I had picked out. Not knowing that pregnancy was not going to end well.

A few days after delivering my stillborn baby boy, Nehemiah, I was reading my bible. I went to the book of Nehemiah again and was skimming through when I noticed the verse that in chapter 8 verse 10 that reads:

"Then he said to them, “Go your way, eat the fat, drink the sweet, and send portions to those for whom nothing is prepared; for this day is holy to our Lord. Do not sorrow, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” 

The Hebrew meaning of Nehemiah is: "Comforted by Yahweh"

This afternoon I was looking through the add for the LifeWay Christian Store and in the add is a book called "The Living Room Series NEHEMIAH a heart that can break" by Kelly Minter. This is how the description of the book read:

"Nehemiah is a call to let God break your heart for a hurting lost world and move you to lead people to Christ. Nehemiah the man was so broken-hearted for those in need that he gave up the comforts of his Persian palace to meet their needs. This Bible study features video sessions, solid teaching of the Bible, music selections, and a relational approach you'll love."

It amazes me how many things we have read, seen, heard and spoken in our lifetime that we never really paid attention to. I feel like I made the right choice in selecting Nehemiah's name. That it was meant to be for me to be broken-hearted so that I may be able to get closer to God. That this little baby I was never meant to hold here on earth, would build me up to be a better person. Wow!

I love you my precious baby. Sleep tight in Jesus' loving arms.

Dear Diary: October 22, 2007

In April we were discussing having another baby. We could never really make up our minds when to start trying. Our little baby was conceived the second week of June. Due to the fact that the 1st day of my last menstrual cycle was the 1st day of May & I should have had another one beginning June 23rd.

On July 2nd I had the distinct feeling I was carrying precious cargo. Just to be on the safe side we waited one more week, not even telling anyone what was going on. 

I took a test on the morning of July 10th, the day before your daddy's birthday. It was positive. We told our parents & later that weekend, we told everyone in the family the news.

My first appointment was July 31st. This was just a nurse visit, but we set up a sonogram & gave past medical history. We were getting excited!

This time I was more anxious than the other two times. It almost seemed sureal. 

On August 1st at 8:00am, I went alone to this visit, I was so nervous, I thought they were going to tell me I am not pregnant. The tech was so nice she calmed me. 

Then we saw this beautiful heartbeat inside my womb. You are there!

I was so excited, still a little more anxious than normal. 

My first Dr visit was August 22nd at 12:15pm. The Dr (Dr. H) was wonderful. She explained that we would be able to plan your delivery. It would have to be around 39 weeks. We were really getting excited. I know that eased daddy's mind because he had doubts about having to go through another emergency c-section. This visit got weird & tense. 

When the doppler was put on my stomach there was not heartbeat. We had to across the street for another sonogram. I was feeling so uneasy. I as bracing for the worse. I felt guilty for feeling this way. As soon as we got in the room the teck turned on the machine & got ready. I kept my eyes closed until he said, "There he is! He's moving so much, no wonder you couldn't hear him." 

I opened my eyes & saw this little skeletal form "dancing" around. I was so happy & relieved.

My next appointment was September 19th at 11:15am. I had been feeling you move all week. I wish I'd written down the first day I'd felt you move. It hadn't been too long, but this week there was loads of movement. No one else could feel you yet, but I could. 

This time it took them a while to get you on the doppler again, but I could feel you so I wasn't nervous. 

About the second week of feeling you move daddy thought he felt you. I know you moved a lot under his hand when he put it on my stomach.

The week after my appointment I was feeling a little anxious again & for some reason. I asked daddy what we would do if we lost you early on. He told me not to think about it, but he would not blame me & he'd love me. I asked him if we'd try again, he said we'd have to see.

About a week before my last visit, I had been sore all over & had not been feeling you move. I thought maybe I had another UTI or just tired. I never expected what I was going to get. 

Wednesday, October 17, 2007 at 1:00pm I went in for my appointment. I felt good & ready. 

We were debating about finding out the sex. When they tried to hear your heartbeat with the doppler, they couldn't. Dr. H just said maybe you were moving a lot or that the placenta was in the way. So we went for a sonogram. 

There still was no doubt in my mind anything was wrong.

K, the tech, looked for you on the screen. When you came into view, I knew.

K went to get Dr. H. Your dad just kept asking me what was wrong. I just told him it looked like your heart was not beating.

When they came back in K showed Dr. H. You were measuring 18 1/2 weeks. You should have been 20. My heart fell. They left us alone to cry in each others arms. 

We had to go back to Dr. H's office to discuss what was next.

We decided we'd deliver you the next morning. Dr. H gave me something to help me sleep & granny and papa took us dinner.

Thursday,October 18, 2007
We got to the hospital at 8:30am. Granny came to be with us. After blood work and discussing all the procedures for the day, we began. 

It was 11:45am when we started to induce labor. They said it could take up to 48 hours. I was so scared. I had always had c-sections and I was not ready to give you up!

At 2:45pm they came with more meds. I was bleeding and the nurse felt my water bag, so we thought it was going to quicker than planned.

At 4:00pm or so, another Dr came in to put a folley in my cervix. This was to pen it up for you. They'd told me the gender may not be visible.

After the intense pain I delivered you at 9:41pm. A BOY! (The nurse did let it slip that your umbilical cord was around your neck two times, but we aren't sure if that is why you left us.)

I had to have a D/C to clean out my uterus and to stop the bleeding. When I got out of recovery they brought you to me. 

You were in a blue/green blanket with white starbursts on it in a white Moses basket. They had described you to me so I wouldn't be shocked.

You were 9oz (265 grams) & 9 inches long. You had ten fingers & ten toes. You were beautiful! Tiny, but beautiful!

I love you!
I miss you!
You are my guardian angel!
You have two big sisters and even though you three never met, I know they love you!

Nehemiah Christopher Reyna 

Was I too anxious?
Was I too nervous?
Was I too stressed?
Did I squish you when I was sleeping?
Could this have been prevented?
Why?
Am I a failure?
Did I want you enough?

Your dad is the best! He has been taking good care of me.

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14

Five Years Ago - Aug. 22, 2007

This appointment was rather scary. I had had a nightmare the night before that we would be told you were gone.

When Dr. H tried to hear your heartbeat with the doppler, nothing could be heard. She sent us directly across the street to have a sonogram done just to check on things. 

When the tech put the probe on my belly, I kept my eyes on the ceiling & held my breath. When he said, "There he is! No wonder you all could not hear him, he is all over the place!"

I nearly jumped off of the table to give him a hug!

You looked like a fish in water, moving your hands & legs every which way...kind of like "Hey Mom & Dad! I am here & I am excited to be your baby!"

5 Years Ago - Aug. 1, 2007

Five years ago this morning, I went to my first appointment. Your daddy had to work, so I went alone. 

As soon as she put the probe onto my uterus, there you were! This is the day we told everyone (except our parents, they already knew) we were pregnant! 

I Get So Emotional

Those words remind of a song... "I get so emotional, Baby, every time I think of you" ..obviously only that part of the song.

It is hard to imagine this coming October my sweet baby has been gone from my world for 5 years. 

I have been reading a lot of different stories from parents who have lost children. In some of the stories posted, they say that the hardest year for them was the 2nd. Well, for me, I feel like this year is going hard for me. I am not too sure why. Everything in my life is going so good right now. 

God has continued to bless me every single day. I praise Him every morning & let Him know that if today is my last, I am prepared. As well as thank Him for my time & for my life & love that I have given & received. 

It is just in the last few weeks I have been wanting to cry over everything. I have that smell in my nose every so often. As if he is dancing or running in circles around me. I am not sure if my oldest daughter going into high school is making me emotional & then that makes me think of Nehemiah. 

I just cannot help but think that February 2013 my precious baby would have celebrated his 5th birthday & then starting kindergarten the following school year. It does make me tear up & sad. 

I am planning something special here on my blog that will start in a few weeks time. It is something that I have planned just for my precious baby's 5th angelversary & cannot wait to share. I am a little nervous, but I think it will be great.

Well, I am going to go to bed & meet my precious angel in my dreams.   

My Mission, My Responsiblity

As our lives keep going, after a life has been loss, we must be their voice to let people know they were HERE!

As a mother it is my responsibility to keep my precious Nehemiah's memory alive. I know I did not get to share his physical being with those around me, but he was alive inside of me for almost 20 weeks! I felt him growing and kicking and even got to see him wiggling around the sonogram screen on two different occasions. However, I will always remember that day that I saw him laying lifeless on that same screen.

That is why the March of Dimes is so close to my heart. Because there are babies who not even make it that far, who almost make it to 40 weeks and then it is decided they are "Too Precious for Earth" and then there are the babies who are born so early, the have to start out fighting for their lives. We also have those special babies that are born with defects. These children have a fight they must fight for the rest of their lives, however short or long it may be.

Even when our children are born healthy, they are still affected by the March of Dimes in many ways.

Raising money and walking for the March of Dimes' March for Babies is my way of keeping Nehemiah's being alive. It is my mission to help the March of Dimes' fight to prevent such instances. Each baby conceived should have a fighting chance.

Won't you support me in the fight for ALL babies!

Memory Lane

Isn't it crazy how a little smell, a saying, a touch, et cetera, can trigger a memory?

Sometimes, while having a fantabulous day, I all of a sudden remember back to summers at my grandma's & being in her kitchen. It always smelled like yellow apples & bananas. I love that smell! Or if I get a whiff of a lilac, it sends me back to spring time in our backyard where we had lilac bushes along the fence & beside the house.

Sometimes I am taken back to happy memories. Sometimes I am taken back to sad memories. Sometimes I am taken back to horrible memories. However, I am thankful for each & every memory I have. For one day I may never remember.

Here lately I have been thinking a lot about my precious son Nehemiah. Every October, since he was born, I have had a smell that gets stuck in my nose & does not leave until November is here. It is a smell I have been asked numerous times to explain, but I can't.

This year was different though & it kind of made me sad. I do not know if it is because I have a new baby to tend to & I have the smell of pooh or spit up, but the smell only came to me at certain times of the day. One good thing though, I have been having that scent come & go since September. Like he is telling me hello or letting me know he is here with me.

I like to think when I am feeling the sunshine on my face he is giving me kisses, or when a breeze swishes past me that means he is dancing around me, or when I get goose bumps he is whispering he loves me in my ear. I like finding things too. Pennies, little white feathers, stickers on the bottom of my shoe.

I know this may seem a little weird, but it makes my heart happy to have these things around me.

What memories do you have that are kept alive by your senses?

Hope & Prayer

I had made hats this past October to donate to our local hospitals. Unfortunately I got a late start, so we only had enough for one. We ended up donating to the hospital that Nehemiah was born in.

In each hat was a little card that told what the hats were for & listed my Team Nehemiah Facebook page for them. I check my page every now & again to see if anyone might have posted something.

A few weeks ago I had noticed someone had actually posted on my wall about her nephew receiving a Nehemiah's Hat. I was so excited to see this, but I was upset because the comment had been posted exactly one month before I actually read it. I was excited anyway to see that someone had received one of my extra special gifts.

Unfortunately, this little soul has been called back home. I cried for almost the whole day upon finding this out. So, I messaged the woman who left me the message & she messaged me back. This sweet little baby had been born with a birth defect that ultimately shortened his life.

This just proves right here how important the March of Dimes is & how important it is that we continue to donate for research on the cause & prevention of prematurity & birth defects. We have come a long way, but there is still so much more work to be done.

So, my mission for the new year is to get more awareness out there & hopefully get started earlier this year then I did last year.

For now though, lets have hope & pray daily!


"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer" Romans 12:12

We Are All Strong Enough

On Thursday, I went to be with my dear friend who was celebrating the 3rd birthday of her sweet Bubbas. On my way to the cemetery I was thinking about what I was going to say & if she would like my gift I had made for her & then I was starting feel really sad & thought of my poor dear friend. Right as I turned into the entry way Jeremy Camp's "There Will Be a Day" started playing on the radio.

I am not sure if everyone knows how that song goes, so I will share a few lyrics:

I can’t wait until that day where the very one I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery this is why this is why I sing….

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face

Well, she loved my gift, of course!! We hugged & talked. She has some very sweet nieces & nephew & her sister-in-love with her. She had white balloons to release. Of course I still had the sharpies in my purse from Nehemiah's balloon release, so I had to get those out. A couple more of her sweet friends showed up & we let the balloons go. It was cold & a little windy, but it was still very nice. Compared to the weather from the day before, this day was perfect.

As I was heading to the exit of the cemetery, I looked back & saw my dear friend sit down in front of her son. My heart broke just a little more for her & I wanted to go back, but I told myself she has to have some alone time with her sweet angel.

As soon as I made up my mind to leave another song came on the radio. This one being by Matthew West called "Strong Enough". Here are a few lyrics:You must You must think I'm strong To give me what I'm going through

Well, forgive me Forgive me if I'm wrong But this looks like more than I can do On my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough For the both of us

Both of these songs coming on let me know that God was listening to my heart & these particular songs were played for me personally at those moments.

Today, I am thankful for my life lessons that are brought to me by the loss of my sweet angel Nehemiah Christopher Reyna. I would never have met the people I have or be able to help people who are grieving the loss of a child if I had not lost my own.

To close, here are just a few pictures I would like to share.

This is the wreath I made my dear friend.
The blue airplane has wings painted on the wings that you can't see at this angle.

There go our balloons!

My candle burning brightly.

"I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me". Philippians 4:13

4th October

I cannot believe in just a few weeks it will be 4 years since you, my precious Nehemiah, was born sleeping. Not a day goes by that I do not think about you. What life would be like right now in this moment with you here with us. In time it has gotten easier, but we have definitely not ever forgotten. Every October I experience a smell that triggers every emotion imaginable, I just wonder if this year will be any different.

Every year we have done something as a family to celebrate your angelversary. This year is no different. I have been making little knitted hats to donate to the NICU at the hospitals. I even have daddy helping me! I was thinking about getting a tattoo next year since I will not be nursing, but let's see if I don't wimp out.

We plan to walk this morning at the Walk to Remember at Memorial Park. I made this little picture for you just for this month.
We love you son & miss you everyday! You will always live in our hearts!

Love,
Mommy, Daddy, Andrea, Makaila & Crispin