Saturday, August 13, 2011
Tuesday, August 09, 2011
Unconditional Love
The love a mother has for her children,
The love a father has for his children,
The love our Father has for us, His children
This is called Unconditional Love!
I love that the Lord loves us!
I love that the Lord blessed my husband & I with the children we have!
I love the child the Lord blessed my husband & I that grows in our heart!
This is called Unconditional Love!
What a love this is!
"Let us love one another, for love comes from God.
Everyone who loves has been born of God & knows God.
Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." 1John 4:7-8
The love a father has for his children,
The love our Father has for us, His children
This is called Unconditional Love!
I love that the Lord loves us!
I love that the Lord blessed my husband & I with the children we have!
I love the child the Lord blessed my husband & I that grows in our heart!
This is called Unconditional Love!
What a love this is!
"Let us love one another, for love comes from God.
Everyone who loves has been born of God & knows God.
Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." 1John 4:7-8
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Strong & Steady
I have started this post three different times today. Getting a few sentences out & then realizing that I was rambling or what I had written had no meaning. So, here I start again & decided to go a different route.
I always thought that after my loss I would always be there for my friends & family if they were to ever face the same ordeal of losing a child. However, I have found this tough & not as easy to comfort someone as I had originally thought. I feel absolutely helpless, but I hope that I do have the right words when the time comes. I know that my loss has meaning whether that is to help someone else out or to show what love I have for our Lord even through such great tragedy.
Today I went to the memorial of a sweet baby girl whose life was short & brief, yet has brought so much to my life & I know for many others who were following her story as well. She grew in her mother's womb for 32 weeks with a birth defect that we prayed would not take her life. We prayed that she would be healed & live a normal life. We prayed she would be used to show us how to fight. Unfortunately, God had another plan.
I had never been to a memorial for an infant & it was quite an experience, as well as heartbreaking. The pastor spoke of this baby as if she had lived for 32 years. It was comforting & he said some things that my husband said he had needed to hear.
Her parents are strong & steady. Letting the Lord lead them & turning to Him for comfort. This is how He wants it. He wants us when we are at our weakest. When we are at our lowest. When we are at our darkest. He loves us & knows what we can handle.
Right now it is not understandable why we must endure so much pain. In the end the reasoning will be shown to us.
My prayer today is for all of those mommies & daddies who not able to hold their babies in their arms; for peace & comfort as they must go on living with a piece of their heart missing. To one day know this too will be made right.
I always thought that after my loss I would always be there for my friends & family if they were to ever face the same ordeal of losing a child. However, I have found this tough & not as easy to comfort someone as I had originally thought. I feel absolutely helpless, but I hope that I do have the right words when the time comes. I know that my loss has meaning whether that is to help someone else out or to show what love I have for our Lord even through such great tragedy.
Today I went to the memorial of a sweet baby girl whose life was short & brief, yet has brought so much to my life & I know for many others who were following her story as well. She grew in her mother's womb for 32 weeks with a birth defect that we prayed would not take her life. We prayed that she would be healed & live a normal life. We prayed she would be used to show us how to fight. Unfortunately, God had another plan.
I had never been to a memorial for an infant & it was quite an experience, as well as heartbreaking. The pastor spoke of this baby as if she had lived for 32 years. It was comforting & he said some things that my husband said he had needed to hear.
Her parents are strong & steady. Letting the Lord lead them & turning to Him for comfort. This is how He wants it. He wants us when we are at our weakest. When we are at our lowest. When we are at our darkest. He loves us & knows what we can handle.
Right now it is not understandable why we must endure so much pain. In the end the reasoning will be shown to us.
My prayer today is for all of those mommies & daddies who not able to hold their babies in their arms; for peace & comfort as they must go on living with a piece of their heart missing. To one day know this too will be made right.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Family Game Nights
Oh how I L.O.V.E. Family Game Nights!
We bought a used Wii with our income tax & when we have a few extra dollars we go to the used games shop & buy a game to try out on game night. Or we play Yahtzee, which is my favorite game. I manage to win & I actually have no kind of strategy! That my friends is called L-U-C-K.
We eat junk food & play whatever game we can agree on. Usually someone gets their feelings hurt by the end of the night from losing & we have to call it a night. This is usually the same person who ribs those losing when they are in the lead. It is quite comical.
When I was a child & we played games, my dad cheated. Then that was passed down to my older brother. I have never mastered the art of cheating. The best I can do is when we play Uno & I lay down an extra card. I am sure my family is going to read this & be keeping a close eye on me in the future.
Not many people sit down to a meal together, much less have a game night. We have a small apartment so no dining table. However, we all sit together in the living room & talk about our day while we eat or watch a movie. We are together nonetheless.
We always ate dinner together when I was a child. We prayed before we ate & enjoyed small talk with dinner. Then it was time for dishes & then bed. I am glad we did that when I was a child. It is that close togetherness that children need. I think it makes them feel loved & secure.
Family is all we have at the end of the day anyhow.
We bought a used Wii with our income tax & when we have a few extra dollars we go to the used games shop & buy a game to try out on game night. Or we play Yahtzee, which is my favorite game. I manage to win & I actually have no kind of strategy! That my friends is called L-U-C-K.
We eat junk food & play whatever game we can agree on. Usually someone gets their feelings hurt by the end of the night from losing & we have to call it a night. This is usually the same person who ribs those losing when they are in the lead. It is quite comical.
When I was a child & we played games, my dad cheated. Then that was passed down to my older brother. I have never mastered the art of cheating. The best I can do is when we play Uno & I lay down an extra card. I am sure my family is going to read this & be keeping a close eye on me in the future.
Not many people sit down to a meal together, much less have a game night. We have a small apartment so no dining table. However, we all sit together in the living room & talk about our day while we eat or watch a movie. We are together nonetheless.
We always ate dinner together when I was a child. We prayed before we ate & enjoyed small talk with dinner. Then it was time for dishes & then bed. I am glad we did that when I was a child. It is that close togetherness that children need. I think it makes them feel loved & secure.
Family is all we have at the end of the day anyhow.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Summer Update
I cannot believe it is already July! That means only about a month until school starts again. Andrea will be in the 8th grade & Makaila will be in the 3rd. Before we know it, Andrea will be driving & then dating. Ugh! So not ready for that one bit.
This July we have not had much excitement. Since we are so dry, we did not get a 4th of July show. Usually they have fireworks at the park & we sit in the parking lot of one of the churches close by. This year they did a laser light show & from what I understood, you had to actually be inside of the park to see it. Which stinks.
We have been experiencing 3 digit weather & with no rain, it has been pretty bad. We had a month of fires, which to me, seem to have tapered off. Hopefully people around here are using their noggins when grilling & smoking cigarettes outside.
The girls have been laying around watching movies, going to the park & swimming. We went camping at the end of June with my parents & it was quite fun! We got to spend time with my brothers & their families. JD has been keeping the kids during the day & umpiring in the evening & weekends. He had a few weeks off except for weekend tournaments & the season just started full-swing again.
I hope & pray everyone is having a safe & happy summer. Enjoy it while it lasts!
This July we have not had much excitement. Since we are so dry, we did not get a 4th of July show. Usually they have fireworks at the park & we sit in the parking lot of one of the churches close by. This year they did a laser light show & from what I understood, you had to actually be inside of the park to see it. Which stinks.
We have been experiencing 3 digit weather & with no rain, it has been pretty bad. We had a month of fires, which to me, seem to have tapered off. Hopefully people around here are using their noggins when grilling & smoking cigarettes outside.
The girls have been laying around watching movies, going to the park & swimming. We went camping at the end of June with my parents & it was quite fun! We got to spend time with my brothers & their families. JD has been keeping the kids during the day & umpiring in the evening & weekends. He had a few weeks off except for weekend tournaments & the season just started full-swing again.
I hope & pray everyone is having a safe & happy summer. Enjoy it while it lasts!
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Grief is...
All engulfing
Managing
The price we pay
Healing
Good for us
More than emotion
Common
Sharing
A natural reaction
Long
Learning to live without
Heart-rending
Inevitable
Work
Part of Life
A unique challenge
Like a river
A journey
The agony
Cruel
No longer forbidden
Normal
Like a tsunami
Managing
The price we pay
Healing
Good for us
More than emotion
Common
Sharing
A natural reaction
Long
Learning to live without
Heart-rending
Inevitable
Work
Part of Life
A unique challenge
Like a river
A journey
The agony
Cruel
No longer forbidden
Normal
Like a tsunami
Monday, July 25, 2011
The Gift
I have a gift. I did not want this gift, it meant suffering and pain. The pain came because of love. A love which had manifested itself in a child. The child brought its love to me and asked for my love. Sometimes I did not understand this. Sometimes I did not appreciate it. Sometimes I was too busy to listen quietly to this love. But the love persisted; it was always there.
One day the child died. But the love remained. This time the love came in other forms. This time there were memories; there was sadness and anguish. And unbeleivable pain.
One day a stranger came and stood with me. The stranger listened and occasionally spoke. The stranger said "I understand", and did. You see the stranger had also been this way. We talked and cried together. The stranger touched me to comfort. The stranger became my friend as no other had. My friend said "I am always here", and was.
One day I lifted my head. I noticed another grieving, grey and drawn with pain. I approached and spoke. I touched and comforted. I said, "I will walk with you", and did.
I also had the gift.
author-Joe Lawley, is the co-founder parent of The Compassionate Friends.
Death is...
Milliseconds away
Not an option
Personal
An illusion
Sleep
Not dying
A mystery
Sought
Not glamorous
Real
Different
Silent
Not the end
Just the beginning
In store
Not dull
A familiar tragedy
Inevitable
Oddly life enhancing
Not the same
The road to awe
Not an option
Personal
An illusion
Sleep
Not dying
A mystery
Sought
Not glamorous
Real
Different
Silent
Not the end
Just the beginning
In store
Not dull
A familiar tragedy
Inevitable
Oddly life enhancing
Not the same
The road to awe
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Death & Grief
Death is a part of Life. You can't have life without death. Grief is death's best friend. Grief likes to torture us & give us headaches. We all lose & grieve in our lifetime. Some not to the extent as others, but we all experience it one way or another.
I know you have read me say this before, but grief is like a punch in the gut, it takes your breath away. Some days it feels like you are going to die yourself. You are thinking your heart just cannot take anymore or it will explode!
When I hear someone has lost a baby or child, it tears at my heartstrings. More now than it did before my own loss. I use to only be able to say "I can only imagine". Now, I can say "I know".
I never try to compare my grief or my feelings to another person's, as they may not feel the same way I did at that moment. I know grief is grief, but I do not think one should say to another "I know how you feel". Really? How do you know? Yes, you have been at the same crossroad & have had the same outcome, but you do not know how that person is feeling. I say wait it out & if they talk to you & their feelings are in fact the same as yours once were, then I think it is safe to say you know. You never want to downplay someone else's grief, nor make it your own.
In the beginning I cried day & night. Everything set me off. I would beg for God to hurry up & let six months pass. My thinking was, in six months I will be over this. I will be better & I can start over. Not everyone prays for life to pass them by when they lose someone. Some do not cry day & night.
I have met a few mothers who have just wanted to hurry & have another child & seem to be fine with that. Yes, they have bad days & are sad, but not to the extent of losing it right there in front of me. They are cool & calm, not the way I would say I had handled it. I never held back. If I was having a panic attack or just needed to bawl, I started right then & there. I did not want another child & I knew for me, it would not help me one bit in doing so. I needed to just be left alone to grieve with my husband.
I do not grieve the same way as I did 4-years ago, but I still grieve. I know that I have since been blessed with a precious baby boy, but that will never take away my pain & sorrow. My heart is scarred & will never be healed. It can be ripped open at any moment & I will grieve again. I just know how to live with grief in my life now. It will never go away while I am alive here on earth & I am okay with that, now.
Today I pray for peace & comfort for parents & grandparents who have lost their baby/grand-baby or child/grandchild. It is devastating & not something anyone of us would wish on our worst enemy. I would wish crabs or something, but not for their child to be taken by death.
I know you have read me say this before, but grief is like a punch in the gut, it takes your breath away. Some days it feels like you are going to die yourself. You are thinking your heart just cannot take anymore or it will explode!
When I hear someone has lost a baby or child, it tears at my heartstrings. More now than it did before my own loss. I use to only be able to say "I can only imagine". Now, I can say "I know".
I never try to compare my grief or my feelings to another person's, as they may not feel the same way I did at that moment. I know grief is grief, but I do not think one should say to another "I know how you feel". Really? How do you know? Yes, you have been at the same crossroad & have had the same outcome, but you do not know how that person is feeling. I say wait it out & if they talk to you & their feelings are in fact the same as yours once were, then I think it is safe to say you know. You never want to downplay someone else's grief, nor make it your own.
In the beginning I cried day & night. Everything set me off. I would beg for God to hurry up & let six months pass. My thinking was, in six months I will be over this. I will be better & I can start over. Not everyone prays for life to pass them by when they lose someone. Some do not cry day & night.
I have met a few mothers who have just wanted to hurry & have another child & seem to be fine with that. Yes, they have bad days & are sad, but not to the extent of losing it right there in front of me. They are cool & calm, not the way I would say I had handled it. I never held back. If I was having a panic attack or just needed to bawl, I started right then & there. I did not want another child & I knew for me, it would not help me one bit in doing so. I needed to just be left alone to grieve with my husband.
I do not grieve the same way as I did 4-years ago, but I still grieve. I know that I have since been blessed with a precious baby boy, but that will never take away my pain & sorrow. My heart is scarred & will never be healed. It can be ripped open at any moment & I will grieve again. I just know how to live with grief in my life now. It will never go away while I am alive here on earth & I am okay with that, now.
Today I pray for peace & comfort for parents & grandparents who have lost their baby/grand-baby or child/grandchild. It is devastating & not something anyone of us would wish on our worst enemy. I would wish crabs or something, but not for their child to be taken by death.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
My Indian Giver
I was given a dream, a future that started planning in my mind.
I was given a miracle, a bundle of love I was supposed to have for the rest of my time.
I was given these thoughts of security and peace.
I was given the sense to feel, kicks and flutters of your tiny feet.
I was given my heart, another beat under my own.
You, my little boy, were supposed to be mine to love have and hold.
As I waited for you I got your room ready.
I picked your name and started planning.
I was getting anxious for you, waiting for your cries.
I wanted your little finger wrapped around mine.
I wanted to take the weight from my belly and have it put in my arms.
I wanted to nurse you and make you so strong.
The day I woke up and couldn't feel you move, I knew something wasn't right.
I went to get your daddy and we drove as fast as we could with nothing but you in our minds.
Thinking that when we got there we would her your heart pound,
but when we got there we heard nothing, not a flinch, not a sound.
When we saw you on the screen as still as could be,
It tore out my core out and that was when I lost me.
I could feel a piece of you leave as I screamed for someone to help.
You left me in that scream and to my knees I fell.
You were created with so much love, I thought that it was enough to make Him let you stay.
I keep replaying what I did wrong and how I could have changed that day.
I would have given my life for you, if I knew you were leaving me, if I had the chance.
I would have taken your place if only He would have asked.
I don't want to be without you and somehow I am labeled a survivor.
Hopefully God you will forgive me for calling you my Indian Giver.
Written by Nichole Cavote
I was given a miracle, a bundle of love I was supposed to have for the rest of my time.
I was given these thoughts of security and peace.
I was given the sense to feel, kicks and flutters of your tiny feet.
I was given my heart, another beat under my own.
You, my little boy, were supposed to be mine to love have and hold.
As I waited for you I got your room ready.
I picked your name and started planning.
I was getting anxious for you, waiting for your cries.
I wanted your little finger wrapped around mine.
I wanted to take the weight from my belly and have it put in my arms.
I wanted to nurse you and make you so strong.
The day I woke up and couldn't feel you move, I knew something wasn't right.
I went to get your daddy and we drove as fast as we could with nothing but you in our minds.
Thinking that when we got there we would her your heart pound,
but when we got there we heard nothing, not a flinch, not a sound.
When we saw you on the screen as still as could be,
It tore out my core out and that was when I lost me.
I could feel a piece of you leave as I screamed for someone to help.
You left me in that scream and to my knees I fell.
You were created with so much love, I thought that it was enough to make Him let you stay.
I keep replaying what I did wrong and how I could have changed that day.
I would have given my life for you, if I knew you were leaving me, if I had the chance.
I would have taken your place if only He would have asked.
I don't want to be without you and somehow I am labeled a survivor.
Hopefully God you will forgive me for calling you my Indian Giver.
Written by Nichole Cavote
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
SuMmEr TiMe!
Today marks the beginning of summer break for my girls & JD, even though school ended for him a few weeks ago. Now it is time for sleeping in, movie marathons, barbies, swimming pool time & staying up late.
I remember carefree summers. Granted it is nothing like it use to be. We stayed out late with the neighborhood kids playing hide-n-go seek in the dark & tag by porch light. I remember catching locus & collecting their dried skin stuck to the trees. Locus freak me out now though & we really do not have as many as we use to have. I wish my girls could enjoy those times with my 11 year-old self. Wouldn't that be something?
I love my hubby working part-time right now because he gets his own bonding time with his children. Granted, in a few weeks he may be begging for "free time"...lol! I love that he watches the baby when I am at work so we do not have to put him in the hands of strangers, aka daycare (it is that fear thing I talked about in my last post). I know with JD, Crispin is getting 100% of his attention & he is taken very good care of. I am a little jealous, but I know when JD gets done with school I plan to cut back on work to be with the children & hopefully get us all into volunteering somewhere.
I pray our summer is not filled with the dryness we have been experiencing right now, especially because of all of the fires we have been experiencing. They are talking about not having a firework show this year because of all the fires. Safety first! I pray for each & everyone of you to have an awesome & safe summer.
I remember carefree summers. Granted it is nothing like it use to be. We stayed out late with the neighborhood kids playing hide-n-go seek in the dark & tag by porch light. I remember catching locus & collecting their dried skin stuck to the trees. Locus freak me out now though & we really do not have as many as we use to have. I wish my girls could enjoy those times with my 11 year-old self. Wouldn't that be something?
I love my hubby working part-time right now because he gets his own bonding time with his children. Granted, in a few weeks he may be begging for "free time"...lol! I love that he watches the baby when I am at work so we do not have to put him in the hands of strangers, aka daycare (it is that fear thing I talked about in my last post). I know with JD, Crispin is getting 100% of his attention & he is taken very good care of. I am a little jealous, but I know when JD gets done with school I plan to cut back on work to be with the children & hopefully get us all into volunteering somewhere.
I pray our summer is not filled with the dryness we have been experiencing right now, especially because of all of the fires we have been experiencing. They are talking about not having a firework show this year because of all the fires. Safety first! I pray for each & everyone of you to have an awesome & safe summer.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Thoughts of a Crazy Woman-er Mama
Time really does fly by when you are having fun! Where does it go, no one knows.
I remember thinking about all the things my girls would do when they were babies, like rolling over, walking, talking, but with Crispin it is different. I am not sure if it is because he is the last baby JD & I will have or if it is from knowing how fast a life can end. No matter how long or short it is.
Instead, I have woken myself, as well as JD, during the middle of the night to make sure Crispin is still breathing, that he is not too hot or too cold. That he has his paci or just to put him bed with us. When I go to the store I look around to make sure some crazy person is not about to jump out & steal my baby from me & make him their own.
One night, after our late night nursing session, I woke to find that Crispin was smashed up against me with the covers over his head. I pulled the covers back & touched his face, thinking it would startle him enough to make his hand move. But nothing. So, I lifted his hand up & it fell back down to the bed like he had been t.k.o.'d. I did this three more times all with the same result. I turned his head over to look at me, but that did nothing. Soon I had him uncovered & was shaking him a little. By this time I had startled JD & he was telling me he was fine & to look at his chest rising & falling. Sure enough he was because by now he was awake & ticked off! I just laid there laughing at myself.
I know he is a happy, healthy, 16.6 pound baby who loves his mama & is best friends with his daddy. Who loves his sisters & their crazy ways. Who loves to nurse, talk & smile, not always in that order. So, for now I will Praise Jesus for blessing me with my sweet precious boy & my beautiful little girls. I will enjoy their precious moments, for I know one day I will miss this.
The Princess
The Duchess
The Prince
I remember thinking about all the things my girls would do when they were babies, like rolling over, walking, talking, but with Crispin it is different. I am not sure if it is because he is the last baby JD & I will have or if it is from knowing how fast a life can end. No matter how long or short it is.
Instead, I have woken myself, as well as JD, during the middle of the night to make sure Crispin is still breathing, that he is not too hot or too cold. That he has his paci or just to put him bed with us. When I go to the store I look around to make sure some crazy person is not about to jump out & steal my baby from me & make him their own.
One night, after our late night nursing session, I woke to find that Crispin was smashed up against me with the covers over his head. I pulled the covers back & touched his face, thinking it would startle him enough to make his hand move. But nothing. So, I lifted his hand up & it fell back down to the bed like he had been t.k.o.'d. I did this three more times all with the same result. I turned his head over to look at me, but that did nothing. Soon I had him uncovered & was shaking him a little. By this time I had startled JD & he was telling me he was fine & to look at his chest rising & falling. Sure enough he was because by now he was awake & ticked off! I just laid there laughing at myself.
I know he is a happy, healthy, 16.6 pound baby who loves his mama & is best friends with his daddy. Who loves his sisters & their crazy ways. Who loves to nurse, talk & smile, not always in that order. So, for now I will Praise Jesus for blessing me with my sweet precious boy & my beautiful little girls. I will enjoy their precious moments, for I know one day I will miss this.
The Princess
The Duchess
The PrinceMonday, May 09, 2011
Mother's Day, a Blessed Day!
Yesterday was Mother's Day & I had a blessed day!
The girls & I went to church. We enjoyed great praise & worship music & heard a great sermon. After church they made some homemade Mother's Day cards.
I went to eat dinner with my mom, sister-in-love, my grandma, my aunt Na & my cousin. Every year my mom treats us all to dinner. The last couple of years we have went to Texas Roadhouse. We chat with one another & enjoy great food. Later that evening my little brother took my mom & I to Ruby Tequila's. That was really nice as well.
I could not help it, but there was one thing that stuck in my mind the whole day was mothers without their children & children without their mothers.
I am blessed to have had two beautiful healthy girls before my precious Nehemiah came into & back out of our lives. I am blessed to still have my beautiful mother to celebrate Mother's Day with & her mother, who if it weren't for her I would not have my mother. I am also blessed to have a new baby boy to celebrate Mother's Day with.
My heart aches to think that one day my mother will not be here to celebrate our special day. Or that God could call another one of my children home to be with Him. I have to try not to think about these things & enjoy the time I have with each of them now. Just as I am sure when Father's Day approaches I will have these same thoughts, fathers without their children & children without their fathers.
I do believe with all of my heart that whether you have 15 children or 1, you are a mother or father. I also believe if any of those children, or all for that matter, were to be called home, you are still a mother or a father. Just the same as you are still someone's child if your parents are called home. It does not make us feel better, but hopefully brings peace knowing that one day we will never have to go a day without the one(s) we love.
I pray daily for my friends & family who are without their parents &/or children. It is tough to go on living feeling like you are not complete no matter how many years go by or how many children you have. Something will always be missing.
So for now we must make the best of the time we have & make new memories, remember the ones & just live life the way the ones we are missing would have wanted us to live it.
Happy Mother's Day After!
The girls & I went to church. We enjoyed great praise & worship music & heard a great sermon. After church they made some homemade Mother's Day cards.
I went to eat dinner with my mom, sister-in-love, my grandma, my aunt Na & my cousin. Every year my mom treats us all to dinner. The last couple of years we have went to Texas Roadhouse. We chat with one another & enjoy great food. Later that evening my little brother took my mom & I to Ruby Tequila's. That was really nice as well.
I could not help it, but there was one thing that stuck in my mind the whole day was mothers without their children & children without their mothers.
I am blessed to have had two beautiful healthy girls before my precious Nehemiah came into & back out of our lives. I am blessed to still have my beautiful mother to celebrate Mother's Day with & her mother, who if it weren't for her I would not have my mother. I am also blessed to have a new baby boy to celebrate Mother's Day with.
My heart aches to think that one day my mother will not be here to celebrate our special day. Or that God could call another one of my children home to be with Him. I have to try not to think about these things & enjoy the time I have with each of them now. Just as I am sure when Father's Day approaches I will have these same thoughts, fathers without their children & children without their fathers.
I do believe with all of my heart that whether you have 15 children or 1, you are a mother or father. I also believe if any of those children, or all for that matter, were to be called home, you are still a mother or a father. Just the same as you are still someone's child if your parents are called home. It does not make us feel better, but hopefully brings peace knowing that one day we will never have to go a day without the one(s) we love.
I pray daily for my friends & family who are without their parents &/or children. It is tough to go on living feeling like you are not complete no matter how many years go by or how many children you have. Something will always be missing.
So for now we must make the best of the time we have & make new memories, remember the ones & just live life the way the ones we are missing would have wanted us to live it.
Happy Mother's Day After!
Saturday, April 30, 2011
March for Babies 2011
What a blast the walk was this year!
We did not have nearly as many people walk with us as last year, but we had quite a few new walkers. It started out windy & cool & actually turned into a pretty nice day.
My team, Team Nehemiah, raised $527.26! When I got everything started we only had 8 weeks left to get some money collected. We did not raise as much as last year, but we did meet our goal of $500.00!
I get so envious of other family teams who bring in $1,000's of dollars, but I have to remind myself that I am just starting out. Some of the family teams have been doing this a while & have got their supporters already lined up. I am praying that next year I can get my teammates more involved so we can get some more donations.
I know the walk for babies is not only about the monetary donations, it also about getting awareness out there that women need prenatal care & babies do need to be vaccinated. I would not have had the option for a 1st Trimester Screening had it not been for the March of Dimes & without that I might have stressed myself out into having a preemie baby instead of my 6lb 12 1/2oz healthy baby boy.
March of Dimes is my passion! Be on the lookout for posts in the future about fundraising & we can save some babies together!
Gracie, Laci, JD, Bo, Dad, Anthony, Mom, Lisa, Debbie, Kasi, Jillian, Priscilla, Me/Crispin,
Cadence, KK, Carson, Myka, Eli, Arianna, AB, Xavier
Thank you to my walkers & those of you who contributed & for supporting my cause!
Mom, dad, Kasi, JD, Me/Crispin, Andrea,
Carson, Cadence & KK
This is for you son!
We did not have nearly as many people walk with us as last year, but we had quite a few new walkers. It started out windy & cool & actually turned into a pretty nice day.
My team, Team Nehemiah, raised $527.26! When I got everything started we only had 8 weeks left to get some money collected. We did not raise as much as last year, but we did meet our goal of $500.00!
I get so envious of other family teams who bring in $1,000's of dollars, but I have to remind myself that I am just starting out. Some of the family teams have been doing this a while & have got their supporters already lined up. I am praying that next year I can get my teammates more involved so we can get some more donations.
I know the walk for babies is not only about the monetary donations, it also about getting awareness out there that women need prenatal care & babies do need to be vaccinated. I would not have had the option for a 1st Trimester Screening had it not been for the March of Dimes & without that I might have stressed myself out into having a preemie baby instead of my 6lb 12 1/2oz healthy baby boy.
March of Dimes is my passion! Be on the lookout for posts in the future about fundraising & we can save some babies together!
Gracie, Laci, JD, Bo, Dad, Anthony, Mom, Lisa, Debbie, Kasi, Jillian, Priscilla, Me/Crispin,Cadence, KK, Carson, Myka, Eli, Arianna, AB, Xavier
Mom, dad, Kasi, JD, Me/Crispin, Andrea,Carson, Cadence & KK
This is for you son!Tuesday, April 05, 2011
What is My Passion?
It is just 3 1/2 weeks away until the March of Dimes' March for Babies. I got a late start this year, which made me feel a little overwhelmed about a week ago. So, I put my thinking cap on & started plotting fundraiser ideas.
This past weekend my eldest daughter & I had our bake sale. We had typed up a letter detailing why we walk & asked each mother & daughter to bake something & then help us hold a bake sale to raise money. We had a great turn out! Two of my daughter's teachers even chipped in.
This always makes me feel great that I can do something like this. I don't raise thousands of dollars like some family teams are able to, but hopefully one day I can. To help with funding research to save the life of a baby born too soon or keep a baby from being born too soon or to stop a baby from being born with a birth defect, that is my passion!
This past weekend my eldest daughter & I had our bake sale. We had typed up a letter detailing why we walk & asked each mother & daughter to bake something & then help us hold a bake sale to raise money. We had a great turn out! Two of my daughter's teachers even chipped in.
This always makes me feel great that I can do something like this. I don't raise thousands of dollars like some family teams are able to, but hopefully one day I can. To help with funding research to save the life of a baby born too soon or keep a baby from being born too soon or to stop a baby from being born with a birth defect, that is my passion!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
He Gives Beauty for Ashes
While I nurse Crispin, we tend to lock eyes just for a moment. He looks away or closes his eyes to drift off to sleep. At these times I think about how beautiful he is with his big brown eyes, long eye lashes peach fuzz head. I think of how innocent he is & how pure his soul is.
Sometimes my thoughts drift on to the son I never got to nurse. I always wonder how Nehemiah would have looked. I have had visions or met children whom I thought had characteristics my baby might have had.
When Nehemiah was born, he was fully formed just really small. His skin was red & he had not grown any hair yet. His skin was smooth & glossy, not the same feel as a newborn. His eyes were closed, but his lips were parted & you could see his tongue. I might seem a little "off my rocker", but when I look at his pictures I see JD in him.
At times when I have been playing with Crispin or nursing him these lyrics have come to mind:
"He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear Gladness for mourning Peace for despair" ~Crystal Lewis
I know that God never gives us more than we can handle & sometimes I feel people come into our lives at different times to teach us something. It may seem unfair when they have to go, but I know that God has a plan for me & I have to have faith in Him & let Him lead me.
My "beauties for ashes" (4days old)
Sometimes my thoughts drift on to the son I never got to nurse. I always wonder how Nehemiah would have looked. I have had visions or met children whom I thought had characteristics my baby might have had.When Nehemiah was born, he was fully formed just really small. His skin was red & he had not grown any hair yet. His skin was smooth & glossy, not the same feel as a newborn. His eyes were closed, but his lips were parted & you could see his tongue. I might seem a little "off my rocker", but when I look at his pictures I see JD in him.
At times when I have been playing with Crispin or nursing him these lyrics have come to mind:
"He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear Gladness for mourning Peace for despair" ~Crystal Lewis
I know that God never gives us more than we can handle & sometimes I feel people come into our lives at different times to teach us something. It may seem unfair when they have to go, but I know that God has a plan for me & I have to have faith in Him & let Him lead me.
My "beauties for ashes" (4days old)
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
BREATHE! RELAX!
Is this year going by rather quickly or is it the maternity leave that I took or just life itself?
In just a few short weeks is the March of Dimes' March for Babies. This time last year I had already raise a couple of hundred bucks, had our t-shirts designed & had recruited walkers. This year, I have not raised anything, I do not have my t-shirt design yet (which I just asked a friend to assist me with) & I only have a few sweet people signed up. I have tons of ideas to raise the money this year, but I just feel rushed & out of time.
So, I am trying to tell myself to relax, just do what you can. My sweet oldest daughter is rounding up girlfriends & their mothers to help us with a bake sale. We are hoping to do it this coming weekend at our local Wal-Mart. Now, just to let everyone know that she has invited when & where. As well as asking a few of my sweet family members to help out.
Typing this out has my heart rate up (lol)! For any of you reading this who feel compelled to make a small, medium or large donation please go here & donate. Anything would be appreciated.
So, here is to BREATHING & RELAXING! There is always the rest of this year & the next to reach my goal.
God Bless You All!
In just a few short weeks is the March of Dimes' March for Babies. This time last year I had already raise a couple of hundred bucks, had our t-shirts designed & had recruited walkers. This year, I have not raised anything, I do not have my t-shirt design yet (which I just asked a friend to assist me with) & I only have a few sweet people signed up. I have tons of ideas to raise the money this year, but I just feel rushed & out of time.
So, I am trying to tell myself to relax, just do what you can. My sweet oldest daughter is rounding up girlfriends & their mothers to help us with a bake sale. We are hoping to do it this coming weekend at our local Wal-Mart. Now, just to let everyone know that she has invited when & where. As well as asking a few of my sweet family members to help out.
Typing this out has my heart rate up (lol)! For any of you reading this who feel compelled to make a small, medium or large donation please go here & donate. Anything would be appreciated.
So, here is to BREATHING & RELAXING! There is always the rest of this year & the next to reach my goal.
God Bless You All!
Saturday, March 05, 2011
A Little Something to Think About
Today I have been thinking of my children, which I do everyday. What I was thinking about is how blessed I am that the three children I have in my presence are healthy, happy & thriving. That leads me to then think about the child that will never be healthy, happy & thriving in my presence.
JD said he had been listening to the radio & they were playing a St. Jude's clip. He said one child stuck out to him the most, even made him cry & not because of his story, but because he will never get his first kiss, first date, first child, etc. As he told me the young boy's story, it got me to thinking about our son, Nehemiah. How he never got his first kiss from mama, daddy & sisters, his first drop of my milk, his first real bath, etc.
We need to remind ourselves every now & again that what we take for granted in our everyday lives, someone else is missing out on. I am not saying not to live your life or to be miserable because someone else will never be doing the very thing you are doing right now. What I would like for you to do is go the rest of your days being thankful for the things you have done & are doing today in the present. I was raised to believe that if you think you have it bad, there is always some else who has it worse.
We never know how long we have in life. Tomorrow as you drive to work you could be hit by a drunk driver & die. Your infant could go to sleep & never wake up. Your sister could be beaten to death or your brother could get ran over while riding his motorcycle. You could get into a fight with your dad or mom & in the morning they not wake up from their sleep & you will never get to say you are sorry.
We all take life for granted in way or another. Sometimes we never think the worse could happen to us. Or we blame others for our misfortunes & never take a step back to see that we are the problem & we need to fix it before it is too late.
So cherish what you do have, kiss your babies goodnight & say I love you to those in your life. Never forget the ones who have gone on before you or the hardships you have endured in your life, but be thankful for all the good & the bad. Remember everyday to thank Jesus, the Man who bore our cross & thorns so that we may have eternal life.
JD said he had been listening to the radio & they were playing a St. Jude's clip. He said one child stuck out to him the most, even made him cry & not because of his story, but because he will never get his first kiss, first date, first child, etc. As he told me the young boy's story, it got me to thinking about our son, Nehemiah. How he never got his first kiss from mama, daddy & sisters, his first drop of my milk, his first real bath, etc.
We need to remind ourselves every now & again that what we take for granted in our everyday lives, someone else is missing out on. I am not saying not to live your life or to be miserable because someone else will never be doing the very thing you are doing right now. What I would like for you to do is go the rest of your days being thankful for the things you have done & are doing today in the present. I was raised to believe that if you think you have it bad, there is always some else who has it worse.
We never know how long we have in life. Tomorrow as you drive to work you could be hit by a drunk driver & die. Your infant could go to sleep & never wake up. Your sister could be beaten to death or your brother could get ran over while riding his motorcycle. You could get into a fight with your dad or mom & in the morning they not wake up from their sleep & you will never get to say you are sorry.
We all take life for granted in way or another. Sometimes we never think the worse could happen to us. Or we blame others for our misfortunes & never take a step back to see that we are the problem & we need to fix it before it is too late.
So cherish what you do have, kiss your babies goodnight & say I love you to those in your life. Never forget the ones who have gone on before you or the hardships you have endured in your life, but be thankful for all the good & the bad. Remember everyday to thank Jesus, the Man who bore our cross & thorns so that we may have eternal life.
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