Captue Your Grief Day 3 - Myth

One of the myths I heard after our loss is "Time will heal your heart".

Once something has been broken or torn apart, it can never be completely whole again.

The bandaid represents how we hold it together, but how easy it can come apart again.

My Personal Struggle

I have struggles, just as many of you out there. I try to look up to God & pray to Him when I am in my darkest hour. I still try to remember to say my morning & evening prayers everyday, along w/my noon ones when I hear of a struggling family, child or a loss of a loved one. My biggest struggle is the loss of my son. Seeing other mothers w/their babies sometimes brings tears to my eyes. I love children & since I was a little girl I had always wanted lots of babies.

I miss my son & what could have been. Nehemiah was due to be born March 8, 2008, but I would have had a scheduled c-section due to my previous two, so he would have come the last week of February.

When other women are pregnant I try to be happy for them, but when they say they weren't trying or didn't want kids it stings. Especially women who do not take care of themselves &/or they already have children they do not care for, it really hurts. I know I have no right to say who should have children & who should not & I try not to judge, but I am human & the green eyed jealous monster comes out & I think the worst.

I do wonder who would he look like & what would he grow up to be?
Would he have been mommy's little boy?
When everyone around is holding their baby w/out a care when I lost mine & will never get to hold him on earth I want to tell them so they know.

I want my son to spend holidays w/& get to celebrate his firsts & I want to hold him while he sleeps & smell his baby breath.
I want to be able to complain about no sleep & smelling like spit up & laugh at him making baby sounds & funny faces while he sleeps.
I know one day in heaven I will get to see my smiling boy & do all the things I am missing out on now. I just want it now!

When I am having a moment, I try to keep it to myself so I don't bring everyone else down around me. Which half of the time, they do not seem to notice me there anyways. They go on about their business & I still hurt. Waiting for some words of comfort or support, maybe a hug. There are people in my own family who have not said anything to me since my loss. I can tell when I am making someone uncomfortable when I bring it up & when people ask me if I will ever try for a third child or for a son. That is always awkward, more for them than for me. I get that look though when I tell them & that makes me feel awkward. I know that not everyone has been through this experience and it is easier to just ignore it, because what can you "REALLY" say to make things better? I do have advice for people who know someone who has lost a baby, HUG THEM!! Tell them you love them!! & ask them if they want to just talk about it. That is what I would like people to do for me. THAT WOULD BE THE NICEST THING EVER!!

I know some people they wonder "when will they get over it?" "when will they just move on?"...well, I cannot answer those questions for you. We take it one day at a time. If we are to get pregnant it will be by the grace of God, as we are not trying at the moment.
But for now I will meet you in my dreams Nehemiah & we will play patty cake & smile at each other until I can be where you are.

Mommy, Please Don't Cry.....

There are No Tears in Heaven.

Written by: Linda Dey Maz
Illustrations by: Laurie Snow Hein

I read this book after a girl from our support group suggested it. I do not want to copy it word for word, but I would like to share somethings from it, along with the scriptures printed in it.

"Mommy, please don't cry...
A beautiful angel carried me here!"
Let the little children come to Me, and do not hinder them for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Luke 18:15-17
"I met Jesus today, Mommy!
Ha cradled me in His arms.
He made me feel so happy inside."

He will wipe every tear from their eyes.
There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain,
for the old order of things has passed away. Revelations 21:4

"When it's time to rest angels tuck us in,
I never get scared mommy,
there is no darkness here!
Jesus is the light of Heaven."

Take heed that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven. Matthew 18:10

"Mommy, please don't cry...
I'll wait right here for you."

Thankful for My Thorns

After receiving this in an email a week before Thanksgiving 2007, I was inspired to write our Thanksgiving prayer.

Sandra felt as low as the heels of her Birkenstocks as she pushed against a November gust and the florist shop door. Her life had been easy, like spring breeze.

Then in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a minor automobile accident stole her ease. During this Thanksgiving week she would have delivered a son.

She grieved over her loss. As if that weren't enough, her husband's company threatened a transfer. Then her sister, whose holiday visit she coveted, called saying she could not come. What's worse, Sandra's friend infuriated her by suggesting her grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer. "She has no idea what I'm feeling," thought Sandra. "Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?" she wondered. For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For an airbag that saved her life but took the life of her unborn child?

"Good afternoon, can I help you?" The shop clerk's approach startled her. "I ... I need an arrangement," stammered Sandra. "For Thanksgiving? Do you want beautiful but ordinary, or would you like to challenge the day with a customer favorite I call the 'Thanksgiving Special'?" asked the shop clerk. "I'm convinced that flowers tell stories," she continued. "Are you looking for something that conveys 'gratitude' this Thanksgiving?"

"Not exactly!" Sandra blurted out. "In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong."

Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the shop clerk said, "I have the perfect arrangement for you."

Then the door's small bell rang, and the shop clerk said, "Hi, Barbara ... let me get your order." She politely excused herself and walked toward a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and long-stemmed thorny roses. Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped. There were no flowers!

"Want this in a box?" asked the clerk. Sandra watched for the customer's response. Was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed. "Yes, please," Barbara replied with an appreciative smile. "You'd think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn't be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again," she said as she gently tapped her chest.

"Uh," stammered Sandra, "that lady just left with, uh ... she just left with no flowers!"

"Right, said the clerk, "I cut off the flowers. That's the Special. I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet."

"Oh, come on, you can't tell me someone is willing to pay for that!" exclaimed Sandra.

"Barbara came into the shop three years ago feeling much like you feel today," explained the clerk. "She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had lost her father to cancer, the family business was failing, her son was into drugs, and she was facing major surgery."

"That same year I had lost my husband," continued the clerk," and for the first time in my life, had just spent the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too great a debt to allow any travel."

"So what did you do?" asked Sandra.

"I learned to be thankful for thorns," answered the clerk quietly.

"I've always thanked God for good things in life and never to ask Him why those good things happened to me, but when bad stuff hit, did I ever ask! It took time for me to learn that dark times are important. I have always enjoyed the 'flowers' of life, but it took thorns to show me the beauty of God's comfort. You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we're afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others."

Sandra sucked in her breath as she thought about the very thing her friend had tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is I don't want comfort. I've lost a baby and I'm angry with God."

Just then someone else walked in the shop. "Hey, Phil!" shouted the clerk to the balding, rotund man. "My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement ... twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems!" laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue-wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator.

"Those are for your wife?" asked Sandra incredulously. "Do you mind me asking why she wants something that looks like that?"

No ... I'm glad you asked," Phil replied. "Four years ago my wife and I nearly divorced. After forty years, we were in a real mess, but with the Lord's grace and guidance, we slogged through problem after problem. He rescued our marriage. Jenny here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she learned from 'thorny' times, and that was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific 'problem' and give thanks for what that problem taught us."

As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra, "I highly recommend the Special!"

"I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life." Sandra said to the clerk. "It's all too ... fresh."

"Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my experience has shown me that thorns make roses more precious. We treasure God's providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember, it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don't resent the thorns."

Tears rolled down Sandra's cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on resentment. "I'll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please," she managed to choke out.

"I hoped you would," said the clerk gently. "I'll have them ready in a minute."

"Thank you. What do I owe you?"

"Nothing. Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart. The first year's arrangement is always on me."

The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra. "I'll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you would like to read it first." It read:

"My God, I have never thanked You for my thorns.
I have thanked You a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns.
Teach me the glory of the cross I bear;
Teach me the value of my thorns.
Show me that I have climbed closer to You along the path of pain;
Show me that, through my tears, the colors of Your rainbow look much more brilliant."

Praise Him for your roses, thank Him for your thorns. When the going gets tough, the tough seek the Lord!

Telling My Story

Well, I have not really written much about myself or my family on here. I was going to just post bible verses & my favorite song lyrics & such. However, I have been following a few blogs that have really been pulling at my heartstrings & decided, I am going to share some feelings & really blog more.

I am no one special. I have not saved anyone from a burning building, I have not rescued someone from drowning or kept someone from killing their self, but I am a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a cousin, an aunt & a friend. I want to be someone who can help the hurting & the weak. To be an inspiration to someone.

Where to begin, I grew up here in Texas, never really traveled the world, only going as far as Arkansas (not complaining). I do not have lots of money, but I am the richest woman in the world. I have 2 beautiful daughters, Andrea & Makaila; a son in heaven, we named Nehemiah; a wonderful husband, JD; 2 awesome parents, Joe & Sherry; an older brother, Michael, (who, in my eyes is the "wind beneath my wings", he truly inspires me to be the best); a younger brother, Bo, (who I would say is one of my best friends) & 2 sisters, Samantha & Stephanie, who have chosen not to be in our lives (a whole other blog at a whole other time). Among my siblings, I have 7 nephews & 2 nieces.

JD & I are no where near the perfect couple, but I must say we are working on it. I was 18 & he was 17 & seniors in high school when we got pregnant with Andrea. We had no idea what we were doing. But we had our parents' support (after the initial shock & disappointment wore off) to help us. I lived with my parents & JD lived with his until we were ready to move into the real world together (many months later). We had many ups & downs starting out so young. I was also not ready to marry him just because we were expecting a baby; however, he acted ready, he wasn't.

My pregnancy was awesome, for a dumb teenager, except I gained 53lbs & ate everything! My older brother kept telling me I was not going to have her on my due date (October 8th), but on his birthday on October 21st instead. Well, I woke up on Monday, October 20th with slight cramping & some bleeding, but Andrea did not want to be born, so 17 1/2 hours later I had a c-section; @ 12:07am on Tuesday, October 21, 1997 she was here, weighing in @ 7lbs 11 1/2 oz. Hmmmm, maybe my brother knows something we don't. HA!

Except, earlier that day he bought me a cheese pizza (while I was in labor) because I was begging for one. My mom kept telling me no because I would throw up (well, I guess she was right). He also drove me to the hospital (both times), but would not run any of the red lights I begged him to run on our 2nd trip. I am sure glad he was there though.

We finally decided to get married on October 20, 2001 (why we chose the day before Andrea's birthday is beyond me). We were married by Bo's best friend, in my aunt's den with our family & closest friends.

We were 23 & 22 when we decided to try again. It took us 6 months to conceived, but this pregnancy, as before, was uneventful, except the fact that I kept losing weight & my doctor wanted me to gain weight (I was not as skinny as I was the 1st time, so I did not see the point) & I was too tired to eat, but slept ALL the time.

I only went 2 days over my due date of February 28th. Monday, March 3, 2003, my water broke at home while I was whining I did not want to go to work to hear "you look ready to pop" & "can I touch your belly" & "aren't you due yet!" I was going to try for a Vbac (vaginal delivery after c-section), but the baby had other plans. I was only at the hospital for an hour before I was whisked away to have an EMERGENCY C-section. I had to move myself to the operating table, only to turn on my side to see the fetal heart monitor going down from 62...61...60, I was dry shaven & knocked completely out only to wake up feeling like I had been cut in half & left to die. Makaila was born @ 9:35am, weighing in @ 7lbs 3oz.

Not ready to quit, we wanted to try for a third. This time hoping for a boy. We were 28 & 27 when we decided this. Many times going back & forth, because JD had watched a documentary about multiple c-sections & the risks & statistics of death & blah, blah, blah. Oh, where was I, so we decided to get started. It only took us three months before I knew it, I was pregnant. This pregnancy was actually eventful. Before every appointment I had nightmares that they were going to tell me my baby was dead. But the first appointment was good, weighing, peeing, talking, writing out my medical history, signing insurance documents. 2 weeks later I had my 1st sonogram & saw the little heartbeat. My next appointment (12 weeks) they could not find a heartbeat w/the Doppler & I was sent across the street to do an ultrasound. There the little bugger was, moving around so much the tech said that is why we could not hear the heart beat (I wish I had asked him if a DVD recording would have been possible). My next appointment (16 weeks) went great too & I was already feeling movement (way earlier than my other two).

But at 20 weeks, I was on to the heartbreak of my life! It was Wednesday, October 17th & I had not had my usual nightmare, but I knew I had not been feeling any movement for at least a week. They did the Doppler first. My nurse just asked me "do you have any other children?".......WTH!?!?! They sent me downstairs this time for an ultrasound. We waited FOREVER!!!! But as soon as she put the scanner on my belly & turned on the monitor, I knew! My baby was just laying there in the fetal position, NO heartbeat!! She turned off the monitor & told us she had to get the doctor. I started crying & JD did not know anything, he just asked me what was wrong......I could not look at him as I said "the baby is dead". He instantly broke down. They said the baby had been gone about 1 1/2 weeks. Next, we went back to the exam room to talk about our "options". The baby was big enough to be delivered, but too small to do a c-section. They could induce as early as the next day or wait until Monday. Andrea's birthday was that Sunday & there was no way I was going to have a birthday & family w/my baby dead inside of me, so we opted to deliver the next day.

They started the induction at 11:30 & I delivered a son @ 9:41pm on Thursday, October 18, 2007. The placenta did not want to come out all in one piece so I had to be put under to have a D&C. They almost could not get the bleeding stopped; it was explained to me later that there are three steps to get the bleeding to stop before a hysterectomy & I was at the third step, by the grace of God, they stopped it with a shot in my arm.

@ 4:30am they brought my son in to me in a beautiful white basket & he was wrapped in a green blanket. I was scared to pick him up, so the nurse unwrapped him & I just touched him & stared at him. JD looked at him, but he could not touch him. He was perfectly formed & so beautiful. My nurse was awesome! I wish I would have had her hand him to me to hold. Unfortunately, we did not have a funeral (I wish we had had him cremated) & the hospital dropped the ball so there was no autopsy. We will never know why he died & I hope the hospital did not throw him out with the trash. We have a special place in our garden with his stepping stone , an angel statue & a statue of a hand w/a baby in it.

I love my girls, but sometimes I just want my son back, even if just for a moment. I do not even know if we will ever try for another baby, but for now I find peace & comfort knowing that one day we will all be together in Heaven. I know Jesus is caring for my baby until I get there. We do not know if we will ever try again. This has broken us down to our lowest point, but also brought us closer together. Satan will not win!

That is all I have to share for now, but I do plan to do this more often. But for now, I wish you well & may God bless you every morning by waking you up w/the beautiful sun shine on your face & breath in your mouth.

Dreaming With a Broken Heart (lyrics)

by John Mayer

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

Now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my , roses in my hands?

Would you get them if i did?
No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part