After finding out we were pregnant while trying to work on our marriage & after the loss of our last baby might be enough for some people to just throw their hands up in the air & give up due to these stresses. It was a trying time at times, I am not going to lie.
I still had some resentments towards my husband & with the pregnancy, I was still enduring some grief from the loss of my last baby. But after many late night discussions we concluded that God wanted us to be blessed with this little miracle for more than one reason or another & my husband says, "God wants me to grow up & be the husband & father I set out to be". We had to let Him have control & believed that He was going to bless us.
While we were pregnant we were dreading the 20 week mark. I had started feeling Nehemiah move around the 16th week of pregnancy, so when I started feeling Crispin around the same time it seemed a little like de ja vu. Only I was not having any of my nightmares or bad feelings like I had while pregnant with Nehemiah. As we were quickly approaching the 20 week mark I was actually having a feelings of comfort & peace. Since we were scheduling our delivery date I started getting panicky & anxious around week 35. I kept feeling like if they do not take him now something bad is going to happen. I would just breathe & start praying to God to let him stay in until the doctor was ready to deliver him. I know that a baby born before 37 weeks is never a good thing.
When people would ask me if I was ready yet or don't I wish he would come early, I always politely said no & no. I knew this was my last baby & I wanted everything to go perfect. After the loss of Nehemiah I look at pregnancy way different than before. I know the last few weeks it seems unbearable at times due to swelling & not being able to sleep comfortably & feeling the baby move makes you wish they were here sooner rather than later so you can feel them in your arms. I think after a pregnancy or infant loss we tend to be able to tolerate the uncomfortableness & the sleeplessness just to insure the baby is healthy, alive & well at birth. I have actually started to believe that a woman who wishes for her baby to born early because it will be cute small & won't hurt so much during delivery or so their baby can be here sooner, are actually selfish!
Now to make a confession. The day we went in for our c-section just to be sent back home due to a scheduling error, I had a couple of panic attacks just thinking "if they leave this baby inside for one more day he is going to die". I just prayed all day that everything was going to work out & I kept reminding God that it was His will. I even reminded Him a time or two that we really wanted this baby & we would be great parents. Like God needs reminding of something I had been thinking & praying for the last nine months. :)
God has truly blessed our family over this past year & I am thankful for having such a loving Father to call upon. I feel sorry for the people out there who do not believe in God or cannot put their trust in Him & let Him have control. When I look around me & see such beautiful flowers, trees, bugs, birds, sunsets, or anything else too beautiful to be man-made I think, "Wow! What a God! How can you not believe in God?"
I will just keep praying for the non-believers & keep giving thanks to my Lord!
For God so loved the world that He gave His one & only son that who should ever believe in Him shall not parish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16
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