Update 24 Weeks

We only have about 15 weeks left! We are so grateful for every moment I spend carrying & nurturing this baby to term.

The other part we are excited about is the fact that we are having a boy. We have heard time & time again that they are so "easy". After two girls, we are ready for "easy". I pray for an easy going child, but with his two drama queen sisters, I am not too sure what we are going to get.

We have a tweenager who is at the stage where she hates me & I am never right. Who thinks her daddy hangs the moon & stars. The only problem with this, is I do not think it is a phase at times because she has been like this most of her life. She is a major daddy & papa's girl. We could end up like my mom & I have.When I was growing up I did not always see eye-to-eye with her either. I can honestly say my mom is my best friend.

I have my little one who has always thought I hung the moon & stars. She can be a daddy's girl at times, but for the most part, she is a mama's girl. This may change once she becomes a teenager, but at least I will have some experience & maybe not take things so personally when she does hate me.

Held Together With Tape & Glue

Anyone who has ever experienced a loss of a loved one or dear friend, knows that with the loss comes great emotional, fear gripping, grief. I know I have spoken about the stages of grief & even described what each one entails.

There is no one way to describe how one feels after a loss when asked. We usually say "fine" or "ok", maybe even "I'm getting by". I just watched the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy & there is a line in the show that goes "I'm busy, holding myself together with tape and glue". That would be a great way to let someone know how you are feeling.

If you broke a perfect vase or a pot, you might try to salvage it by gluing it. Is it the same? No, it is now imperfect & has many cracks. That is how one might describe the way their heart is. Yes, it is back together, but it still has the little imperfections & cracks in it that can never be smoothed away.

Over the last couple of days I have wondered, worried really, will I still think about Nehemiah as much when this baby comes? Will I still miss what might have been with Nehemiah when this baby comes? I am sure that is what most think about when they move on to another part of their life. I do miss him right now while I carry this child. I am happy by all means, but still it can cause emotions to flare. Makes me think about that "what if" or "what might have been"; however, when I think about how this baby would not be on his way if Nehemiah had made it makes me feel guilty for thinking about Nehemiah being here instead of this baby & then I feel guilty for being happy this baby is coming, like I am happy Nehemiah passed, when that is not the case at all. It is like a never ending cycle & that was a bit of a ramble!

Not long after we lost Nehemiah, a woman I worked with told me, "Jennifer, the only way you will ever be happy again, is to have another baby". What!?!? That is so far from it. I am happy I am pregnant & do not take any day that I continue to carry this precious life for granted. I still miss my first son every day & this baby is by no means a "replacement" baby. For some people that may make them happy. But for me there are so many more emotions than that.

So, with all of that said, I am getting by every day & slowly my tape is coming off & the glue is a little less noticeable & my cuts are more like scars.

Excitement + Guilt

We are officially 21 weeks & 6 days. We have had our ultrasound this afternoon & have discovered we are having a baby BOY! So, my instincts were right!
He has all four chambers of his heart, a brain & sealed skull, a full bladder, two kidneys & a great big head & big feet! Which we are excited & feel we would be just as excited to see that he were actually a she. The sonogram shows we are 23 weeks & 4 days, moving our due date to January 6, 2011. The sonographer said my doctor probably will not move anything based on this, but we will see. Especially since it is a scheduled c-section & a VBAC is not an option in my case.

As well as excitement, there is a twang guilt. The guilt of being happy. Just because we are having another baby & a boy at that, does make losing Nehemiah any easier. It does not make us forget the baby boy we had almost three years ago. I get sad sometimes & the other night I was talking to the baby & accidentally called out Nehemiah's name. That broke my heart & I felt guilty.

I do not want to ever forget Nehemiah & what we have endured losing him. It was a lesson to learn how not to take life for granted & that I am a strong woman/mom. I know God gave us that special gift & the gift I am carrying now & we are truly blessed.

The other night, while getting comfortable in bed, I felt something poke my belly. I looked at JD & had asked him if he poked me, which he said no. Then today while we were waiting to be called back, I felt something small rub my belly. I just looked around, of course there was no one else waiting with us & no one was sitting close enough to touch me. I feel like angels are with us always. I would like to think maybe it was Nehemiah touching me. It is nice to think our baby has his own little guardian angel.

Next time, we might share our name choice!!



"For He shall give His angels charge over you, to keep you in all your ways" Psalm 91:11

21 Weeks & Another Checkup

We are 21 weeks today & still kicking!

Today I got to sneeze snot all over myself in the waiting room & overfill my pee cup, that dripped everywhere, & a new vitamin regimen added on & got a note to wear tennis shoes to work & heard a very strong heartbeat & got to ask the doctor to perform a prostate exam on the dear husband since he likes to be difficult at the appointments & got told I have gained back the last 2 pounds of the 10 pounds I had lost earlier on...oh & we got to schedule a sonogram for Monday afternoon! What a day I tell ya!

The new vitamin I get to take is a calcium pill with vitamin D since my bones hurt so bad that sometimes I feel like I need a walker just to walk. I do not like the taste, much less the smell of milk, so I do not drink it. So I have to take my prenatal vitamin with all of its glorious contents in the morning & the calcium pill in the evening before bed.

So, I cannot wait until Monday now to cure my curiosity of whether this little being is in fact a boy or a girl & so I can stop hearing "when are you having a sonogram" "had a sonogram yet to know what you are having" "have you had a sonogram & you are just keeping it from us" "know when you will get one" etc. I guess it is only down hill from here. I remember getting testy when the farther along you get people start asking "you ready to have that baby yet", "you haven't had that baby yet" "when are you due, you look well over your due date" etc. I am just thankful this time it will be a planned c-section so as soon as we set a date I can tell everyone (hopefully) one time precisely when this little beaner will make the grand entrance into the world.

Until then, thank you Lord for giving me this opportunity to carry & nurture a precious life & please give me patience as I have been a little testy with people lately.

20 Weeks & Counting

Today is very exciting for us here in the Reyna family! We have officially reached 20 weeks with our healthy kicking blessing!

So far everything has checked out as planned. We go for our next appointment next Tuesday. We are hoping they schedule us an ultrasound so we can find out what we are having.

I have never found out on my children what we were having beforehand. Just relied on buying things in neutral baby colors & a little on mother's intuition.

With Andrea, I wanted a boy so bad, but around 5 or 6 months I started feeling like "he" was going to be a "she". The funny thing about me carrying Andrea was, no one could guess what it was just by the shape of my belly. One day it would be high, the next low, one day a football shape, one day spread out. My mom, who is usually a good guess, could not even tell. Now, my grandma was a different story. When I opened her shower gift she had bought a bunch of dresses from a garage sale. I had asked her what we would do if the baby came out a boy & she just said, "oh, it won't, but if it does we can give those dresses to someone else, but it won't". We had our names picked for both sexes. Nehemiah Christopher if it was a boy & Andrea Denise if was a girl.

With Makaila, I really did not care this time. I was just excited. This time it was different for us in many ways. We were adults now, we were legally married, we had planned to have another baby, we had full-time jobs & we were "experienced". I dreamed about this baby wrapped in a yellow blanket. No one ever said the baby's name & I never knew the gender. When I came out of recovery & saw her for the first time I thought it was dej a vu. She looked just like the baby in my dreams, as well as Andrea did as a newborn. I did not have any kind of intuition. We had to find a girl name anyways just in case. So, we settled on Makaila Jeanine.

When we got pregnant with Nehemiah, we were all the things we were when we planned to have Makaila. From day one I knew this baby was a boy. We had planned to find out on this one. Since this was going to be our last, so we thought "what the hay". Well, that did not go according to plan. But as soon as I delivered, the nurse asked if we had wanted to know the gender. Of course we did & we were told it is a Boy.

Now, this baby...this is a whole other story in & of itself. JD & I had just started talking about getting back together when we conceived this baby. Call it "loss of self control" if you will. Yes, I was on the pill. Yes, I had missed a few, but I had missed a few before & nothing ever came of it. But the day my breasts were so tender I was literally in tears, JD knew. He said they were like that the times before. At first I just laughed & told him he was crazy. I was about to start, well that is what I had thought. So, the next morning, before anyone else got up, I went to the store. I was nervous. I mean, he had just moved in with me & the girls. We were still trying to get everything straightened out to tell our families, we really were not ready for another baby at all! We had already closed the discussion of other children a few months after the loss of Nehemiah.

When I took the test it was like I was 18 again & was going to have to tell our parents. Actually, I had to confirm JD's suspicions. When I told him, he originally was a little upset, but he set me down & told me that maybe this was really God's way of telling him to grow up & get his act together. So, we decided together to wait & tell anyone until we went to the doctor. The number one reason, we were scared out of our minds! What if we told everyone & then we get bad news at our appointment? What if this baby does not make it either?

After a few days though I had to sit JD back down & tell him that I really had good feelings about this pregnancy & that I knew in my heart that everything was going to be just fine with the baby & the two of us. We just have to keep the lines of communication alive & make sure we are not doubting our decision & to not let fear run our lives, marriage, pregnancy, parenting, etc.

So, back to the gender, intuition thingy. I have since day one with this baby felt it is a boy. To be honest though, I really just want a healthy, happy baby. We cannot be picky in life. We take what we are given & we accept the things we cannot change. I will love this baby unconditionally as I do my other babies. I am not giving away my names right now either because a few ladies I know who are pregnant, do not have names & I do not want them to steal.

Now, just to wait & find out when the time comes. Easier said than done!

Broken...

I have worn this little blue/pink rubber bracelet for almost three years. When my husband first gave it to me, I only took it off to shower. Then, I thought "hey this is rubber, leave it on". So I did. I wore it to every function, holiday, party, work, play, lake, pool etc. It was like a part of my arm. It was a remembrance I wore for the little life lost.

One side says "Remembering" & the other side had two tiny foot prints. The little feet rubbed off first. You would not know they were there if I did not tell you. I can still make them out. Tiny toes & all. Then a few weeks ago I noticed that the "B" had a little hole in it. This hole got a bit bigger & bigger, until one I decided I would wear it until it broke off.

Well, wouldn't you know it? I decided to take it off to put it on my bear & it broke! Ugh!
I just stared at the little blue/pink rubber in my hand first & then I cried for a few minutes & then I laughed at myself for getting so upset. Then I started to realize this little piece of me is now broken & can never be put back together....

Broken like my heart has been. A heart that can never be put back together the same as it was before it was broken. Just a simple reminder that we are breakable.



"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,
A broken & a contrite heart--
These, O God, You will not despise" Psalm 51:17

Wanted to post something a little different tonight....

Warning: Grab a Kleenex.
This brought my husband & I both to tears.

MARRIAGE

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outsidethe door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage.Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

A CHRIST-CENTERED MARRIAGE IS A MARRIAGE THAT IS SURE TO LAST A LIFETIME.

"So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate." Matthew 19:6

19 Weeks & School...

We have officially made it to 19 weeks without any complications! Woo hoo!

Praise to God for such a wonderful blessing. The baby's kicks are getting stronger and increasing. Not a lot of fear is running this pregnancy these days. I know we still have a ways to go, but it feels right this time.

The girls started back to school this week and are enjoying it so far, considering it is only Tuesday. The only problems we have faced getting them ready for school is bed time. We have heard "but it is not bedtime, the sun is still out" or "what time is it, bedtime is not until night time & it is still daytime?". We just give the stern look along with, "Go to bed".

Andrea is in 7th grade. She is going out for the volleyball team. I hope she makes the team, either A or B team is good. She played a few years back with Kids Inc and she had fun doing it.
Makaila is in 2nd grade. She wants to join Kids Inc cheer-leading. I think she would have fun doing that. She has already received a birthday party invite and it is from her "boyfriend".
JD has went back to school as well, so he is now working and going to school. He is majoring in computer technology, unless he changes it again. While waiting for his financial aid to go through he changed it three times. I really think he will stick with computers though.

Andrea's birthday is coming up and we have been trying to decide what we can do for her. She is going to be the big 1-3! It makes me feel old thinking about 13 years ago I had her. I can remember going into labor with her and not having her until seven minutes after midnight, all thanks to my big brother for jinxing me! He got a great birthday present that year. I would be so lucky to have a niece or nephew born my birthday. I remember her baby moments. Watching her grow into such a beautiful girl with such an attitude. I know my parents are probably reading this right now and laughing. Dad is probably thinking "like looking in a mirror".

Well, I hope everyone has a great school year!

The Full Original Copy of the Serenity Prayer

by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)

God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

"I will lift up my eyes to the hills--From whence comes my help?
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven & earth." Psalm 121:1-2

Check Up

Wednesday I had my monthly checkup. It went well. The little beaner did not want to be still so we can hear a heartbeat. The nurse would get a read & then the little beaner would move. One time beaner even kicked the Doppler, like to say, "Hey, get that off of me!".

Every appointment we have with the doctor, we hold our breaths until we hear that sweet washing machine sound. I even think my doctor holds her breath along with us. Not too sure when my next sonogram will be, but we have another appointment in 3 weeks. I am sure we will know by then when our next sonogram will be. This Tuesday we will be 18 weeks along, by our next appointment we will be 21 weeks. As soon as I reach that 20 week mark with this little baby still kicking & thriving, I will be able to breathe deeply.

JD & I discuss this often. Both of us scared to be too excited, even though we want so much to be. We understand all too well that no life is guaranteed, no pregnancy is guaranteed to have a happy ending. We may not be able to breathe deeply until we have this little baby put into our arms after taking his/her first breath.

So, for now I will continue to give the glory to God for giving me this little life to carry, nurture & care for until the day he/she makes the great grand entrance into the world.

Grief & Coping

Anytime we lose someone close to us it can be devastating. It can feel like your heart is going to stop beating at a moments notice & you will just crumple into a ball & die yourself.

To "stop" the pain we find things to make us "feel" better. There are some who engross themselves in work, sports, drugs, alcohol, sex; anything to get their mind off of the fact that they will never be able to see that person or talk to that person again. Sometimes forgetting that the world has not stopped just because a life has. Even forgetting those around us who may be in the same pain we are or are there to help. Marriages fall apart from lack of communication. One wants to talk about it, the other wants to move on from it. Siblings can have a falling out if one wants to remember a parent one way & the other one wants to remember them another.

When actually we need to stop, face the pain & let it all out. It does take time & the pain does not stop overnight just because you want it to. Communication is key.

There are 5 stages of grief. The stages do not come in any particular order. The stage may occur more than once. One stage may last longer than the others or you may even experience more than one stage at a time.

1. Denial-"this cannot be happening to me", not crying, not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.
2. Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back, or blaming them for leaving.
3. Bargaining-"I will be a better person if...", attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss, begging for them back.
4. Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, feeling numb, mourning loss of person as well as hopes, dreams & plans for the future, even suicidal thoughts, or thoughts of hurting someone else.
5. Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation & acceptance. You accept the loss not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that the person is gone & that it is not their fault, they did not leave you on purpose. Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort & healing.

What I have learned in my process is talking about it makes me feel better. Anytime I can share a small piece of my little man, I will. I have made a scrapbook to help. It has photos, scriptures & cards of condolences in it. A few months ago I found a Memorial Tear, designed by Kathy Bernu. It is a tear with a rose inside of it. You can hang it on a key chain, wear it on a necklace or carry it in your pocket. Also, at one of our grief sessions we got to pick out a rock to carry in our pockets & it has helped. It is like Nehemiah picked these items just for me to remember him by.

I have also turned to God a lot during my time of grief. Reading has helped me. Unfortunately for me, the only memories I have of Nehemiah are of pictures of him during sonograms, feelings of movement while I was pregnant with him & the photographs the hospital took for me. I did not get my moments with him I had prayed for or dreamed of, but I do cherish what I did have him with.

I hope if any of you are grieving right now, that you remember "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted" Matthew 5:4

Hormones, Hunger Pains, Night Sweats...

Anyone who has ever been pregnant or married to a pregnant woman knows what comes along with the whole deal.

There are those cravings that you have at midnight or crying at commercials or being hot & then cold. What about the gas & indigestion?

I do not like macaroni & cheese, I do not like milk, I do not like to eat cheese straight up; however, I have been craving mac & cheese everyday, I tried milk...it was not disgusting & I have had a hankering for Monterrey Colby Jack cheese....straight up!

Now I know I cannot eat &/or drink all of this everyday or I will be a huge cheese puff & when this baby is ready to come out I will have a chance of delivering a Chester Cheeto. How fun would that be?

I am emotional anyway, but it is about 90% worse when I am pregnant for some reason. I could cry at one thing, but turn around & laugh about something totally different. I have really done good so far, but don't think it has been easy. Especially the previews to that new movie "Charlie St. Cloud" with the hottie Zac Efron! It makes me tear up & I have not even seen the movie.

Then I am hot, then cold, then hot, then cold. It is quite funny to me when this happens. Throwing the covers off onto JD, then pulling them off of him to put them back on me, then throwing them off, then pulling them back on. Probably why I cannot stay asleep at night.

A few weeks ago I woke up at 1:00a.m. & could not go back to sleep all from dreaming about my delicious tostadas...well long story short, we all enjoyed some beef & bean tostadas with all the fixin's at 2:00a.m.! The girls were still up that night watching a movie & after our tummys were full, we went straight to bed. What a night that was! It has not happened since & hopefully it doesn't.

I should just be eating peanut butter, hot dogs & ketchup since that is probably all this baby is going to want to eat. Well, that is what his/her older sisters eat.

Pregnancy can be humorous & that is what makes it all exciting. Even though to those around us we probably work their nerves at times. We have to laugh now before the baby comes & we are too tired, cranky, hungry, stinky...well, you get the idea!

Week 14+

We are on week 14 & 5 days & all seems well & right with the world.

Still giving glory to God for the blessings in my life. Praying daily for this little miracle to stay here with us & be healthy. It is trying at times because of fear. The fear of another loss, the fear of what would come about if we lost this baby, the fear of having to feel the emptiness that comes along with the loss of a baby. However, I have accepted that I will not let fear run my life. It will not take over this pregnancy!

I have some sinus issues & I may lose a nose before long. I have one nostril that likes to run when I am without a tissue, but stops up when I am trying to sleep. I feel like cutting it off of my face. But how funny would I look then if I were to do that. JD tells me it will be all worth it in the end, so I guess I will survive.

Besides my nose being disgusting, I have felt like I can feel this baby move already. That is pretty exciting, yet scary too because I do not feel the baby all of the time so I start to panic a little. I just tell myself that I am not far enough along yet & to enjoy it when I feel the movements.

.................................

I am sorry, but I am going to break in here & ask you all who read my blog to pray for a few people today.

My grandma was admitted to the hospital over the start of the weekend for anemia & has had to receive at least 3 pints of blood since I last spoke with my dad. Not too sure what else they have determined, but just pray that the doctors listen to God for the best treatment. I hope to know more later.

Also, a small family in Dallas that my brother & his family know need prayers for healing & understanding. The wife went in for a DNC only to have it go badly. It seems she has lost 95% of her small intestines, but seems to be physically healing. Just pray for her continued healing & for comfort with their loss as well.

If I can pray for you, please let me know.



"Give ear to my words, O Lord, Consider my my meditation. Give heed to the voice of my cry, My King & my God, For to You I will pray." Psalm 5:1-2

Love of Our Father

It is difficult to lose a baby at any age or gestation. As a mother of an angel, I have felt like a failure. I would never wish anything like this on anyone no matter what. At times I have felt like it should be up to me who gets to have a baby when I am judging someone who I deem "unfit". But it really is not up to any one of us.

I do not feel like God gives us something just to take it away. He is not like our older brother who would say, "You want a bite of this delicious candy bar?" Just so when we say yes, he stuffs it all into his big fat mouth. I believe He decides that we may not be ready for what we are about to receive or He feels like we are not going to be able to handle that specific task & so He takes it back to give us something else.

It is like this saying, "When God takes something from your grasp, He is not punishing you...but merely opening your hands to receive something better".

Now at the time of any loss we are not thinking, "Oh thank You so much God, just can't wait to see what You are going to give me in return!" No, we are questioning ourselves, God, human nature, people around us, loved ones. Questioning every move we made to trick our minds into believing it was something we did & should be punished for.

When we lost our son I begged for 6 months to pass. Thinking in 6 months I would be over this hurt & my heart would not feel like it was going to explode in my chest every time I thought about what I lost. However, 6 months did not make me feel better. We fool ourselves that is what we do.

I never turned my back on God, I actually found myself crying out to Him even more than I had in a long long time. I looked up every bible verse I could find to help me in my pain. A few off the top of my head that helped were:
Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted & binds up their wounds
Matthew 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted
Nehemiah 8:10 Do not sorrow for the joy of the Lord is your strength
I read a lot of books too that I found comfort in.
Free to Grieve by Maureen Rank; she references the bible in this book.
Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg; she includes a journal section after each story which let you jot down questions or feelings.
A Silent Love by Adrienne Ryan; (this one is my favorite one) she not only talks about her losses, but she retells personal stories from other women, even her husband & parents partake.Music helped as you can see reading through my past posts. I love music anyway, but to have special songs when you are experiencing certain trials in your life is always helpful. Songs to cheer you up, songs when you are happy, songs when you are mad or songs to have fun!
The love of our Father is everlasting. We should trust in Him always. So if you are going through something right now that seems like there is no end in sight, remember God will never give you more than you can handle & as what my all wise brother would say "& this too shall pass".


"His favor is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

HaPpY 4tH oF jULy

Feeling much better this weekend. Do not know if it is because we have been just laying around watching movies or just starting to feel better.

No big plans for the 4th this year. The park they set the fireworks off is just down the street, so we are hoping they will be high enough in the air to see from our parking lot or maybe the park next door.

We have a bit bigger park on the North side of town that the fireworks use to be at & you could park on the boulevard to see them. Now they moved them to a smaller park off a busy road & charge you to park inside. You would have to camp out all day to get a good spot & to get out is crazy.

The last few years we have gone out to one of our aunt's home & shot them off ourselves & cooked out, but they have moved. So here is hoping we can see them from our apartment. Our local news channel shows them on TV, but that is nothing like the real thing.

For everyone else who is venturing out to family, friends, lakes, the park, please be careful & responsible.

Thank you to the service men & women who have made great sacrifices for our country's freedom!

Everyday is a New Day...

Wow! Today I was an emotional wreck! I do not know what has come over me. Nehemiah has been heavy on my mind today. I hope this is not how the remainder of my pregnancy will be.

Before we got pregnant, JD & I had talked about whether we would feel guilty having another baby or if we will feel guilty if we ended up having another boy. This discussion has come up again now that we are pregnant. Do we feel guilty having another child to "replace" him? I do not feel in anyway we replaced Nehemiah. For one, we were not trying! The other reason, I do not feel you can ever replace anyone or anything that you have lost that is near & dear to you. This baby that I am carrying is a new baby, a different baby, even if it turns out to be another boy.

Now today I felt saddened/guilty for being so happy. I almost felt like he kept reminding me he was here so that I will not forget him while I am thinking about this baby. Then again maybe it is my subconscious reminding me, putting Nehemiah in my thoughts.

Everyday is a new day, with new feelings & new emotions. I am happy here in this moment & like I have said before, I give all the glory to God. If it were not for Him, none of us would be here today.



"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-8

Gender? We Do Not Care...

Sorry, but for everyone out there who has not asked yet, we do not care what the gender of our baby will be as long as we have a healthy, living baby.

I get a little upset when people come up to me and ask me, "are you hoping for your boy this time?" or "do you hope this is your boy?". I mean come on! I have a boy! I do not want to be rude to these people when they ask, but inside I am screaming with pain. Everyone who has asked us so far knows we lost a baby boy, so it is not like some stranger at Wal-Mart is asking.

When my husband was asked if he hopes this one is his boy, my brother-in-law chimed in, "he has a boy, they are just hoping for a healthy baby". I thought it was really cool that he thought of that. I just say it doesn't matter when they ask. One day I just feel like my pregnancy hormones might cause me to explode when someone asks.

My question really is, how should we answer?

11 Weeks & 2 Days

Today I am 11 weeks & 2 days. It is exciting to know that I have a little being growing inside of me. It is also a nervous time as well. In less than 9 weeks we will be where we were when we found out our precious Nehemiah was no longer with us.

I try not to think about that moment when it pops into my head, but how can I not. At the beginning of this pregnancy I was not nervous. I did not let the thought of losing another baby enter into my mind. JD was nervous though. I think enough for the both of us. With the weeks going by I am starting to get nervous.

I have been told that once we make it past 20 weeks we will be able to sigh with relief. I, on the other hand, do not think so. I do not think I will be able to really "sigh with relief" until the doctor pulls this baby out of my womb & announces the gender to us & I hear the little beaner cry.

When I was pregnant with my oldest daughter, the thought of losing a baby never entered my mind. I was 18 & thought I could do anything & come out smelling like roses. You know what I am talking about, I thought I knew it all. I had not even met a single person who had ever lost a baby.

When I got pregnant with my second child, a co-worker lost her baby at 20+ weeks. She was due 3 or 4 weeks before me. It was unreal that something like that would happen to someone I knew & at the time I did ask why it happened to her & not me. I was thankful everyday for the life that I was carrying inside, but I just kept the thought "it will never happen to me".

When I got pregnant with my third child, I had nightmares & bad feelings every day. Especially days I had doctor's appointments on. It was like my mind was preparing me for what was to come. Now that I have lost a baby, the thought of "it will never happen to me" has changed to, "it can happen to anyone at anytime".

I do give God all the glory every morning for letting me carry this baby one more day. I feel different about this pregnancy than I did with Nehemiah, but Nehemiah is not far from my mind. I miss him & I know that if I had not lost him, this baby would not be here either. I try not to let the anxiety overcome me. I know if I do, this will not end well. I believe in positive thinking.

This is the message my sister-in-law sent me, it is the most encouraging message I have received so far: ' I'm of the opinion that you can think things into existence...good and bad. Give it to God and ask for the blessing of a healthy baby in His name. Matthew 21:22 says "And whatever you ask in prayer you will receive, if you have faith."'
I definitely agree with her thinking.

So on that note, we will see in a few weeks if I am able to breathe a little easier or if I am still in the same place. But for now, I will keep my positive thinking in place & praise God for this wonderful gift He has blessed us with.

Baby Update

We had our 1st trimester screening yesterday. I was super nervous the whole time we were there & they were feeding us so much information at one time & then wanted me to make the decision to what testing I would prefer. Ugh! Nerve racking!

I could not sleep the night before because I kept dreaming that this doctor was going to be a quack & in my dream she told us to terminate & then would not let us leave her office. It was so crazy!

We ended up choosing the safest & easiest testing. It is a noninvasive evaluation that combines a maternal blood screening test with an ultrasound evaluation of the fetus to identify risk for specific chromosomal abnormalities, including Down’s Syndrome Trisomy-21 & Trisomy-18. In addition to screening for these abnormalities, a portion of the test (known as the nuchal translucency) can assist in identifying other significant fetal abnormalities, such as cardiac disorders. The screening test does not detect neural tube defects. The nuchal translucency test is where they measure the fluid between the spine & the skin on the back of the neck.

I will have to go back in four weeks to have my second blood draw performed.

This little baby is very active. Kind of brought back memories of seeing Nehemiah on the screen moving around. I had a lot of emotions going on. I have not really thought anything negative about this pregnancy & have been feeling really good, but when we got there yesterday & they were feeding us all this information I really started to think about whether I really wanted to go through with it. What if they found something? What would we decide to do? What if we made the wrong choice if we had to make a choice? I know I have to give this pregnancy over to God & let Him be in control. I know in my heart everything will work out for the best.

To end on that note:

We did want to share our little beaner with you as well. It really is still rather early, but I feel like I have to share this & I feel really confident this pregnancy will end on a very good note.

JD says this baby has a "KK" head. If anyone knows my family, a few of our children have rather large heads. I like to think that means they are just special..

More to Expect...

We found out today that we go to our 1st Trimester Screening on June 28th. Really nervous about having to answer questions & being poked & prodded. I read on the Texas Tech website about this screening & it seems like a lot. Makes my heartbeat a little faster & I start feeling a little nauseous, or that could just be the pregnancy. But I know it will be worth it if it helps us to have a healthy baby in the end.

JD says he is nervous about us having another baby & I really feel good about it. I just have a really good feeling about this one. I am not saying I am not nervous at all or that I won't be nervous if I feel something out of the ordinary or perhaps as we approach the 20 week mark. With Nehemiah I had nightmares & bad feelings the entire time, like something was trying to prepare me for what was to come. It is hard to explain if you have never experienced anything like that before. It was like a premonition of sorts. I am not trying to say I am psychic or anything like that, but they do say that people know sometimes.

Makaila has been saying some really funny things. Being pregnant makes a person a little gassier & well, the other day I had to let out a little & she asked, "Mom, was that the baby?" She asked me today, "Will the baby be here next Monday?" When we tried explaining the baby will be here in January she wanted to know if that means the baby will be older than her (her birthday is in March). I am anxious to hear all the other questions she will ask as time goes on. I had read a blog when I was pregnant with her about a woman who was pregnant & had a 3 year old little boy. He would always say he wished he could climb inside to keep his baby sister company until she came out. I always got a kick out of what he had to say.

For now though, I just continue to pray for my marriage & for my children (born & unborn). For I know everything that happens is God's Will.



"You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in Your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed." Psalm 139:16