Sunday Share Day #2

Shut UP And Listen!

I had started walk/running the week before last and things were going great. I had got sick a few days in, so I took a few days as my off days. I woke up the morning I had planned to start up again with my knee hurting.

It started out feeling like a small bruise just below my knee cap. Right away I started to ice it and put heat on it. I tried walking it out, but it just seemed to get worse every day. Finally, I decided to go to the doctor yesterday. I received x-rays and it was determined that I had serious inflammation. I was given a prescription, a form of arthritis medication, and instructed to continue using ice and heat.

After I got home I began to think about how it took me over a week to go in and be seen. Which in turn means I am over a week behind getting to my goal. My goal to lose weight and get into shape, my goal to be able to run in the March for Babies 5k next April. I got mad at myself! Why didn't I go sooner!?!? I always wait to go to the doctor. Last time I was on the verge of pneumonia. You would think I would have learned my lesson by now.

Then it came to me that we do this every day in our lives. We hurt, we stress, we grieve, all on our own thinking, "I can handle this". We have a Father who loves us and wants us to come to Him. We usually do not turn to Him for guidance until it is too late and then what do we do? We blame Him!

That is why we must pray, meditate, Shut UP And Listen!

Please pray my knee gets better. I hope to be up and running by next week.







"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you." Psalm 35:8

Sunday Share Day #1

I saw a cute idea on another blog and decided it would be really neat to do here. Something different and exciting!

Here goes:

 You will never know what you will see here!!

*The photos were taken & edited on my phone using Instagram and the collage with words was made on PicMonkey. My two obsessions of the moment..

Update

I started run/walk this Tuesday to get into shape and so that I can run in the March for Babies 5K this coming April. I am on day three today.

I had been putting it off with the "I will get to it tomorrow" kick. My dad is going to do it with me, but before I run with anyone I wanted to see how far I can get on my own and to make sure I do not look silly and can run without passing out or tripping over my own feet. 

Well, I do not feel silly (except that I cannot go very far at one time and have to walk) and I have not passed out or tripped over my own feet (not yet).  

 This little beauty has been on my path everyday that I have ran and today I decided to snap a picture tonight...I believe it is a little gift from my angel letting me know he is proud of me!

Verse for Today

"You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, To the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever." Psalm 30:11-12

 

 

 

5 Years Ago - July 10, 2007

Five years ago today, the day before your daddy's birthday, we told our parents that we were expecting our third child!

I cannot believe it has been 5 years since I had you growing inside of me; forming into a little being that could ultimately cure cancer or AIDS.  

Little did we know, that we would only have 5 short months with you... 

"I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations." Jeremiah 1:5

Reminiscing.. Will You Join?

It is hard to believe that this October will be 5 years since our little baby became an angel!

I have decided to do something special with my blog starting this month. I worn you though, it is going to get intense & very descriptive.

When I was first going through my grief, I had the worst nightmares. I decided if I wrote every feeling, every question, every fear, every everything down, that it would get out of my head. I never went back to reread anything I have written...until now. 

I hope you enjoy this part of the story, the hard parts, the sad parts, the long parts, the short parts...all of it!

I do have to admit, I will be adding bible versed to the end of each posts. These were not in my journal, but what pop in my head now.






"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy." Psalm 126:5

I Get So Emotional

Those words remind of a song... "I get so emotional, Baby, every time I think of you" ..obviously only that part of the song.

It is hard to imagine this coming October my sweet baby has been gone from my world for 5 years. 

I have been reading a lot of different stories from parents who have lost children. In some of the stories posted, they say that the hardest year for them was the 2nd. Well, for me, I feel like this year is going hard for me. I am not too sure why. Everything in my life is going so good right now. 

God has continued to bless me every single day. I praise Him every morning & let Him know that if today is my last, I am prepared. As well as thank Him for my time & for my life & love that I have given & received. 

It is just in the last few weeks I have been wanting to cry over everything. I have that smell in my nose every so often. As if he is dancing or running in circles around me. I am not sure if my oldest daughter going into high school is making me emotional & then that makes me think of Nehemiah. 

I just cannot help but think that February 2013 my precious baby would have celebrated his 5th birthday & then starting kindergarten the following school year. It does make me tear up & sad. 

I am planning something special here on my blog that will start in a few weeks time. It is something that I have planned just for my precious baby's 5th angelversary & cannot wait to share. I am a little nervous, but I think it will be great.

Well, I am going to go to bed & meet my precious angel in my dreams.   

Summer Time

It is summer time, my kids are out of school & enjoying staying up late & getting to sleep in. 

I remember summer break when I was a kid. Staying outside into the dark to play hide-n-seek with the neighbor kids. Sitting on our porch laughing & catching June bugs that flew around us in the porch light. Just getting to be a kid...

Going camping at least once before school started up again & getting to go visit family we hadn't seen since the holidays.

Those were the days...

I hope to make my children's summers memorable. We usually try to take a family vacation or go do something fun before the school year starts. We have cookouts with family or hang out at the park. Or we just hang out at the pool at our apartment. 

Most of our family lives here in the same city, so we do not get to travel too far. My oldest brother & his family lives about 6 hours away & sometimes we get to see them at least once during the summer. 

My kids will never get to know what it is like to pack up at 5:00am into a Buick, with one kid in the back window, one laying across the backseat & one laying in the floorboard on a makeshift bed. Singing silly songs as we go along for the ride. 

Nowadays, riding in the back window is frowned upon...lol

I would love to hear of others' summer time traditions. 

I Will Carry You (lyrics)

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this 

People say that I am brave but I`m not
Truth is I`m barely hanging on
But there`s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you 

~written by SELAH

The Loves of My Life

 My Princess

 My Sunshine

My Little Man

Mother's Day!

Mother's Day, yesterday, was spectacular! 

Every year my mom treats my grandma, aunt, cousin, sister-in-love & myself to lunch at Texas Roadhouse. This year was no different.

Beforehand, my girls & I went to church & then I dropped them off to head out to my annual Mother's Day lunch. Afterward we went to my mother-in-love's house for a late lunch. We met our newest nephew & we had a great time together. 

I love Mother's Day! It reminds me of the precious beings I created, with the help of God of course. I love the little handmade cards I get from my girls. They always make me laugh, the spelling of certain words & the words they use to describe me & our relationship. 

God must have known what He was doing giving me these children because each one is special to me & I am in love with each one of them. I am not ready for my oldest, Andrea, to be in high school & before I know it, she will be starting college & possibly living on her own. When I talk to her about this & how I want to cry, she just says, "OH MOM! It isn't that serious!"

I guess in the meantime I will hold their hands & lead them through childhood for as long as I can. Or, I could invest in the lottery & when I win I can buy a huge mansion where my children & their future spouses & then their children can all live with me & I never have to worry about them ever leaving.... Ok, is that too much? What would Andrea say?

I Am Super Excited Today!

My big brother, THIS GUY RIGHT HERE

 is graduating with a BA in Humanities this morning!

He is one goofy, fun loving, spiritual, heck of a guy!

I love my big brother & he is truly the Wind Beneath My Wings!

p.s. I told you to smile... 

Why I Fight!

As you all already know, the past 4 years I have walk in the March for Babies & I am always talking about how it is my passion! Well, today I would like to share a little bit more about why I am part of this great organization!

A few close friends:

 

This is my sweet friend Nancy; we actually met through the March of Dimes. 

Her precious Bubbas was born @ 28weeks on November 3, 2008. He was in the NICU for 4 months  & had to have numerous surgeries. Unfortunately, he passed January 3, 2010. 

 These are our dear friends Blakni & John; I went to HS with Blakni & JD went to HS with John. 

Their baby girl Kinley Grace was diagnosed with Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia. She came sooner than expected & her condition was worse than expected. She lived for 2 hours & 37 minutes; they only got about 10 minutes with her before she passed.

As a mother, I believe we have to stick together & be the voice of our angel children. If my participation with the March of Dimes can prevent families of future heartbreak, then I am willing to keep fighting! 

Grief is Hard

I am member of a grief forum online. In this group there are mothers who have lost their children to drug overdoses, killed by drunk drivers, murdered, suicide, SIDS, during delivery, during pregnancy, etc. It gets to me a little bit reading every story & looking at every picture. I try to limit my time on there per day as it can make you a bit paranoid & depressed.

Everyone knows that there is a time & place for politics & religion & I for one, do not believe in a group setting of difference of opinion you should bring up either unless you are ready for a war. 

"Where is your GOD, while my baby was dying?" was the caption under their child's picture. I felt compelled to answer this question, as well as a few other ladies. Some answers were not what I thought of our God, some answers were right on point with what the bible says, etc. I actually had not thought this particular "discussion" was getting out of hand. Mom's were giving their two cents worth & no one was getting mad. When all of a sudden a commenter took it too far. Cursing God & actually cursing me, as well as all the other "bible beaters". I sucked in my breath & kept my composure. Not like this woman was going to listen to what I had to say anyway. The whole post was deleted eventually anyway.

I understand when parents are new in grief that it is hard. There are more questions than answers. I understand that not everyone believes in our loving God. I do not judge, it is not my place. I still pray for every parent that is living the rest of their life without their children, every day. People do not realize there is a Satan too as they are bashing God. It actually just breaks my heart.

A few posts I read just make me confused. For example, "I do not know if I believe in God, but will you pray for me anyway?" When I am thinking, if you do not believe, what would you like me to pray for exactly? or "I trusted God & believed in Him & then this happened! Why?" When I am thinking, if you ever really believed & had faith, how can you question Him?

I am sure I sounded like a few women in the forum. After I lost Nehemiah, I would get so mad when I would hear of someone else finding out they were pregnant, especially if they were not married, used drugs, did not have a job, did not take care of themselves or their existing children.

Then one day, JD told me to just snapped out of it! He was right. Who in the world put me in charge? For one I was that teenage, unwed mother & I am sure there were plenty of women who hated me. 

I am just really thankful that our God is an understanding God. We fall down, He lifts us up. We get angry with Him, He forgives. 



I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

Team Nehemiah-March for Babies 2012

This past Saturday was our March for Babies walk & we had a blast!

 

We had a small group this year, but it was still really nice.

 Our team total for this year was $1,131.00!

Can't wait for next year! 

Live Life

Grief is a mysterious thing in that you never know when it will hit. Sometimes right away, sometimes it takes a few days, months, etc. It does not always happen all at once, could last a while or it could be brief.

I have been asked how am I "ok" after my loss or how did I not blame God & I just say because my strength comes from the Lord. However, I have been thinking a lot about different stories that I have heard along my journey & I can honestly say that if my child had had to suffer with an illness or maybe one of my living children passed away without any explanation, what would my faith be like then? However, I pray I never find out.

I personally feel that God did not take us instead of our children for a reason. I am not sure what that reason is & one day hope to find out. I just know that I am not going to lie down & say that my life is over & be a complete wreck all the days of my life. God granted me life & I know that my child would not want to look down at me from Heaven & see a torn, shattered, beaten down woman, who is not taking care of herself & her other children. He would want to see his mother living her life & sharing his memory with all who will listen.

I guess what I am trying to say is, we still have a life to live, so why waste it?

Happy Easter Weekend

I get so emotional during Easter weekend. Listening to praise and worship music, listening to the story of Jesus' death.

The story of our Lord and Savior dying for US brings me to tears. Just to think that one man, 33 years of age (the age I am at this very moment), was beaten and stabbed with a spear, was made to carry His own cross through town and listen to people cheer. For what? For US!

I could not fathom my child being born to die on the cross for the greater good of humanity. Especially with the way most of the world acts. However, I am very thankful that there was a man who was willing to take the stakes for you and I. I tell Him everyday!




"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

My Mission, My Responsiblity

As our lives keep going, after a life has been loss, we must be their voice to let people know they were HERE!

As a mother it is my responsibility to keep my precious Nehemiah's memory alive. I know I did not get to share his physical being with those around me, but he was alive inside of me for almost 20 weeks! I felt him growing and kicking and even got to see him wiggling around the sonogram screen on two different occasions. However, I will always remember that day that I saw him laying lifeless on that same screen.

That is why the March of Dimes is so close to my heart. Because there are babies who not even make it that far, who almost make it to 40 weeks and then it is decided they are "Too Precious for Earth" and then there are the babies who are born so early, the have to start out fighting for their lives. We also have those special babies that are born with defects. These children have a fight they must fight for the rest of their lives, however short or long it may be.

Even when our children are born healthy, they are still affected by the March of Dimes in many ways.

Raising money and walking for the March of Dimes' March for Babies is my way of keeping Nehemiah's being alive. It is my mission to help the March of Dimes' fight to prevent such instances. Each baby conceived should have a fighting chance.

Won't you support me in the fight for ALL babies!

Count Down for March for Babies 2012

It is that time again where I do my thing and raise some money for The Babies!

I have so much fun working on fundraisers and getting in the action! This year is no different. Well, actually it is different than last year. I did not just give birth and spend 8 weeks cooped up on maternity leave. Not that I am complaining, because I am not. I just did not have as much time last year to get all I wanted done.

This year we had a hard time finding a place to let us hold a bake sale. One, it is Girl Scout cookie time and two, not many people are up for it. That makes me sad. All around town during the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure, they have all kinds of things going on around town and decorations hanging up. Even our local newspaper is printed pink. But during Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and all during the March for Babies season, there is nothing. I have seen an increase in commercials on the television and small banners across the top of web pages though. I just feel there should be more support in our community.

My job is not into helping me. I have to ask my co-workers on the side if any are interested in making a donation or joining our walk. I get a little jealous when other family teams are doing what I consider as "raking it in"; however, I have been telling myself this year, that every little bit helps and we are doing a lot of good.

Let me tell you, my mom is awesome! She is always selling whatever things I have at her work. Whether it is a handmade craft or chocolates. She even makes bread to sale, that is a hit! I could not ask for a better helper! Love you mom!

My oldest daughter is a great sales lady as well. She is always selling candy to her friends and even getting them to hand over their loose change. I am hoping when she gets to high school they may let her do some fundraising.

We are waiting on our t-shirt design to be finished. The gentleman who did our design last year is adding some little details to that same design for this year. He is awesome too!

Anyway, back to our fundraising "fiasco". After a few days and hours of calling local establishments to hold a bake sale, a light bulb went off and I immediately thought of a local thrift store that is always helping people out. I just thought, "All she can tell me is no, like everyone else". So, I typed up a message and had my husband proofread it & then I sent it. I got an answer that same day! Yes, I would love to help out! She is even donating 5% of that day's sales. How much more awesome can that be!

So, for those of you in the area. We will be at A Thrift Store 1406 W 10th Ave (down from Rumors).

March of Dimes 2012

How have you been touched by the March of Dimes?

You or your child received the Polio vaccine
You or your child received the PKU test
You baby or a baby you know was cared for in a neonatal intensive care unit (NICU)
Your baby or a baby you know received surfactant
You or someone you know had ultrasounds during pregnancy to detect heart problems
Your baby or a baby you know received nitric oxide therapy for persistent pulmonary hypertension
You have heard of folic acid & know it helps prevent birth defects

This year the walk is Saturday, April 28th at Thompson Park
8:00am 5K Run for the Babies
9:30am Opening Ceremonies
10:00am March Begins

There will be an estimated 2,000 area walkers & our area goal is to raise $350,000 this year.

Our team goal is just $500.00, won't you help?

If you wish to make a donation to our team or join to walk, please follow this link:
http://www.marchforbabies.org/team/TeamNehemiah

If you know anyone who is interested in making a donation to our team, please send them this link.

Thank You & God Bless,

"There is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world"

Troubling Minds

I have been a part of a support group here in our local town & also a part of some online groups. Reading so many different stories of how parents have lost their children, during pregnancy all the way to adulthood. I have learned no one is ever prepared & no one is immune to tragedy!

I have come across stories recently & once I have read the story I am so heartbroken at times I wish I had not just read that or God gives me words to share. It can, at times, make a person paranoid about their own children. At the same time, it makes me humble & love my children a little more than I already do.

When I flash back to being in labor with Andrea, I think back about how they had sent us home once & were going to send us home again when my water broke. I am so lucky that they kept me. One) I was already over due & Two) I could have lost her if I had went home to stay because of her cord being around her neck. I have read similar cases to mine where the mom waited to go to the hospital & her baby did not make it or they were past their due date & the baby passed before the doctors decided to induce.

Then, I think about when I went into labor with Makaila. How we took our time getting to the hospital & being all nonchalant about the whole ordeal, just for her to go into fetal distress after the doctor checked my cervix. Did she go into fetal distress because she checked me? Would she have went into distress if we would have taken just a little more time? I read a story similar to mine that did not have a happy ending. I could never imagine how my life would be without her.

Also, when I was pregnant with Makaila, a co-worker lost her son at 6 1/2 months. He was due just a few weeks before Makaila. The remainder of my pregnancy I just thought, "That could be me".

It is enough to make a person have an anxiety attack. However, I know when enough is enough & I need to step away from the computer & I know when God had lead me to someone that I need to share my story of Nehemiah with or just to give them some words of kindness. I think He also gives me the opportunity to let these people show me something or to remind me that I am blessed with my little Earth angels.

Thank you God for blessing me with my three Earth angels & my Heaven angel. I pray for patience & the wisdom to raise my children the way You want me to Lord. Please be with those parents who had to say good-bye for now & may they have peace in their hearts. ~Amen

Rainbow Baby

I know I have posted a few times regarding our "Rainbow" baby & thought I would share a little insight to what that means exactly.
"Rainbow Babies" are the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and the clouds. Storm clouds may still loom over but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and much needed hope.

Reflections of 2011

I can hardly believe how fast the year flew by! Time truly does not stand still, not for those just having fun & not even for the brokenhearted.

We had a stupendous year & I pray it only gets better. Here is a little reflection of the past year.

Our Perfect "Rainbow" baby was born! (1/12/11)

The girls were over the moon!

Our Sweet Girl turned 8! (3/03/11)

March for Babies was a Success!
Our team raised a little over $500! (4/30/11)

Easter was a Blast! (4/24/11)

Our Summer Vacation was Awesome! (June 2011)

We have a 3rd grader & an 8th grader! (Aug. 2011)

Nehemiah's Angelversary was
on a Beautiful day! (10/18/11)

Our Beautiful girl turned 14! (10/21/11)
Here w/two of her girlfriends.

Halloween was Frightful! (10/31/11)

Thanksgiving w/my brothers;
so Thankful today! (11/24/11)

Christmas was Glorious! (12/25/11)Toast to the New Year! (1/01/12)

Now that we are starting a new year, I pray it is just as Perfect, Sweet, Successful, a Blast, Awesome, Beautiful, Frightful, Thankful, Glorious, & worth a Toast for each one of you!


"Seek first God's kingdom & His righteousness, & all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33