NEHEMIAH CHRISTOPHER REYNA

Troubling Minds

2012-01-20T07:40:00.001-06:00

I have been a part of a support group here in our local town & also a part of some online groups. Reading so many different stories of how parents have lost their children, during pregnancy all the way to adulthood. I have learned no one is ever prepared & no one is immune to tragedy!

I have come across stories recently & once I have read the story I am so heartbroken at times I wish I had not just read that or God gives me words to share. It can, at times, make a person paranoid about their own children. At the same time, it makes me humble & love my children a little more than I already do.

When I flash back to being in labor with Andrea, I think back about how they had sent us home once & were going to send us home again when my water broke. I am so lucky that they kept me. One) I was already over due & Two) I could have lost her if I had went home to stay because of her cord being around her neck. I have read similar cases to mine where the mom waited to go to the hospital & her baby did not make it or they were past their due date & the baby passed before the doctors decided to induce.

Then, I think about when I went into labor with Makaila. How we took our time getting to the hospital & being all nonchalant about the whole ordeal, just for her to go into fetal distress after the doctor checked my cervix. Did she go into fetal distress because she checked me? Would she have went into distress if we would have taken just a little more time? I read a story similar to mine that did not have a happy ending. I could never imagine how my life would be without her.

Also, when I was pregnant with Makaila, a co-worker lost her son at 6 1/2 months. He was due just a few weeks before Makaila. The remainder of my pregnancy I just thought, "That could be me".

It is enough to make a person have an anxiety attack. However, I know when enough is enough & I need to step away from the computer & I know when God had lead me to someone that I need to share my story of Nehemiah with or just to give them some words of kindness. I think He also gives me the opportunity to let these people show me something or to remind me that I am blessed with my little Earth angels.

Thank you God for blessing me with my three Earth angels & my Heaven angel. I pray for patience & the wisdom to raise my children the way You want me to Lord. Please be with those parents who had to say good-bye for now & may they have peace in their hearts. ~Amen

Rainbow Baby

2012-01-19T20:26:00.002-06:00

I know I have posted a few times regarding our "Rainbow" baby & thought I would share a little insight to what that means exactly.

"Rainbow Babies" are the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and the clouds. Storm clouds may still loom over but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and much needed hope.

Reflections of 2011

2012-01-01T11:55:00.028-06:00

I can hardly believe how fast the year flew by! Time truly does not stand still, not for those just having fun & not even for the brokenhearted.

We had a stupendous year & I pray it only gets better. Here is a little reflection of the past year.

Our Perfect "Rainbow" baby was born! (1/12/11)

The girls were over the moon!

Our Sweet Girl turned 8! (3/03/11)

March for Babies was a Success!
Our team raised a little over $700! (4/30/11)

Easter was a Blast! (4/24/11)

Our Summer Vacation was Awesome! (June 2011)

We have a 3rd grader & an 8th grader! (Aug. 2011)

Nehemiah's Angelversary was
on a Beautiful day! (10/18/11)

Our Beautiful girl turned 14! (10/21/11)
Here w/two of her girlfriends.

Halloween was Frightful! (10/31/11)

Thanksgiving w/my brothers;
so Thankful today! (11/24/11)

Christmas was Glorious! (12/25/11)

Toast to the New Year! (1/01/12)

Now that we are starting a new year, I pray it is just as Perfect, Sweet, Successful, a Blast, Awesome, Beautiful, Frightful, Thankful, Glorious, & worth a Toast for each one of you!

"Seek first God's kingdom & His righteousness, & all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33

Happy New Year's Eve

2011-12-31T19:29:00.005-06:00

As the year closes I would like to say I pray each of you have a new year full of blessings! May your relationships grow stronger, your pocketbooks feel a bit fuller & your faith grow everlasting.

For those of you planning to party, please be responsible & safe. Even buzz driving carries a risk of taking a life.

With all the love in the world, Love,

"Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You.
Show me the way I should go, for to You I lift up my soul." Psalm 143:8

Relationships are Work

2011-12-30T19:46:00.006-06:00

Well, Christmas has come & gone. The girls enjoyed their gifts from Santa & from the family. Crispin did not know what to think or what is going on, of course since he is a baby. hehe We had good fellowship & food. JD made us his famous brisket, which is delicious & not just because he is my hubby, but because it really is!

Unfortunately we received sad news that a kid we grew up with was killed in a car wreck early Christmas morning on his way to work. It is just a simple reminder that life is not guaranteed. We should always look out ourselves & our lives to see where we are with relationships & in our lives.

Do we have a relationship that needs mending? Do we have a situation that needs to be taken care of? A wrong that needs to be made right? You may have to be the bigger person & initiate the conversation. Even if you do not think you were the one in the wrong. Or maybe you know you are the one to blame & do not know what to say. How about start with, "I'm sorry". See where it goes. It may even take more than one time to initiate the conversation.

I pray this new year you find the time to work on your relationships whether it is with God, your parents, siblings, etc.

Now, this is the time to take care of things. A few moments, a few days, a few weeks, a months, Tomorrow, could be too late.

"Be completely humble & gentle; be patient, baring with one another with love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace." Ephesians 4:2-3

Come & Gone

2011-12-29T19:36:00.001-06:00

Well, Christmas has come & gone. The girls enjoyed their gifts from Santa & from the family. Crispin did not know what to think or what is going on, of course since he is a baby. hehe We had good fellowship & food. JD made us his famous brisket, which is delicious & not just because he is my hubby, but because it really is!

Unfortunately we received sad news that a kid we grew up with was killed in a car wreck. It is just a simple reminder that life is not guaranteed. We should always look out ourselves & our lives to see where we are with relationships & in our lives.

Do we have a relationship that needs mending? Do we have a situation that needs to be taken care of? A wrong that needs to be made right? I pray this new year you find the time to work on your relationships whether it is with God, your parents, siblings, etc.

Now, this is the time to take care of things. A few moments, a few days, a few weeks, a months, Tomorrow, could be too late.

"Be completely humble & gentle; be patient, baring with one another with love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace." Ephesians 4:2-3

Traditions to Honor

2011-12-20T07:04:00.004-06:00

CHRISTmas is gaining on us fast!

Every year while we are decorating our tree, ask my girls what the meaning of CHRISTmas is & Makaila usually chimes in first. We talk about the reason we give & receive presents is because of the presents that were given to Jesus & the gift of life He gave us by dying on the cross. She loves to hear the stories of Jesus & the angels & tell them just the same. This year she told us that CHRISTmas is about being together & loving one another!

When I think about how many children I have to buy CHRISTmas presents for, I always think about him, because I know there is one present I will not be buying. Every year we take all of our clothes & toys to the Faith City Mission. Andrea has been donating her toys since she was a toddler. We only had to explain to her once that there is a man who has many children & he cannot afford to buy them clothes & toys, so she is being like a big sister giving her stuff to these children. I have never had to fight with her or Makaila & for that I am grateful.

I am thinking next year we are going to pick an angel from the Angel Tree that Salvation Army does & buy for that angel. I am going to make this a yearly tradition & it will be like I am buying for Nehemiah. This year we bought for a friend of mine's son. I would do the angel tree this year, but I believe the deadline has passed.

What family traditions can you start to remember someone by?

Memory Lane

2011-12-19T21:25:00.007-06:00

Isn't it crazy how a little smell, a saying, a touch, et cetera, can trigger a memory?

Sometimes, while having a fantabulous day, I all of a sudden remember back to summers at my grandma's & being in her kitchen. It always smelled like yellow apples & bananas. I love that smell! Or if I get a whiff of a lilac, it sends me back to spring time in our backyard where we had lilac bushes along the fence & beside the house.

Sometimes I am taken back to happy memories. Sometimes I am taken back to sad memories. Sometimes I am taken back to horrible memories. However, I am thankful for each & every memory I have. For one day I may never remember.

Here lately I have been thinking a lot about my precious son Nehemiah. Every October, since he was born, I have had a smell that gets stuck in my nose & does not leave until November is here. It is a smell I have been asked numerous times to explain, but I can't.

This year was different though & it kind of made me sad. I do not know if it is because I have a new baby to tend to & I have the smell of pooh or spit up, but the smell only came to me at certain times of the day. One good thing though, I have been having that scent come & go since September. Like he is telling me hello or letting me know he is here with me.

I like to think when I am feeling the sunshine on my face he is giving me kisses, or when a breeze swishes past me that means he is dancing around me, or when I get goose bumps he is whispering he loves me in my ear. I like finding things too. Pennies, little white feathers, stickers on the bottom of my shoe.

I know this may seem a little weird, but it makes my heart happy to have these things around me.

What memories do you have that are kept alive by your senses?

December Already

2011-12-01T20:08:00.006-06:00

I cannot believe it is already December! This year has just flown by & I feel dizzy because of it!

CHRISTmas time is approaching. This is one of my favorite holidays, beside THANKSgiving! When I was a child it seemed like it took for ever to get here. Now it just speeds up here unexpectedly!

I remember waking up super early CHRISTmas morning & having to wait on our parents to wake up so we could go see what Santa left us. It seemed like an eternity waiting on them to wake up!

For the first few years my husband & I were married we would spend the night at my parents' on CHRISTmas Eve with my sisters & brother who still lived at home & we would do the same tradition we had been doing all my life. But it has gotten to where there are too many of us for all of us to spend the night in my parents' home. The times when my older brother & his family don't get to come down for CHRISTmas we have not quite figured out a tradition to suit us. The funny thing is we live in the same town my parents do, so it isn't like we have to travel far!

But, it is fun just the same to see our children's faces light up when they get to see their presents. My mom has made the sweetest stockings for all of her grandchildren, so it is really special when we get to see those filled up.

It will be extra special this year with Crispin celebrating his first CHRISTmas! There is a still a part of us missing on these special occasions.

But we can never forget the true meaning of CHRISTmas, now can we?!

The day our Lord & Savior, Jesus Christ was born in a manger!

"And she brought forth her firstborn Son, and wrapped Him in swaddling cloths and laid Him a manger because there was no room for them in the inn" Luke 2:7

Hope & Prayer

2011-11-30T20:26:00.000-06:00

I had made hats this past October to donate to our local hospitals. Unfortunately I got a late start, so we only had enough for one. We ended up donating to the hospital that Nehemiah was born in.

In each hat was a little card that told what the hats were for & listed my Team Nehemiah Facebook page for them. I check my page every now & again to see if anyone might have posted something.

A few weeks ago I had noticed someone had actually posted on my wall about her nephew receiving a Nehemiah's Hat. I was so excited to see this, but I was upset because the comment had been posted exactly one month before I actually read it. I was excited anyway to see that someone had received one of my extra special gifts.

Unfortunately, this little soul has been called back home. I cried for almost the whole day upon finding this out. So, I messaged the woman who left me the message & she messaged me back. This sweet little baby had been born with a birth defect that ultimately shortened his life.

This just proves right here how important the March of Dimes is & how important it is that we continue to donate for research on the cause & prevention of prematurity & birth defects. We have come a long way, but there is still so much more work to be done.

So, my mission for the new year is to get more awareness out there & hopefully get started earlier this year then I did last year.

For now though, lets have hope & pray daily!

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer" Romans 12:12

THANKSgiving

2011-11-20T15:50:00.005-06:00

It is that time of year again!

That time we know as fall, browning leaves, cooler weather, withering plants, snow, winter.

This month is Thanksgiving & we have plenty to be thankful for here in our little household.

Just as last year, I have been listing daily the things I am most thankful for on my facebook. It is great to share with others what makes you happy & thankful.

I love the holidays because I get to spend time with my brother & his family who do not live close to us. It is a precious time that I always hope goes by slowly.

My main thanks I give this month are:
My Health & Being Alive
My Marriage & Husband
My 3 Healthy Children
My Precious Angel Nehemiah
My Parents
My Siblings
The Past, Present & Future Service Men & Women Serving our Country
My Job
My House & Car

What are you most thankful for?

Psalm 107:1 "Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good!
Thanksgiving to the Lord for His great works of deliverance for His mercy endures forever."

We Are All Strong Enough

2011-11-05T08:14:00.018-05:00

On Thursday, I went to be with my dear friend who was celebrating the 3rd birthday of her sweet Bubbas. On my way to the cemetery I was thinking about what I was going to say & if she would like my gift I had made for her & then I was starting feel really sad & thought of my poor dear friend. Right as I turned into the entry way Jeremy Camp's "There Will Be a Day" started playing on the radio.

I am not sure if everyone knows how that song goes, so I will share a few lyrics:

I can’t wait until that day where the very one I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery this is why this is why I sing….

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we’ll see Jesus face to face

Well, she loved my gift, of course!! We hugged & talked. She has some very sweet nieces & nephew & her sister-in-love with her. She had white balloons to release. Of course I still had the sharpies in my purse from Nehemiah's balloon release, so I had to get those out. A couple more of her sweet friends showed up & we let the balloons go. It was cold & a little windy, but it was still very nice. Compared to the weather from the day before, this day was perfect.

As I was heading to the exit of the cemetery, I looked back & saw my dear friend sit down in front of her son. My heart broke just a little more for her & I wanted to go back, but I told myself she has to have some alone time with her sweet angel.

As soon as I made up my mind to leave another song came on the radio. This one being by Matthew West called "Strong Enough". Here are a few lyrics:

You must You must think I'm strong To give me what I'm going through

Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do On my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough For the both of us

Both of these songs coming on let me know that God was listening to my heart & these particular songs were played for me personally at those moments.

Today, I am thankful for my life lessons that are brought to me by the loss of my sweet angel Nehemiah Christopher Reyna. I would never have met the people I have or be able to help people who are grieving the loss of a child if I had not lost my own.

To close, here are just a few pictures I would like to share.

This is the wreath I made my dear friend.
The blue airplane has wings painted on the wings that you can't see at this angle.

There go our balloons!

My candle burning brightly.

"I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me". Philippians 4:13

Angelversary Past

2011-10-20T07:52:00.001-05:00

Each year we have done something special in memory of our sweet Nehemiah. I am always thinking of ideas to come up, so I thought I would share with you the things we have done.

October 18, 2008:
Our family met at Southlawn Park in the afternoon (go here to see photos). Both my younger & older brother read a verse from the bible, my brother-in-law said a some sweet words, I read a little thank you & then a verse from the bible & JD read a poem (I helped). I had purchased some special stationary paper from the local craft store that we all wrote a special note on & attached it to our balloons. Then we released them into the sky.

October 18, 2009:
JD, my girls & I went to a local park & released balloons & fed the ducks.
My two girls, my dad & myself all had 10 inches cut off of our hair & donated it to the Locks of Love.
I ordered Forget Me Not seeds off the internet & made seed packets. On each seed packet I attached a picture of Nehemiah's hands & placed a paper band around them with a poem.

October 18, 2010:
I asked everyone to please do 3 nice things & then write them down for me to keep. Only a few people did this for me. We donated to the Faith City Mission three items clothes, toys & book.
In the evening we went to a local park & released balloons with messages written on them.

October 18, 2011:
We bought a kit at Wal-mart & knitted hats for our local NICU. Unfortunately we got a late start, so we only donated to the hospital where we delivered our angel. JD named them Nehemiah's Hats. Fitting, don't you think?

Afterwards, we went to a local park & released balloons. It was too windy or we would have fed some ducks.

I am already planning next years event. Hopefully we can do it, until then, my lips are sealed.

Balloon Release

2011-10-19T05:52:00.001-05:00

Well sweet son, we had quite a day for 4th Angelversary.

After your sisters got out of school we went home & picked up your daddy & baby brother & we headed to the hospital with our Nehemiah's Hats. Daddy picked them in case you did not already know that.

When we got to the registration desk to find out where the nursery was, we were greeted by the charge nurse named Patty. She asked us what we were delivering to the nursery, so I opened the box to show her the tiny hats we had knitted.

Before she took them upstairs to be placed on the little babies' heads, I explained to her about our sweet baby (you) & how we do something every year in honor of your memory. She was so sweet & said she was taking them right away to be distributed.

We left there with our hearts (faces) smiling.

We then went & picked out your birthday balloons. Andrea got an orange star, Makaila got a white star & Crispin got a blue star. Daddy got a Happy Birthday & I got you a sports balloon. It was super windy outside, so we sat inside the van & wrote our messages on your balloons.

I took these pictures of each of our balloons.

One problem, when Makaila got out of the van, the wind ripped her balloon out of her hand. She cried so hard because it got away. So daddy let her hold his. Crispin did not know what to think about all that was going on, so he sat holding your bear.

We miss you sweet angel & love you dearly. We hope you had an awesome birthday in Heaven!

Love,
Mommy, Daddy, Andrea, Makaila & Crispin

Happy 4th Angelverary

2011-10-18T07:51:00.003-05:00

It is hard to believe it has been 4 years since you graced us with your presence. We miss you so much, especially today.

I still dream of the day I delivered you & how beautiful you were. I dream of all the things I wish I could have had with you here on Earth. Playing with your sisters & tormenting them as young brothers do. Daddy showing you how to throw a ball & signing you up for football. For now I will settle on just dreams.

Even though you now have a little brother, you will always be my first born son.

This afternoon we plan to take our little hats we made in your honor to the hospital you were born on that cool October day. We plan to go to the park & send balloon messages your way.

Here are Nehemiah's Hats:

These are the small ones. These are the larger ones.

They are ready to go!

Keep watch over us until one day we meet again my darling son.

Happy Birthday my angel!

Love Always,
Mommy, Daddy, Andrea, Makaila & Crispin

5th Annual Candle Light Vigil

2011-10-16T19:46:00.003-05:00

October is not only Breast Cancer Awareness, it is also Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. October 15th is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Every year on October 15th candles are lit at 7pm & burn for one hour all over the world for a continuous wave of light.

This year, just like years past, our local candle light vigil was at Medi Park. Here are a few pictures I was able to take & thought I would share.

As you can tell, we had quite a turn out. So sorry for the reason we were all together, but happy we have other people to share our story with who understand our pain. The weather was nice & candles cooperated.

Premonitions, Angelversary & Other Things

2011-10-09T09:28:00.009-05:00

This month is flying by, it seems. If you had told me four years ago that I would be celebrating my baby was not going to make it & we would be a part of a select club, I would like to think that I would not have believed you.

Looking back though & thinking about all of the premonitions of what was about to happen during my short pregnancy, I think I already knew. I just did not know when it was going to take place exactly. I have heard other stories of people knowing it is close to the end for them, I truly believe we sometimes just know.

But here we are, just a week & few days away from being four years without our precious Nehemiah.

Now he is our special guardian angel. Watching us & showing us different things as we go about. We have met some special people we would probably never have met. We have been able to share our story to help others, a story would not have had it not been for our angel.

Saturday, October 15th is the Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. We meet at a local park & light a candle for our lost little ones. It is overwhelming, but we feel we must do it. Then three days later is our Nehemiah's angelversary.

This is the first angelversary since our new addition to the family. Crispin of course will not understand what is going on. But one day we will be able to explain to it to him & he will know.

At times when Crispin is sitting up he looks up to the ceiling & holds his hands up in the air & smiles real big or when he smiles in his sleep, he has even laughed out loud while he is asleep. JD & I like to think he is playing with his big brother. It is really sweet!

I have read different things about babies being angels before God sends them down to be our babies. I know it might be a little silly or there might actually be something to it. As well as I do not believe in reincarnation at all, but if an angel becoming our baby could be true, who really knows if maybe a part of it could be a reincarnation. Like this one particular angel was to be your baby & then God decides to send that angel to someone else instead because He has something greater planned for you. Ok I think I am rambling on now. I am trying to get to a story that I am not sure I have ever told before in a blog; however, I would like to share it anyway.

Last November I attended the 2nd Birthday of an angel baby. While I was sitting at the table a small boy (about 2 or 3) came & sat beside me & his mom sat on my other side. He kept smiling at me & rambling about different things to me. His mom told me that he does not talk to just anyone. I just listened & could not stop staring at him. He was a little chubby fella with short light brown hair, a dimple in his cheek, light brown eyes & light brown skin. I just thought to myself, that is exactly how Nehemiah would look if he were here today. It would have really been something if his name had been Nehemiah, wouldn't it?

I know there are things that just cannot be explained & this is one of them.

I think I am now done with my rambling for the day. Please continue to pray for all the moms & dads all over the world who are having to continue living without their precious children. On October 15th light your candle at 7pm & let it burn for one hour for a continuous wave of light. If you live in the Amarillo area, you are more than welcome to attend the Candle Light Vigil at Medi Park at the playground by the Discovery Center, from 7pm-10pm.

4th October

2011-10-01T07:00:00.005-05:00

I cannot believe in just a few weeks it will be 4 years since you, my precious Nehemiah, was born sleeping. Not a day goes by that I do not think about you. What life would be like right now in this moment with you here with us. In time it has gotten easier, but we have definitely not ever forgotten. Every October I experience a smell that triggers every emotion imaginable, I just wonder if this year will be any different.

Every year we have done something as a family to celebrate your angelversary. This year is no different. I have been making little knitted hats to donate to the NICU at the hospitals. I even have daddy helping me! I was thinking about getting a tattoo next year since I will not be nursing, but let's see if I don't wimp out.

We plan to walk this morning at the Walk to Remember at Memorial Park. I made this little picture for you just for this month.
We love you son & miss you everyday! You will always live in our hearts!

Love,
Mommy, Daddy, Andrea, Makaila & Crispin

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month

2011-09-30T07:00:00.003-05:00

October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month.

If you live in the Amarillo area here are a few things going on this month you may participate either as an angel parent, angel grandparent, angel sibling, angel aunt, angel cousin, angel uncle, friend of any of these listed, etc.

"A Walk to Remember"
Saturday, October 1, 2011 @ 10 am
Memorial Park-Area # 1( east side of park) 2400 South Washington.
This walk is for parents, grandparents, siblings, health-care professionals, friends to observe National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month.

World Wide Wave of Light
5th Annual Pregnancy and Infant Loss Candlelight Vigil!
Saturday, October 15 · 7:00pm - 10:00pm
Amarillo Botanical Gardens (next to the playground)
1400 Streit Dr. Amarillo, Texas

Great Company!

2011-09-29T20:08:00.003-05:00

I was thinking this morning about the people I have met after becoming a parent of an angel. I have met people I would never have met any other way & also caught back up with friends whom I had lost touch with, even gotten closer to a friend or two.

They always say God brings people into your life that you will help or who will help you. I do not think you can ever fully help someone who is going through something unless you have been in that same spot yourself.

I am thankful for the friends I have made & bonds that have gotten stronger because of my sweet Nehemiah. I miss my angel baby everyday, but it makes me feel good to think that he is making some really special friends up in Heaven. He is in great company!

My Shoes

2011-09-14T22:45:00.003-05:00

I wear a pair of shoes
They are ugly shoes
Uncomfortable shoes
I hate my shoes
Each day I wear them and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step
Yet, I continue to wear them
I get funny looks wearing these shoes
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs
They never talk about my shoes
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt
No woman deserves to wear these shoes
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
~Unknown Author

She Will Never Love Another, The Way She Loved Him...

2011-09-12T18:57:00.006-05:00

I have been thinking back to a conversation that was being held between a group of friends. I was not part of the conversation, nor I was not eavesdropping. I was actually with a person who was part of this group & taking it all in.

The conversation was about a young man who had died in an automobile accident. He left behind his parents, siblings, numerous friends & family, & a fiance.

The group was discussing how sad it was that he had not gotten to marry his fiance & how sad she must be. One person even chimed in to say that they hoped she was not being left out, since she was just the fiance.

I was daydreaming, drifting in and out of the conversation, until one man said, "At least she can still remarry".

My ears perked up, the way dogs do in movies & I listened closer as everyone else chimed in on how that was true, true, true. Then I was screaming inside of my head "I hope you did not say that to her!".

Oh, how to this day I wish I had said something. Not just anything. Not anything sarcastic. Not anything to belittle them. Just something that would have made them realize what the man had just said & what each individual had just agreed to.

It is this way with any kind of tragedy I suppose. There are those who would say:
"You can always find another partner"
"You can always have another baby"
"At least you have other siblings"
"At least you have your other parent"
"At least you have other children"

I know people mean well, one never really knows what to say to another person who is mourning. Especially one who has never experienced it first hand. I myself still do not have all of the words I wish to say to another person who is grieving the loss of a baby/child, but I do know what not to say.

So, if I could rewind time & go back to that one day, I would have to politely say, "But she will never love another, the way she loved him".

The point I am making today is, no matter how well our intentions are, think before you speak.

Names in the Sand

2011-08-13T16:15:00.017-05:00

"The name of a child is written on a mother's soul & engraved in the palm of God's hand"

Unconditional Love

2011-08-09T22:17:00.003-05:00

The love a mother has for her children,
The love a father has for his children,
The love our Father has for us, His children
This is called Unconditional Love!

I love that the Lord loves us!
I love that the Lord blessed my husband & I with the children we have!
I love the child the Lord blessed my husband & I that grows in our heart!
This is called Unconditional Love!

What a love this is!

"Let us love one another, for love comes from God.
Everyone who loves has been born of God & knows God.
Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." 1John 4:7-8

Strong & Steady

2011-07-30T16:31:00.009-05:00

I have started this post three different times today. Getting a few sentences out & then realizing that I was rambling or what I had written had no meaning. So, here I start again & decided to go a different route.

I always thought that after my loss I would always be there for my friends & family if they were to ever face the same ordeal of losing a child. However, I have found this tough & not as easy to comfort someone as I had originally thought. I feel absolutely helpless, but I hope that I do have the right words when the time comes. I know that my loss has meaning whether that is to help someone else out or to show what love I have for our Lord even through such great tragedy.

Today I went to the memorial of a sweet baby girl whose life was short & brief, yet has brought so much to my life & I know for many others who were following her story as well. She grew in her mother's womb for 32 weeks with a birth defect that we prayed would not take her life. We prayed that she would be healed & live a normal life. We prayed she would be used to show us how to fight. Unfortunately, God had another plan.

I had never been to a memorial for an infant & it was quite an experience, as well as heartbreaking. The pastor spoke of this baby as if she had lived for 32 years. It was comforting & he said some things that my husband said he had needed to hear.

Her parents are strong & steady. Letting the Lord lead them & turning to Him for comfort. This is how He wants it. He wants us when we are at our weakest. When we are at our lowest. When we are at our darkest. He loves us & knows what we can handle.

Right now it is not understandable why we must endure so much pain. In the end the reasoning will be shown to us.

My prayer today is for all of those mommies & daddies who not able to hold their babies in their arms; for peace & comfort as they must go on living with a piece of their heart missing. To one day know this too will be made right.

Family Game Nights

2011-07-28T06:52:00.003-05:00

Oh how I L.O.V.E. Family Game Nights!

We bought a used Wii with our income tax & when we have a few extra dollars we go to the used games shop & buy a game to try out on game night. Or we play Yahtzee, which is my favorite game. I manage to win & I actually have no kind of strategy! That my friends is called L-U-C-K.

We eat junk food & play whatever game we can agree on. Usually someone gets their feelings hurt by the end of the night from losing & we have to call it a night. This is usually the same person who ribs those losing when they are in the lead. It is quite comical.

When I was a child & we played games, my dad cheated. Then that was passed down to my older brother. I have never mastered the art of cheating. The best I can do is when we play Uno & I lay down an extra card. I am sure my family is going to read this & be keeping a close eye on me in the future.

Not many people sit down to a meal together, much less have a game night. We have a small apartment so no dining table. However, we all sit together in the living room & talk about our day while we eat or watch a movie. We are together nonetheless.

We always ate dinner together when I was a child. We prayed before we ate & enjoyed small talk with dinner. Then it was time for dishes & then bed. I am glad we did that when I was a child. It is that close togetherness that children need. I think it makes them feel loved & secure.

Family is all we have at the end of the day anyhow.

Summer Update

2011-07-27T06:41:00.002-05:00

I cannot believe it is already July! That means only about a month until school starts again. Andrea will be in the 8th grade & Makaila will be in the 3rd. Before we know it, Andrea will be driving & then dating. Ugh! So not ready for that one bit.

This July we have not had much excitement. Since we are so dry, we did not get a 4th of July show. Usually they have fireworks at the park & we sit in the parking lot of one of the churches close by. This year they did a laser light show & from what I understood, you had to actually be inside of the park to see it. Which stinks.

We have been experiencing 3 digit weather & with no rain, it has been pretty bad. We had a month of fires, which to me, seem to have tapered off. Hopefully people around here are using their noggins when grilling & smoking cigarettes outside.

The girls have been laying around watching movies, going to the park & swimming. We went camping at the end of June with my parents & it was quite fun! We got to spend time with my brothers & their families. JD has been keeping the kids during the day & umpiring in the evening & weekends. He had a few weeks off except for weekend tournaments & the season just started full-swing again.

I hope & pray everyone is having a safe & happy summer. Enjoy it while it lasts!

Grief is...

2011-07-26T06:28:00.005-05:00

All engulfing
Managing
The price we pay
Healing
Good for us
More than emotion
Common
Sharing
A natural reaction
Long
Learning to live without
Heart-rending
Inevitable
Work
Part of Life
A unique challenge
Like a river
A journey
The agony
Cruel
No longer forbidden
Normal
Like a tsunami

The Gift

2011-07-25T20:06:00.000-05:00

I have a gift. I did not want this gift, it meant suffering and pain. The pain came because of love. A love which had manifested itself in a child. The child brought its love to me and asked for my love. Sometimes I did not understand this. Sometimes I did not appreciate it. Sometimes I was too busy to listen quietly to this love. But the love persisted; it was always there.

One day the child died. But the love remained. This time the love came in other forms. This time there were memories; there was sadness and anguish. And unbeleivable pain.

One day a stranger came and stood with me. The stranger listened and occasionally spoke. The stranger said "I understand", and did. You see the stranger had also been this way. We talked and cried together. The stranger touched me to comfort. The stranger became my friend as no other had. My friend said "I am always here", and was.

One day I lifted my head. I noticed another grieving, grey and drawn with pain. I approached and spoke. I touched and comforted. I said, "I will walk with you", and did.

I also had the gift.

author-Joe Lawley, is the co-founder parent of The Compassionate Friends.

Death is...

2011-07-25T06:22:00.008-05:00

Milliseconds away
Not an option
Personal
An illusion
Sleep
Not dying
A mystery
Sought
Not glamorous
Real
Different
Silent
Not the end
Just the beginning
In store
Not dull
A familiar tragedy
Inevitable
Oddly life enhancing
Not the same
The road to awe

Death & Grief

2011-07-24T18:01:00.008-05:00

Death is a part of Life. You can't have life without death. Grief is death's best friend. Grief likes to torture us & give us headaches. We all lose & grieve in our lifetime. Some not to the extent as others, but we all experience it one way or another.

I know you have read me say this before, but grief is like a punch in the gut, it takes your breath away. Some days it feels like you are going to die yourself. You are thinking your heart just cannot take anymore or it will explode!

When I hear someone has lost a baby or child, it tears at my heartstrings. More now than it did before my own loss. I use to only be able to say "I can only imagine". Now, I can say "I know".

I never try to compare my grief or my feelings to another person's, as they may not feel the same way I did at that moment. I know grief is grief, but I do not think one should say to another "I know how you feel". Really? How do you know? Yes, you have been at the same crossroad & have had the same outcome, but you do not know how that person is feeling. I say wait it out & if they talk to you & their feelings are in fact the same as yours once were, then I think it is safe to say you know. You never want to downplay someone else's grief, nor make it your own.

In the beginning I cried day & night. Everything set me off. I would beg for God to hurry up & let six months pass. My thinking was, in six months I will be over this. I will be better & I can start over. Not everyone prays for life to pass them by when they lose someone. Some do not cry day & night.

I have met a few mothers who have just wanted to hurry & have another child & seem to be fine with that. Yes, they have bad days & are sad, but not to the extent of losing it right there in front of me. They are cool & calm, not the way I would say I had handled it. I never held back. If I was having a panic attack or just needed to bawl, I started right then & there. I did not want another child & I knew for me, it would not help me one bit in doing so. I needed to just be left alone to grieve with my husband.

I do not grieve the same way as I did 4-years ago, but I still grieve. I know that I have since been blessed with a precious baby boy, but that will never take away my pain & sorrow. My heart is scarred & will never be healed. It can be ripped open at any moment & I will grieve again. I just know how to live with grief in my life now. It will never go away while I am alive here on earth & I am okay with that, now.

Today I pray for peace & comfort for parents & grandparents who have lost their baby/grand-baby or child/grandchild. It is devastating & not something anyone of us would wish on our worst enemy. I would wish crabs or something, but not for their child to be taken by death.

Sleepy Baby

2011-06-30T21:50:00.004-05:00

My Indian Giver

2011-06-30T21:13:00.002-05:00

I was given a dream, a future that started planning in my mind.
I was given a miracle, a bundle of love I was supposed to have for the rest of my time.
I was given these thoughts of security and peace.
I was given the sense to feel, kicks and flutters of your tiny feet.
I was given my heart, another beat under my own.
You, my little boy, were supposed to be mine to love have and hold.
As I waited for you I got your room ready.
I picked your name and started planning.
I was getting anxious for you, waiting for your cries.
I wanted your little finger wrapped around mine.
I wanted to take the weight from my belly and have it put in my arms.
I wanted to nurse you and make you so strong.
The day I woke up and couldn't feel you move, I knew something wasn't right.
I went to get your daddy and we drove as fast as we could with nothing but you in our minds.
Thinking that when we got there we would her your heart pound,
but when we got there we heard nothing, not a flinch, not a sound.
When we saw you on the screen as still as could be,
It tore out my core out and that was when I lost me.
I could feel a piece of you leave as I screamed for someone to help.
You left me in that scream and to my knees I fell.
You were created with so much love, I thought that it was enough to make Him let you stay.
I keep replaying what I did wrong and how I could have changed that day.
I would have given my life for you, if I knew you were leaving me, if I had the chance.
I would have taken your place if only He would have asked.
I don't want to be without you and somehow I am labeled a survivor.
Hopefully God you will forgive me for calling you my Indian Giver.

Written by Nichole Cavote

SuMmEr TiMe!

2011-05-31T22:19:00.006-05:00

Today marks the beginning of summer break for my girls & JD, even though school ended for him a few weeks ago. Now it is time for sleeping in, movie marathons, barbies, swimming pool time & staying up late.

I remember carefree summers. Granted it is nothing like it use to be. We stayed out late with the neighborhood kids playing hide-n-go seek in the dark & tag by porch light. I remember catching locus & collecting their dried skin stuck to the trees. Locus freak me out now though & we really do not have as many as we use to have. I wish my girls could enjoy those times with my 11 year-old self. Wouldn't that be something?

I love my hubby working part-time right now because he gets his own bonding time with his children. Granted, in a few weeks he may be begging for "free time"...lol! I love that he watches the baby when I am at work so we do not have to put him in the hands of strangers, aka daycare (it is that fear thing I talked about in my last post). I know with JD, Crispin is getting 100% of his attention & he is taken very good care of. I am a little jealous, but I know when JD gets done with school I plan to cut back on work to be with the children & hopefully get us all into volunteering somewhere.

I pray our summer is not filled with the dryness we have been experiencing right now, especially because of all of the fires we have been experiencing. They are talking about not having a firework show this year because of all the fires. Safety first! I pray for each & everyone of you to have an awesome & safe summer.

Thoughts of a Crazy Woman-er Mama

2011-05-29T17:38:00.008-05:00

Time really does fly by when you are having fun! Where does it go, no one knows.

I remember thinking about all the things my girls would do when they were babies, like rolling over, walking, talking, but with Crispin it is different. I am not sure if it is because he is the last baby JD & I will have or if it is from knowing how fast a life can end. No matter how long or short it is.

Instead, I have woken myself, as well as JD, during the middle of the night to make sure Crispin is still breathing, that he is not too hot or too cold. That he has his paci or just to put him bed with us. When I go to the store I look around to make sure some crazy person is not about to jump out & steal my baby from me & make him their own.

One night, after our late night nursing session, I woke to find that Crispin was smashed up against me with the covers over his head. I pulled the covers back & touched his face, thinking it would startle him enough to make his hand move. But nothing. So, I lifted his hand up & it fell back down to the bed like he had been t.k.o.'d. I did this three more times all with the same result. I turned his head over to look at me, but that did nothing. Soon I had him uncovered & was shaking him a little. By this time I had startled JD & he was telling me he was fine & to look at his chest rising & falling. Sure enough he was because by now he was awake & ticked off! I just laid there laughing at myself.

I know he is a happy, healthy, 16.6 pound baby who loves his mama & is best friends with his daddy. Who loves his sisters & their crazy ways. Who loves to nurse, talk & smile, not always in that order. So, for now I will Praise Jesus for blessing me with my sweet precious boy & my beautiful little girls. I will enjoy their precious moments, for I know one day I will miss this.

The Princess

The Duchess

The Prince

Mother's Day, a Blessed Day!

2011-05-09T12:20:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was Mother's Day & I had a blessed day!

The girls & I went to church. We enjoyed great praise & worship music & heard a great sermon. After church they made some homemade Mother's Day cards.

I went to eat dinner with my mom, sister-in-love, my grandma, my aunt Na & my cousin. Every year my mom treats us all to dinner. The last couple of years we have went to Texas Roadhouse. We chat with one another & enjoy great food. Later that evening my little brother took my mom & I to Ruby Tequila's. That was really nice as well.

I could not help it, but there was one thing that stuck in my mind the whole day was mothers without their children & children without their mothers.

I am blessed to have had two beautiful healthy girls before my precious Nehemiah came into & back out of our lives. I am blessed to still have my beautiful mother to celebrate Mother's Day with & her mother, who if it weren't for her I would not have my mother. I am also blessed to have a new baby boy to celebrate Mother's Day with.

My heart aches to think that one day my mother will not be here to celebrate our special day. Or that God could call another one of my children home to be with Him. I have to try not to think about these things & enjoy the time I have with each of them now. Just as I am sure when Father's Day approaches I will have these same thoughts, fathers without their children & children without their fathers.

I do believe with all of my heart that whether you have 15 children or 1, you are a mother or father. I also believe if any of those children, or all for that matter, were to be called home, you are still a mother or a father. Just the same as you are still someone's child if your parents are called home. It does not make us feel better, but hopefully brings peace knowing that one day we will never have to go a day without the one(s) we love.

I pray daily for my friends & family who are without their parents &/or children. It is tough to go on living feeling like you are not complete no matter how many years go by or how many children you have. Something will always be missing.

So for now we must make the best of the time we have & make new memories, remember the ones & just live life the way the ones we are missing would have wanted us to live it.

Happy Mother's Day After!

March for Babies 2011

2011-04-30T22:40:00.005-05:00

What a blast the walk was this year!

We did not have nearly as many people walk with us as last year, but we had quite a few new walkers. It started out windy & cool & actually turned into a pretty nice day.

My team, Team Nehemiah, raised $527.26! When I got everything started we only had 8 weeks left to get some money collected. We did not raise as much as last year, but we did meet our goal of $500.00!

I get so envious of other family teams who bring in $1,000's of dollars, but I have to remind myself that I am just starting out. Some of the family teams have been doing this a while & have got their supporters already lined up. I am praying that next year I can get my teammates more involved so we can get some more donations.

I know the walk for babies is not only about the monetary donations, it also about getting awareness out there that women need prenatal care & babies do need to be vaccinated. I would not have had the option for a 1st Trimester Screening had it not been for the March of Dimes & without that I might have stressed myself out into having a preemie baby instead of my 6lb 12 1/2oz healthy baby boy.

March of Dimes is my passion! Be on the lookout for posts in the future about fundraising & we can save some babies together!

Gracie, Laci, JD, Bo, Dad, Anthony, Mom, Lisa, Debbie, Kasi, Jillian, Priscilla, Me/Crispin,
Cadence, KK, Carson, Myka, Eli, Arianna, AB, Xavier

Thank you to my walkers & those of you who contributed & for supporting my cause!

Mom, dad, Kasi, JD, Me/Crispin, Andrea,
Carson, Cadence & KK

This is for you son!

What is My Passion?

2011-04-05T19:20:00.007-05:00

It is just 3 1/2 weeks away until the March of Dimes' March for Babies. I got a late start this year, which made me feel a little overwhelmed about a week ago. So, I put my thinking cap on & started plotting fundraiser ideas.

This past weekend my eldest daughter & I had our bake sale. We had typed up a letter detailing why we walk & asked each mother & daughter to bake something & then help us hold a bake sale to raise money. We had a great turn out! Two of my daughter's teachers even chipped in.

This always makes me feel great that I can do something like this. I don't raise thousands of dollars like some family teams are able to, but hopefully one day I can. To help with funding research to save the life of a baby born too soon or keep a baby from being born too soon or to stop a baby from being born with a birth defect, that is my passion!

He Gives Beauty for Ashes

2011-03-27T11:57:00.010-05:00

While I nurse Crispin, we tend to lock eyes just for a moment. He looks away or closes his eyes to drift off to sleep. At these times I think about how beautiful he is with his big brown eyes, long eye lashes peach fuzz head. I think of how innocent he is & how pure his soul is.
Sometimes my thoughts drift on to the son I never got to nurse. I always wonder how Nehemiah would have looked. I have had visions or met children whom I thought had characteristics my baby might have had.

When Nehemiah was born, he was fully formed just really small. His skin was red & he had not grown any hair yet. His skin was smooth & glossy, not the same feel as a newborn. His eyes were closed, but his lips were parted & you could see his tongue. I might seem a little "off my rocker", but when I look at his pictures I see JD in him.

At times when I have been playing with Crispin or nursing him these lyrics have come to mind:
"He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair" ~Crystal Lewis

I know that God never gives us more than we can handle & sometimes I feel people come into our lives at different times to teach us something. It may seem unfair when they have to go, but I know that God has a plan for me & I have to have faith in Him & let Him lead me.

My "beauties for ashes" (4days old)

Sharing Something Beautiful

2011-03-26T12:38:00.013-05:00

CrisPiN & NehEMiaH's BeAr

BREATHE! RELAX!

2011-03-25T19:00:00.004-05:00

Is this year going by rather quickly or is it the maternity leave that I took or just life itself?

In just a few short weeks is the March of Dimes' March for Babies. This time last year I had already raise a couple of hundred bucks, had our t-shirts designed & had recruited walkers. This year, I have not raised anything, I do not have my t-shirt design yet (which I just asked a friend to assist me with) & I only have a few sweet people signed up. I have tons of ideas to raise the money this year, but I just feel rushed & out of time.

So, I am trying to tell myself to relax, just do what you can. My sweet oldest daughter is rounding up girlfriends & their mothers to help us with a bake sale. We are hoping to do it this coming weekend at our local Wal-Mart. Now, just to let everyone know that she has invited when & where. As well as asking a few of my sweet family members to help out.

Typing this out has my heart rate up (lol)! For any of you reading this who feel compelled to make a small, medium or large donation please go here & donate. Anything would be appreciated.

So, here is to BREATHING & RELAXING! There is always the rest of this year & the next to reach my goal.

God Bless You All!

A Little Something to Think About

2011-03-05T06:32:00.002-06:00

Today I have been thinking of my children, which I do everyday. What I was thinking about is how blessed I am that the three children I have in my presence are healthy, happy & thriving. That leads me to then think about the child that will never be healthy, happy & thriving in my presence.

JD said he had been listening to the radio & they were playing a St. Jude's clip. He said one child stuck out to him the most, even made him cry & not because of his story, but because he will never get his first kiss, first date, first child, etc. As he told me the young boy's story, it got me to thinking about our son, Nehemiah. How he never got his first kiss from mama, daddy & sisters, his first drop of my milk, his first real bath, etc.

We need to remind ourselves every now & again that what we take for granted in our everyday lives, someone else is missing out on. I am not saying not to live your life or to be miserable because someone else will never be doing the very thing you are doing right now. What I would like for you to do is go the rest of your days being thankful for the things you have done & are doing today in the present. I was raised to believe that if you think you have it bad, there is always some else who has it worse.

We never know how long we have in life. Tomorrow as you drive to work you could be hit by a drunk driver & die. Your infant could go to sleep & never wake up. Your sister could be beaten to death or your brother could get ran over while riding his motorcycle. You could get into a fight with your dad or mom & in the morning they not wake up from their sleep & you will never get to say you are sorry.

We all take life for granted in way or another. Sometimes we never think the worse could happen to us. Or we blame others for our misfortunes & never take a step back to see that we are the problem & we need to fix it before it is too late.

So cherish what you do have, kiss your babies goodnight & say I love you to those in your life. Never forget the ones who have gone on before you or the hardships you have endured in your life, but be thankful for all the good & the bad. Remember everyday to thank Jesus, the Man who bore our cross & thorns so that we may have eternal life.

Life is....

2011-03-03T07:00:00.002-06:00

Never Guaranteed
A Blessing
Fun
Beautiful
A Highway
God Given
Big
Living
Nuts
Poetry
An Art
Good
A Dream
Not Read Only
A War
Wonderful
Colorful
A Feast
A Story
Like A Box Of Chocolates
Noise
A Zoo
Unfair
A Cartoon
Hard
What You Make It
Sweet
Short
A Ball
Eternal, if you believe Jesus Christ as your Savior! (John 3:16)

Quote of the Day

2011-02-19T07:00:00.002-06:00

"Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it."~Mother Teresa

Reflections & Confessions

2011-02-18T14:41:00.005-06:00

What a whirl-wind of a year my family & I have had!

After finding out we were pregnant while trying to work on our marriage & after the loss of our last baby might be enough for some people to just throw their hands up in the air & give up due to these stresses. It was a trying time at times, I am not going to lie.

I still had some resentments towards my husband & with the pregnancy, I was still enduring some grief from the loss of my last baby. But after many late night discussions we concluded that God wanted us to be blessed with this little miracle for more than one reason or another & my husband says, "God wants me to grow up & be the husband & father I set out to be". We had to let Him have control & believed that He was going to bless us.

While we were pregnant we were dreading the 20 week mark. I had started feeling Nehemiah move around the 16th week of pregnancy, so when I started feeling Crispin around the same time it seemed a little like de ja vu. Only I was not having any of my nightmares or bad feelings like I had while pregnant with Nehemiah. As we were quickly approaching the 20 week mark I was actually having a feelings of comfort & peace. Since we were scheduling our delivery date I started getting panicky & anxious around week 35. I kept feeling like if they do not take him now something bad is going to happen. I would just breathe & start praying to God to let him stay in until the doctor was ready to deliver him. I know that a baby born before 37 weeks is never a good thing.

When people would ask me if I was ready yet or don't I wish he would come early, I always politely said no & no. I knew this was my last baby & I wanted everything to go perfect. After the loss of Nehemiah I look at pregnancy way different than before. I know the last few weeks it seems unbearable at times due to swelling & not being able to sleep comfortably & feeling the baby move makes you wish they were here sooner rather than later so you can feel them in your arms. I think after a pregnancy or infant loss we tend to be able to tolerate the uncomfortableness & the sleeplessness just to insure the baby is healthy, alive & well at birth. I have actually started to believe that a woman who wishes for her baby to born early because it will be cute small & won't hurt so much during delivery or so their baby can be here sooner, are actually selfish!

Now to make a confession. The day we went in for our c-section just to be sent back home due to a scheduling error, I had a couple of panic attacks just thinking "if they leave this baby inside for one more day he is going to die". I just prayed all day that everything was going to work out & I kept reminding God that it was His will. I even reminded Him a time or two that we really wanted this baby & we would be great parents. Like God needs reminding of something I had been thinking & praying for the last nine months. :)

God has truly blessed our family over this past year & I am thankful for having such a loving Father to call upon. I feel sorry for the people out there who do not believe in God or cannot put their trust in Him & let Him have control. When I look around me & see such beautiful flowers, trees, bugs, birds, sunsets, or anything else too beautiful to be man-made I think, "Wow! What a God! How can you not believe in God?"

I will just keep praying for the non-believers & keep giving thanks to my Lord!

For God so loved the world that He gave His one & only son that who should ever believe in Him shall not parish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16

He is Here & We Are Loving Him!

2011-01-25T19:34:00.008-06:00

I know it has already been two weeks, but I thought I should post a little something about our new addition!

Crispin Daniel Reyna is here & we are all loving him. After our disappointment of not getting to have him on the day we picked out (1/11/11), we attempted going in & having him again on 1/12/11 & we were not disappointed!

After prepping me for surgery & listening to his heartbeat on the monitors, it was time to deliver our precious baby. He cried the moment they pulled him out & while they cleaned him up & swaddled him. Our anesthesiologist took our first pictures for us.
He is perfect & we are so thankful to God for blessing our family with him. When he smiles while he sleeps, we have started saying he is playing with Nehemiah. Thank you everyone who prayed with us & for us! God is GoOD all the time!

Anticipation & Patience

2011-01-11T20:22:00.012-06:00

Anticipation [ an-tis-uh-pey-shuhn ] noun

1.the act of anticipating or the state of being anticipated.

2.realization in advance; foretaste.

3.expectation or hope.

4.previous notion; slight previous impression.

5.intuition, foreknowledge, or prescience.

6.Law . a premature withdrawal or assignment of money from a trust estate.

7.Music . a tone introduced in advance of its harmony so that it sounds against the preceding chord.
Patience [ pey-shuhns ] noun

1.the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.

2.an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay: to have patience with a slow learner.

3.quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence: to work with patience.

4.Cards (chiefly British). solitaire (def. 1).

5.Also called patience dock . a European dock, Rumex patientia, of the buckwheat family, whose leaves are often used as a vegetable.

6.Obsolete . leave; permission; sufferance.

These two words I am having a little problem with today. Since we went to bed early last night & got up at 5:00am to be at the hospital on time, just to be told that our c-section was not scheduled for today as we had been told & expected. How heartbroken was I. All I could say was, "I guess you don't get your date" to JD like it was all his fault or something & held back my tears until we got into the car & by then I was so cold I could not cry.
Anyway, we are suppose to be back up there at the same time tomorrow morning. Wish us luck & we ask for prayers that everything works out tomorrow as it should.

Nerves of Steel?

2011-01-08T08:46:00.010-06:00

We are now in our final days of this pregnancy & still trying to get everything in place so we can enjoy our bundle of joy when we bring him home.

I am scheduled to go in for a c-section on Tuesday morning. Everything is already planned out. Where my girls are staying, what time we have to be at the hospital, what time the surgery starts, how long I will be in recovery before getting settled in my room with our new addition & so on & so forth. One thing sticks in my mind over & over again with what we are preparing to do. That is, is this baby going to stick to our plan?

With the way my last pregnancies have gone I know ANYthing can happen & nothing ever works out the way that they are planned to. I was naive with my 1st pregnancy. Just a mere 18 years old, so I did whatever the doctors & nurses asked me to do. I figured since I had worked up to the week before I went into labor with her & since I was young, that I would not labor long & have a beautiful baby in a few short hours. I labored ALL day, 13 days past my due date, just to end up having to have a c-section. I never dilated past a 3 & she was stuck with her umbilical cord around her neck.

With our 2nd pregnancy we were hoping for a VBAC. Well, this little lady had a mind of her own. I was only 3 days past my due date, she was head down & my water broke at home while we were getting ready for work. Everything was calm at the hospital & I was getting ready for a long day of pushing & laboring, when just a few short minutes after my doctor checked me, my baby went into fetal distress & I was wheeled to the OR & knocked out!

Then with our 3rd pregnancy, I had nightmares & strange feelings throughout the pregnancy & then unfortunately we had to say good-bye to our little man at 20 weeks gestation.

Now with our 4th pregnancy, this has been a roller coaster ride of emotions. Everything has went great so far, but we still have our worries & anxieties. Even knowing I will deliver in a little less than 4 days I am still nervous that something bad may happen. We have discussed this with our doctor & we know we are not guaranteed to have a live birth until the baby actually makes their appearance.

Now I think JD & I have switched roles. He is getting more excited & not as scared as he was in the beginning & I am now the one who is anxious & nervous. I know everything is fine & will work out, I just do not have nerves of steel.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer & petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. & the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts & your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

Grief - Jeremiah 31:16-17

2011-01-04T07:00:00.003-06:00

"This is what the Lord says: "Restrain your voice from weeping & your eyes from tears ... there is hope for your future," declares the Lord."

Grief - Psalm 32:6-7

2011-01-03T07:00:00.003-06:00

"Let everyone who is godly pray to You while You may be found; surely when the might waters rise, they will not reach him. You are my hiding place; You will protect me from trouble & surround me with songs of deliverance."

Grief - 1Thessalonians 4:14-18

2011-01-02T07:00:00.003-06:00

"We believe that Jesus died & rose again & so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in Him. According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord Himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel & with the trumpet call of God, & the dead n Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive & are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. & so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage each other with these words."

New Year 2011!

2011-01-01T11:07:00.008-06:00

I hope everyone made it home safe & sound last night after having fun ringing in the New Year. If you do not go out, I hope you had a nice night ringing in the New Year as well.

Each year we go to my parent's house & stuff ourselves full of sugar & dip, then we play games & sing a little karaoke. We watch the last few minutes of Time Square & count down the ball dropping. We scream & holler "Happy New Year!" at midnight, then kiss & hug everyone! Then we toast & have a drink & then my mom walks around passing out black eyed peas. Which my dad always says he is allergic to it & they make his "teeth itch" just to get out of eating one. As old as I am, I am still not too sure whether this is true or not.

This year was no different, except instead of games, we watched wrestling. Some of our family members stayed in this year & rang in the New Year at home, but we still had a blast. Mom made virgin mimosas with orange juice & 7up, it as different, & we used that to toast each other.

But however each of you rang in the New Year, I just pray for peace & blessings to you & yours this year & may you follow your resolutions to a better year!

From my family to yours, Happy New Year!!

Reflections of 2010

2010-12-31T17:50:00.019-06:00

Well we are coming to a close of the year 2010. Here is a small reflection of my family's life over the year...

We started out the year with a large snow that closed school!!

Our baby girl turned 7!

We found out we are expecting!

We now have a 7th Grader & 2nd Grader!
(I do not have a picture of it, but my husband has also became a college student this year!)

We found out we are expecting a boy!

We celebrated Nehemiah's 3rd angelversary!

We became parents to a teenager!!
(2nd from left)

We celebrated an awesome Christmas!

What will the New Year bring us? A new baby, a new job, a new car, a new house, a new outlook on life? Well, whatever it is I know it will be fantastic!

I plan to work on my walk with Christ & to become a better mom so my kids will have someone they can be proud of & a better wife to my husband to keep our marriage going strong. I plan to work on myself image as well so I can have a long healthy life with my children.

We hope everyone has fun ringing in the New Year! Be safe & merry!

God Bless

"For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace & not of evil, to give you a future & a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

CHRISTmas is

2010-12-25T00:00:00.006-06:00

...a silent night
...a gift
...simple
...beautiful
...like magic
...family
...extraordinary
...interesting
...here again
...meaningful
...year round
...a celebration
...popular
...traditions
...is sharing
...cheerful
...catching
...wonderful
...Jesus

'Tis the Reason for the Season!

"Do not be afraid, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be to all people. For there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior who is Christ the Lord & this will be the sign to you: You will find a Babe wrapped in swaddling cloths lying in a manger & suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God & saying "Glory to God in the highest, & on Earth peace, goodwill toward men!" Luke 2:10-14

Time Flys By...

2010-12-24T16:28:00.010-06:00

I cannot believe it is CHRISTmas Eve already & in 7 days it will be January 2011! My how this year has flown by.

We have had such an exciting year actually & maybe that is why it has gone by so fast. My husband & I decided we would reconcile our relationship just to find out a short time later that we were expecting & my eldest became a teenager & from there things have just gotten better & better.

We have 18 days until we meet our sweet precious baby boy! It has been a long, stressful at times, exciting moment & I know we are not guaranteed anything in the end, but I believe we are in good hands.

I still miss Nehemiah on a daily basis & wish he were here with us to celebrate CHRISTmas & get to be a physical part of our family. It comforts me to know that we have a guardian angel who watches over us & we will be reunited with him once again.

For now I wish everyone a Merry CHRISTmas & a prosperous New Year! If this year seemed like it was an unbearable year, I just pray that this new year brings you happiness, peace & comfort. Remember that Jesus Christ was born to a virgin so that one day He would pay the price for our sins. He bears the scars from the cross for you & I.

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace & not of evil, to give you a future & a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

34 Weeks & Stuff

2010-12-06T18:24:00.008-06:00

Hi All:
Two weeks ago, at my last appointment, I had lost the remaining weight that I had actually gained after having lost it the beginning of my pregnancy.

So, this morning I had to go for another sonogram this morning before my regularly scheduled doctor's appointment to make sure the baby was growing accordingly.

We saw the most beautiful baby on the screen! He is 5 lbs 1oz & has rather long feet. He is already face down & did not want us looking at his face. At one point he turned his head & had his arm over his face, but we could see his lips & nose. He is going to have Makaila's mouth. He was moving his mouth like he was talking & at one point stuck out his tongue.

I had asked the sonographer to verify his boy parts were still there. As soon as she scanned over them, he closed his legs real tight. It was cute. She said if he were not facing my backside we could do a 3D sonogram.

At our doctor's appointment, which is after a huge Thanksgiving dinner & a potluck lunch Friday at work for our baby, I have only gained 1 pound!! We did find out today we will be meeting our little man on 1/11/11 (as long as the hospital does not have to move us to another day).

So, with just 5 weeks to go, we will continue to keep praying for our little blessing & wait patiently for his arrival.

"Blessed shall be the fruit of your body, the produce of your ground & the increase of your herds, the increase of your cattle & the offspring of your flocks." Deuteronomy 28:4

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

2010-11-25T08:14:00.009-06:00

Today is the day we give Thanks & enjoy a huge feast with friends & family. Why is this day highlighted more than any other day? Shouldn't everyday be Thanksgiving?

A few days ago I re-post a story that I had put out here on a previous Thanksgiving & I hope everyone read it (again) & shares it with others. Click here to read it.

This year some of our family could not make here this year. We will definitely be missing you guys!

All month myself & a few others have been posting on our Facebook accounts what we are thankful for. I love the idea & I had even posted a prayer, which I would love to share with everyone as I close this post.

Dear Heavenly Father:
I pray to You this holiday season for peace & comfort for those who are missing those dear to them. I pray they not forget why we celebrate Thanksgiving & Christmas. I pray that while they remember their thorns, I also pray they remember the crown of thorns You wore. I also pray they remember that one day we'll be back with the ones we love for a Glorious celebration with You in Heaven Father! ~Amen

Thanksgiving....

2010-11-14T07:41:00.006-06:00

Sandra felt as low as the heels of her Birkenstocks as she pushed against a November gust and the florist shop door. Her life had been easy, like spring breeze. Then in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a minor automobile accident stole her ease. During this Thanksgiving week she would have delivered a son.

She grieved over her loss. As if that weren't enough, her husband's company threatened a transfer. Then her sister, whose holiday visit she coveted, called saying she could not come. What's worse, Sandra's friend infuriated her by suggesting her grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer. "She has no idea what I'm feeling," thought Sandra. "Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?" she wondered. For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For an airbag that saved her life but took the life of her unborn child?

"Good afternoon, can I help you?" The shop clerk's approach startled her.

"I ... I need an arrangement," stammered Sandra.

"For Thanksgiving? Do you want beautiful but ordinary, or would you like to challenge the day with a customer favorite I call the 'Thanksgiving Special'?" asked the shop clerk. "I'm convinced that flowers tell stories," she continued. "Are you looking for something that conveys 'gratitude' this Thanksgiving?"

"Not exactly!" Sandra blurted out. "In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong."

Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the shop clerk said, "I have the perfect arrangement for you."

Then the door's small bell rang, and the shop clerk said, "Hi, Barbara ... let me get your order." She politely excused herself and walked toward a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and long-stemmed thorny roses. Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped. There were no flowers!

"Want this in a box?" asked the clerk. Sandra watched for the customer's response. Was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed.

"Yes, please," Barbara replied with an appreciative smile. "You'd think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn't be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again," she said as she gently tapped her chest.

"Uh," stammered Sandra, "that lady just left with, uh ... she just left with no flowers!"

"Right, said the clerk, "I cut off the flowers. That's the Special. I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet."

"Oh, come on, you can't tell me someone is willing to pay for that!" exclaimed Sandra.

"Barbara came into the shop three years ago feeling much like you feel today," explained the clerk. "She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had lost her father to cancer, the family business was failing, her son was into drugs, and she was facing major surgery."
"That same year I had lost my husband," continued the clerk," and for the first time in my life, had just spent the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too great a debt to allow any travel."

"So what did you do?" asked Sandra.

"I learned to be thankful for thorns," answered the clerk quietly.

"I've always thanked God for good things in life and never to ask Him why those good things happened to me, but when bad stuff hit, did I ever ask! It took time for me to learn that dark times are important. I have always enjoyed the 'flowers' of life, but it took thorns to show me the beauty of God's comfort. You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we're afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others."

Sandra sucked in her breath as she thought about the very thing her friend had tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is I don't want comfort. I've lost a baby and I'm angry with God."

Just then someone else walked in the shop. "Hey, Phil!" shouted the clerk to the balding, rotund man. "My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement ... twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems!" laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue-wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator.

"Those are for your wife?" asked Sandra incredulously. "Do you mind me asking why she wants something that looks like that?"

"No ... I'm glad you asked," Phil replied. "Four years ago my wife and I nearly divorced. After forty years, we were in a real mess, but with the Lord's grace and guidance, we slogged through problem after problem. He rescued our marriage. Jenny here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she learned from 'thorny' times, and that was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific 'problem' and give thanks for what that problem taught us."

As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra, "I highly recommend the Special!"

"I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life." Sandra said to the clerk. "It's all too ... fresh."

"Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my experience has shown me that thorns make roses more precious. We treasure God's providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember, it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don't resent the thorns."

Tears rolled down Sandra's cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on resentment. "I'll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please," she managed to choke out.

"I hoped you would," said the clerk gently. "I'll have them ready in a minute."

"Thank you. What do I owe you?"

"Nothing. Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart. The first year's arrangement is always on me."

The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra. "I'll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you would like to read it first." It read:
"My God, I have never thanked You for my thorns.
I have thanked You a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns.
Teach me the glory of the cross I bear;
Teach me the value of my thorns.
Show me that I have climbed closer to You along the path of pain;
Show me that, through my tears, the colors of Your rainbow look much more brilliant."

Praise Him for your roses, thank Him for your thorns. When the going gets tough, the tough seek the Lord!

Grief & the Holidays

2010-11-13T07:41:00.004-06:00

At holiday time, many people are dealing with loss & are often caught in a dilemma between the need to grieve & the pressure to get into the spirit of the season. Holidays or not, it is important for the bereaved to find ways to take care of themselves. The following guidelines may be helpful:

1. Plan ahead as to where & how you will spend your time during the holidays. Let yourself scale back on activities if you want to. Redefine your holiday expectations. This can be a transition year to begin new traditions & let others go.

2. Select a candle in your loved one's favorite color and scent. Place it in a special area of your home & light it at a significant time throughout the holidays, signifying the light of the love that lives on in your heart.

3. Give yourself permission to express your feelings. If you feel an urge to cry, let the tears flow. Tears are healing. Scientists have found that certain brain chemicals in our tears are natural pain relievers.

4. Shakespeare once said, “Give sorrow words…” Write an “un-sent letter” to your loved one. expressing what you are honestly feeling toward him or her at this moment. After you compose the letter, you may decide to place it in a book, album or drawer in your home, leave it at a memorial site, throw it away, or even burn it & let the ashes rise symbolically.

5. When you are especially missing your loved one, call family members or dear friends & share your feelings. If they knew him or her, consider asking them to share some memories of times they shared with your loved one.

6. If you live within driving distance of the cemetery, decorate the memorial site with a holiday theme. This could include flowers, garlands, ribbons, bows, evergreen-branches, packages, pine cones or a miniature Christmas tree. Decorating the site yourself can be helpful in remembering & celebrating your loved one's life during the holidays, and may free you to cherish the present holiday with your remaining family.

7. Play music that is comforting and meaningful to you. Take a few moments to close your eyes and feel the music within the center of your being.

8. Give money you would have spent for gifts for your absent loved one to a charity in your family member's name. Consider donating money to the public library to buy a particular book. Have the book dedicated to your loved one's memory. Buy a present for a child who would not otherwise have a gift during the holiday season.

9. Read a book or article on grief.

10. Remember the reality that the anticipation of the holidays without your family member is often harder than the actual holidays themselves.

"God comforts us in all our afflictions so we in turn maybe able to comfort those with the comfort where with we are comforted by God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

30 Weeks 3 Days

2010-11-12T20:43:00.005-06:00

I just celebrated my birthday as well as my 30 week mark! Very exciting I must say! That means we only have 9 weeks to go.

At my last appointment I had to do the 1 hour glucose test. Yay! Something I wish the fathers had to do as well. Anyway, I got a call a week later to tell me I FAILED & would have to do a 3 hour glucose test & I am anemic so I have to add an iron pill to my daily regimen.

So, Saturday, I got up early & went to the hospital. I registered & then drank my 8oz. orange glucose drink, gave a urine sample & a blood sample.

Thirty minutes later, gave another blood sample; however, I could not give that urine sample.

After an hour I had to give another urine sample & blood sample.

After another hour I had to give another urine sample & blood sample.

After just one more hour, it was time for one more urine sample & one more blood draw.

Well, I got my call earlier this week & was told my glucose test was normal this time. Wew!

I have to stay on my iron pill though, since the baby is growing so much he will need more of my iron & since I am having a c-section, there will be blood loss. So, I have to keep taking this pill. We also found out that if the hospital is not already full, we get to plan our c-section to January 11, 2011! I guess we will find out for sure in two weeks when we go back to the doctor.

We are getting excited though! We bought our first baby item & I think it has helped ease some anxiety, especially with my husband. It is a pack-n-play with Monkeys on it! It is super cute & we already have it put together in our room.

I do not know why I am so fascinated with the monkey theme. We registered at Babies R Us & they had all this monkey themed baby stuff, so that is when it started. Besides, if this baby comes out like his sisters he will be hairy!

Now we are planning our baby shower. Well, actually, I just e-mailed one of our cousins all the information I had & she is going to get started planning our shower. Then, not long after that our little baby boy will be making his grand entrance.

Happy 3rd Angelversary!

2010-10-19T00:00:00.002-05:00

It was rather draining this year for some reason. I do not want my son to feel I have forgotten him just because we are expecting another baby boy.

This year we went to the park next to our apartment & released balloons.
Here are a few pictures to share:

Happy 3rd Angelversary!

2010-10-18T07:00:00.008-05:00

It honestly does not feel like we lost you 3 years ago. I still remember everything from the day we received our devastating news to the next day you were born into this world.

I was honestly afraid to see you, but you were beautiful! You had ten fingers & toes, your ears where formed on the side of your head along with your nose on your face & your lips were slightly parted. Your eyes were still sealed tightly as you never got to open them & look us in the face.

I was too scared to pick you up for fear that you would fall apart, so I just touched you everywhere & talked to you. Sometimes I wish I had had the nurse put you in my arms. Your skin was soft & clean from having been bathed. The little cards they gave us with your footprints are a reminder that you were here.

We love you son & will never forget you.

Love Always,
Mommy, Daddy, Andrea, Makaila & Crispin

Nehemiah's Story

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

2010-10-15T00:00:00.004-05:00

For those of you in the Amarillo area, today is the official Pregnancy & Infant Loss Candle Light Vigil.

It is held annually at Medi Park on Streit Street at 7pm. Come out & remember your precious angel or if you know someone who has lost a baby come out for them. There is a balloon release following.

If you cannot make it out to the park, light a candle at 7pm & let it burn for one hour for a continuous wave of light.

Upcoming Angelversary

2010-10-13T19:50:00.005-05:00

Hi All:
As you know Monday, October 18th will be Nehemiah's 3rd Birthday/Angelversary.

This year we would like everyone to pick 3 things you can do to honor our sweet angel. Some ideas would be write a letter to an old friend, pray for someone, make a donation, light a candle, release a balloon, etc.

Once you have completed your tasks we would like for you to send us a message listing the tasks that were performed, this is optional.

Thank you to each & everyone of you who have supported us these past 3 years. We appreciate you all.

God Bless,

How Come No One Understands Me?

2010-10-09T17:12:00.009-05:00

The post title is a question I have heard from other grieving mothers, as well as, "What is wrong with people?" or "Just let me be, I will get over this on my own!". I have been this mother.

I have had something spark inside me over the past few days & noticed that as a parent of a baby angel people are not always out to get me or not understanding. Their thinking is just not the same as mine & maybe the words they choose to share are really not about coming off as an attack or to say, "Get over it already". Maybe they just really do not know what to say or since they do not understand, they think they are just trying to be consoling.

I have felt at times that people are telling me that they do not want to be a part of my grieving or remembering & that they think I should just get help or move on. I know that is probably not at all what they were saying.

Also, there may be times when someone has tried to be there & their actions were taken the wrong way & then feelings were hurt. As a grieving parent sometimes we may have to let someone else grieve with us or even for us. I have had instances of both acts of kindness taken as selfish acts & selfish acts taken as selfish acts:

After giving birth & having to do an emergency procedure to stop the bleeding, I got moved to a private room of the labor & delivery ward. Some of my husband's biological family from his father's side showed up, these are people whom we never speak to. We had been to a dance they attended at least eleven years prior & they attended our wedding seven years before, but my husband had not had a relationship with these people since he was a small child. I took this as a sign of selfishness. I mean, did they expect to see a show or something? How can you show up at a traumatic moment after no communication what so ever? Later we found out that my mother-in-law had called them, but my feelings were hurt. This particular incident has been forgiven. I know these women were only there to comfort & show support.

Then my mom & JD had each left to go take showers & eat some relatives showed up to see me. I had barely woke up myself. My mother-in-law was showing them the beautiful box the hospital donated with photos of Nehemiah, which I had not seen yet, a blanket, a card signed by all the nurses & some cards with his hand prints on them. All of a sudden the woman starts crying, LITERALLY, about how she may never get to have kids of her own & she will be stuck with her stepson as her only child. I just played like I was asleep, praying for either my mom or JD to show up & get them out of my room. I was so heartbroken! This particular incident, I have not gotten over.

Then there is the one who thinks they have to be "The Rock". Well honey let me tell you, you are not anyone's rock until you have cried with them. There was a time when I thought my husband was not human, when he did not cry or talk about his feelings. He would always just sit & console me. Well that just made me feel like I was getting on his nerves or I was going to bring him down. When he finally cried for me & let me console him, that was when I realized we were a rock for each other.

October

2010-10-07T17:26:00.002-05:00

We are entering our third year of having an angel baby. It has gotten easier to bear, but our hearts still ache for our little baby boy. Not too many people ask me questions anymore & sometimes I feel like people have forgotten or think because we are expecting & because this baby is a boy, that we have forgotten or just gotten over Nehemiah. Not by a long shot!

This month is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. So on October 15th we plan to go to Medi Park for the 4th annual Candle Light Vigil @ 7pm.
I have not planned anything for his birthday yet. Last year we gave out Forget Me Not seed packets with a picture of his hands & a poem & the four of us released balloons.

I ask that each one of you light a candle on the 15th for all the angels. Let it burn for one hour for a continuous wave of light.

Update 24 Weeks

2010-09-28T07:20:00.005-05:00

We only have about 15 weeks left! We are so grateful for every moment I spend carrying & nurturing this baby to term.

The other part we are excited about is the fact that we are having a boy. We have heard time & time again that they are so "easy". After two girls, we are ready for "easy". I pray for an easy going child, but with his two drama queen sisters, I am not too sure what we are going to get.

We have a tweenager who is at the stage where she hates me & I am never right. Who thinks her daddy hangs the moon & stars. The only problem with this, is I do not think it is a phase at times because she has been like this most of her life. She is a major daddy & papa's girl. We could end up like my mom & I have.When I was growing up I did not always see eye-to-eye with her either. I can honestly say my mom is my best friend.

I have my little one who has always thought I hung the moon & stars. She can be a daddy's girl at times, but for the most part, she is a mama's girl. This may change once she becomes a teenager, but at least I will have some experience & maybe not take things so personally when she does hate me.

Held Together With Tape & Glue

2010-09-24T22:08:00.009-05:00

Anyone who has ever experienced a loss of a loved one or dear friend, knows that with the loss comes great emotional, fear gripping, grief. I know I have spoken about the stages of grief & even described what each one entails.

There is no one way to describe how one feels after a loss when asked. We usually say "fine" or "ok", maybe even "I'm getting by". I just watched the season premiere of Grey's Anatomy & there is a line in the show that goes "I'm busy, holding myself together with tape and glue". That would be a great way to let someone know how you are feeling.

If you broke a perfect vase or a pot, you might try to salvage it by gluing it. Is it the same? No, it is now imperfect & has many cracks. That is how one might describe the way their heart is. Yes, it is back together, but it still has the little imperfections & cracks in it that can never be smoothed away.

Over the last couple of days I have wondered, worried really, will I still think about Nehemiah as much when this baby comes? Will I still miss what might have been with Nehemiah when this baby comes? I am sure that is what most think about when they move on to another part of their life. I do miss him right now while I carry this child. I am happy by all means, but still it can cause emotions to flare. Makes me think about that "what if" or "what might have been"; however, when I think about how this baby would not be on his way if Nehemiah had made it makes me feel guilty for thinking about Nehemiah being here instead of this baby & then I feel guilty for being happy this baby is coming, like I am happy Nehemiah passed, when that is not the case at all. It is like a never ending cycle & that was a bit of a ramble!

Not long after we lost Nehemiah, a woman I worked with told me, "Jennifer, the only way you will ever be happy again, is to have another baby". What!?!? That is so far from it. I am happy I am pregnant & do not take any day that I continue to carry this precious life for granted. I still miss my first son every day & this baby is by no means a "replacement" baby. For some people that may make them happy. But for me there are so many more emotions than that.

So, with all of that said, I am getting by every day & slowly my tape is coming off & the glue is a little less noticeable & my cuts are more like scars.

Excitement + Guilt

2010-09-13T20:55:00.015-05:00

We are officially 21 weeks & 6 days. We have had our ultrasound this afternoon & have discovered we are having a baby BOY! So, my instincts were right!
He has all four chambers of his heart, a brain & sealed skull, a full bladder, two kidneys & a great big head & big feet! Which we are excited & feel we would be just as excited to see that he were actually a she. The sonogram shows we are 23 weeks & 4 days, moving our due date to January 6, 2011. The sonographer said my doctor probably will not move anything based on this, but we will see. Especially since it is a scheduled c-section & a VBAC is not an option in my case.

As well as excitement, there is a twang guilt. The guilt of being happy. Just because we are having another baby & a boy at that, does make losing Nehemiah any easier. It does not make us forget the baby boy we had almost three years ago. I get sad sometimes & the other night I was talking to the baby & accidentally called out Nehemiah's name. That broke my heart & I felt guilty.

I do not want to ever forget Nehemiah & what we have endured losing him. It was a lesson to learn how not to take life for granted & that I am a strong woman/mom. I know God gave us that special gift & the gift I am carrying now & we are truly blessed.

The other night, while getting comfortable in bed, I felt something poke my belly. I looked at JD & had asked him if he poked me, which he said no. Then today while we were waiting to be called back, I felt something small rub my belly. I just looked around, of course there was no one else waiting with us & no one was sitting close enough to touch me. I feel like angels are with us always. I would like to think maybe it was Nehemiah touching me. It is nice to think our baby has his own little guardian angel.

Next time, we might share our name choice!!

"For He shall give His angels charge over you, to keep you in all your ways" Psalm 91:11

21 Weeks & Another Checkup

2010-09-07T20:26:00.007-05:00

We are 21 weeks today & still kicking!

Today I got to sneeze snot all over myself in the waiting room & overfill my pee cup, that dripped everywhere, & a new vitamin regimen added on & got a note to wear tennis shoes to work & heard a very strong heartbeat & got to ask the doctor to perform a prostate exam on the dear husband since he likes to be difficult at the appointments & got told I have gained back the last 2 pounds of the 10 pounds I had lost earlier on...oh & we got to schedule a sonogram for Monday afternoon! What a day I tell ya!

The new vitamin I get to take is a calcium pill with vitamin D since my bones hurt so bad that sometimes I feel like I need a walker just to walk. I do not like the taste, much less the smell of milk, so I do not drink it. So I have to take my prenatal vitamin with all of its glorious contents in the morning & the calcium pill in the evening before bed.

So, I cannot wait until Monday now to cure my curiosity of whether this little being is in fact a boy or a girl & so I can stop hearing "when are you having a sonogram" "had a sonogram yet to know what you are having" "have you had a sonogram & you are just keeping it from us" "know when you will get one" etc. I guess it is only down hill from here. I remember getting testy when the farther along you get people start asking "you ready to have that baby yet", "you haven't had that baby yet" "when are you due, you look well over your due date" etc. I am just thankful this time it will be a planned c-section so as soon as we set a date I can tell everyone (hopefully) one time precisely when this little beaner will make the grand entrance into the world.

Until then, thank you Lord for giving me this opportunity to carry & nurture a precious life & please give me patience as I have been a little testy with people lately.

20 Weeks & Counting

2010-08-31T19:19:00.015-05:00

Today is very exciting for us here in the Reyna family! We have officially reached 20 weeks with our healthy kicking blessing!

So far everything has checked out as planned. We go for our next appointment next Tuesday. We are hoping they schedule us an ultrasound so we can find out what we are having.

I have never found out on my children what we were having beforehand. Just relied on buying things in neutral baby colors & a little on mother's intuition.

With Andrea, I wanted a boy so bad, but around 5 or 6 months I started feeling like "he" was going to be a "she". The funny thing about me carrying Andrea was, no one could guess what it was just by the shape of my belly. One day it would be high, the next low, one day a football shape, one day spread out. My mom, who is usually a good guess, could not even tell. Now, my grandma was a different story. When I opened her shower gift she had bought a bunch of dresses from a garage sale. I had asked her what we would do if the baby came out a boy & she just said, "oh, it won't, but if it does we can give those dresses to someone else, but it won't". We had our names picked for both sexes. Nehemiah Christopher if it was a boy & Andrea Denise if was a girl.

With Makaila, I really did not care this time. I was just excited. This time it was different for us in many ways. We were adults now, we were legally married, we had planned to have another baby, we had full-time jobs & we were "experienced". I dreamed about this baby wrapped in a yellow blanket. No one ever said the baby's name & I never knew the gender. When I came out of recovery & saw her for the first time I thought it was dej a vu. She looked just like the baby in my dreams, as well as Andrea did as a newborn. I did not have any kind of intuition. We had to find a girl name anyways just in case. So, we settled on Makaila Jeanine.

When we got pregnant with Nehemiah, we were all the things we were when we planned to have Makaila. From day one I knew this baby was a boy. We had planned to find out on this one. Since this was going to be our last, so we thought "what the hay". Well, that did not go according to plan. But as soon as I delivered, the nurse asked if we had wanted to know the gender. Of course we did & we were told it is a Boy.

Now, this baby...this is a whole other story in & of itself. JD & I had just started talking about getting back together when we conceived this baby. Call it "loss of self control" if you will. Yes, I was on the pill. Yes, I had missed a few, but I had missed a few before & nothing ever came of it. But the day my breasts were so tender I was literally in tears, JD knew. He said they were like that the times before. At first I just laughed & told him he was crazy. I was about to start, well that is what I had thought. So, the next morning, before anyone else got up, I went to the store. I was nervous. I mean, he had just moved in with me & the girls. We were still trying to get everything straightened out to tell our families, we really were not ready for another baby at all! We had already closed the discussion of other children a few months after the loss of Nehemiah.

When I took the test it was like I was 18 again & was going to have to tell our parents. Actually, I had to confirm JD's suspicions. When I told him, he originally was a little upset, but he set me down & told me that maybe this was really God's way of telling him to grow up & get his act together. So, we decided together to wait & tell anyone until we went to the doctor. The number one reason, we were scared out of our minds! What if we told everyone & then we get bad news at our appointment? What if this baby does not make it either?

After a few days though I had to sit JD back down & tell him that I really had good feelings about this pregnancy & that I knew in my heart that everything was going to be just fine with the baby & the two of us. We just have to keep the lines of communication alive & make sure we are not doubting our decision & to not let fear run our lives, marriage, pregnancy, parenting, etc.

So, back to the gender, intuition thingy. I have since day one with this baby felt it is a boy. To be honest though, I really just want a healthy, happy baby. We cannot be picky in life. We take what we are given & we accept the things we cannot change. I will love this baby unconditionally as I do my other babies. I am not giving away my names right now either because a few ladies I know who are pregnant, do not have names & I do not want them to steal.

Now, just to wait & find out when the time comes. Easier said than done!

Broken...

2010-08-30T20:26:00.013-05:00

I have worn this little blue/pink rubber bracelet for almost three years. When my husband first gave it to me, I only took it off to shower. Then, I thought "hey this is rubber, leave it on". So I did. I wore it to every function, holiday, party, work, play, lake, pool etc. It was like a part of my arm. It was a remembrance I wore for the little life lost.

One side says "Remembering" & the other side had two tiny foot prints. The little feet rubbed off first. You would not know they were there if I did not tell you. I can still make them out. Tiny toes & all. Then a few weeks ago I noticed that the "B" had a little hole in it. This hole got a bit bigger & bigger, until one I decided I would wear it until it broke off.

Well, wouldn't you know it? I decided to take it off to put it on my bear & it broke! Ugh!
I just stared at the little blue/pink rubber in my hand first & then I cried for a few minutes & then I laughed at myself for getting so upset. Then I started to realize this little piece of me is now broken & can never be put back together....

Broken like my heart has been. A heart that can never be put back together the same as it was before it was broken. Just a simple reminder that we are breakable.

"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,
A broken & a contrite heart--
These, O God, You will not despise" Psalm 51:17

Wanted to post something a little different tonight....

2010-08-25T18:14:00.009-05:00

Warning: Grab a Kleenex.
This brought my husband & I both to tears.

MARRIAGE

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outsidethe door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage.Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

A CHRIST-CENTERED MARRIAGE IS A MARRIAGE THAT IS SURE TO LAST A LIFETIME.

"So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate." Matthew 19:6

19 Weeks & School...

2010-08-24T18:56:00.029-05:00

We have officially made it to 19 weeks without any complications! Woo hoo!

Praise to God for such a wonderful blessing. The baby's kicks are getting stronger & increasing. Not a lot of fear is running this pregnancy these days. I know we still have a ways to go, but it feels right this time.

The girls started back to school this week & are enjoying it so far, considering it is only Tuesday. The only problems we have faced getting them ready for school is bed time. We have heard "but it is not bedtime, the sun is still out" or "what time is it, bedtime is not until night time & it is still daytime?". We just give the stern look along with, "Go to bed".

Andrea is in 7th grade. She is going out for the volleyball team. I hope she makes the team, either A or B team is good. She played a few years back with Kids Inc & she had fun doing it.
Makaila is in 2nd grade. She wants to join Kids Inc cheer-leading. I think she would have fun doing that. She has already received a birthday party invite & it is from her "boyfriend".
JD has went back to school as well, so he is now working & going to school. He is majoring in computer technology, unless he changes it again. While waiting for his financial aid to go through he changed it three times. I really think he will stick with computers though.

Andrea's birthday is coming up & we have been trying to decide what we can do for her. She is going to be the big 1-3! It makes me feel old thinking about 13 years ago I had her. I can remember going into labor with her & not having her until seven minutes after midnight, all thanks to my big brother for jinxing me! He got a great birthday present that year. I would be so lucky to have a niece or nephew born my birthday. I remember her baby moments. Watching her grow into such a beautiful girl with such an attitude. I know my parents are probably reading this right now & laughing. Dad is probably thinking "like looking in a mirror".

Well, I hope everyone has a great school year!

The Full Original Copy of the Serenity Prayer

2010-08-16T09:03:00.007-05:00

by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)

God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

"I will lift up my eyes to the hills--From whence comes my help?
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven & earth." Psalm 121:1-2

Check Up

2010-08-15T18:31:00.008-05:00

Wednesday I had my monthly checkup. It went well. The little beaner did not want to be still so we can hear a heartbeat. The nurse would get a read & then the little beaner would move. One time beaner even kicked the Doppler, like to say, "Hey, get that off of me!".

Every appointment we have with the doctor, we hold our breaths until we hear that sweet washing machine sound. I even think my doctor holds her breath along with us. Not too sure when my next sonogram will be, but we have another appointment in 3 weeks. I am sure we will know by then when our next sonogram will be. This Tuesday we will be 18 weeks along, by our next appointment we will be 21 weeks. As soon as I reach that 20 week mark with this little baby still kicking & thriving, I will be able to breathe deeply.

JD & I discuss this often. Both of us scared to be too excited, even though we want so much to be. We understand all too well that no life is guaranteed, no pregnancy is guaranteed to have a happy ending. We may not be able to breathe deeply until we have this little baby put into our arms after taking his/her first breath.

So, for now I will continue to give the glory to God for giving me this little life to carry, nurture & care for until the day he/she makes the great grand entrance into the world.

Grief & Coping

2010-08-07T19:23:00.011-05:00

Anytime we lose someone close to us it can be devastating. It can feel like your heart is going to stop beating at a moments notice & you will just crumple into a ball & die yourself.

To "stop" the pain we find things to make us "feel" better. There are some who engross themselves in work, sports, drugs, alcohol, sex; anything to get their mind off of the fact that they will never be able to see that person or talk to that person again. Sometimes forgetting that the world has not stopped just because a life has. Even forgetting those around us who may be in the same pain we are or are there to help. Marriages fall apart from lack of communication. One wants to talk about it, the other wants to move on from it. Siblings can have a falling out if one wants to remember a parent one way & the other one wants to remember them another.

When actually we need to stop, face the pain & let it all out. It does take time & the pain does not stop overnight just because you want it to. Communication is key.

There are 5 stages of grief. The stages do not come in any particular order. The stage may occur more than once. One stage may last longer than the others or you may even experience more than one stage at a time.

1. Denial-"this cannot be happening to me", not crying, not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.
2. Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back, or blaming them for leaving.
3. Bargaining-"I will be a better person if...", attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss, begging for them back.
4. Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, feeling numb, mourning loss of person as well as hopes, dreams & plans for the future, even suicidal thoughts, or thoughts of hurting someone else.
5. Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation & acceptance. You accept the loss not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that the person is gone & that it is not their fault, they did not leave you on purpose. Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort & healing.

What I have learned in my process is talking about it makes me feel better. Anytime I can share a small piece of my little man, I will. I have made a scrapbook to help. It has photos, scriptures & cards of condolences in it. A few months ago I found a Memorial Tear, designed by Kathy Bernu. It is a tear with a rose inside of it. You can hang it on a key chain, wear it on a necklace or carry it in your pocket. Also, at one of our grief sessions we got to pick out a rock to carry in our pockets & it has helped. It is like Nehemiah picked these items just for me to remember him by.

I have also turned to God a lot during my time of grief. Reading has helped me. Unfortunately for me, the only memories I have of Nehemiah are of pictures of him during sonograms, feelings of movement while I was pregnant with him & the photographs the hospital took for me. I did not get my moments with him I had prayed for or dreamed of, but I do cherish what I did have him with.

I hope if any of you are grieving right now, that you remember "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted" Matthew 5:4

Hormones, Hunger Pains, Night Sweats...

2010-07-27T22:30:00.013-05:00

Anyone who has ever been pregnant or married to a pregnant woman knows what comes along with the whole deal.

There are those cravings that you have at midnight or crying at commercials or being hot & then cold. What about the gas & indigestion?

I do not like macaroni & cheese, I do not like milk, I do not like to eat cheese straight up; however, I have been craving mac & cheese everyday, I tried milk...it was not disgusting & I have had a hankering for Monterrey Colby Jack cheese....straight up!

Now I know I cannot eat &/or drink all of this everyday or I will be a huge cheese puff & when this baby is ready to come out I will have a chance of delivering a Chester Cheeto. How fun would that be?

I am emotional anyway, but it is about 90% worse when I am pregnant for some reason. I could cry at one thing, but turn around & laugh about something totally different. I have really done good so far, but don't think it has been easy. Especially the previews to that new movie "Charlie St. Cloud" with the hottie Zac Efron! It makes me tear up & I have not even seen the movie.

Then I am hot, then cold, then hot, then cold. It is quite funny to me when this happens. Throwing the covers off onto JD, then pulling them off of him to put them back on me, then throwing them off, then pulling them back on. Probably why I cannot stay asleep at night.

A few weeks ago I woke up at 1:00a.m. & could not go back to sleep all from dreaming about my delicious tostadas...well long story short, we all enjoyed some beef & bean tostadas with all the fixin's at 2:00a.m.! The girls were still up that night watching a movie & after our tummys were full, we went straight to bed. What a night that was! It has not happened since & hopefully it doesn't.

I should just be eating peanut butter, hot dogs & ketchup since that is probably all this baby is going to want to eat. Well, that is what his/her older sisters eat.

Pregnancy can be humorous & that is what makes it all exciting. Even though to those around us we probably work their nerves at times. We have to laugh now before the baby comes & we are too tired, cranky, hungry, stinky...well, you get the idea!

Week 14+

2010-07-25T07:41:00.018-05:00

We are on week 14 & 5 days & all seems well & right with the world.

Still giving glory to God for the blessings in my life. Praying daily for this little miracle to stay here with us & be healthy. It is trying at times because of fear. The fear of another loss, the fear of what would come about if we lost this baby, the fear of having to feel the emptiness that comes along with the loss of a baby. However, I have accepted that I will not let fear run my life. It will not take over this pregnancy!

I have some sinus issues & I may lose a nose before long. I have one nostril that likes to run when I am without a tissue, but stops up when I am trying to sleep. I feel like cutting it off of my face. But how funny would I look then if I were to do that. JD tells me it will be all worth it in the end, so I guess I will survive.

Besides my nose being disgusting, I have felt like I can feel this baby move already. That is pretty exciting, yet scary too because I do not feel the baby all of the time so I start to panic a little. I just tell myself that I am not far enough along yet & to enjoy it when I feel the movements.

.................................

I am sorry, but I am going to break in here & ask you all who read my blog to pray for a few people today.

My grandma was admitted to the hospital over the start of the weekend for anemia & has had to receive at least 3 pints of blood since I last spoke with my dad. Not too sure what else they have determined, but just pray that the doctors listen to God for the best treatment. I hope to know more later.

Also, a small family in Dallas that my brother & his family know need prayers for healing & understanding. The wife went in for a DNC only to have it go badly. It seems she has lost 95% of her small intestines, but seems to be physically healing. Just pray for her continued healing & for comfort with their loss as well.

If I can pray for you, please let me know.

"Give ear to my words, O Lord, Consider my my meditation. Give heed to the voice of my cry, My King & my God, For to You I will pray." Psalm 5:1-2

Love of Our Father

2010-07-24T18:30:00.006-05:00

It is difficult to lose a baby at any age or gestation. As a mother of an angel, I have felt like a failure. I would never wish anything like this on anyone no matter what. At times I have felt like it should be up to me who gets to have a baby when I am judging someone who I deem "unfit". But it really is not up to any one of us.

I do not feel like God gives us something just to take it away. He is not like our older brother who would say, "You want a bite of this delicious candy bar?" Just so when we say yes, he stuffs it all into his big fat mouth. I believe He decides that we may not be ready for what we are about to receive or He feels like we are not going to be able to handle that specific task & so He takes it back to give us something else.

It is like this saying, "When God takes something from your grasp, He is not punishing you...but merely opening your hands to receive something better".

Now at the time of any loss we are not thinking, "Oh thank You so much God, just can't wait to see what You are going to give me in return!" No, we are questioning ourselves, God, human nature, people around us, loved ones. Questioning every move we made to trick our minds into believing it was something we did & should be punished for.

When we lost our son I begged for 6 months to pass. Thinking in 6 months I would be over this hurt & my heart would not feel like it was going to explode in my chest every time I thought about what I lost. However, 6 months did not make me feel better. We fool ourselves that is what we do.

I never turned my back on God, I actually found myself crying out to Him even more than I had in a long long time. I looked up every bible verse I could find to help me in my pain. A few off the top of my head that helped were:
Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted & binds up their wounds
Matthew 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted
Nehemiah 8:10 Do not sorrow for the joy of the Lord is your strength

I read a lot of books too that I found comfort in.
Free to Grieve by Maureen Rank; she references the bible in this book.
Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg; she includes a journal section after each story which let you jot down questions or feelings.
A Silent Love by Adrienne Ryan; (this one is my favorite one) she not only talks about her losses, but she retells personal stories from other women, even her husband & parents partake.

Music helped as you can see reading through my past posts. I love music anyway, but to have special songs when you are experiencing certain trials in your life is always helpful. Songs to cheer you up, songs when you are happy, songs when you are mad or songs to have fun!

The love of our Father is everlasting. We should trust in Him always. So if you are going through something right now that seems like there is no end in sight, remember God will never give you more than you can handle & as what my all wise brother would say "& this too shall pass".

"His favor is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

HaPpY 4tH oF jULy

2010-07-04T11:26:00.007-05:00

Feeling much better this weekend. Do not know if it is because we have been just laying around watching movies or just starting to feel better.

No big plans for the 4th this year. The park they set the fireworks off is just down the street, so we are hoping they will be high enough in the air to see from our parking lot or maybe the park next door.

We have a bit bigger park on the North side of town that the fireworks use to be at & you could park on the boulevard to see them. Now they moved them to a smaller park off a busy road & charge you to park inside. You would have to camp out all day to get a good spot & to get out is crazy.

The last few years we have gone out to one of our aunt's home & shot them off ourselves & cooked out, but they have moved. So here is hoping we can see them from our apartment. Our local news channel shows them on TV, but that is nothing like the real thing.

For everyone else who is venturing out to family, friends, lakes, the park, please be careful & responsible.

Thank you to the service men & women who have made great sacrifices for our country's freedom!

Everyday is a New Day...

2010-07-02T20:31:00.011-05:00

Wow! Today I was an emotional wreck! I do not know what has come over me. Nehemiah has been heavy on my mind today. I hope this is not how the remainder of my pregnancy will be.

Before we got pregnant, JD & I had talked about whether we would feel guilty having another baby or if we will feel guilty if we ended up having another boy. This discussion has come up again now that we are pregnant. Do we feel guilty having another child to "replace" him? I do not feel in anyway we replaced Nehemiah. For one, we were not trying! The other reason, I do not feel you can ever replace anyone or anything that you have lost that is near & dear to you. This baby that I am carrying is a new baby, a different baby, even if it turns out to be another boy.

Now today I felt saddened/guilty for being so happy. I almost felt like he kept reminding me he was here so that I will not forget him while I am thinking about this baby. Then again maybe it is my subconscious reminding me, putting Nehemiah in my thoughts.

Everyday is a new day, with new feelings & new emotions. I am happy here in this moment & like I have said before, I give all the glory to God. If it were not for Him, none of us would be here today.

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-8

Gender? We Do Not Care...

2010-07-02T07:00:00.004-05:00

Sorry, but for everyone out there who has not asked yet, we do not care what the gender of our baby will be as long as we have a healthy, living baby.

I get a little upset when people come up to me and ask me, "are you hoping for your boy this time?" or "do you hope this is your boy?". I mean come on! I have a boy! I do not want to be rude to these people when they ask, but inside I am screaming with pain. Everyone who has asked us so far knows we lost a baby boy, so it is not like some stranger at Wal-Mart is asking.

When my husband was asked if he hopes this one is his boy, my brother-in-law chimed in, "he has a boy, they are just hoping for a healthy baby". I thought it was really cool that he thought of that. I just say it doesn't matter when they ask. One day I just feel like my pregnancy hormones might cause me to explode when someone asks.

My question really is, how should we answer?

11 Weeks & 2 Days

2010-07-01T18:23:00.009-05:00

Today I am 11 weeks & 2 days. It is exciting to know that I have a little being growing inside of me. It is also a nervous time as well. In less than 9 weeks we will be where we were when we found out our precious Nehemiah was no longer with us.

I try not to think about that moment when it pops into my head, but how can I not. At the beginning of this pregnancy I was not nervous. I did not let the thought of losing another baby enter into my mind. JD was nervous though. I think enough for the both of us. With the weeks going by I am starting to get nervous.

I have been told that once we make it past 20 weeks we will be able to sigh with relief. I, on the other hand, do not think so. I do not think I will be able to really "sigh with relief" until the doctor pulls this baby out of my womb & announces the gender to us & I hear the little beaner cry.

When I was pregnant with my oldest daughter, the thought of losing a baby never entered my mind. I was 18 & thought I could do anything & come out smelling like roses. You know what I am talking about, I thought I knew it all. I had not even met a single person who had ever lost a baby.

When I got pregnant with my second child, a co-worker lost her baby at 20+ weeks. She was due 3 or 4 weeks before me. It was unreal that something like that would happen to someone I knew & at the time I did ask why it happened to her & not me. I was thankful everyday for the life that I was carrying inside, but I just kept the thought "it will never happen to me".

When I got pregnant with my third child, I had nightmares & bad feelings every day. Especially days I had doctor's appointments on. It was like my mind was preparing me for what was to come. Now that I have lost a baby, the thought of "it will never happen to me" has changed to, "it can happen to anyone at anytime".

I do give God all the glory every morning for letting me carry this baby one more day. I feel different about this pregnancy than I did with Nehemiah, but Nehemiah is not far from my mind. I miss him & I know that if I had not lost him, this baby would not be here either. I try not to let the anxiety overcome me. I know if I do, this will not end well. I believe in positive thinking.

This is the message my sister-in-law sent me, it is the most encouraging message I have received so far: ' I'm of the opinion that you can think things into existence...good and bad. Give it to God and ask for the blessing of a healthy baby in His name. Matthew 21:22 says "And whatever you ask in prayer you will receive, if you have faith."'
I definitely agree with her thinking.

So on that note, we will see in a few weeks if I am able to breathe a little easier or if I am still in the same place. But for now, I will keep my positive thinking in place & praise God for this wonderful gift He has blessed us with.

Baby Update

2010-06-29T22:03:00.013-05:00

We had our 1st trimester screening yesterday. I was super nervous the whole time we were there & they were feeding us so much information at one time & then wanted me to make the decision to what testing I would prefer. Ugh! Nerve racking!

I could not sleep the night before because I kept dreaming that this doctor was going to be a quack & in my dream she told us to terminate & then would not let us leave her office. It was so crazy!

We ended up choosing the safest & easiest testing. It is a noninvasive evaluation that combines a maternal blood screening test with an ultrasound evaluation of the fetus to identify risk for specific chromosomal abnormalities, including Down’s Syndrome Trisomy-21 & Trisomy-18. In addition to screening for these abnormalities, a portion of the test (known as the nuchal translucency) can assist in identifying other significant fetal abnormalities, such as cardiac disorders. The screening test does not detect neural tube defects. The nuchal translucency test is where they measure the fluid between the spine & the skin on the back of the neck.

I will have to go back in four weeks to have my second blood draw performed.

This little baby is very active. Kind of brought back memories of seeing Nehemiah on the screen moving around. I had a lot of emotions going on. I have not really thought anything negative about this pregnancy & have been feeling really good, but when we got there yesterday & they were feeding us all this information I really started to think about whether I really wanted to go through with it. What if they found something? What would we decide to do? What if we made the wrong choice if we had to make a choice? I know I have to give this pregnancy over to God & let Him be in control. I know in my heart everything will work out for the best.

To end on that note:

We did want to share our little beaner with you as well. It really is still rather early, but I feel like I have to share this & I feel really confident this pregnancy will end on a very good note.

JD says this baby has a "KK" head. If anyone knows my family, a few of our children have rather large heads. I like to think that means they are just special..

More to Expect...

2010-06-17T21:20:00.013-05:00

We found out today that we go to our 1st Trimester Screening on June 28th. Really nervous about having to answer questions & being poked & prodded. I read on the Texas Tech website about this screening & it seems like a lot. Makes my heartbeat a little faster & I start feeling a little nauseous, or that could just be the pregnancy. But I know it will be worth it if it helps us to have a healthy baby in the end.

JD says he is nervous about us having another baby & I really feel good about it. I just have a really good feeling about this one. I am not saying I am not nervous at all or that I won't be nervous if I feel something out of the ordinary or perhaps as we approach the 20 week mark. With Nehemiah I had nightmares & bad feelings the entire time, like something was trying to prepare me for what was to come. It is hard to explain if you have never experienced anything like that before. It was like a premonition of sorts. I am not trying to say I am psychic or anything like that, but they do say that people know sometimes.

Makaila has been saying some really funny things. Being pregnant makes a person a little gassier & well, the other day I had to let out a little & she asked, "Mom, was that the baby?" She asked me today, "Will the baby be here next Monday?" When we tried explaining the baby will be here in January she wanted to know if that means the baby will be older than her (her birthday is in March). I am anxious to hear all the other questions she will ask as time goes on. I had read a blog when I was pregnant with her about a woman who was pregnant & had a 3 year old little boy. He would always say he wished he could climb inside to keep his baby sister company until she came out. I always got a kick out of what he had to say.

For now though, I just continue to pray for my marriage & for my children (born & unborn). For I know everything that happens is God's Will.

"You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in Your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed." Psalm 139:16

What to Expect When You're Not Expecting...

2010-06-15T22:40:00.017-05:00

Well, a few months ago I was not sure where anything in my life was headed. I was praying every night for God's Will to come & make me a stronger woman.

My husband & I physically separated for almost 5 months, I was getting on with my life. Then, we decided to see where things would go. Finally, we decided to either "poop or get off the pot", make it work or end it!

It has only been about a month, but things are pretty good. He is willing to do whatever it takes to repair the damage he has caused, he is doing good so far. We are both frustrated he has not gotten a job.

However, not that we were expecting it to happen, actually not even trying, we have found out that we are pregnant. Mind you, we are scared out of our minds. We just got back together, we are still trying to get through the loss of our son & now we are expecting. There are so many emotions going on inside right now. I just want to share this special moment & ask that each one of you pray with us & for our little bean. To be expecting again after a stillbirth is quite scary in its self.

I got the same tech who had to deliver our bad news for us last time. She is wonderful! She had asked me if I had wanted another tech to do our sonogram. She talked to us about being nervous, took loads of pix & before we walked out of the room she had me get back up on the table for one more thing...to see if we could hear the heartbeat & guess what?!?!

WE COULD!

While she did the regular sonogram we could see our little bean moving around & a good strong heartbeat & the yolk, which helps provide for the baby for now.

We have our next appointment in July 14th. We are going to have an appointment with a fetal specialist with Texas Tech. They do testing that is performed during the 1st trimester to see if they can detect early problems. My awesome nurse will be calling me with that appointment time in a few weeks.

I am 9 weeks today & the projected due date is January 18, 2011, but since I will have to have a scheduled C-section, we are going to see if it is possible to have our little bean January 11, 2011. I know that is a ways off, but maybe it will give us some hope to put a date to see our darling.

"This is the day that God has made, rejoice & be joyful in it!" Psalm 118:24

Better Than a Hallelujah

2010-05-21T17:34:00.006-05:00

by Sarah Hart, sung by Amy Grant
God loves a lullaby
In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
God loves the drunkards cry,
The soldiers plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah.

The woman holding on for life,
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what's been done,
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah
Better than a church bell ringing,
Better than a choir singing out,singing out.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

Better than a church bell ringing
better than a choir singin' loud
singin' loud
Repeat Chorus

A Mom is....

2010-05-09T06:45:00.003-05:00

One of a kind
Born
a Beautiful Experience
Amazing
a Gift
Enough
Chief
Wonderful
Caring
a Chauffeur
Incredible
Special
Talented
a Never Ending Song

Happy Mother's Day to all you Moms!!

CHECKiNG iN & GETTiNG READY...

2010-02-24T21:12:00.023-06:00

Wow!, I cannot believe we are already to the end of the month of February 2010. What a year this has started off to be. I am praying for better things & happiness to come my way.

I am definitely not one to be down & cry about my problems. I do have bad days though where I do not feel like getting out of bed or going to work. But if I didn't I would go crazy. I have a really good friend who brings me back up to where I need to be when I start to doubt myself or let myself get down. She does not sugarcoat anything either. LOL! I also have the grace of God to help me.

But, what is keeping me up right now is the fact that I am getting pumped about the March for Babies 2010. This is my 2nd year to be a part of this awesome organization. I have met some really great people & it feels good to know that I can help make a difference. I do not feel you had to have a preemie or a child with a genetic disorder or birth defect to be a part of the March of Dimes. You can do it for a friend or loved one, even your future grandchildren. Every little bit helps & that is what matters. These babies are what matters.

When a good friend of mine approached me to be a part of the March of Dimes, I did not feel like I belonged. I mean, my baby was not born alive or with a birth defect. I will, unfortunately, never get to know why my son did not make it into this world alive at full-term, until I meet Jesus that is. However, once I started reading the info & listening to other mother's I knew I belonged here. Hopefully one day we can prevent deaths during pregnancy & help all mothers come full-term & even know what causes birth defects that we can one day prevent them from occurring. It is a far stretch, but I believe it can happen.

So, if you are in my area & would like to walk with me & my team or perhaps you just want to donate, please visit my Team Nehemiah site & sign up or donate. All donations are tax deductible. You can even start your own team if you wish.

So, let's save us some babies!!

"Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in Your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.
How precious are Your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered!
I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, You are still with me!""
Psalm 139:14-18

Save a Place for Me...

2010-02-14T07:03:00.002-06:00

by Matthew West

Don’t be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes
‘Cause everyday it’s sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world
Off your shoulders now
I’m dreaming of the day when I’m finally there with you

Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon

I have asked the questions why
But I guess the answer’s for another time
So instead I’ll pray
With every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here

So you just
Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon

And I wanna live my life
Just like you did
Make the most of my time
Just like you did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there
Until I get there

Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon

Heaven is the Face...

2010-02-13T10:22:00.002-06:00

by Steven Curtis Chapman for Maria Sue Chapman

Heaven is the face of a little girl
With dark brown eyes that disappear when she smiles
Heaven is the place where she calls my name
Says, "Daddy please come play with me for awhile"

God, I know, it's all of this and so much more
But God, You know, that this is what I'm aching for
God, you know, I just can't see beyond the door

So right now Heaven is the sound of her breathing deep
Lying on my chest, falling fast asleep while I sing
And Heaven is the weight of her in my arms
Being there to keep her safe from harm while she dreams

And God, I know, it's all of this and so much more
But God, You know, that this is what I'm longing for
God, you know, I just can't see beyond the door
But in my mind's eye I can see a place
Where Your glory fills every empty space
All the cancer is gone
Every mouth is fed
And there's no one left in the orphans' bed
Every lonely heart finds their one true love
And there's no more goodbye
And no more not enough
And there's no more enemy

Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss
And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone
Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
And leads me to You
And we both run into Your arms
Oh God, I know, it's so much more than I can dream
It's far beyond anything I can conceive
So God, You know, I'm trusting You until I see

Heaven in the face of my little girl
Heaven in the face of my little girl

Thought for Today...

2010-02-13T10:15:00.010-06:00

No one ever expects to lose a child. I know I did not walk around thinking my babies would ever die during pregnancy. Never had the thought to reach into the crib or bassinet and feel if they were still breathing.

But when you do lose something as precious as a child, a part of you dies as well. It is an unbearable pain. One that will have you worrying about your other children.

I use to be jealous of the mothers who had a baby born alive & had their moment together. I just wish for one moment with Nehemiah alive & looking into my face. Smiling at me with his toothless grin. But then I am thankful that he was already gone when I delivered him, because I do not think I could have handled burying a baby whom I got to nurse or take him to meet his sisters & family before the Lord took them. I am thankful that I got to carry him, feel him moving & see him move on the sonogram machine.

I just wish one day no one would ever have to feel that pain of losing a child. We are not suppose to out live our children.

Now that I have experienced this kind of loss, I dread my children learning how to drive or going to parties. What if they are hit by a drunk driver or what if they are the drunk drive who hits someone & takes someone else's child? I dread my children leaving my sight, even for a moment. What if someone takes them & I find them in a shallow grave or they are hurt in the most horrible way?

I have faith though that the Lord is & will always take care of my children no matter what. I also have faith that my parenting will pay off & they won't be hurt.We have to continue to not think about the bad things that could happen. We have to continue to go on just like we did before the pain hit us in the gut so hard we could not catch our breaths in the fear that our heart would stop beating at any moment from being broken.

The next post & the one for tomorrow, that are actually lyrics to songs, sum up some of the way I feel every day.

I love you precious son! One day we will meet again & I will get to hold you in my arms.

"Do not sorrow for the joy of the Lord is your strength" Nehemiah 10:8

Jesus Christ is Born

2009-12-25T00:05:00.004-06:00

Luke 2:1-20 (NIV)

The Birth of Jesus

¹In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. ²(This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) ³And everyone went to his own town to register.

⁴So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. ⁵He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. ⁶While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, ⁷and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.

The Shepherds and the Angels

⁸And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. ⁹An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. ¹⁰But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. ¹¹Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. ¹²This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."

¹³Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,
¹⁴"Glory to God in the highest,
and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."

¹⁵When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, "Let's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about."

¹⁶So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. ¹⁷When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, ¹⁸and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. ¹⁹But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. ²⁰The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

The Night That Christ Was Born

2009-12-24T08:41:00.006-06:00

(by Kirk Franklin)

Listen to the angels Rejoicing e'er so sweetly Receiving heaven's glory The night that Christ was born

Can't you see the people Coming from every nation Pleading for salvation The night that Christ was born

Oh such a wonderful savior To be born in a manger So that I can share His favor And my heart be made anew

Listen to the trumpets Shouting through the darkness Crying 'holy, holy' The night that Christ was born

Listen to the trumpets Shouting through the darkness Crying 'holy, holy' (Now Behold the Savior) The night that Christ was born